03x17 - Wilma, the Maid

[bunniefuu]

Come on in, Barn, and get a look at gracious living.

How can you afford a maid, Fred?

Oh, I asked Mr. Slate for a raise, and invited him to dinner.

Once he tastes Lollobrickida's cooking, it will be a pushover.

She cooks that good?

[sniffing]

Mmm. Smell that, Barney.

[sniffing]

What are you doing, Barn?

Oh, you don't mind if I borrow a snootful of the delicious aromas, do you?

I need it.

You are looking at a man who is going home to cold soup, and some stale leftovers.

See you in the morning, Barney. Arrivederci.

And arrive-turkey to you, too.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern Stone Age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Let's ride with the family down the street Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet ♪

♪ When you're with the Flintstones ♪

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪

I've got the campaign going strong.

Whenever Fred's around I work like a sl*ve, cleaning and scrubbing.

Well, you think Fred will let you have a maid?

Eventually he's got to get the idea I need help.

Oh, men just don't know how hard we work. You can say that again.

A maid. Ah.

I'd give anything for one. Why don't you ask Barney?

Because I hate to see a grown man cry.

I'm gonna cry if she drops another stitch.

Last week the TV set broke down.

Fred wouldn't even call a repairman. How did you get it fixed?

I took a screwdriver and poked around myself.

But that's dangerous, all that power! Suppose you touched the wrong thing?

I did. That's how my hair got so curly.

I'm the only woman in town who got her permanent on Channel 17.

Well, if he wouldn't pay to fix the TV set, how do you think you can get Fred to give in on a maid?

I got it all figured out. I'm going to shame him into it.

Is that package another gift for Betty? Yup.

That's the third one this week. Boy, when you go, you really go, go, go.

Well, I like to give Betty the little luxuries.

Well, what is it? A mop.

Here's the toll bridge. I got it, Fred.

Okay, Filbert. Right-o.

You're gonna spoil Betty, Barney. You got to be strong like me.

Take Wilma. She's been knocking herself out trying to show me how she needs a maid.

Oh, don't do it, Fred. I can't afford it.

You know women. Wilma gets a maid, Betty wants one.

Don't worry, Barney-boy. Betty won't get a maid because I ain't getting one.

Thanks, Fred. You're a pal. Come on in with me, Barney.

Well, the last of the big spenders are home.

Time to go into my act. Ha. Good luck. See you later.

Wilma, where are you, apple dumpling? Your golden boy is home.

She doesn't seem to be here, Fred.

Hang around, Barney-boy.

I'm sure she's getting ready for her performance.

Hey, we can play a few hands of rock rummy while we wait.

[grunting]

Make like you don't see her.

Uh, your pick, Barney.

[grunting continues]

My pick now.

Oh, boy, what a hand.

[groaning]

I'll bet your hand is better than mine, Fred.

Hey, Wilma!

Did you just carry all those logs in here?

Yes, I did.

Oh, honey, I don't want you carrying loads like that. That's much too heavy for you.

Next time, make two trips.

[groaning]

[groans] I'm sorry to be still cleaning at this hour, Fred.

But there's still so much to do. That's all right, honey, you go right ahead with whatever you're doing and I'll read the newspaper.

You're not bothering me a bit.

[groans]

Oh, that feels good. Don't stop now.

[sighs] I'm so tired. So tired.

Pick up your foot.

Huh? Oh, sure, honey. Sure. Anything to be helpful.

All right, you can put your foot down.

Okay... Ow!

Oh! I'm sorry, dear.

[groaning] Ouch!

Wilma, Fred still asleep? Yup.

How did it go last night?

Miserably. He didn't even begin to notice.

I think I'd have to be at death's door before he'd let me have a maid.

[gasps] That's it. I think I just said something wonderful.

Come on.

Let's see. A, B, C, D...

Here it is: Diagnose Your Own Ills.

A doctor's book? Mm-hm.

Here's a good one. Listen:

"Hemopoopalitis. Symptoms: general lassitude, lack of energy, brittle nails and hair, and dark circles under the eyes.

Treatment: Lots of rest."

What are you reading that for?

Betty, if I don't read it, how am I gonna catch it?

If I'm too sick to work, he'll have to hire someone.

Hm? Oh! Oh, that's brilliant, Wilma. Absolutely brilliant.

By the time breakfast is over, I'm going to have a maid.

"Dark circles under the eyes."

A little mascara will handle that.

