02x17 - You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

[bunniefuu]

When cutting the shelving
for your entertainment center,

you want to remember the old carpenters'
adage, "Measure twice, cut once."

Yeah, but what about
the other adage by the Carpenters?

Why do birds suddenly appear

When you're near?

If you'd like plans
for our entertainment center,

write to us, Tool Time.
and ask for Tool Time plan A .

But A won't include
the little adjustment I made.

And what little adjustment
would that be, Tim?

I installed a little
swing-out drawer for the VCR.

Well, plan A does not require a pull-out
drawer and will not be in the blueprints.

Al, Al, Al.

Let's not get hung up on blueprints,
shall we, Al?

Let's think about the many things in life
that have been built just on the old noggin,

using the imagination.
Like the Seven Wonders of the World.

I believe the Sphinx
required extensive blueprints, Tim.

Al, Al, Al.

I'm talking about
the seven wonders of the manly world.

Wing nuts.

Oh, ho, ho.

The athletic cup. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Gatorade.

You're comparing
Gatorade to the Sphinx?

Has the Sphinx ever replaced
your electrolytes?

I don't think so, Al.

Tim,

can we stop this nonsense
and please get back to our project at hand?

As you can see,
I've added a new roller on the drawer, here,

using Binford's new easy-glide system.

It's Teflon-coated,
so it's just like fluid movements.

Well, I hope you put stops
on the front of the track, Tim.

Gosh, I hope I did,
otherwise things would just fall right out.

It worked. I apologize.

It is fluid-like movement 'cause you can
move your VCR in and out just like that.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Can we put the kids in the middle?

(Tim) Come on, Isiah.
Here he goes. There he...

Drives a lane, he sh**t, he scores!

All right!

Dad, what game are you watching?

I taped the Piston-Bulls game
from last night.

- Oh, great game. The Pistons...
- N-n-no. Quiet!

I don't wanna know the score.
I didn't see it last night, that's why I taped it.

I didn't look at the paper.

So you don't want us
to ruin the surprise for you.

Yeah, brainiac. That's the idea.

Aren't there some ants you can burn
somewhere, or something like that?

Brad, this has gotta be worth something.

I mean, at least a couple of bucks.

It's not worth any bucks. Nothing.
You're getting no money, OK?

OK, but, you know...
We wouldn't want the score

- to accidentally slip out.
- Quiet. Quiet!

- Like ...
- All right!

Boy, oh, boy, you guys.

Here. Take all I got.

Dad, we meant two bucks each.

Come on. Don't mess up my suit.
Go, go, go. Get out.

Tim, will you sign this card for Sheila?

Not now, I'm watching
this Piston-Bulls game I taped.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
The Bulls. That's, uh...

Marvin Jordan, right?

Yeah, Marvin...
Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Don't get too involved in it.

When Karen gets here
we gotta go to Sheila's wedding.

What's the hurry?
The groom probably won't even show up.

Don't say that, don't say that!
It's bad luck.

How much worse luck
can the woman have?

She's been jilted at the altar,
like, three times.

(doorbell rings)

I know. I'm in the wedding this time.
I'm going to bring her luck.

You were in our wedding,
it didn't bring us that much luck.

Very funny! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Come in.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Thank you so much
for baby-sitting for us.

It's my pleasure.

- Hi, Karen.
- Hey, Mark.

Ready for a hot hand of go fish?

Sure, I'll run and get the cards.

Hey, Tim.

Oh, don't bother to get up.

Wasn't even thinking about it.

Tim, it is so noisy.
Can you turn it down, please?

OK, tell me everything. Is it a big wedding?
Is he spending a fortune?

Yes, I really...
I can't believe it. I mean...

- Her father keeps...
- It's not working, hon.

He's gonna be spending,
like, $ , on the flowers alone.

- $ , ?
- Yeah.

That's right. She's - he'd pay anything
to get her out of the house now.

All right, where's the slam
about me being and single?

That was last year.
Now you're and desperate.

Not true.

Just so happens
I'm dating a very nice attorney.

He took me
to the Pistons' game last night.

Oh, that's the game
that Tim is watching right now.

Oh, yeah. Wasn't that great when
the Pistons won it right at the buzzer?

Oh, come on, Tim. You weren't
gonna see the whole game anyway.

What did you do with
that list of instructions that Sheila gave us?

