03x14 - Mrs. Kraft

[bunniefuu]

With all due respect, brain freeze
is something you bring on yourself.

I went a little haywire
when we bet on

who could drink
a Polar Freeze the fastest. N-oh!

Well, if it's any consolation
at this difficult time, you lost.

So according to our deal,
you owe me one giant surprise gift.

[DOOR OPENS]

Kinkle, Spellman.

[SABRINA YELLS, KRAFT GASPS]

Is Mr. Kraft still dating
your aunt Zelda?

No. See? I'm in denial about it.
You better go.

Hey, kids.

We were just getting ready
to watch a video.

Why don't you join us?

That is, if you think you can handle
the bittersweet anarchy

of Billy Jack Goes to Washington.

Cool. Unh!

Oh, brain freeze.
I better get him home.

Baywatch: The Early Years. Huh!

Salem, quit staring at me.

Sorry. I just can't stop reliving

the disgusting spectacle
I witnessed at that table last night.

Aunt Hilda told her "I-could-
have-been-a-great-dancer" story?

Worse. Right where you're sitting,
Zelda was making goo-goo eyes

with the Casanova of the hall pass,
Willard Kraft.

Oh! Gross, gross, gross.

Think happy thoughts,
like bunnies and flowers.

I'm glad Aunt Zelda's found a boyfriend,
but couldn't it have been a mammal?

Personally, I'm over it.

Oh, sure, I had issues
with my sister dating a man

who's still hopelessly in love with me,

but then I just decided to let it go.

- I suggest you do the same.
- You're right.

- It's not like he's moving in.
BOTH: Ha-ha-ha.

[KNOCKING,
SABRINA AND HILDA YELP]

Good morning, ladies.

Where's my zoo-zoo?

ZELDA:
Is that my monkey?

Friends don't let friends
talk baby talk.

KRAFT:
There she is.

- Ready for your breakfast gordita?
- Ooh.

Ooh. It looks muy bueno.

I'll tell you what muys my bueno

is when you wear
your hair up like that.

[ZELDA GIGGLES, BOTH MOAN]

I will live through this.

It's not working.

Oh, Sabrina, I almost forgot,

I can't drive you
to school this morning,

but, luckily, Willard said
he'd be delighted to take you.

Super.

And Sabrina didn't
get brain freeze

because she allows the slush
to sit in her mouth

and reach body temperature
before exposing it to her soft palette.

You spend entirely too much time
at frozenslushy.com.

So, what surprise
are you gonna get her?

The biggest surprise
might be no surprise.

So, what you're saying
is you need my help?

[STUDENTS YELLING]

[OBJECT CLANGS]

Wha--?

I warned you to roll up your windows
when we hit school property.

But you didn't say it was because
students pelt you with garbage.

I thought that was implied.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

these hallways are crying out
for the iron fist of order.

Ugh. I have milk in my ear.

"Nebraska Steaks proudly offers

a belt-busting roundup
of flanks and franks

sure to satisfy even
your most obese relatives."

- Ungawa.
- Salem.

[SALEM GASPS]

Did we see you playing with a dog?

Uh-- Absolutely not. Hate them.

Aha. There's a trail of slobber
on your back.

It's hair product?

All right.

He answers to "Silky,"
his owner's a butcher,

and I'm letting him
bat me around to get meat.

It's time you look into a little
thing we call "dignity."

And get rid of that steak catalogue.
We know you don't read the articles.

[GIGGLES]
Stop.

[GIGGLING]

No. No, Willard.

I'm sure Hilda
and Sabrina won't mind.

Bye, monkey.

[GIGGLING]

Won't mind what?

Willard's grandmother is doing
a massive renovation on her house,

so Willard needs a place to stay.

I told him he could use
the apartment over the garage.

But we don't have an apartment
over our garage.

[BANGING]

We do now.

By the way, I mind a lot.

I've never minded
anything so much in my life.

- Don't you mind?
- Nope.

I centre on my chi,
and I am free from care.

Well, I'm not.

I'll go mad, I tell you.

Mad!

- Hey.
- Hey. Any ideas?

Think Sabrina would
like some car mats?

That's not the greatest gift idea
when you don't have a car.

You know what, it's not the greatest
gift idea when you do have a car.

Hey. How about
a photo portrait of the two of you?

But I already bought the car mats.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh, good. Valerie's helping
you pick out my gift.

KRAFT [OVER P.A.]: Attention,
students. This is your vice principal.

A recruiter from Burger World
University will be meeting today

with any interested
fifth-year seniors,

and, on a personal note
to Sabrina Spellman,

your aunt wants us to bring home
bread and toilet paper.

