01x04 - Terrible Things

[bunniefuu]

LIBBY:
That cover model, she's so...

I wish I could look like that.
I wish...

[GIRLS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Much better.

Hey. Heh.

Love the look. Ha, ha.

I'm ready to clean my closet.

ZELDA:
Where are you?

SALEM: You didn't see me.
I was never here.

Sabrina, have you seen Salem?

- Um, no.
SALEM: You are the worst liar.

ZELDA: Come on.
SALEM: No. I won't go.

I won't go. I won't go.

Oh, is it time for Salem
to be wormed again?

SALEM: No, worse.
I have to do community service.

It's part of his punishment
for attempting global conquest.

As if being a cat for a hundred years
wasn't enough,

Zelda had to put me
in a pets for prisoners programme.

I gave you a choice.
You could have done highway cleanup.

SALEM:
Yeah, cats do real well on highways.

Stop complaining and get your wormy
little butt downstairs in two minutes.

It's time to pay your debt to society.

SALEM:
Can't I just write a cheque?

I don't know what your problem is.
It's nice to help people.

And what nice things
have you done lately?

Me? I do nice things all the time.

Really?
Since you got your magical powers,

all I've seen you do
is change your clothes

and make Brussels sprouts
disappear.

That's not true, and I'll prove it.

I'll use my magic to do three nice
things before the end of school today.

- Easy.
- Not so easy.

Before you sh**t your finger off,

you'd better consider
the consequences,

or terrible things could happen.

Hi. My name's Jenny, I'm running
for sophomore class president,

and I'm with the Outsider Party.

Hi. My name is Libby, and I'm also
running for class president,

but I'm with the Popular Party.

A vote for me is a vote for smaller
classes and more funding for the arts.

A vote for me
is a vote for more piZZa at lunch.

I'm voting for her.

She's pretty much k*lling you
with that piZZa platform.

I don't get it. Why doesn't anybody
wanna support the Outsider Party?

Maybe because you named it
after their biggest fear?

Libby thinks being class president
is about lunch food and dances.

Call me idealistic, but I really wanna
make this school a better place.

Hey, you got my vote.

Which gives me a grand total of two.

Poor Jenny. There's nothing like losing
to say you're a loser.

I wish I could win.
I really wanted to make a difference.

That's one nice thing.

Hey, Harvey.

- Whoa, what's that smell?
- Protein shake.

Coach says I need to bulk up
if I ever wanna start at running back.

Well, you look fatter.

Heh. That's sweet of you.

But you see that guy over there?

That's Randy the Destroyer.

Unless I put on pounds
or he gets injured, I stay on the bench.

Man, I wanna play.

- You wanna go in?
- Yeah, I'll be there in a sec.

Hey, watch it.

Ow! My hand.

That's two.

Sorry I'm late,
but my car broke down.

I made the mistake of trying
to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.

Why don't you just get
a better car, Mr. Pool?

Like a Ferrari? Sure.

You know what? I'm gonna run
right out after class and buy one.

And I'll pay for it with frustration.
Now, can we move on to science?

All right, today we're gonna
talk about the elements

and why one can't turn lead into gold
no matter how hard one tries.

--and radon, which is the heaviest
of the noble gases. Don't laugh.

[BELL RINGS]

All right, uh, read Chapter tonight.
And take showers.

Especially you.

Mr. Pool, are you okay? You know,
you seem especially bitter today.

Me? I'm fine.

What a mess.

- It's just a bunch of papers.
- No, my life.

I've been a teacher seven years,
and I still can't afford a new briefcase.

I found this one.

I was wondering who T.G.K. was.

Just to pay my bills,
I have to work cafeteria duty,

I have to supervise the Science Club,

and on weekends,
I wash Principal Larue's car.

Well, maybe you should consider
doing something else.

Like what?
I love teaching science.

It's the only good thing in my life.

Well, you have a lot of coupons.

Thanks.

Oh, this one for cents
off Fruitkooks has expired.

No. Ugh!

Ah, who are they fooling anyway?

You can no more sweeten
a cookie with fruit

than you can turn lead into gold.

Or can you?

Wait a minute.
Why didn't I think of this before?

Lead is Pb, mercury with--

Thanks for, uh, helping me pick up
my stuff, Sabrina. Heh.

Now, get out. I'm on to something.

Yes. Yes.
This would turn lead into gold.

That's alchemy,
and it defies the laws of physics.

Oh, who cares? I'm gonna be rich.

Whoo!

That's three nice things.

[VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY]

That was very good, Jeffrey,

but your E string needs tuning.
I'll be right back.