- I tossed 'em out.
- Oh, no! Why?

We have been
to North Adams a hundred times.

I need those. They're very specific
to get to that church. Here they are.

I know the church. She's almost
been married there three times.

You just follow
the teardrops right up to the door.

I can't take any chances.
I have to be there a couple of hours early.

I think you're forgetting who has the
radarlike sense of direction around here.

- Tim?
- Yeah?

Car is out front.

Well, the radar doesn't really kick in
till you get in the car.

Tim, I don't think
we're on the right road.

We're fine.
We followed all the signs for the detour.

Sheila said that after minutes we'll pass
a -foot guy holding a huge doughnut.

We missed him. Maybe he's out looking for
a -foot cup of coffee to dunk it in.

Tim, what road are we on?

- . Heading south.
- OK.

. Sheila said that we would see a place
called Rhonda's Discount Hair Outlet.

Does Sheila know the roads
actually have numbers? , ?

There's no
Interstate Big Guy With A Doughnut.

Honey, we're fine.
We took west, just past Ann Arbor,

south on , looking for
County Line Road, right into North Adams.

Tim, that sign. It just said .

It can't be. I haven't turned off .

Well, maybe we should stop
and ask for directions.

Honey, I know where we're going.
I know where we are.

There's a sign. Adrian, six miles.

OK, Adrian.

Adrian is on . We're down and right.
We're supposed to be up and left.

Thank you, Rand McNally.
Do you mean north and west?

We have gone
way out of the way. Way out.

No, we haven't.
We're only an inch or so.

I see.

So when we hit Ecuador, you'll just say
we're off by about a foot and a half?

- Honey, we're fine.
- Ask for directions.

By the time I stop and ask for directions,
we're gonna be where we're going.

Not if you drive around in circles.

- Watch the map, please.
- What?

- You're folding it wrong.
- Folding it wrong?

Who died and made you the map police?

Honey.

(car horn)

Tim, my feet are freezing. I'm starving.

Eat your feet.

Fine. But I'm not giving you any.

Oh, come on.

I got some Life Savers.
That'll hold you over.

Thank you. Why can't we
just stop and ask for directions?

Because we're almost there.

Tim, I have to be there early enough
to be able to put my dress on.

We're close.
Next sign you see will be North Adams.

Right there, what does that say?

"Welcome to Ohio."

Well, we won't be needing
that Michigan map now, will we?

If we hit Kentucky,
I'm filing for divorce.

All right, all right. I'll pull it over.

You know, seeing that sign
was a good thing,

'cause now we know
that we are finally in the right direction.

Oh, good.
Pull up to that minimart over there.

You can find out
how to get to North Adams.

- I don't need the directions now.
- Stop and ask for directions,

or I will get up early every morning
and burn your sports section.

Whoo, boy!

Cold out there.

- Officer.
- Hi, there. What can I do for you?

I'm on my way to a wedding.
I gotta find .

- ? That's pretty far.
- Yeah.

You're really lost.

Way lost.

Well, I was letting my wife
do the navigating. You know how that is.

(officer) OK.

You're on County Road , you wanna
follow that north, two tenths of a mile, to .

- . Is north right or left?
- It's left.

- Thanks a lot, you guys.
- All right.

- No, you can't go that way.
- Sure he can, Marty.

Nah, radio says County Road
closed near , John.

- Fallen tree.
- Oh, yeah.

You can take County Road ,
turn west on Elmwood.

Which is right before Oakwood,
so you hit Oakwood, you've gone too far.

OK. What's before Elmwood?

Edgewood. But what do you care?
You're going to Elmwood.

Thanks, guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What am I talking about?

- Elmwood's closed.
- Fallen tree?

No. A dead cow.

Yeah, frozen to the highway.

- What?
- Happens a lot.

- Go north - that's left. OK?
- All right.

Now, at Beechwood
you turn east - that's right.

Now, Beechwood becomes Route .
But you won't know that

'cause it's called Evelyn. But it
doesn't matter 'cause the sign blew down.

- Sign's down.
- OK.

Now, continue going east, on Evelyn,
also known as Beechwood, a.k.a. Route ,

till the fork in the road.

Now, north - left - is Carmelita,
right - south - is Maple.

You want right-south Maple. Got that?

Cows freeze to the highway a lot?