Sabrina, is Mr. Kraft living
in your house?

No. He's living over the garage,

which is further from the house
than most restraining orders.

I'll probably never see him.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Salem, I have a few questions

about carbon monoxide,
garage apartments,

and making something
look like an accident.

- Woof.
- Beg your pardon?

I said, "What a pity. Now, roll over."

Oh. Berlitz's How To Speak Dog?

I'm improving myself.

MAN [OVER PLAYER]:
Which way to the biblioteca? Aar-ruf!

Shame on you.
Silky thinks he's your friend

and you're using him
for your own pleasure.

I thought that was the point of dogs.

Besides, I am helping him.

He'll never manage his owner
until he learns how to beg.

If the result is beefsteak
for the cat, so be it.

Maybe you can train him to chase
Mr. Kraft out of the neighbourhood.

Aar-ruf!

Stop asking me where the library is.
I'm in crisis here.

I can't take it anymore.

Our house has become
the Smithsonian of his toenail clippings.

Isn't he driving you crazy?

I have made a personal choice
not to be affected by Willard Kraft.

He used your toothbrush.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Deep, cleansing breath.

BOTH [SINGING]:
Love lift us up where we belong

Where the eagles fly

On a mountain high

Zelda, you complete me.

ZELDA:
Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna get my copy of Love Letters
and we can read them to each other.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh! Mmm.

That is one special lady.

You know, you might
wanna start thinking

about calling me "Uncle Willard."

Well, they're always looking
for nuns, right?

Just breathe and let it go, Sabrina.

You can call me
"Uncle Willard" too, Hilda.

[DOOR CLOSES]

He must be destroyed!

Ruf! Ruf! Ruf-ruf-ruf-ruf. Ruf!

[BARKING]

Ruf! Ruf-ruf-ruf-ru--

sh**t. What's the word for "floor"?

Oh, yeah. Uh--

Woof!

So we'd just be getting Mr. Kraft
out of here for Aunt Zelda's own good.

Absolutely. Someday she'll thank us.

- Should we poison him?
- Don't you think that's a little harsh?

Love lifts them up where they belong?

I knew he was bothering you.

We've gotta find some dirt on Kraft
that will make Zelda break up with him.

Oh! Perfect: "Real Life Story."

We need some dirt
And we need it fast

So give us the scoop
On Willard Kraft

Welcome to Real Life
Story's "Mediocrity Week."

Tonight we explore the strange
journey of Willard Kraft.

Elementary school
classmates describe him

as "a loner," "an outsider"
and "doodie breath."

Let's fast-forward through puberty.
My hunch is it's ugly.

Well, I know he had a messy divorce.

Ooh. Hit "play."

HOST:
Her name was Lucy,

the only woman who could give Willard
the courage to dream again.

Love transformed
the normally vexatious loner

into a frolicking free spirit.

Whimsy was his copilot.

Indeed, Willard Kraft was
in love with love.

They were married
in a small, private ceremony

presided over
by her massage therapist.

They were so in love.

[SIGHS]

I can't just sit here
and let Zelda get hurt

by a man who still loves
two other women.

Two? Oh, right.

We've gotta bring her back.

It's gonna be so hard on Aunt Zelda.
I don't think I can do that to her.

KRAFT: Has anyone seen
my antifungal foot ointment?

Mr. Kraft
With a past so juicy

Return to us
His ex-wife Lucy

Ah. It's good to be back
in the mortal realm.

"Mortal realm"?

Wait a minute.

You're a witch?

Mr. Kraft married a witch?

Well, of course,
he didn't know I was a witch.

I thought it would be
less confusing that way.

Oh. I have my magic again.

Oh, I adore the mortal realm.

It's such a refreshing change
from where I live:

The Republic of Infinite Horror.

Sounds exotic.

It's near Lake Male Superior.

It's an awful part
of the Other Realm

where women are forbidden
to use magic.

Who came up with that brainstorm?

LUCY AND HILDA:
The men.

Then why don't you move
to the mortal realm?

My republic forbids a woman
to emigrate without a husband,

and that's why I married Willard.

And because you loved him.

Okay.

And I would do anything
to get him back.

Oh, dear,
here come the waterworks.

[SNIFFS]

So why did you two split up?

Why does any relationship go bad?

Maybe I shouldn't have turned
him into a beast of burden,

or made out
with his best friend Dexter.

The bottom line is
Willard divorced me,

and without him,
I was deported back to the I.H.

- Infinite Horror.
- Right.

Well, if it helps at all,
I think he's right downstairs.

Really?

I haven't seen him since the day

I left the fence unlatched
and he got out.

