02x10 - Let's Did Lunch

[bunniefuu]

Remember to make the final strokes
with just the tip of your brush.

That way, you'll end up
with a beautiful finish,

just like on this
American walnut cabinet.

Tim, it's not American walnut.
It's English walnut.

Wrong, Al. That's American walnut.

I don't think so, Tim.

Pardon me. (sniffs)

English walnut.

(sniffs)

American bearded nut.

I've trained myself to distinguish wood not
only by sight and feel, but also by smell.

And smelling wood
must come real handy at parties, huh?

As a matter of fact, Tim, it does.

If you're a beaver.

If you were lost in the forest
in the middle of the night,

you'd be grateful for this talent because
you could sniff your way back to safety.

Or you could buy a cellular phone.

What's with you, anyway?

Well, Tim, all I can say is,
if push came to shove,

I believe I could
identify wood blindfolded.

Well, maybe the audience would like to see

a little demonstration
of Al's wood-sniffing skills? Huh?

OK, then. On the next Tool Time.
we'll put Al "Nostrils" Borland to the test.

For now, the Tool Time tip of the day:

don't inhale the varnish
and definitely don't drink it.

It would be a sad end,
but a beautiful finish.

See you next time.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Can we put the kids in the middle?

This is perfect.
This is how we can get the McGurns.

The McGurn boys are poopheads.

What happened to you?

They got mad that you threw mud balls
at 'em so they made me into Mudman.

Don't worry.
We're gonna get 'em back good.

- Look at this.
- What is it?

It's a catapult. Look at the picture.

In Middle Ages, when you wanted
to storm an enemy's castle,

you'd get a dead and diseased horse
and fling it over the castle walls.

You don't have a dead horse.

Hey. Maybe we could get
Mrs. Bauscher's dog.

- He's not dead.
- Well, almost.

We just need something that stinks.

I don't stink.

Garbage.

We could build one of those things
and fling it into the back of McGurns' yard.

All right. Yes.

Oh, no. What are you doing now?

I souped up the weed whacker, baby.

I thought you bought that one 'cause it was
the most powerful one in the store.

Now it's the most
powerful one on the planet.

I put a little miniturbo in here.

I think I can get this two-cycle motor up to
, rpm's. Just call me Robowhacker.

- Excuse me, Mr. Whacker.
- Huh?

- There are no weeds in November.
- I know that.

I'm just going to do a little trial spin
before I put it to sleep for winter.

(doorbell rings)

Karen. Dave.
Dave and Karen. Happy couple. Hi.

- Hey, sweetie.
- You want some coffee?

- Yes. Yes.
- Where's Tim?

Oh, he's outside
trying some new weed whacker thing.

(weed whacker buzzing)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ha-ha-ha.

Whoo!

That's whacking some weeds. Dave!

- Hey, Tim.
- How you doin', buddy?

- Nice slacks.
- Karen.

- Nice legs, Chicken Little.
- Thanks, Mouth Big.

- What are you guys doing over here?
- We're going to the opera tonight.

Aah!

Jill, I need to borrow your opera glasses.

- OK. Which one are you going to see?
- La Boheme

- La Boheme?
- Yeah. La Boheme The Bohemian.

It's a very romantic opera,
but they're a very romantic couple,

just as I knew they would be
when I first set them up.

Hey, Tim. Why don't you guys
come and join us tonight, huh?

Dandy idea, Dave.

But I'm married now.

You only have to go through
that opera hell when you're dating.

- OK. Mr. Cynic.
- Goes both ways, Kar-Kar.

You dated.
You pretend you like football don't you?

Just so happens
that I really like football.

Just last weekend we curled up
on the couch and watched a whole game.

Really? Who played?
Don't say anything. Who played the game?

It was that team
that has the animal name.

And they were playing
opposite that team with the quarterback

with the really long hair
and the high cheek bones.

- Maraschino.
- Marino.

Marinovich.

- Very hunky guy.
- Very hunky.

Of course,
you know what I like about football?

- What's that?
- (both) The butts.

Then they get in that circle,
you know, and cuddle.

They huddle in the circle.

Tim. Why don't you come and show me
this new weed whacker, all right?

What is this?

