03x28 - Ward's Baseball

[bunniefuu]

Starring...

and...

- Hi, dear.
- Hi.

Hey, you smell nice.

Oh, it's not me. It's the sink.

- The sink?
- Uh-huh.

I spilled a bottle of
vanilla extract in it.

There go my dreams of romance.

What's that?

Hey, wait till you see this.

Well, it's just an old baseball.

Dear, that is not
just an old baseball.

This thing is priceless.

I've had it since I was 17.

I found it in one of the
old trunks the other day.

Took it uptown, had this
pedestal made for it. See?

Look. Look who signed it.

Babe Ruth. Lou Gehrig.

Lefty Grove.

Kiki Cuyler.

- Augie Galan.
- That's nice, dear.

June, these men are some of
the all-time greats of baseball.

Kiki Cuyler... Sounds
like a fan dancer.

A fan dancer?

He was just one of
the great infield hitters

in the history of
baseball, that's all.

He used to stand
right up to that plate,

crowded it all the time.

He'd really worry that
pitcher, you know?

He'd take a little,
short grip on his bat,

and he'd line that ball out
between second and third,

just like it was a pool shot.

I saw him one day in
a game with St. Louis.

He went 4 for 4, and
before the game...

Hey, Beaver.

What's this black junk
all over my toothbrush?

I used it to clean my shoes.

Why didn't you use
your own toothbrush?

I'm saving it for
cleaning my teeth.

Just keep away from
my stuff, will you?

Yesterday, you got
my soap all dirty.

Okay, Wally.

But you're getting awful fussy

since you started to
know a couple of girls.

Hi, fellas.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.

Gee, Dad, a baseball.

My Uncle Frank got that for me.

I've had it ever since I was 17.

Doesn't look like you got
too many hits with it, Dad.

It's an autographed
ball, isn't it, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, that's right, Wally.

See, my Uncle Frank
was a ballplayer,

and we went to the
game together one day,

and afterwards, he took
me down to the locker room,

and had all of his pals
autograph it for me.

I guess that was about
the biggest day of my life

when I was a kid.

Kiki Cuyler, Augie
Galan, Bill Dickey.

Gee, I never heard of
any of these big shots.

Grover Cleveland Alexander?

Gee, Dad, I didn't know

that presidents played baseball.

No, no, Beaver.

He was just named
after the president.

He was a very great pitcher.

You know, it's funny.

You boys hardly know
these players' names.

When I was a boy, I thought
they'd never be forgotten.

Yeah, but now they got a
whole bunch of new guys

that'll never be forgotten.

Yeah. Guess that's
the way it goes, Wally.

Gee, Dad, what are
you going to do with it?

I thought I'd keep it in the
den as kind of a memento.

Maybe someday you fellas will
want to pass it on to your children.

Like Uncle Billy's elephant tusk

that we're not allowed to have

until we get old
enough to appreciate it?

Yes. Yeah, something
like that, Beaver.

You know, Wally, that's neat,

Dad saving a baseball
sort of like he was a kid.

Well, even when you grow
up, you still got some kid in you.

Yeah. I guess that's
why, once in a while,

you even hear grownups laughing.

Did you show the
boys your baseball?

Uh-huh. I don't think they
were too impressed, though,

In my day,

kids used to worship
great stars like these.

We looked up to them,
and tried to be like them.

Dear, you make them sound

like some sort of ancient gods.

In a way, they were.

You never caught
any of these old timers

coming down to earth
to shave on television

or be psychoanalyzed
in weekly magazines.

You know, I can't decide if we
should get redwood or wrought iron.

Huh?

Tomorrow's Saturday.

I thought we could go and
look at that porch furniture

I was telling you about.

Oh. All right.

Well, I guess this
will just have to be

another old memory to
sit around and gather dust

along with Uncle
Billy's elephant tusk.

Boy, that's neat.

They're all famous
old-fashioned guys.

My father met them in
the locker room personal.

My father's got a g*n at
home over the fireplace

that was used in the Civil w*r.

That's pretty good, too.

My mother doesn't think so.

She's always telling my father

to get that dirty thing
out of her living room.

My mom can't tell my
dad what to do in here

because it's his den.

Yeah.

Hey, Beav, go get
your glove. I got mine.

You and I can play
catch with the ball.

Nah, Larry.

It's not a ball for
playing catch with.

It's a ball for looking at.

Yeah, but it'd be
real neat to use a ball

that famous guys used.

Yeah, but my father
would get real mad at us.

But nobody's home, are they?

No. My mom and dad went
out to look at porch furniture.