She seems nice.

[CLATTERING]

Oh. Hoo-hoo. Boy, I shouldn't wait a
week to irrigate my ears.

Mr. Kraft,
we have a surprise for you.

Willard, darling.

No. No. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

This is a bad dream.

[KRAFT SCREAMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm so glad he's still alive.

Hey, Valerie, I made an appointment
at a portrait studio

and I have the perfect way to get
Sabrina there and keep it a surprise.

I'll tell her w*r has broken out

and I have to take her
to a secret b*mb shelter.

Or you could just blindfold her
and tell her it's a surprise.

Okay.

So much for the sound-effect tapes
I've been making.

- Hello.
ZELDA: Oh, there you are, stranger.

I was beginning to worry about you.

Well, actually, I just came by
to borrow some coriander.

I'm making dinner for Lucy.

- Lucy's a nice lady.
ZELDA: Lucy?

As in your ex-wife Lucy?

Yes, apparently,
she left a hole in my life, and I...

You look nice, Zelda.

LUCY: Willie-poo.
- Coming.

Say goodbye to Uncle Willard.

I go to the trouble
of brewing you a cup

of my special herb tea
and you disappear.

Is it just me or are men getting
less obedient than they used to be?

You must be Lucy.

I'm Zelda.

It's so nice to meet you.

I really miss you.

- Drink your tea, dear.
- Oh. Hmm.

Oh. Lucy has pretty eyes,

and thanks to her,
no more runaway mucus.

No more tissues in the sofa cushion.
I can't wait.

Well, if you'll excuse us,

I think a certain Willie-poo
has a dinner to make.

Right, a dinner.

They seem civil
after all these years.

I think I'll take a little walk.

- It's working.
- Yay!

- And Aunt Zelda's okay, right?
- Absolutely.

This breakup was bound to happen
sooner or later,

and let's face it, the sooner
the breakup, the less pain for us.

Ruf! Ruf!

[BARKS]

Good, boy. Yeah, baby.

I can taste the fillets.

I'll just pretend
his frothy spit is a garnish.

[BARKS]

[SIGHS]

It's so nice that both of you
could join us for a glass of wine.

Well, I knew there was no way I'd get
this one out of the house without me,

so I finally said, "Willie-poo,
enough with the foot rubs."

[ZELDA CHUCKLES]

You know, he calls me "zoo-zoo."

- I do?
- Yes, and I call you "monkey."

Like some godless hairy primate?

No, like a cute little monkey
with big eyes.

And, now, he answers to "poo."

There's a trade up.

I'll get more wine.

You two seem
to be getting along well.

I like Lucy.

She's a nice lady.

- Oh, stop.
- I'm sorry.

Was that--? Was that bad?

No, dear, it's a figure of speech.

Fig--? You're not gonna
hit me, then?

[CHUCKLES]

ZELDA:
Well...

- Ooh. I like your hair up like that.
LUCY: Willard!

You look dehydrated.

Didn't you wanna
tell Zelda something?

Yes. Ahem.

Zelda, I'm moving out of the garage.

Lucy has room for me at her place.

So thanks.

I see.

Well, let me tell you something.

I-- I got you cable in that garage.

What am I doing? I'm grovelling.

I'm debasing myself for a man.

[VOICE BREAKS]
I sound like Hilda.

Well, we should go.

Your best friend Dexter's
coming over, isn't he?

- Shall I carry you, dear?
- No, not this time.

We'll see ourselves out.

I do not debase myself for a man.

I'm worried about Aunt Zelda.

Oh, yeah, her.

Boy, it's a good thing you found out
about it now, eh, Zellie?

I don't blame Willard.

- He seems happy.
- You don't mind?

Oh. When you truly care
about someone, you--

You want what's best for them.

[VOICE BREAKS]
But I'm gonna miss him.

Told you it was for the best.

I really don't know
why I care about that man,

just he makes me so happy.

Aunt Zelda,
you don't know the whole story.

Lucy's from the Other Realm.
I brought her back.

You what?

Aunt Hilda and I brought her back.

We had to.
He did yoga in a unitard.

Wait a minute. Lucy's a witch?

Yeah, and she's using magic
to get him back.

He doesn't like her,
it's the tea talking.

How dare you two try
to break up Willard and me.

Don't dwell on the past.

You can compete with Lucy.

Start brewing potions pronto.

Try the All's-Fair-
in-Love-and-w*r spell.

Quick. I think she's
ordering him an ear tag.

Maybe one little potion.

I've got to get that modem fixed.

Oh, look, your hair's down again.

I guess everything eventually
loses the battle with gravity.

JUDGE:
Silence!

