02x04 - Groin Pains

[bunniefuu]

Today we get to mess with a Binford
-pound upright electric jackhammer.

You know, Al, they say
that breaking up is hard to do.

Evidently, Neil Sedaka never
played with one of these bad boys.

This can make some real noise.
pulsating decibels of jackhammer.

Ar-ar-ar-ar-oh-oh-ar-ar-ar

You're right, Tim.
That's why we'll be protecting our hearing

with these soft, foam-filled,
plastic-cushioned earmuffs.

That's right, Al, and as any ZZ Top fan
knows, hearing loss begins at decibels.

At decibels you have your
ordinary -inch table saw.

(table saw whines)

At decibels you have
your -inch radial arm saw.

(radial arm saw whines)

And very dangerous, at decibels,

you have your unbelievable -inch
mother-in-law.

(woman sings)

(singing cuts off)

Just kidding, Nana.

Al...

Earmuffs on.

All right, plug me in, Al. I'll need to get
AC power to this thing quick, all right?

Plug it in, Al.

Al!

Al!

Fly's down.

You're fired!

(laughs)

You know, ladies, as Al's best friend,
I'd like to talk you about him

for a minute if I could.

The beard,
pretty cheesy-looking, isn't it?

And those flannel shirts
do nothing for me.

And as Al's dating record will attest,
they don't do much for him either.

Well, what do you think?
Can we put the kids in the middle?

Here's the last of them.

It's really nice of your mom
to give us these encyclopedias.

- What are you doing with the trunk?
- Putting books in it.

This thing's gonna weigh a ton! You know,
I've got two boxes in the garage for this.

Well, that's silly. We'll just use this
and you don't have to make two trips.

Right. I'll be making two trips anyway.
One to the garage and one to the hospital.

Oh, honey, you can do this. You used to
bench-press your body weight in college.

You're heavier now,
you should be able to lift more.

If that were true,
you should be able to lift the whole...

The whole what?

The whole-wheat bread over there.

I got the lead!

- Oh!
- Yeah!

My baby got the lead!

- Oh, he's gonna play Peter Pan.
- Good going, buddy!

I knew it! I knew that he had that spark,
you know, that thing that says:

- "I am an artist. I live for the theater."
- Down, Jill. Down

I told you this, you know,
when he was in that Christmas pageant

all the other kids stood up on the stage.
Randy... stood up... on the stage.

Well, he probably gets it from you, hon.

'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf,
you bu-u-urn meatloaf.

I'm just glad I finally have a kid
who appreciates culture.

Yeah, and the best part is
I get to miss social studies for a month!

- Honey, what is this?
- Nothing.

Oh, yeah?

- "Desires Passion in the Wind"
- It's nothing.

I just bought it in the grocery store line.

- And these?
- No...

"Desires Real Passion"

"The Sweet Kiss of Desire"

"Desire and the Leprechaun"

Cut it out.

You know, I didn't know
you liked books like this.

I know it sounds silly, but, you know,
they're actually very well-written.

Really?

(clears throat)

"Her heart stood still
as Derek swept her into his arms."

"His sinewy biceps rippled
as he carried her up the stairs

to a night of eternal ecstasy."

Oh, please.

OK, so I enjoy
cheap romance and drama.

Fine. I'll bring some
hand puppets to the bedroom.

Come on, I'll help you get this
over out to the garage.

Whoa. This is a lot heavier
than I thought it was.

Maybe Derek could help you
with those sinewy biceps.

He probably could.
He's only .

- Step aside, little lady.
- Oh, come on, Tim. I was just teasing you.

A minute ago
you were asking me to carry it.

No, no, no.
That was before I knew how heavy it was.

- You don't think I can carry this?
- Maybe, if there weren't any books in it.

- I can lift it with the books.
- Oh, come on, Tim!

- You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Oh.

Watch my biceps ripple one by one.

(Tim grunts)

Trunk of desire.

It's all in the legs, babe.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Gee!

Argh!

Argh!

- Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
- I don't think I...

I don't think I'm ever
gonna go to the bathroom again.

Oh!

- What happened?
- I pulled my groin.

- What's that?
- My very favorite muscle.

- I'll get Mom.
- No, no, no, no. Don't tell your mother.