This one's for MoZart.

Hey, guys.

- Oh, I see Jeffrey's here.
- Yep.

MoZart started spinning in his grave
about ten minutes ago.

Oh, please,
let the poor man rest in peace.

I don't get it. Why don't you use your
magic to make Jeffrey play better?

I mean, wouldn't that be a nice thing
for him and for us?

Yes, but I would never do that.

That's right. You must be careful
about meddling in mortals' lives.

We witches have rules.

Who cares about the rules?

I just want Jeffrey
to keep paying for lessons.

- Well, I'd better get back.
- Must you?

[HILDA PLUCKS STRING]

Perfect. Like it matters.

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

Aunt Zelda, I'm still a little confused
about this meddling thing.

Why is it you can't use magic
to make someone's life better?

Well, because it's impossible to know
what would make a mortal happy.

What if you knew exactly
what would make them happy?

Well, you still can't predict
the consequences.

But wouldn't those consequences
just be good?

Well, in some cases
the consequences might be good,

but then again,
terrible things could happen.

Hey, any word on the election?

Not officially, but this came out.

How can they print
that Libby's won

when the results haven't been
announced?

It's a weekly, Sabrina.
They usually just go on a hunch.

Yeah, well, I have a hunch too.

[OVER PA] Attention, students,
this is Principal Larue,

and I have in my hands the results of
a grand experiment called democracy.

- Just say it.
- The president of the freshman class,

the winner is Andy Gallop.

The president of the sophomore class,
the winner is...

- Libby Chessler.
- ... Jennifer Kelley.

The president of the junior class,
the winner is...

- Can you believe I won?
- Yes, I can.

Hey, Jenny, how about a picture
for the yearbook?

[CAMERA CLICKING]

Hey, congratulations, Jenny.
I'm really glad you won.

It's because people like you
voted for me and not piZZa.

Uh, right. Hey, I'm having
a really great day too.

Coach just told me I'm starting
at running back tomorrow.

- Wow.
- That's what you wanted, right?

Absolutely. You guys gonna
come watch me play?

- Sure. Cool.
- Cool.

Cool. And don't be late
because, you know, I'm starting.

Libby, I just wanted to say

that I think you handled
your defeat very gracefully.

Oh, bite me.

POOL: Sorry I'm late,
but I was, uh, out buying a new car.

A Ferrari, since you asked.

Yes, thanks to the miracle
of science and an educated brain,

I now have one wicked set
of wheels.

Okay, whoever can explain
the Krebs cycle gets a lump of gold.

Isn't learning fun?

Salem, you're back.

- How was jail?
- Not bad.

There's a guy
in solitary convinced

Alan DershowitZ appeared
to him as a talking cat.

I told him I'd call the governor
and plead his innocence.

See, I told you it was nice
to help people.

Are you kidding? I'm not calling.

Calling who? About what?

- Are we getting piZZa?
- No.

I was just gonna tell Salem all about
the nice things I did today.

SALEM:
Yeah, but I'm not interested.

I'm interested. Tell me.

Oh, but wait.

[HILDA CHUCKLES]

Okay, start.

See, I wanted to use my magic more
to help my friends,

so I made a few adjustments
in their lives--

Hold on. Didn't Zelda tell you
there are rules against meddling

and terrible things could happen?

Not again. Look, everyone's happy,
everything's working out great, okay?

There's nothing terrible about it.

This is terrible piZZa.

[CROWD CHEERING]

And a fair catch is called
by the Fighting Scallions.

Wow, great view.

This is cool, hanging out
in the president's section,

watching Harvey start.

Oh, look, there's Mr. Pool.

Wow, who's the blond?

I think she came with the Ferrari.

Oh, no, wait.
She's with the guy next to him.

The Fighting Scallions
break from the huddle,

and Harvey Kinkle
is the lone, set back.

There's Harvey. Wow,
that's so great that he's out there.

Yeah. Thanks.

Oh, are you sure that's Harvey?
He looks kind of small.

MAN:
It's first and ten from the ,

and the Scallions
keep it on the ground.

- Kroeger hands off to Kinkle.
- Harvey's got the ball.

And he is pummelled.
Oh, the humanity.

That guy had no business
being out there.

Oh, this is a terrible thing.

[SIREN WAILING]

[HARVEY GROANS]

Oh, you poor thing.
It even hurts to chew.

No, it's just hot.

I feel so bad about Harvey.
I can't believe he sprained his arm.

I can't believe that's all he sprained.

Can we change the subject?
Let's talk about you being president.

All right. I have my big meeting
with Principal Larue this afternoon.