Do you know why the council
pulled you in here, ladies?

Because you're lonely?

"Two witches battling
over a mortal..."

A vice principal?

He's a heartbeat away from
running the entire high school.

And he loves me.

- Your Honour, I'm not involved with--
- Silence!

Well, you know the law.

The Witches' Council
has clearly stated

that cases such as these

must be settled
in an appropriate forum,

one that is fair and full of wisdom.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

The Jerry Springer Show?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Zelda thought she had
a good thing going with Willard

until his ex-wife Lucy came to town
with a simple warning:

"Get your hands off my mortal."

CROWD:
Ooh!

Why are they so excited?

Because he's my man.

You were just keeping him warm
till I got back.

CROWD:
Ooh!

Obviously, you're very upset.
Tell us how it all started.

Well, you have to understand,
Mr. Kraft is not just Zelda's boyfriend.

He's also my vice principal.

CROWD: Ooh!
- And my ex-boyfriend.

[CROWD WHOOPING]

It was really hard living with him,
so we decided to bring back his ex-wife.

[CROWD BOOING]

- But we didn't know she was a witch.
- Oh, everyone can just--

[DIALOGUE BLEEPED OUT]

CROWD:
Oh!

- She's not swearing.
- I know,

but this way, it sounds like she did.

I think it's time now
that we bring out the mortal

and maybe he can decide
which witch.

Please welcome Willard Kraft!

[CROWD BOOING]

Lucy?

And Zelda?

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Where am I?

You're with me, dear.
Come and sit down.

Don't do it, Willard.
I really care about you.

She's just using you.

Honey, all the magic in your bag
couldn't get you a man.

[CROWD CHEERING]

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

I didn't expect the show would take
this direction, so we'll be right back.

Silky, boy!

Stupid dog,
he should be back by now.

If he ran across a tennis ball,
I'm doomed.

We are back,
and it's time for Willard to choose.

Will it be Lucy or Zelda?

Tell you what, before we
let him choose, we have a surprise.

You see, we did
a potion check on Willard.

CROWD: Ooh!
- Okay, now,

this is what
a normal man looks like.

As you can see, very few potions,

because we, as witches,
have to remember

that we cannot use magic
irresponsibly.

You know, there are those that--

I'm sorry, that's my "final thought."
That comes later.

Let's check in on Willard.

Wow.
That is worse than Elvis' autopsy.

I did it for his own good.

He was weak. And if it got me
out of the Infinite Horror,

well, that was a sacrifice
I was willing to make.

You've got to drain him, Jerry.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JERRY: Okay, now, Willard,
you are back to normal.

So are you ready to make
a decision?

Jerry, this woman
is still trying to k*ll me

CROWD:
Ooh!

and this lady laughs
at my little jokes

[LAUGHS]

- and has the sweetest smile.
- Oh.

So I guess I'm what
you'd have to call a "no-brainer."

It's Lucy.

[CROWD GASPS]

- I'm only kidding you. It's Zelda.
- No.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

You change your mind,
you spineless slug,

because I ain't going
back to hell-town.

CROWD: Ooh!
- Oh, yes, you are.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[CHATTERING,
CHANTING CONTINUES]

Everyone laughs at that show,

but when you're on it,
something just takes over.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

You claimed you and Sabrina
were helping Zelda

when, in fact, you were
just helping you and Sabrina.

You did the same thing with Silky.

You weren't training him
to help Silky.

It was all for Salem.

I guess we were both being selfish.

Of course, in my case, it worked out.

Venison?

[GIGGLES]

Oh, what a day.

I just saw Willard home
and gave him a potion

to keep him from remembering
any of this.

Not another potion.

Oh, it'll flush out with his Metamucil.

And as soon as the swelling
goes down in my jaw,

I wanna talk to you and Sabrina.

- Where is she?
- Valerie whisked her away.

It seemed very important
and rather formal.

This had better be good.
It hasn't exactly been the best day.

Relax. Just have a seat right here.

Can I take my blindfold off now?

- Something you should know--
- Shh. Okay.

Let's get this show on the road.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

I want you to know
that just because I'm seeing your aunt,

don't expect any
special treatment around here.

- I don't, Mr. Kraft.
- Yeah, no favours, no politics,

and no calling me "Willard."

It'll be hard, but okay.

In fact, I'm gonna have to give you
detention this Friday.

What? Why?

Because Zelda told me you'd been
watching Jerry Springer

instead of doing your homework

and that just ain't kosher, milady.

- Well, she watches too.
- Hey! Don't take that tone with me.

I am still vice principal of this school,
and I demand respect.

[STUDENTS YELLING]