Never seen a professional football before?

Needs air.

Listen, Tim. I need a favor from you.

Name it, buddy.

- You and I had lunch together yesterday.
- I was at the project house all day.

Yeah. I know you were, but if Karen asks,
you and I had lunch together.

- It's a tiny favor, Tim.
- It's not a tiny favor. This is a major favor.

Come on. Karen's Jill's best friend.

- I don't think I should know about this.
- All right, all right, all right.

- I'm seeing someone else.
- I don't want to hear about this.

- She's very nice.
- I don't want to know her.

- She's tall. She's blonde.
- Cut it out. Come on, Dave, Dave, Dave.

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean,
I've only been dating Karen for a month.

She'll think it's a big deal.
She's single and over .

Do you know what
a month is in ovarian years?

(door opens)

Dave. We gotta get going.
We don't want to be late for that opera.

Be right there, honey.

- (sighs)
- (door closes)

Tim, you gotta help me out.
I don't want to hurt Karen.

Then stop dating tall blondes.

Look, I gotta be honest with you.

I already told her that I had lunch
with you yesterday, so it may come up.

What?

Boxing Cat Grill.
Ham and cheese on rye. Extra mustard.

Dave, Dave. Come here. David. Dave!

(clipping noise)

- Wilson?
- Hi-di-ho, neighbor.

What? Are you over there
eavesdropping, huh?

Oh, heavens, no.

Just giving myself a little haircut.

You know, Wilson.
I was thinking about friends today.

You mean old two-timer Dave?

- I thought you said you weren't listening.
- No, no, no, no.

Just a few juicy tidbits
did waft over the fence.

He's put me in a real awkward position.

Well, are you referring to the ham
and cheese, the opera, or the tall blonde?

A few juicy tidbits, Wilson? Sounds like
you ended up with the whole tid.

Well, you heard the whole situation.
What do you do?

Defend your buddy
or hurt Karen with the truth?

(mumbles)

Well, Tim. I'm reminded
of what Aristotle said about Plato.

"Keep the lid on tight otherwise
it'll all dry out." That's what I tell Mark.

No, no, no.
No, Tim. Not Play-Doh.

Plato. The philosopher.

Oh, yeah. Very introspective guy. Wore
the tunics. Very nice guy. I understand.

Aristotle said, "Plato is dear to me,
but dearer still is truth."

"Piety requires us
to honor truth above our friends."

Yeah, of course.
So if it comes up, I should tell the truth.

Well, Tim. There's no easy answers.
It's the age-old dilemma.

The high road or the low road.
The lady or the tiger.

Door number one, door number two.

(grunts) Yeah. Firing squad, electric chair.
It's all the same to me.

Tim, you should say goodbye.
They're going.

- Bye, you guys.
- Yeah. We have to pick up Dave's suit.

He didn't get a chance to get it yesterday,
'cause you two guys got together for lunch.

Yeah, right. Lunch. Let's go, honey.

So, Tim. Did you like the Boxing Cat Grill?
It's one of our favorite places.

- Yeah.
- Did you try the pea soup?

No. Ham and cheese on rye.

Well, it was fun.
Thanks again for lunch, Tim.

Hey, Dave. Come to think of it.
Remember who paid the bill?

I think you owe me bucks, don't you?

(grunts) Oh-ho.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

- See ya.
- Bye.

- Thanks a lot, you guys.
- See you later.

- You're welcome. Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Have fun at the opera.
Like that's humanly possible.

- I'm gonna go change out of these pants.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not so fast.

You didn't have lunch with Dave yesterday.

Yeah, I did. He just covered his check.

You told me that you were
at the project house all day long.

Yeah, but... Except for the part
where I had lunch with Dave.

But Dave works downtown.
That's, like, miles away.

That's why we met halfway
at the Boxing Cat Grill.

What happened to the lunch
that I packed for you?

I took that with me.

To the restaurant?

We couldn't get in,
so we had to eat in the car.

- Then why did he give you the ?
- I sold him my sandwich.

There is something fishy going on here.

Either you did something wrong
or Dave did.

Those are my only options?

Is he seeing somebody else?
Don't lie to me.

- Don't lie to you.
- Look at me.