Don't tell your mother.

Why not? Whenever I get hurt
she makes me feel better.

Well, that's regular pain,
this is man pain.

How do you know if you have
regular pain or man pain?

If you do something stupid
it's probably man pain.

But if you don't tell Mom,
isn't that lying?

Not if you don't say the words.
If you said the words it'd be lying.

- What if she asks me?
- Lie!

Lisa.

Al, Al. Can you come here?
I need some help.

I don't believe that's
part of my job description, Tim.

Just stand there and block my view
and tell me if anybody's coming, OK?

Mm-hm.

Butterfly's loose.

Do you ever feel like
your whole groin is on fire?

Every night, Tim.

- seconds, guys.
- Thanks, Lisa.

What happened is I pulled
a groin muscle yesterday at home.

I went to the doc's this morning. He said
I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy.

So we have to change the format
of the show a little bit today.

- You're gonna have to do all the work.
- And what would the change be, Tim?

(Lisa) Does anybody
know what time it is?

(audience) Tool Time!

That's right!
Binford Tools is proud to present

Tim "the tool man" Taylor.

Thank you.

Ah, thank you very much.

Welcome to Tool Time
I'm your host, Tim "the tool man" Taylor.

And, of course, we all know my assistant,
Al. Al, what are we up to today?

Well, Tim,
today we're gonna be showing you

how to patch up your
sidewalk or driveway.

And to do that we're gonna
need to mix up some concrete.

That's right, concrete.
Cement, sand, gravel and water.

A man's Play-Doh. Ha-ha.

The best place to get concrete,
of course, is a cement truck.

But, of course, none of us have a cement
truck. But we'd all like one, wouldn't we?

Who wouldn't want , pounds out of
a hydraulic diesel-powered truck, oh yeah.

Ten-yarder, chutes spitting
water and gravel, churn... (barks)

But quite frankly,
who needs , pounds of cement?

Nobody. Not unless you have
your mother-in-law visiting

and you want to
make her some Loafers.

Just kidding, Nana.

Speaking of loafers,
Al, why don't we mix up that concrete?

Well, since we'll only
be mixing up a small amount,

all we'll need is a wheelbarrow,
water, sand and cement.

Sounds like that recipe
for the cookies you brought in yesterday.

- My mother made those, Tim.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Hope she's dating a dentist.

- Here you go, Tim!
- No! I don't want...

We'll be right back
after these messages from B-Binfor...

(clunk)

- (Randy) Hey, shut up, Brad.
- Boys.

Face it, you're the king of dorks.

Dad, look.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, this is my costume.
I look like an elf.

- No, elves have those pointed shoes.
- Yeah, like these?

Exactly like those.

Yeah. They even match
his sissy green tights.

Cut it out. They're not sissy.

All your superheroes wear tights.
Superman, Batman, Spider-Man.

- Wonder Woman.
- Hey, shut up!

You gotta wear tights if you fly,
it's an FAA regulation.

- It's aerodynamic or something.
- (Randy sighs)

Yeah, but I'm not gonna fly.

What do you mean, you're not gonna fly?
You gotta fly. You're the Pan man, man.

Yeah, well, Mrs. Mellor says
I'm supposed to, like, prance.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

No, no, no! No, stop doing...
Don't do that! No!

Men don't prance.

We walk, we run, we s... skip if no one's
looking, we jump, that sort of stuff.

But we don't ever, ever, prance.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, but I can't fly.
The school doesn't have the equipment.

- They don't?
- No, and nobody knows how to build it.

- Nobody knows how to build it? (barks)
- Wait. Dad. Dad, no.

- Dad, cut it out. No. Dad.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You wanna fly?
I'm the guy who can fly you.

A double-ratchet pulley system.
Counterweight or something.

I can get you flying at mph
around that school.

Well, yeah. I'd rather prance.
No one ever died in a prancing accident.

You know, as I see it, fella,
you got two choices.

One, you're soaring feet in the air.
Swooping, diving, twisting,

turning over the audience,
they're looking up going:

"What's he flying for?
What's he... What's he gonna do to us?"

Or...

prance around in that
dorky little green outfit

wearing elf shoes.
(bell jingles)

- Fly me.
- Yes, yes, yeah, ow!