That always takes a
couple of hours, Beav,

like when they stop in
on somebody for a minute.

Gee, I don't think so, Larry.

What's the matter?

Don't you like to do stuff
that you're not supposed to?

Well, sometimes,

but I don't think this
is one of the times.

Anyway, my brother Wally's home.

You're afraid he's going
to squeal on you, huh?

Well, he just might.

He's mad at me for
getting his toothbrush dirty.

Did you clean
your teeth with it?

No, my shoes.

Boy, that Wally's a fussy guy.

Come on, Larry.

Let's do something else.

Hi, Wally.

Hey, what are you
two guys up to?

We're not up to
anything, are we, Beav?

Huh-uh. There's nothing
around here to be up to.

Well, you better
not be, that's all.

Who do you think you are, Wally?

The big boss or something?

That's telling him, Beaver.

What are you being,
Larry, a wise guy?

Oh, no.

Oh, I was just talking
to my friend Beaver.

You guys better not get
in any trouble when I'm out.

Where you going, Wally?

Over to Eddie's, that's where.

Every once in a while,
Wally acts kind of mean.

He couldn't be as
mean as my brother.

Before he got married, he was
always hitting me on the arm.

Every time he used to see me,

he hit me on the arm.

Right on the arm.

Boy, was I glad
when he got married.

Okay, Beav, where's
your baseball glove?

But, Larry...

There's really nobody home now.

Let's get the ball.

No.

We'll only throw it four
times, and you can keep count.

No, Larry.

Come on.

I'm not going to.

Why aren't you going to?

'Cause I said I'm not going to.

You didn't really mean
you're not going to.

Sure, I did.

No, you didn't.

2.

3.

4.

Okay, Larry, let's put it away.

We threw it four
times and didn't hurt it.

Let's throw it
another four times.

Okay.

But this is the last four times.

1.

Hey, look, Beav.

I'm Don Drysdale.

Why'd you go and do that for?

You should've caught it.

You're a crummy thrower.

You're a crummy catcher.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It sure is smashed.

What am I going to do now?

Here's your ball, Beaver.

Gee, Larry, it's all wrecked.

I told you you
should've caught it.

What am I going
to tell my father?

How would I know?
He's your father.

You know, that was
a pretty sneaky trick.

Luring me out on a pretext
of looking for porch furniture

and ending up dragging
me through a supermarket.

Honey, it doesn't hurt any man

to see what prices
are now and then.

That was a real revelation.

The last time I bought
coffee, it was 35 cents a pound.

Oh? Is that what you and
Grover Cleveland Alexander

paid for it?

All right. What's this?

Frozen waffles.

You just heat them
and serve them.

Wonder whatever happened

to all the sweet gray-haired
old ladies in aprons

who used to work
all day in the kitchen.

They're posing for the labels

on all the frozen food packages.

- Honey.
- Yeah?

I think Larry's still
here with Beaver.

Would you see if
they want lunch?

Yeah, sure.

Larry, Beaver.

We're in here, Dad.

Boys, why do you
have the doors locked?

'Cause we're playing,

and that big dumb Wally keeps
coming in and bothering us.

Well, what do you
want for lunch?

We're not hungry, Dad.

I'd like some hot
dogs, Mr. Cleaver.

Okay, Larry.

I'll see you later, Eddie.

Hi, Dad.

Wally, don't you think you're
a little old for that sort of thing?

A little old for what, Dad?

Bothering your little brother
when he has company.

But, gee, Dad...

Try and grow up a little, son.

Go get washed. We're
about to have lunch.

How's it look, Larry?

It looks real neat.

Boy, Larry, it sure is lucky

you had that
25-cent ball at home.

Sure, Beav. I'm your pal.

I wouldn't leave you in a spot.

You think we wrote
enough names on it?

Sure, we did.

Hey, wait a minute.

We forgot to dot this "I."

There you are, Beav.

Your pop'll never
know the difference.

Yeah, sure.

But I sure wish we didn't have to pull
sneaky stuff like this on our parents.

Gee, Beaver, if we didn't,

they'd be k*lling
us all the time.

Yeah.

Did you find out what
the boys wanted for lunch?

Yeah. Beaver's not hungry,
and Larry wants hot dogs.

I better cook Beaver some.

When he sees Larry eating,
he's going to want some, too.

You've got this mother business

pretty well figured
out, haven't you?

What were you
hollering at Wally for?

I wasn't hollering at him, dear.

I just told him to
stop annoying Beaver

when Beaver has company.

I wish he would stop that.

I guess all big brothers do it.

When I had company,

my big brother used
to hold them down,

and he wouldn't let them
up until they gave him a dime.

That's a terrible thing to do.

I don't know.

I used to hold my little
brother's friends down

for a nickel.

I thought you
spent all your time

reading Horatio Alger
and Jack Armstrong.

Sure, but where do you think
I got the money for the books?

Where are Larry and Beaver?

They're in the den
with the door locked.

Honey, would you
hand me that pan?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Better tell them
to come out now.

I don't think that'll
be necessary.

I think the smell of hot dogs

will bring Larry
right out in the open.

Well, I'm ready. Let's go.

Let's go where?

You said you
wanted to take a walk

every night after supper.

When did I say that?

The other night after you
read that life insurance booklet.

Oh.

Well, let's start tomorrow, huh?

I'm a little too tired right
now to do anything healthful.

All right, dear.

I'll put my coat away.

Who do you suppose
that could be?

It's probably Fred Rutherford.

I don't know anyone else

who'd drop in on Saturday
without phoning first.

Don't be silly.

Fred Rutherford.

We were just talking about you.

Evening, June.

Well, leaving home, little girl?

No, we were just...

The old walrus
too grumpy for you?

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Ward.

Say, I thought if you
had those Miller audits,

it would be a good idea

if I checked them
out over the weekend.

That way, in case
the home office

gives you a jingle on Monday,

you wouldn't be in a jam.

Fred, I don't know where I'd be
without you to do my thinking for me.

Don't mention it, old man.

I think they're in the den.

Your bride has a great
sense of humor, Ward.

I can always break her up.

I must have left those papers
upstairs in my briefcase.

- Excuse me a minute.
- Sure thing.

Say, Fred, you're sort of
a baseball fan, aren't you?

I'll say.

The hickory meeting the
cowhide is music to my ears.

While I'm upstairs, you take a
look at that baseball on the shelf.

Some very interesting
autographs on it...

Some of the really
great old players.

Fine.

"Baby Ruth"?

Here we are, Fred.

Oh, what do you think
of the little memento?

You old jokester.

You know, I nearly fell for it.

Fell for what?

"Kiki Gehrig.

"Augie Dickey.

Baby Ruth"?

Well, yes, that's
very funny, isn't it?

Here you are, Fred.

Yeah. Thanks.

Well, see you
around the salt mines.

And say good-bye
to the little bride.

Yes.

Kiki Gehrig.

What's the matter, dear?

Fred say something
that upset you?

Fred always says
something that upsets me,

but that's not what's
bothering me now.

Beaver.

Beaver!

Hey, Beaver, Dad's calling you.

Yeah, I know.

What's the matter?

Beaver?

Beaver!

I thought I was getting
away with something,

but Dad never hollers like that

when you're getting
away with something.

It's perfectly obvious
how you feel, Beaver.

It doesn't mean a thing
to you that I've had this ball

since I was 17.

It doesn't mean a thing to you

that it's a very
valuable memento.

It doesn't mean
that much to you.

Well, does it?

No, sir.

"No, sir"?

How can you stand there and
say it doesn't mean anything to you?

'Cause you just
told me it doesn't.

All right, Beaver.

You can spend the entire
day tomorrow in your room.

And you can eat your
dinner up there alone.

And every day for a week,
when you come home from school,

you'll go to your room,
and you'll stay there.

You'll have no company,
you'll have no friends.

And you won't watch
television. Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

All right, go on to your room.

Dear, don't say anything.

I don't intend to.

What do you want?

Well, I just thought if
the hollering was over,

I could fill my fountain pen.

Beaver!

Hey, Beaver!

Hi, Larry.

Hey, Beav, what are
you going to do today?

I'm gonna stay in my room today.

And every day for a week.

And I'm not gonna
watch television.

I'm gonna eat my Sunday
dinner up here, too.

What are you
gonna do all that for?

Because my father found out
about the wrecked baseball.

Hey, Beaver, did
you squeal on me?

Nah.

I wonder if I would've
squealed on you.

Sure you would've.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I would've.

Hey, does that mean you can't
come out and mess around?

I don't think I'm gonna
be able to mess around

for the whole rest of my life.

Boy, what a gyp.

You know, you got a
real Scrooge for a father.

Larry.

Hello, Mr. Cleaver.

Larry, Beaver's not
allowed to have company.

Oh, I wasn't being company.

I was just hollering up to him.

I heard what you were hollering.

Would you run
along, please, Larry?

Yes, sir.

I'll be seeing you, Beaver.

Be seeing you, Larry.

Beaver, close the window.

Yes, sir.

I just had to chase Larry away.

I hope you weren't
mean to Larry.

I wasn't mean,
dear. I was just firm.

Gosh, Dad, Larry's just a kid.

I don't know if he
knows the difference.

Wally, don't you think you
should concentrate on your dinner?

Oh. Yeah, I guess that's
what I should concentrate on.

What's the matter, dear?

Nothing.

Well, there must be something.

No. I... I was just
thinking how sad it is

to have an empty
place at the table.

Beaver always said
such cute things at dinner.

Yeah.

It used to be real neat
when he was around.

Shall we try not to
dramatize the incident

any more than we have to?

Yes, dear.

Look, I know what
you're both thinking.

You're thinking that I lost
my temper about the baseball

and that I'm
punishing him unfairly.

Now, isn't that
what you're thinking?

Well gee, Dad, I
wasn't thinking at all.

I was just concentrating
on my dinner.

All right. All right. So
it was just a baseball.

It didn't mean a thing
to anyone but me.

But where does this
sort of thing stop?

How does he learn to respect
the possessions of others

if we don't punish him?

Oh, you're right, dear.

Well yeah, sure, Dad.

Dear, would you
pass Wally the meat?

Where are you going?

You two are probably right.

I think the punishment
was too hard.

And all this is not worth
having him hate me.

I'm gonna go up and tell
him to come out of his room.

Excuse me, Mom.

Hey, Dad?

Yeah, what is it, Wally?

Well, Dad, I'm not trying to
be a wise guy or anything.

But I don't think you should tell
Beaver he can come out of his room

after you told
him to stay there.

I thought you felt I
was being unfair to him.

Well, maybe you are, but I
think you ought to stick with it.

Really?

Well, what brought all this on?

Well, you remember
a couple of years ago

when I was messing
around out in the garage

and I broke the
window in your car?

Yeah.

Well, you told me

I couldn't go to the
movies for a whole month.

Then after a couple of weeks,

this real neat
picture was playing.

I kind of moped around
and whined around,

and then you finally
let me go with the guys.

Well, I thought you would
like me for easing up on you.

Yeah, well...

Well, the guys knew I wasn't
supposed to go to the movies for a month.

And, well, when we
were sitting there,

I knew that Eddie and Lumpy
were thinking that my father

was sort of a... Well,
sort of a pushover.

Oh.

Yeah. And gee,

I didn't want anybody
thinking that about you.

Well, you know, Wally, I
never thought of it this way.

I guess I would sort of
be letting Beaver down

if I went back on my word.

I think so too, Dad.

Well, you go up and see
if he's finished his dinner.

Sure. I won't tell him anything.

Isn't Beaver coming down?

Nope.

I thought you
went up to get him.

Well, I was going to.

But Wally said something
that changed my mind.

What'd he say?

Well, he didn't
exactly put it this way,

but I think what he meant was

that we can't expect
to get our children's love

unless we first
get their respect.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Wally.

Where you been?

I hung around school
and waited for Eddie.

He was in the
principal's office.

Eddie in some sort of trouble?

No. He just wanted
to talk to Mr. Haller

about the school
having a debating team.

I didn't know Eddie was
that interested in debating.

He's not. He just wanted to
get in good with Mr. Haller.

Oh.

Wally, Beaver's been
sitting up in his room

ever since he came
home from school.

Why don't you go cheer him up?
I'm sure your father wouldn't mind.

Sure, Mom.

Hi, Beav.

Hi, Wally.

You want me to hang
around and cheer you up?

Huh-uh. I'm cheering myself up.

Yeah? Doesn't look like
you're cheering yourself up.

Well, sure I am. I'm pretending
I'm in the Tower of London

and these guys are gonna
come and chop my head off.

That cheers you up?

Well, sure. 'Cause I got
a whole big thing planned.

Well, I'm gonna change
places with a bad guy

and then when they
chop off my head,

it'll be his, not mine.

That won't work.

Well, sure it'll work.

I'm gonna make it work.

'Cause I'm the guy that's
making up all this junk.

What are you doing in here?

Oh.

Just wondering what
to do with this pedestal

I had made for the baseball.

Oh, honey, it's a shame
about what happened.

Well, I guess you have
to expect that sort of thing

when you have children.

That baseball was
a real temptation.

I know what you
could do with that.

You could put your golf ball
on it the day you break 90.

Oh, dear, I think I'll
just save the pedestal

and put you up on it.

Well, that was
very sweet of you.

Was it? It wasn't meant to be.