Look me in the eye and tell me
that he isn't seeing someone else.

- Define "seeing."
- Oh, no. I've got to call her now.

Don't call her. This is none
of your business. Jill, hang the phone up.

Karen is my best friend. I mean,
I set the two of them up. I'm responsible.

I've got to tell her
that jerk is fooling around on her.

- We don't know if that's true.
- Is it?

No.

I know you. You're covering for Dave.

When you say no,
you really mean yes, don't you?

- No.
- See.

- So two noes make a yes?
- Yeah.

- Does that yes mean no?
- No.

What?

I gotta call her,
or leave a message on her machine.

- Stay out of this, please. Stay out of this.
- What?

- Stay out of this.
- OK. Look.

I will stay out of this if you call Dave and tell
him that he's gotta come clean with Karen.

Got a better idea. Let's split the .

Tim!

All right. All right.
Take the whole thing.

You gotta call him.

Jill, you don't understand.
I can't call him and talk to him about this.

Men do not call each other
and talk about relationships.

Well, they talk about sex.

So? That has nothing
to do with relationships.

Except in ours.

Until now.

Youch. What do I owe you for this?

Hey. For the way you covered for me
with Karen yesterday, that's on me.

Dave. Let's talk
about yesterday for a minute.

Keep the . It was a good touch.

You really put me on the spot, Dave.

I know. I'm sorry, man.

Hey, but you handled it great.
Karen did not suspect a thing.

Let me tell you something
about Karen and I.

Hi, honey. Look who's here.

- Hey, Jill. How are you doing?
- Fine. Thanks.

Dave brought the right distributor, so now
maybe we can time this thing correctly.

Well. Timing's everything.
Isn't it, Dave?

You guys want me to make you some
sandwiches? Ham and cheese, perhaps?

That'd be great.
And get some coffee for us too.

I'll make the coffee, though. I'll do it.

- She knows?
- No.

- You told her.
- No, I didn't.

- And she's told Karen already. Hasn't she?
- I told her not to tell Karen.

Great.

Now, is Jill going to act weird
every time I see her?

I don't think you'll
be seeing her that much.

- That's a joke, Dave.
- Why did you tell her, Tim?

She's my wife. I have a hard time lying
to her. She made me look her in the eye.

Now I have to tell Karen
because if I don't, Jill will.

- Probably.
- You have sunk me with Karen.

No, Dave.
You sunk yourself with Karen.

You torpedoed this whole thing
and you tried to drag me into it.

- Don't get all mad at me over this.
- Thanks for the lecture, Tim.

Oh, come on, Dave.
Wait. One more question.

Is this the high-pull model
with the dual points on there?

Come on, Dave. Dave, lighten up.

All right. Thanks.

- No luck?
- I cannot find a distributor anywhere.

Of course, Dave's got the one I want,

but he hates me now,
so I won't be getting that one.

- That's what I get for being honest.
- You did the right thing, honey.

Try to remember that
when you're pushing my hot rod up l- .

"Honey, we got to pass this truck."
"I'm pushing as hard as I can."

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, Dave.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

She did, yeah.

What? That's amazing.

Not amazing.
I'm not happy about it, but...

No hard feelings. No.

Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
Before you go.

Could I have that distributor back?
'Cause I...

Dave?

- Well? What happened?
- Karen dumped Dave.

- Well, sure. After the blonde.
- No, no, no, no, no.

He didn't even tell her about the blonde.

She just said she
didn't want to see him anymore.

Really? Good for her.
Well, I guess her instincts were right.

Instincts?

Yeah, well, she mentioned
that there were some problems.

You know,
Dave wasn't really there for her.

Wasn't there for her?
He went to the opera with her.

- How much more "there" can a guy be?
- Not that kind of "there."

You know, emotionally present.
They weren't connecting.

She was thinking about
breaking up with him last week.

Wait a minute. You knew
she was going to break up with him?

- No. I knew that she was thinking about it.
- Why didn't you tell me that?

Well, because I didn't know
she was going to do it for sure.

Besides, I promised her I wouldn't.

Well, I promised Dave
I wouldn't tell you about the blonde.

Well, it's not my fault
that you can't keep a secret.

I can keep a secret.

Well, this wasn't the kind of secret
that you're supposed to keep.

Hold it a minute. Back the truck up.

There's some secrets
that you're supposed to keep,

and other secrets
you're not supposed to keep?

- Yeah.
- Is there a book on this somewhere?

Tell you what. If somebody tells you a
secret and you're not sure what kind it is,

tell it to me and then I'll tell you
whether you should keep it or not.

(grunts)

If you remember the last show, we were
promised a wood-sniffing demonstration

by our own Al "Dare to be Dull" Borland.

- Blindfold in place, Al?
- Yes, it is, Tim.

OK. Step into position there.

- Ready?
- Yes.

Aim. Fire.

Just checking if you're breathing, Al.
That's all I'm doing.

As you can see, I've got our three samples
of wood laid out on the work bench.

I will hand him them now, one at a time,

and he claims he can tell us
what type of wood it is just by smelling it.

We shall see.

Al Borland, name that wood.

(sniffs) Tim, that's hickory.

Can you believe it, ladies?
This man's single.

Second sample.
Al Borland, name that wood.

- (sniffs) Cedar.
- Ha!

Wait.

(sniffs)

Western red cedar.

- You almost messed that one up, Al.
- Well, I'm fighting off a cold, Tim.

Well, this next sample...

(audience laughs)

...should be a little bit
more difficult to discern, Al.

Might have to take a big old whiff
of this thing to figure out what it is.

Well, I'm up to the challenge, Tim.

I certainly hope so, Al.

Al Borland, name that wood. (chuckles)

(sniffs) Ohh! (coughs)

Well, it's a hardwood
from the Pacific Northwest.

And... ugh.

Well, it's... This particular piece
seems to have some type of a fungus.

Well, uh... Uh...

Let me try this again.

(hyperventilates/sniffs)

- Paagh!
- Ohh!

- Here comes Mom.
- (Randy) Come on, cover up the catapult.

What's all this noise out here?

We were just trying to build a fort.

Did your dad tell you you could do this?

Yeah. It was his idea.

Clean it up before you come in.

- No problem.
- OK.

Come on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I was thinking about Karen and Dave.
- Aw, not that again.

Yeah. On the way home tonight,
driving the car, I started to thinking...

You owe me an apology.

- Get outta here.
- No.

I was more honest about Dave
than you were about Karen.

- So you apologize.
- Apologize. Forget it.

We're always supposed to apologize
when we do something wrong.

So say you're sorry.

Will that make you feel better?

- Yes.
- OK. I'm sorry.

Is that it?
(imitates her) "OK. I'm sorry."

I'm very, very sorry.

That's pathetic. You'd never let me
get away with an apology like that.

- OK.
- Now what?

- Tim.
- Oh, Jeez.

(Southern accent) I wronged you terribly.

I'm not fit to carry the name Taylor.

From henceforward on, I shall
be known only as "Jill, the wrong one."

Please, please, please, please forgive me.
(makes kissing noises)

(normal voice) Hey, what are you doin'?

(Southern accent) Say it like you mean it.

No, because I was not wrong.

- At least 'pologize for your lousy accent.
- Yours was worse.

- (normal voice) Was not.
- Was too.

- Was not.
- Was too.

All right.

- Now I must spray you into submission.
- Don't even think about it.

It's diet, honey.

- The McGurn boys are in their backyard.
- OK. Brad, hurry up.

- All ready.
- OK. Everybody just stand clear.

Hey, McGurns.

(McGurn boys) Yeah?

Eat garbage.

(McGurn boys) Oh! Garbage!
You're in big trouble.

- Just say you're sorry.
- No.

- Just say you're sorry one time.
- No.

- Hey. What's this?
- I don't know. They said you knew about it.

(grunts)

It's so mediaeval looking.

(Southern accent) You can run, but you
can't hide. I know where you live.

(McGurn boys) Hey! Taylors!

- What do you want?
- (McGurn boys) Eat this.

- Does that yes mean no?
- No.

What?

- I better call her. I'll just leave a message.
- Come on. Stay out of this. Stay out of this.

- OK. Look.
- (drops phone)

(no audio)

- Don't lie to me.
- Don't lie to you.

Look me in the eye...