Hey, Jenny, tell Larue to do something
about this meat loaf, huh?

Meat loaf? Hey, man,
what about intellectual freedom?

I'd better go.
I'll see you later at the Slicery.

- Yeah, we'll get piZZa.
- Great. This meat loaf really gags.

Hey, Mr. Pool. Smells good.

Linguini with white truffles.

No more artery-clogging
sloppy joes for me.

Now that I'm rich,
I have a reason to live.

- So are you happy?
- Oh, I'll say.

Wealth gives me the freedom to teach
science without anger and resentment.

I can now teach
for the pure joy of teaching.

Ah, ah, ah.
Leave the whole block.

[POOL MOANS]

Hey, Harvey. Hi, Libby.

So did you make it to the game
on Saturday?

Yeah, I saw you start and finish.

My dad's got it all on video.

He keeps playing it over and over,
saying that I can learn from it.

Well, you know, let me know
if there's anything I can do to help.

I'm a cheerleader.
Let me handle this.

Sure.

I just wanted to let you know
that I'm sorry.

You know, not like a responsible sorry,
more like sympathetic sorry

in a blameless,
third party sort of way.

Feel better.

The principal will see you now.

Please, sit down.

The reason I called this meeting was
to present my five-point programme,

my contract with Westbridge,
if I may.

Proceed.

Well, the first point
focuses on class siZe--

You have no authority there.

- I don't?
- No. Next point.

Well, I'm also concerned
about arts funding--

You have no authority there.

- Textbooks?
- No.

- Curriculum?
- No.

- Parking?
- Ha. I don't even have authority there.

These topics that you raise
are not to be addressed in this room.

They are decided by powerful men

in smoke-filled boardrooms
hundreds of miles from here.

It is not your place
to question their choices.

They know you, Jennifer.

Better than you know yourself.

Let's leave the business of school to
the people whose business is school.

Student class elections have
always been a popularity contest.

Let's keep it that way.

Hey, how'd it go?

I'm on my second pitcher
of root beer.

Why, what's wrong?

- I wish I'd never become president.
- You said that's what you wanted.

I was so young, so naive.
I thought I could make a difference.

- But you can.
- No.

You keep your illusions,
but it's too late for me.

I've seen how the meat loaf is made.

Oh, Jenny, I'm sorry.

It's a terrible thing.

- Hey.
- We need to talk.

Not now, I've had a really lousy day.

And apparently, it's not over yet.

This came in the toaster for you.
It's from Drell.

The head of the Witches' Council?
What does he want?

We don't know. I wanted to open it,
but Zelda wouldn't let me.

DRELL:
Report to my office immediately.

And bring your aunts with you.

I don't wanna go. Drell scares me.

You guys go first
and tell me what he wants.

Hey, I don't wanna see Drell
any more than you do.

- Yeah, sure.
- Look, we used to be in love,

but I no longer have
any feelings for him.

How's my hair?

ZELDA:
Come on, let's go.

HILDA:
Ow. My foot.

I don't like this place. It reminds me
of the principal's office.

Drell will see you now.

You look so familiar.

Hello, Drell.
What a pleasant surprise.

DRELL: No, it's not.
I summoned you, and you're here.

[CHUCKLING]
Hilda, what's with your hair?

My new boyfriend likes it this way.

Oh, your new boyfriend.
What's his name?

Um--

Well, I hope
you and "Um" are very happy.

Sabrina, why don't we begin by you
explaining to us why we're here.

- I don't know.
- Stop me if something sounds familiar.

"Athletic injury, fixed election,
altered immutable laws of physics."

Oh, that.

- Sabrina?
- You didn't?

- I was just trying to help people.
- Help is a four-letter word.

Like "dumb" and "move," am I right?

Well, at first all the people I helped
were happy, but now only one is.

And he's happy enough
for all three of them, so--

Now, I should explain to you
that when I say "am I right,"

it's a rhetorical question,
because I'm always right.

Drell, please, Sabrina's a good kid.

And things are hard on her.

Her mother's in Peru,
her father's in a book.

And I'm in the land of I don't care.
You're her guardians.

You should have warned her

that if you meddle with people's lives,
terrible things could happen.

- Oh, I did. That's exactly what I said.
- So did I.

So did Salem, but nobody
made it sound like it was a big deal.

Oh, jeeZ.

Marge, get the guys
down in Ominous Warnings

to, uh, tweak up the reverb
on the word terrible.

[SLIGHT REVERB]
Terrible.

[MORE REVERB]
Terrible.