Morning, Wilma. What's for breakfast? I'm starved.

Wilma?

Here I am, Fred. I'll get you something to eat.

What's the matter? Oh, nothing at all, Fred.

Just that old devil lassitude acting up again.

Lassitude? Didn't you sleep well?

Not a wink. It was so noisy.

What do you mean, "noisy"?

Every time I rolled over, my brittle hair cracked under my ear.

Your what?

It was like sleeping on a mattress full of cornflakes.

All night long, snap, crackle, pop.

Aw, well, you should've got me up. I tried.

Every time I tapped you on the shoulder, one of my brittle nails broke off.

One of your brittle...

You have terrible circles under your eyes, too. Let me look at them.

Oh, don't be concerned. I'm perfectly all right.

[coughing]

Hm. She's at it again.

This looks serious. You're so tired and all.

Wilma, there's only one thing to do.

Oh! I know where we can get a wonderful girl that cooks and cleans.

I'm gonna send for a doctor.

Oh. Oh, why waste money on a doctor?

Why don't we look up the symptoms in the medical book?

They might prescribe a simple treatment, on Page 84.

That's a good idea. The book's on the top left-hand shelf.

Yes, here it is. Uh, what page was that?

Oh. Oh, um... 84, I think. Eighty-four. Hm.

"Symptoms, General lassitude, brittle nails and hair."

You skipped one. Uh, lack of energy. And, "Circles under the eyes.

Treatment, Lots of exercise."

Maybe the best thing would be if we got a full-time maid.

"Exercise"? Where does it say that? Where?

[laughing]

Oh, I don't care what the book says. I'm weak, do you hear?

Can't you see how weak I am? [laughing hysterically]

You are the strongest weakling I ever saw.

Now, come on, Wilma. You know there's nothing wrong with you.

But I'm sick, Fred. Sick. Do I have to cry to show you how sick I am?

Oh, don't cry. Your mascara's running enough already.

My mascara?

Oh! You knew all the time. [wailing]

Of course. Wilma. No. Stop.

Stop, Wilma.

The neighbors will think I'm beating you, Wilma.

Stop!

Okay! Okay! Okay! You can have the maid.

I can have a maid? Yeah.

But I don't know where I'll get the money to pay for it.

We'll manage. You'll see.

Wilma, what are you doing?

I know a nice woman who'll help with cleaning and cooks the most wonderful Italian dishes.

But you're getting a maid. Why are you cleaning?

I couldn't let her see the house this way.

Oh, boy. Women.

I was against it originally, but I wanna tell you, Barney, this woman that's helping Wilma is the greatest.

Well, what's her name? Lollobrickida.

In my house that means "gracious living." And what meals she makes.

Well, uh, we don't need a woman for that. My Betty can cook up a storm.

Of course, you know what damage a storm can do.

Would you like to see The Ed Stonevan television show while you're working, Lollobrickida?

Grazie.

This knob adjusts the sound. I'm going to straighten up the bedroom.

And now, folks... let's give a really big Ed Stonevan welcome to a really big Western singing star, Tiny Tex Bricker.

[TV audience applauding and cheering]

♪ Oh, give me a home Where the dinosaurs roam ♪

♪ Where the reptiles and the mastodons play ♪ That's terrible singing.

♪ Where seldom is heard A discouraging word ♪

♪ 'Cause you're too busy running away ♪ I no can stand it.

♪ Oh, home on the... ♪

[TV turns off]

Don't you like music, Lollobrickida?

Uh, only good music. That's why I turn off TV.

I no can stand bad singing.

Last year, I quit two jobs just for this.

That won't happen here. I hope not.

[car tires screech]

That must be Fred.

Signorina, I will put dinner on the table.

Come on in, Barn, and get a look at gracious living.

Hey, how can you afford a maid, Fred?

Oh, I asked Mr. Slate for a raise, and invited him to dinner.

Once he tastes Lollobrickida's cooking, it'll be a pushover.

She cooks that good?

[sniffing] Mmm.

Smell that, Barney.

[sniffing]

What are you doing, Barn?

You don't mind if I borrow a snootful of the delicious aromas, do you?

I need it.

You are looking at a man who is going home to cold soup and some stale leftovers.

See you in the morning, Barney. Arrivederci.

And arrive-turkey to you, too.

Good morning, Lollobrickida. - Buon giorno, signorina.

I'll be right back. I'm just going next door. Mr. Flintstone's still sleeping.