Ow! Oh!

- I'm home!
- H-honey, honey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are the... the kids home?
- Randy just went upstairs.

Oh.

You wanna help me with the groceries?

Jill.

I wanna tell you something.
Yesterday, when I lifted that trunk...

Oh, well, that is so weird
that you mention that.

'Cause I have been
thinking about it all day.

What?

- Well, I know that I told you not to do it.
- Yeah, you were right.

And I know that
I'm supposed to be way past this,

it's kind of embarrassing,
in fact, but I gotta tell you...

- I know, I know what you're gonna say.
...it really turned me on.

Huh?

Hey, Mom, is it OK if I go to Tommy's?

Please.

(door closes)

When you heaved that trunk

up onto those powerful arms

and I saw all those muscles rippling,

I thought, "Whoa."

"That is no boy.
That's my man."

- Where are we going?
- We're going upstairs.

Upstairs?

(Tim) Mm, mm.

Mm, mm.

- OK.
- (Jill giggles)

- We'll go upstairs.
- Tim.

What is it?

- Carry me.
- Huh?

- (crashing)
- (Tim) Aaarghhh!

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.

Honey, this isn't your fault.

No, it's not my fault.
I jumped into your arms.

OK, it was your fault.

What do you want me to do for you?
Shall I get you some ice?

Ice would be good. I'm no doctor,
but I think I pulled my groin muscle.

Oh, no.

- Mark, have you seen the ice pack?
- It's in the garage. I'll get it.

What is it doing in the garage?

Brad made a parachute
for Mrs. Thomson's cat.

What?

It didn't work.

- Why do you need an ice pack?
- Well, Daddy hurt himself.

You mean he told you
about his man pain?

His man pain?
What man pain would that be?

It's pain I'm not supposed
to tell you about.

- Oh, I already know about that.
- You know he hurt his favorite muscle?

Sure.

I just don't know how he did it, you know.
How did he do that?

- Carrying the trunk.
- Oh, right.

Carrying the trunk.

- Is Daddy going to be OK?
- Oh, yeah. Daddy's gonna be fine.

Mommy's gonna take
good care of Daddy.

Oh, honey, I just... I feel so bad.

You know, I just... I never realized that
I weigh so much more than that trunk.

Honey, that trunk didn't
give birth to three kids.

That's right.

You know, I think maybe
you hurt me worse than I thought.

Probably be a good idea if I just sat on
the couch all week and watched football.

I'd feel better I think.

Well, that's a good idea.
Oh, and you know what else?

I could... I could get you a little bell and you
could ring it whenever you need me.

- That's silly. If I need you I'll just yell.
- Oh. Good idea.

Here's your ice.

Hey, he-he-hey, hey!

Oh!

Well, pookums.

Did I hurt your man pain?

Mark, you squealer!

(Mark) She tricked me!

Hi-de-ho, neighbor.

Hey, Wilson.

- Now, what are you doing over there?
- Oh.

I'm designing a pulley system to fly Randy
for his school play. He's playing Peter Pan.

- I notice you're hobbling there, Tim.
- Yeah.

I pulled my groin muscle
trying to lift this trunk for Jill.

Ow-Chihuahua.

Well, if you needed help,
why didn't you call me?

Oh. I wanted to show her
that I could do it myself.

Oh, I see.

After all this time
you still want to impress your bride.

Yeah, that's kinda it. You know,
Jill and I have been married for years.

- .
- years, you know.

I still try to show off
for her now and then.

I think what you did
had a certain nobility.

- You see, Tim, you were being a peacock.
- (barks)

- That's good, huh?
- Oh, yes.

You were trying to impress
your peahen by displaying your plumage.

God, and I pulled
the heck out of my plumage.

Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.

- What's really bothering you, Tim?
- It's nothing. Well, Wilson, I'm confused.

You know, I'm carrying this trunk of books
and I find out she likes these books

about all these guys
with rippling muscles, you know,

so I wanted to, you know,
show her my rippling muscles

and these guys end up carrying
women off upstairs to ecstasy

and I pull a groin muscle.

Well, Tim, Tim, Tim, I think you've
got something over these young guys.