[TREMENDOUS REVERB]
Terrible.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, cool, that's nice. That's nice.

Thank you, Marge.

Now, that was Marge's mistake.

[MARGE SCREAMS]

And now, back to yours.

Now, the football injury
and the class elections

have no global consequences.

You can mess with your pimply
pubescent peers all you want.

Alchemy, however,
could collapse the world economy

and wreak havoc on my T-bills.

Now, are you gonna fix this

or should I give Salem
a little blond kitty friend?

No, I can fix it. I mean, I just
have to erase the knowledge, right?

I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.

You got a day. That's hours
to solve the problem

and one hour
to shop for a scratching post.

[DRELL LAUGHS]

You're done. Go. Get out of here.

No-- Uh--

Except you, Hilda.

Why don't you, uh, stay a moment?

That's it. I am never going
to help anyone ever again.

He's just trying to scare me, right?

Oh, look, Marge's teeth.

I've gotta go find Mr. Pool.

Let's go.

ZELDA:
What was that all about?

Oh, he asked me out.
I turned him down.

Uh, Sabrina, now you only have
hours. Sorry.

Excuse me, is Mr. Pool in there?

You mean the guy who thinks
he's too good to wash my car now?

No. I haven't seen him.

[POOL WHISTLING]

Mr. Pool, there you are.
I am so happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you too,
my little coupon picker-upper.

Come on. Walk me to class.

Hey, look what I just got.

It's a digital personal assistant.

Watch this.

I just sent myself a fax.

Mr. Pool, I know you're really happy
with your money,

but, you know,
easy come, easy go.

Oh, did I tell you?
I'm funding a grant.

It's called the Eugene Pool Award
for Burnt-Out Teachers.

The healing begins now.

That's a beautiful dream.

Oh, man, I just wish everybody
could be as happy as I am.

- Mr. Pool?
- Hm?

- Just enjoy the next minutes.
- Of course. It's time for science.

Aerobic respiration is correct.
Well done, Timmy.

Here you go.

[STUDENTS CHEER]

And remember, everyone,

you should learn for the sake
of learning and not just for gold.

Well, that's my last lump for now.
I'll just make some more up tonight.

Heh. Pool, you've got it wired up here.

No. No.

It's gone. I've lost it.

I never wrote it down.

Oh, this is a terrible thing.

[POOL WHIMPERS]

Hi, Sabrina.

- You look bummed.
- Yeah, like everyone else.

I'm not bummed. I made my peace
with the universal meat-loaf.

- Really?
- Yeah. Watch.

Could I have your attention?

I just wanted to say
that I ran for president

because I thought the job was about
more than dances and lunch food.

I was wrong.

So I think you'll be better off
with Libby.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm in control?

Yes. Heh.

And I am one step closer
to the White House.

Nice speech. So you're happy?

Very. I'd much rather
be jaded than naive.

Who wouldn't?

Hey, Sabrina.

You know how you were feeling sorry
for me yesterday?

You mean in that blameless,
third party sort of way?

You should know
that since I've been injured,

I've been having a lot of fun.

I'm reading more. I'm writing more.

I even think my grades
are going to improve.

So this sitting around thing
is really working for you.

Yeah, I'm super happy
not playing football.

Just don't tell my dad.

A equals A.

Of course A equals A. It's obvious.

It doesn't need to be stated.

- Mr. Pool?
- What?

Oh, it's you.

- Do you have a minute?
- Yes, a lifetime of them.

And now they're going by
very slowly.

You know, I was just thinking

that Jenny's happier
not being class president

and Harvey's happier
not starting on the football team,

and, well, it made me think that maybe
you'll be happier not being rich.

Hm. Happier not being rich?

Are you nuts?

Being rich is everything
I ever dreamed of, and now it's gone.

It's all gone.

Not again.

Sabrina, could you help me?

I'm sorry, Mr. Pool.
I'm not supposed to help anyone.

But I guess one last time won't hurt.

Oh, why couldn't somebody
just destroy me?

It can't be that bad.

And I have a feeling
things will get better real soon.

And who knows,
maybe you'll find a new briefcase.

Yeah, right.

[WHISTLING]

- Steve. Uh, sir.
- What is it, Pool?

Uh, I was wondering if, uh-- If I came
by on Saturday, maybe I could...

...wash your car.

So Mr. Rockefeller wants
to wash my car.

Only problem is I found a -year-old
who'll do it for bucks cheaper.

I can beat that. I'm having
a back-in-the-same-old-rut special.

Well, I guess I'll see you Saturday.

Oh, great.

And, uh, by the way,
that's a beautiful briefcase.