[humming]

Mmm. Can't wait to eat. Even the smell is delicious.

[humming continues]

Hm. She likes music.

Well, I'll give her a little serenade. Make her feel at home.

[hummin continues]

♪ Oh, Lollobrickida, Your food, I dig it-ah ♪

♪ I'm knocked for a loop By your minestrone soup ♪

♪ if there's a jewel ♪

♪ It's your pasta fagioli ♪

♪ Oh, Lollobrickida, How I flip my wig-ida ♪

♪ And your pizza's great I'd even eat the plate ♪

[phone ringing]

That's enough water, Henry. Hold it.

Hold it, I said! That's enough.

[ringing continues]

Hello? Oh. Yes, Mr. Slate.

You could come to dinner tonight. That will be fine, sir.

Yes, sir. Bye. Ha-ha-ha!

My raise is in the bag.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Yes, Mrs. Vanderrock. You're coming to dinner tonight?

Oh, that'll be fine. See you then.

Who was that?

You know the social club Barney and I have been trying to join for so long?

Uh-huh.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Vanderrock, who are in charge of new members, are coming by for dinner tonight.

Wonderful! Yeah.

But they're so snooty.

I wish I had someone like Lollobrickida to impress them.

Why don't you borrow Lollobrickida for tonight?

I don't think she'll mind. Well, really? How about Fred?

He won't mind either. We have nothing planned.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We'll give the Vanderrocks a night they'll never forget.

Oh, that was a great breakfast, Lollobrickida.

Just great. - Grazie, signore.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. We're having company for dinner tonight.

My boss. Would you tell my wife? - Sì. I tell her.

But, Mr. Flintstone, about your singing...

I cannot...

I know you can't tell me how much you like it.

Well, you just keep cooking the way you've been cooking, and I will serenade you day and night.

♪ Oh, Lollobrickida, Your food, I dig it-ah ♪ He is going to sing day and night?

Oh, no.

That I could not stand.

♪ And if there is a jewel ♪

♪ It's your pasta fagioli ♪

"I quit. Signed Lollobrickida."

I'm glad it was a short message. Oh! My aching beak.

Lollobrickida? Gee, I hope she likes the idea.

[Wilma] Oh, Lollobrickida!

It's awfully quiet. What's this?

"I quit. Signed Lollobrickida."

Oh, no.

Well, there goes my chance to impress the Vanderrocks.

And I know a maid would've done it. Oh, I'm sorry, Betty. It was my fault.

Wait a minute. We can still do it.

I can be Lollobrickida. Oh, we'd never get away with it.

Why not? I've got everything here. I'll cook an Italian meal.

Then I'll bring it over to your house and serve.

Oh, Wilma, do you think we could fool the Vanderrocks?

Buon giorno, signora.

You like some antipasto?

Don't worry. What could possibly go wrong?

Stop pacing, Barney. Nothing can go wrong.

Wilma cooked a delicious meal. Now what are you worried about?

Did you ever start up a gangplank and have a sudden feeling there was no ship?

Everything will be all right.

And remember, Wilma's not Wilma. She's Lollobrickida.

[doorbell rings]

[gasps] That'll be them. Put on the ritz, Barney.

We want to show them we have a little savoir-faire.

Oh, don't worry I can "savoir" as "faire" as the next guy.

Evening, folks.

Good evening, Mr. Rubble.

Evening. Heh. So glad you could come.

Uh, take Mrs. Vanderrock's stole, Barney.

My pleasure. How nice.

Be careful with it. It's mink, you know.

Smells like skunk to me.

Well, you don't smell like a bed of roses to me, either.

I suppose our honored guests would like cocktails from our portable bar.

Oh, Jeeves!

Perhaps a bottle of cactus lager. It's very tasty.

I... [hiccups]... go along with that.

[Barney] Open wide.

Nice place you have here.

Oh, thank you, but we're looking for a bigger one.

We want to move to a neighborhood with people who make the kind of money Barney does.

Yeah. The nickel-and-dime set.

Doing well, is he? Oh, yes.

What with the raises he's been getting, profit sharing, stock options.

Between that and carrying my own lunch, we've been able to save quite a bit.

Um, I suppose you people are hungry. Shall we dine? I'll ring for the maid.

[ringing]

There's the bell. Round one.

Antipasto, coming up.

Oh, Wilma, we're here. Sorry we're late. Wilma?

Where's the little woman, Fred?