(mooing and cowbell)

This is insane.

Getting dressed in the backseat of a car.

I cannot believe it.

- You look terrific.
- Look...

Why are we not there yet?

I mean, didn't we get
those directions, like, an hour ago?

No, no. It wasn't that long and we're
almost there, honey. We're close.

Boy, it's been a long time since you've
been undressed in the back of this car.

Please just keep driving.

You know, sometimes
I forget just how sexy you are.

Well, keep forgetting.

(car horn)

Will you keep your eyes on the road!

I can't. This storm is getting worse.
I can barely see anything.

Oh, look. There's some lights up there.
Just pull up into that place

and find out where we are.

We're in North Adams. I can feel it.

Oh, just pull in and see.

Stay here.

Oh, boy.

k*ller night.

Oh, no.

Hey.

How's it going?

I'm in hell.

How was the wedding?

Terrific. Oh, what a great time!
Now, if I gotta head back to that wedding,

what would be
the best way to get back there now?

- Why would you wanna go back?
- My wife left her purse there.

Just like a woman, huh?

You're lost again, huh?

Tim, do you know where we are now?

- Yeah, I know exactly where we are.
- Oh, that's good. Hi.

I think I'd better call the church
and tell 'em that we're gonna be late.

- So, this must be your lovely wife, huh?
- Ye...

J-Jill?

Do you feel a draft at all?

Area code ?

Are we still in Ohio?

Yes, ma'am. The Buckeye State.

Didn't you tell me
that we were in North Adams?

I said I know exactly
where North Adams is.

Sure does.
We gave him directions over an hour ago.

You gave him directions... Oh, no.
Is this the place that we stopped before?

Sure. We haven't moved.

How did you do this?

Well, I was a little confused with the
blizzard. You were naked in the backseat.

Oh, hey, hey. Come on, now.
This is Ohio. We have laws.

- I think you're just happy about this.
- Oh, yeah. Thrilled. Look at me.

This is how I planned it, man. Drive around
three hours. Blizzard. Get lost.

End up in Marty's minimart here in Ohio.

You folks own
that red station wagon out there?

- Yes, we do.
- It's rolling backwards down Elmwood.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa!

Does anybody have any...

- Karen.
- What?

- Don't cheat.
- Cheating? I wasn't cheating.

I was just checking to see
if Mark needed some more hot chocolate.

- I'll get some.
- OK.

Does anybody have any...

fours?

Darn it! You guys always win.

- Hi, everybody.
- Whoa, Dad.

- Who are you? Frosty the Mudman?
- I really don't need to hear this now, OK?

You obviously
got the car dug out of the ditch.

- I got the car out of the ditch.
- Yeah.

Mom must have been mad
when you got lost in Ohio.

(fake laugh)

Oh, she loved it.
It was the best night of her life.

Yeah, right.

I guess that's why
you didn't come home with your wife.

- Over the edge?
- Way over the edge.

Uncle Bill took her to the wedding.
He's gonna drop her off a little later.

Why didn't you go?

Go like this?

Mudman?

I think it's time you guys went to bed.
And wash up before you go.

- Look who's talking.
- I heard that.

Thanks for watching these guys.
How were they?

Oh, they were great.

Did somebody get the Red Wings game
on videotape, like I wanted?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It was a great game.
The Red Wings won, three to two.

Guess you didn't
wanna hear that, did you?

Night.

Hi-ho, Tim.

Hi, Wilson. You're up late.
What are you doing?

Well, I'm just packing some snow to send
to my cousin Ernie in Pango Pango.

He really misses the winter.

- He does?
- Of course, he pays me for it.

And let me tell you,
there's no business like snow business.

(laughs)

I'm on a roll.

You won't believe the night I've had.

Well, from the looks of you, I would say
that you pushed a car out of a ditch.

And from the nature
and texture of your clothes,

I would say
you were somewhere in Ohio.

From the sound of that,
I'd say you were talking to Karen.

I can't fool you, neighbor Tim.

Did you hear the whole story? Spent
half the night driving around in circles.

Mm-hm.
Through a couple of states, I believe.

All Jill wanted me to do
was stop and ask directions.

I didn't do it
because I hate asking for directions.

Well, all men do.
It makes them feel subservient.

I really was sure that I knew where
I was going. I sensed it, you know?

That's because men navigate by instincts
and women navigate by landmarks.

Yeah, she kept talking about
some huge man with a doughnut.

Oh, sure. That's the sign
for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza.

- It's the turnoff to North Adams.
- (grunts)

I should have just done what she said. Got
directions and forget my stupid instincts.

Oh, Tim.
Don't sell your stupid instincts short.

Do you realize that people
have a tiny compass in their nose?

I was never aware of that, no.

Yes, it's true. People have
a tiny iron deposit in their nose.

It's right up here,
near the ethmoid bone.

And that gives them directions
to magnetic north,

and since men have more iron
in their bodies than women,

it only follows
that they would make a better compass.

(nasally) If I have such good instincts,
how come I couldn't find the wedding?

Pardon me, Tim?

If I have such good instincts,
how come I couldn't find the wedding?

Well, Tim, a map
is a little more accurate than your nose.

Plus it's a heck of a lot easier to fold.

- Here comes your beautiful bride, Tim.
- Good night, Wilson.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How'd the wedding go?
- There wasn't one.

She got stood up again.

- Not again?
- I couldn't believe it.

The guy called the caterer
and cancelled the dinner.

The caterer broke it to Sheila
in kind of a mean way, too.

Walked over to the wedding cake
and just ripped the groom right off the top.

Just left a shin
and a knee bone there, huh?

Sheila told everybody to go home.
You should've seen Aunt Merle

trying to stuff all the jumbo shrimp
in her purse before she left.

- This was too big to fit in the purse?
- She got the bottom three layers.

When I left,
Sheila was crying into her double bourbon,

having to listen to that nephew of hers -
you know, Todd -

play "You Light Up My Life"
on the accordion.

Some night, huh? You know
my direction's usually better than that.

I just got all disoriented, even though
my nose is filled with iron boogers.

- What?
- Don't worry. You got 'em too.

Oh.

Don't explain, don't explain.

I've already decided
that this whole night is poor Sheila's fault.

I mean, the woman is cursed.

- Did you get anything to eat?
- Uh-uh.

- You want some cake?
- Sure.

Would you get some forks and knives?

Let's see.

- You know what this reminds me of?
- Yes.

Our wedding.

Our wedding was so beautiful.

I am so glad that I didn't let
anybody talk me out of marrying you.

- Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
- Oh, no one. You know, just...

my mom, my dad,
my sisters, my friends.

The minister.

The postman.
Some guy down at the mailbox.

- You know. Oh, and Sheila.
- Yeah.

Who said to me, "Don't marry him.
I know a loser when I see one."

- Good thing she was wrong.
- Who said she was wrong?

This is the best cake Sheila's ever had.

I'm never getting married.

You and Sheila have a lot in common.

Dad,

what was your wedding like?

Your mum really loved it. But, I gotta
be honest, weddings aren't really for men.

- What do you mean?
- I mean women,

they invent weddings for other women.

Flower girls tossing little petals around.

All the bridesmaids look like big swollen
daffodils in these little taffeta gowns.

Well, then, why get married?

Well, 'cause one day
you meet a real wonderful girl.

Who'll badger you
into thinking it's a great idea.

Is that right?

Did you see her over there?

So, tell me, Mr. Wedding Genius Expert,
how would you plan a wedding?

Oh, easy. I'd go with that football theme.
The old gridiron wedding.

Have the minister stand up there,
and - you know where he stands -

you put a big... one of those
wide-screen TVs, right behind him.

So you can catch the play-offs.

Then right at the right moment,
the minister would say:

"You may raise the helmet
and kiss the bride."

Then you'd spike the ball
and carry her off.

So I don't hear
any complaints about the honeymoon.

- You wouldn't do anything to change that?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

After the wedding, you take the bride
back to the honeymoon suite,

- lower the lights, turn on some music...
- Yeah. Yeah.

...play some air hockey.

- Well, I like that.
- OK.

So, how many games
would you be up for?

How many quarters you got, little lady?

I got a whole new roll.

Oh, no.

Why can't we just stop
and ask for directions?

Because we're almost there.

No, it's : . I was supposed
to be there, like, a half an hour ago.

Come on, honey.

- I don't have any idea what my line is.
- (laughs)

- It's good cake, isn't it?
- Yummy.

- Yummy.
- Yeah. Really good up the nose, too.