- You do?
- Uh-huh.

Yes, it's best summed up in an
ancient Chinese proverb. It goes:

(speaks Chinese)

W-w-wait, wait...
Is that Peking dialect?

I am so sorry, Tim.

It may lose a bit in the translation,
but it goes:

"A great lover is not one who romances
a different woman every night."

"A great lover is one who romances
the same woman for a lifetime."

That's something to think about,
isn't it?

Is there anything
you don't know, Wilson?

I don't know.

Pay attention, boys,
I'll show you how it's done.

Dad, when is
the ice-cream truck coming?

How am I supposed to know?

See, I told you, stupid, look.
Peter Pan is always played by a woman.

- No way.
- Look at the pictures.

Mary Martin, Sandy Duncan.

Oh, no.

- Dad, why isn't the ice-cream truck here?
- I don't know.

Dad, why didn't you tell me
it's a girl's part? I can't do this.

No, no. We're Taylors,
we're not quitters.

And besides, just 'cause a woman does it,
it doesn't mean a man can't do it.

It's time for you to reclaim Peter Pan.
Make him your kinda guy.

You know, a guy that ice-skates
and goes on a skateboard,

a man's man,
a guy with a hairy chest. (barks)

Dad, is the ice-cream truck
coming soon?

Would you forget about
the ice-cream truck for a minute?

Oh. Oh.

- Brad, let's start flying. Pull the rope.
- Dad, there's no way we can fly you.

Yes, there is a way you can fly me.
You know why?

Because I've got all these
pulleys counterweighted, OK?

This isn't just piano wire, this is aircraft
cable. We could lift Nana with this stuff.

- Wow.
- You're darn right, wow.

All right, fly me like an eagle.
Pull it up like I showed you.

Argh!

No wonder men don't play this part.
Guys, hold it. I don't have it rigged right.

Oh. No. Oh. Oh.

- Stop, please.
- Come on, Dad, think happy thoughts.

You're married. You're out of the house.
Now, go on. Get back. Get back.

All right. Now, fly me.
Go! Go!

It's that simple.

- (Jill) Tim, what are you doing?
- He's flying, Mom.

Are you crazy?

Come on, guys,
fly me up so I can see my peahen.

- Mom, Dad called you a pea brain.
- That's not what I said.

Come on, guys, all together,
pull me up there.

- Get me up high.
- Mark, Randy, grab the rope.

- What are you doing?
- Just hear me out, hon.

Well, stop it.
Get down from there!

- I'm just trying to explain the groin thing.
- You don't have to explain.

I'm sorry I put the ice
down your pants.

Don't be sorry about that.
It melted. It felt great.

Just get down. Come on.
You can come inside.

I was just trying to impress you.
And you know what I thought?

I don't need a different
Chinese woman every night.

- What?
- I just need you for the rest of my life.

- You see, after years of marriage...
- .

years.
I want you still to be impressed with me.

I am impressed with you.
Now, come inside before you hurt yourself.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm flying, honey!

Backwards. That's not easy.

I'm a peacock.
I'm spreading my wings for you.

- Tim, peacocks can't fly.
- (music plays)

(Mark) Ice-cream truck's here!

- (Randy) Ice cream!
- (Brad) All right!

Hey, guys. Don't let go of that rope!
Aaarghhh!

- Ah, I love that play so much.
- I wanna be Peter Pan when I grow up.

When you told the audience
to save Tinker Bell, I clapped so hard.

Hey, Randy, what did I tell you? Did you
see all those people looking up at you?

I saw Jennifer looking at me.

She wanted to know
where you bought your tights.

All right, all right.
You guys fly up to bed.

- And don't forget to brush your teeth.
- (Randy) Good night, you guys.

- (Jill) Good night.
- (Tim) Good night.

(Brad) Good night.

- Jill...
- Yeah?

- I feel better.
- Well, that's good, honey.

No, no, no.
I mean I feel a lot better.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

OK, well, you lock up down here and
I'll go upstairs and wait for Mr. Peacock.

I've got the bad arm and bad leg, why don't
I just lock up? You can just walk upstairs.

Peacock.

Oh. He left his hat down here.

- (bones crack)
- Oh!

Jill!

Jill!

(barking)