She must have gone out for something.

But I'll have the maid bring us a little antipasto.

Uh, maid? Yes, sir. The best there is.

Lollobrickida.

Huh. That's funny. She isn't here, either.

[sniffing] Mmm!

That smells delicious, and I'm starved.

Why don't we save some time?

I'll set the table. You dish everything out.

Whatever you say, boss.

Wait till you taste this great Italian food.

And while we were abroad, we bought a number of fine paintings.

Do you dabble in oils, Mr. Rubble?

Dabble in oils? Only when I eat sardines.

Uh, sardines?

I think we're ready for the main dish, Wilma... Uh, Lollobrickida.

Sì. Sì.

Lollobrickida's such a treasure.

She makes delicious spaghetti bouldermaise and brontosaurus meatballs.

You don't say.

Next course. Spaghetti, coming up.

I hope it tastes...

Empty! I've been robbed!

Is that you, honey bun?

Mr. Slate and me served ourselves.

Smells wonderful, Mrs. Flintstone.

Pass your plate, boss. It's so good, you won't believe it.

Salt. It needs more salt.

Wilma, wait. Hold it, Wilma!

[yapping]

Ah, the spaghetti.

Empty?

I've heard of low-calorie dishes, but this is ridiculous.

Uh, Lollobrickida, would you bring in the meatballs?

Sì. Sì.

These meatballs are delicious.

I think I'll have another. Sure, boss.

They're cold. I'll heat them up.

Heavens! Only two meatballs left.

I know you're all hungry, but these meatballs will make up for everything.

Psst! Psst!

Uh, if you'll excuse me, I'll see what's keeping Lollobrickida.

What's the matter, Wilma?

Betty, it's terrible. Fred invited Mr. Slate to dinner.

And this is all they left. Two meatballs.

Oh, no! There are four of us. What are we going to do?

Have you anything to add to it? I don't have a thing.

I've got an idea.

Where's Barney's golf bag? It's right here in the closet.

But what good is that?

Two golf balls... I mean meatballs coming up.

I'll cover them with sauce and give one to you and one to Barney.

But how can we be sure we get the right ones?

The golf balls are smaller. All right.

But, Wilma, be sure the Vanderrocks get the real meatballs, please.

Have a nice big meatball.

I think I'll take the smaller one, and so will Mr. Vanderrock.

Oh, it looks delicious.

That one had a little too much spice.

Uh, how's your meatball, dear?

I don't know. I'm afraid to try.

Fore!

Remind me, darling.

Next time we have dinner here I'll bring a caddie.

Well, it was nice almost having dinner.

I can't understand it, Mr. Slate. Wilma's never like this.

I'm sorry. I'd like to say goodbye to your wife.

That is, if you can hold her still long enough.

Oh, Wilma!

Maybe she's over at the Rubbles'.

Then I'll say goodbye to her over there.

Thank you for a difficult evening.

You haven't said anything about the club.

Yes. The membership. Membership?

Well, I really don't see...

Wait. It's all my fault. I'm not a maid.

This was all my idea to impress you. And I've made a mess of things.

You're not a maid?

And we thought the Rubbles were trying to be snobs.

Oh, heck, I'm no snob. I don't even know how to spell it.

Well, that's different.

Rubble, I'll put you up for membership myself.

See you at the clubhouse tomorrow.

Come, my pet.

We're in, Betty! Isn't it wonderful?

[Fred] Hey, Barn, you seen Wilma?

Here I am, Fred. Don't be angry.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Slate. But I can explain everything.

I was helping out the Rubbles. And they needed a maid tonight...

You don't have to explain.

If you have to work as a maid, it's quite obvious I'm not paying your husband enough.

Then I get the raise? Starting tomorrow.

Good night, Flintstone. I'll pick up a burger on the way home.

Congratulations, Fred. It could've been a disaster for both of us, but Wilma saved the day. She certainly did.

You helped us, Wilma. Is there anything we can do for you?

I just remembered. I haven't had my dinner yet.

I'll take the apron.

Mrs. Flintstone, would you please be seated?

[stammering] What in the world is going on?

Yabba-dabba-doo!

I love you!

Your dinner is served, madame.

♪ Oh, Lollabrickida, For you I flip my wig-ida ♪ You're the best maid I ever had, Fred.

At your service, my dear.

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern Stone Age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight Then that cat will stay out for the night ♪

♪ When you're with the Flintstones ♪

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪ Wilma!