05x11 - That's My Momma

[bunniefuu]

- Pretty.
- Yeah.

When it's done, it'll look something
like that. l'm going more retro.

Back in your shop class, would you have
imagined l could build something like that?

l was happy
when you finally made an ashtray.

Did you really build a hot rod,
or is that a lot of bunk?

No. You never saw my other one.

Yeah, l got pictures of it. There you go.

Oh...

Gleam in my eye
to a strapping ' Roadster.

Yeah.

l miss that car.
lt was like a member of the family.

- Whatever happened to her?
- Sold it.

l'm glad l'm not a member of your family.

Sorry... Hey, Mr. Leonard. How are ya?
l didn't know you were in town.

- Visiting my daughter.
- What are you doing here?

l hate my son-in-law.

As usual, Martin, you're an hour late.

Yeah, yeah. l was on the phone with Ma.
You know how she goes on and on.

- She doesn't like talking on the phone.
- She likes talking to me.

She hated talking to me. When he was
in school, every time l'd call her,

l'd say, ''Hello, Mrs. Taylor.'' She'd say,
''Oh, God, what's he done now?''

- lt's : . You gonna feed me?
- Soon as l finish, l'll get you a sandwich.

lt took you three years to build the last hot
rod. l'm not waiting that long for liverwurst.

l'll help myself.

All right, what are we doin'?

Finish the assembly on the rear end,
put the shock on for me.

Can you believe Mom
winning bucks in Vegas?

- Mom went to Vegas?
- She went with that travel group she's in.

Mom's in a travel group?

- The one she went to lreland with.
- Oh, yeah. Mom went to lreland?

- Do you ever talk to Mom?
- Yeah, we talk every Sunday.

We just don't waste time
yakking about the small stuff.

Yeah. You only yak about the big stuff, like
what she had for dinner and the weather.

Roast beef, partly cloudy.

- Guess that explains why l'm her favorite.
- Oh, get out.

- l'm closer to Mom than you'll ever be.
- Oh, yeah?

- We'll ask her when she comes next week.
- OK, Marty, we sure will.

Mom's coming next week?

- When's your mom supposed to be here?
- Any minute.

l can't wait to see
the old hunk of junk again.

- Your mother?
- Her car.

Last time l saw her, her rear end
was sagging, she had no pickup.

- The car?
- No, my mother.

(doorbell rings)

Speaking of which...

Guys, get in here. Grandma's here.

- Oh!
- Hey. Hi.

Hi, honey. lt's so good to see you.

- Hello, Lucille.
- Hi.

Oh, you look great. How was your trip?

Fast.
l had the pedal on the metal all the way.

Like mother, like son.

Yeah, except l don't think she sticks her
head out the window yelling, ''Yippee.''

- Grandma.
- My boys, my boys.

OK, listen. Enough of this kissy stuff.

l want you to take my bags
and put 'em upstairs on the bed.

And here's a $ tip.

Well, l guess that's five for me
and five for you.

- What about me?
- You get to carry the bags.

- Hey, l want you to split this up evenly.
- All right.

- Wait. About that money...
- l want you to deal with it responsibly.

Now, shut up, Tim. l want you to use it
for something completely ridiculous

or extremely bad for your teeth.

- You never let us have junk food.
- That's because l was the mother.

Now l'm the grandmother.
This is the grand part.

- That's why you're our favorite, Grandma.
- That won't get ya any more money.

You're also the prettiest grandma.

That will get you another ten.

- You're my favorite mother.
- Aw, Tim, sorry. All out of cash.

- Want something to drink?
- Club soda, please.

Oh.

- How's the golf game?
- Not so good.

l think l may have torn
some cartilage in my knee.

- l'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, your knee's OK.

l'm serious.

You're trying to hustle me
out of money next time we play golf.

You're right, Tim. l spent $ on x-rays
just so l can con you out of a dollar at golf.

Very clever, but it's not gonna work.

- How's the house?
- Big, empty, drafty.

How can it be drafty?
l did the weather stripping myself.

Enough said.

lt's not easy rattling around
in that big house. Gets kinda lonely.

- Are you thinking about moving?
- She won't move.

lf you're lonely, we'll get you a dog.

Well, thanks, Tim.

Jill, would you like
to see my pictures of lreland?

- l'd love to.
- How about someone to talk to? A parrot.

(imitates parrot) ''Hey, Lucille, you look
good. How about bucks? bucks.''

(doorbell rings)

- l'll get it.
- (Jill) Oh, thanks.

- Mrs. Taylor.
- Mr. Leonard.

- Oh, my God, what did Tim do now?
- (laughs)

My gosh, you look great.
You haven't changed a bit.

Well, you have. Your eyesight's slipping.

- Hello, Mr. Leonard.
- Hi. l came to pick up that sweater

l left here the other day.

l was just wearing it so l'd remember
to give it back to you.

l'm glad l didn't leave my underwear.

Oh, like they'd fit me.

Your eyesight may be going,
but you still have your sense of humor.

- Would you like to stay for dinner?
- l'd love a good home-cooked meal.

Me too. Where we gonna get it?

- Mr. Leonard...
- Please, please call me Art.

- How about a beer, Art?
- Mr. Leonard.

l don't think l ever told you

how much l appreciate your putting Tim
on the right track in school.

Hey, you put him on the right path to life.

l could only take him so far.
Jill took him the distance.

- lt was a group effort.
- Hey!

- Don't l get credit for turning out so well?
- No.

Jill, did you know that every time Tim got
into trouble in high school,

Art took the time
to make a personal call to me?

l had to call ya. l knew he wasn't giving
the notes l sent home.

What notes?

They're... l-l-l was going
to give them to you tomorrow.

You have to lean out of a castle to kiss
the Blarney stone? Weren't you scared?

Hey, after raising five boys by myself,
nothing scares me.

Well, why do you kiss the Blarney stone,
anyway?

So it'll follow you back to your apartment
for a nightcap.

No, pea brain.
The Blarney stone gives you the gift of gab.

My parents took me there
when l was but a wee lad,

and l haven't stopped talking since.

l like a man who can hold up
his end of the conversation.

l like a woman who's not afraid
to hang upside down from a castle.

Hey, maybe you should date a bat.

You know, all this talk about blarney
is making me thirsty for an lrish coffee.

What do you say we head over
to McCauliffe's and get one?

- Great idea. Head to an lrish pub.
- Who invited you?

l thought you did.

l guess l was a wee bit mistaken.

- lt sounds lovely, but, see, l just got here.
- Oh, Lucille, go. Have a good time.

- Oh, great.
- lt's late, you're tired, you just got here.

We're doing Tool Time tomorrow.
You'll wanna be peppy.

Peppy? Tim, l may be getting old,

but l think l've got enough pep
to sit through Tool Time

Don't be so sure. Younger people than you
haven't been able to make it through.

- Thanks for a wonderful dinner.
- Jill, thanks.

Come on, peppy, let's go.

l can't believe you let her go.

Let her go? She's a grown woman.
She wanted to go.

She shows up, drops her suitcases off,
heads out for a night on the town.

What is this, a hotel?

Well, she did tip the boys.

- She didn't look at the hot rod.
- Big deal. She'll see it tomorrow.

lt's a big deal to me. How would you feel
if your mom came over for a visit

- and five minutes later, she took off?
- Like l'd won the lottery.

This is just like you. We're trying to have
a serious conversation, you make jokes.

lf you're that upset, wait till she gets home
and talk to her. Tell her how you feel.

- l don't like talking about my feelings.
- You do it with me all the time.

That's 'cause you make me.

(door closes)

Hi, Mom.

- Tim, what are you doing up?
- l'm waiting for Mark. You know...

Often times, he stumbles in at am, too.

- You were waiting for me, weren't you?
- No. l was working on the hot rod.

What were you doing out so late?

When you went out late,
what were you doing?

Well, l... Let's not go...

Let's not go there.

Art and l closed down the bar.
He's so easy to talk to.

Do you know it has been ages
since l've spent time alone with a man?

Let's not go there, either.

Fine. l think l'll head up to bed.

Do you mind if l go there?

As long as you're up,
you wanna see the hot rod?

- lt's three in the morning. Can't it wait?
- Sure. Sure.

Could've seen it earlier
if you hadn't darted right out after dinner.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. Sorry.

l haven't seen you in a while. l thought you
could stay here, and we could talk.

- You wanna talk?
- What's wrong with that?

l tried to talk to you earlier,
and you didn't seem very interested.

- l was interested.
- You didn't act that way.

l told you l had a problem with my knee,
and you made a big joke about it.

Then l told you l was lonely in the house,
and you started to imitate a parrot.

You used to like my imitations.
Remember that monkey? Ooh-ooh-ooh.

- You're doing it again, Tim.
- What am l doing again?

When l try to tell you what's really going on
with me, you don't wanna listen to me.

- l wanna listen.
- You do the same thing every Sunday.

l call, l try to have a real conversation
and all you ever ask me is:

- ''How's the Buick?''
- l... We talk about other stuff.

Are you having a problem with the Buick?

Tim, there's a sign over your head
that says, ''Not getting it.''

- Good night.
- Good night.

- OK, boys, let's go.
- Where we going?

l'm taking us to our annual ice-cream
breakfast at Leo's Sugar Shack.

All right.

And what restaurant are we going
to tell your parents we went to?

- The Healthy Vegetable.
- Very good.

And, Mark, if anybody asks, you had...

- A wheat-germ omelet.
- Excellent.

- Brad?
- l had bean turd.

That's bean curd.

Oh. Well, they taste the same.

Randy, what did you have?

l had an alfalfa shake, and then l threw up.

Nice touch.

- So, where you guys going for breakfast?
- Um, The Healthy Vegetable.

- Can we bring you something?
- Um...

- A pint of mint chocolate chip.
- You got it.

- Hi, honey.
- Don't start with me.

What?

lt was your idea to have a conversation
with my mom. lt was a disaster.

She says l'm incapable
of having a real conversation.

- Can you believe that?
- Yeah-huh.

What you mean, yeah-huh?

Every time she calls, you ask her
about the car and hand me the phone.

- That's a real conversation.
- Yeah, real lame one.

She has nothing to complain about.
l do more for her than all my brothers.

l fix her car. l drove miles
to put her storm windows in.

l know. l think she just wants to connect
on a more emotional level.

People share their emotions
in different ways.

Some talk about their feelings with their
mother, and some Scotchgard her sofa.

Well, Scotchgarding is a powerful way
to show intimacy.

There's something different with her.

She never used to dredge up old feelings.
She kept them inside where they belong.

No, that's where ulcers belong.
l agree with you. l think she has changed.

And evidently she wants to share
some real moments with you.

- Why?
- That's how you feel close to people.

That's ridiculous. l've had plenty
of close relationships with people

that l've never shared a real moment with.

- Hey, Tim.
- Hi, Al.

lt was nice of you to invite me for coffee.
You haven't done that in a long time.

Or ever.

- l thought it'd give us a chance to talk.
- Oh, yeah? About what?

- Mothers.
- Oh, no. No.

Boy, l should've seen this one coming.

You invited me here
to make fun of my mother.

- No.
- OK, well, what's it gonna be today?

More fat jokes?

You've already done all those.
How about her perspiration problem?

Or maybe the way her jowls sway.

Or how about the way the skin
under her arms wobble?

Al, Al, Al.
There's people eating food in here.

Sit down.

l wanna talk about my mother.

- Does she wobble?
- No.

No one knows more about mothers than
you. l wanna bounce something off you.

- Well, sure. Hey, bounce away.
- OK. Um...

Last night, my mom got kind of mad at me,
and she says we don't communicate

because l talk on a superficial level.

Oh, l can totally relate.
So you know what l'm going through?

No, l can totally relate to your mother.
The only real conversation we ever have is

when l say something,
and you tell me to shut up.

Shut up.

Tim, Al.

Wilson...

l'm really sorry, but l couldn't help
but overhear what you were saying.

l didn't know you knew this place.

l often come here
when The Healthy Vegetable is closed.

- You know, l love their bean curd.
- Oh, yeah. Boy, it's to die for.

Or to die from.
l've had one of those things.

l don't mean to intrude, but l thought
l might offer my perspective

- on what you were talking about.
- Al's mom's arm wobble?

Oh, no, no, Tim.

The problem that you're having
with your mother.

When you finish talking
about Tim's mother,

l'd like to talk
about my relationship with my mother.

l'm sorry, Al, but l don't think
l have that kind of time today.

Order me something,
and l don't want the bean turd.

What do you think?

Tim, l think that you may
already know the answer.

- l already have the answer?
- Yes.

l'm reminded of something you told me
a couple of years ago about your father.

What does my father have to do with this?

Remember telling me
that the great regret for your life

is you never got to know him well?

He d*ed when l was .
l didn't have the chance to know him.

Well, your mom's still alive.
You wanna ruin that chance with her?

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Tim.

Did you bring the boys with you?

Oh, no, the boys.

How many of them were there?

Mom...

l left them at the mall.

- Can we talk about last night?
- Oh, it's OK, Tim.

l'm sorry we got into it.

l know we both love each other,
and that's enough for me.

What if it's not enough for me?
l really think we should talk about this.

l don't want you to talk about anything
that makes you uncomfortable.

l understand that.

Mom, l'm really sorry l cut you off
when you're trying to talk to me,

but l'm just not used to you coming to me
with stuff like this.

l'm not used to having to go to anybody
with stuff like this.

lt's just that, of all my boys,

l was hoping that you were the one
that l could open up to.

Why me?

You've always been the strong one
in the family.

l have?

Oh, come on, Mom. You're the strong one.

l still can't believe
how strong you were when Dad d*ed.

Oh, l had no choice.

l had a house full of boys without a father.
l just did what l had to do.

God. Sometimes l don't know
how l got up in the morning.

l was so empty.

And l felt so bad

that l couldn't give you boys
the kind of attention l knew you needed.

- Mom...
- Especially you, Tim.

- What do you mean?
- You took it the hardest when Dad d*ed.

You kept everything bottled up inside.

Maybe that's why you can't talk about
anything serious without making a joke.

Oh, l've gotten over that now.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

l just wish that l could've done a better job
of helping you through those times.

- You did a great job.
- Oh, l don't know.

lf it hadn't been for you,
l would've never gotten through it.

Oh... thanks, Tim.

- Mom...
- Yeah?

You know what?
l want you to talk to me about stuff.

l don't wanna miss knowing you
the way l missed knowing Dad.

l don't want that, either, Tim.

Boy, it kills me that l didn't get to know him.

You know, you two would've gotten
such a kick out of each other.

l mean, when l watch you working
on that hot rod,

l think, ''There's something Dad
would've loved doing with him.''

- You think we would've gotten along?
- Like a nut and a bolt.

And l think we know who the nut is.

Oh, Tim. l love you, Tim.

l love you.

OK. Enough of this kissy stuff. Shouldn't
we be heading down to Tool Time?

Oh... yeah.

l gotta write new stuff. l'm gonna lay off
the jokes about Al's mom for a while.

Oh, darn. l love those.

Let me ask you one thing
that has been bugging me.

Sure.

ls Marty your favorite?

Yes.

lt's gonna be a lot of work
to sell the house and move,

but l'm really glad
l finally made the decision to do it.

lt's gonna be nice for all of us
to have you close by.

Do you know what l dread most
about moving?

- Leaving your memories behind?
- No.

Leaving Hector the handyman behind.

Whenever Tim pulls out of my driveway
after fixing something, l speed dial Hector.

Believe me, l understand and don't tell Tim
that l gave you this number.

This is Joe the handyman.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, boy.
Wife and mother in the same room.

Can't be good for me.

Your mom was saying
how nice it'll be living close by.

Yeah. l'm nearby. l can stop by
and fix things any time you want.

Gee, thanks, Tim. l can't tell you
what a feeling of security that gives me.

Now l can just buy a house
and not worry about a thing.

Really?

You gave her Joe's number, didn't you?

Yep.

Good, 'cause he's a lot better than Hector.

My mom has nothing to complain about.

l do more for her
than my brothers combined.

l drive up there and fix her car.
miles to put in her storm windows.

l think she just wants to connect with you
on a more emotional level.

Emotional-shomotional. Come on.

(laughs)

Emotional-shomotional.