02x05 - Dragon nuts

[bunniefuu]

It's alive!

- Man, Greg is really pissin' me off.
- Big Greg or little Greg?

- Little Greg in Accounting.
- Yeah, he's a prick.

To years of marriage.

To evil!

To days of sobriety.

Oh, crap.

¤ When you wake up in the morning
what's the first thing that you see? ¤

¤ It's your morning wood ¤

¤ Morning wood ¤

Well, hello, morning wood!

Billy, were you playing
with your morning wood?

No.

No need to be embarrassed, honey.
Your dad has morning wood, too.

¤ Look around your neighborhood ¤

¤ Everybody has morning wood ¤

Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell...

and I can't start my day
without waxing my morning wood.

Morning wood.

From the makers
of slow dance chubby.

If Bill Gates offered you
a billion dollars...

to be his ass sl*ve for a year,
would you do it?

No way! Never.

Ass sl*ve?
Are you kidding me?

OK.
Mike, how much would it take...

for someone
to run over your nuts?

Two million dollars.

Done!

Now, I'm gonna
get the money, promise?

Of course, dude.
You rule.

It's heavier than I thought!

I can do a nut transplant...

but it'll cost exactly two million dollars.

Oh, man.

- Plus tax.
- Oh, man!

Welcome home, dude.

You're a legend to us, hombre,
but everyone else thinks you're nuts.

Nuts! Get it?

It took me a month
to come up with that.

Oh, my God!

Damn it, doctor,
what did you do to me?

I'm sorry, Mike,
all we had to transplant...

were the nuts of a serial k*ller.

No!

Idle Nuts,
starring Jessica Alba.

You know, I'd want to att*ck you with
my nuts even if they weren't possessed.

Thanks?

Also starring Seth Green.

I'm a pot smokin' corpse,
bottle in my head!

Gotta stop the madness!

Hi, I'm Bill Gates.
I heard you take insane bets...

and wondered if you'd be
my ass sl*ve for a billion dollars?

I'll get my coat.

They said it could never happen,
but they were wrong.

Shiver with fear
as the abomination runs amok.

Giant midget. Run!

Tremble with terror
when the creature cannot be stopped.

Witness the beast
devouring everything in his path.

Nothing is beyond his reach...

- Yes, a mermaid!
- This hook hurts.

Now give me my three wishes.

What the hell are you talking about?
There's a hook in my face!

You mean
mermaids don't grant wishes?

That's genies, you ass.

Oh, man. I've wasted
the last years of my life.

However, I happen to be a genie...

who only looks like a mermaid.

What a twist.

I'm Bruce Wayne.

My knee!

I'm so bored, Falkor.
Is anything going on tonight?

Nothing, Atreyu.
Nothing.

What's Bastian up to?

"And then the boy took a big crap. "

Hey, I'm taking a big crap.

Everyone in Fantasia's doing nothing.

It's like we've been hit
by a nothing storm!

I think it's time
for a neverending party!

¤ Friday night ¤

¤ Boring as can be ¤

¤ Buy some booze ¤

¤ Every cheap ¤

¤ Call up all the crazy... ¤

Those look like big, strong hands.

- Don't they?
- Can you open this for me?

Spray it all over me!

We are so...

wasted.

Say my name, Bastian.

Say my name!

This party is ending right now!

West side.

¤ Neverending party ¤

Good evening, Omaha.

And oma how are ya?
It's flu season.

Ross Hathaway has the story.

Flu season means
trips to the pharmacy, missed work...

and kids coming home
with crusty shirt sleeves.

But surprisingly,
giant robots are the hardest hit.

The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
offer great health insurance.

But even a Ranger
can get the flu and call in sick.

Being a Zord down
really leaves the Rangers in a bad way.

Also effected was Voltron.

And the menacing Devastator.

We now take you to our eye in the sky...

for today's live car chase.

Officers are in pursuit
of a white sports car...

which failed to yield
for a routine traffic stop.

Good Lord! The sports car
now appears to be on fire!

No, it's a smoke screen!
I've never seen anything like this.

More later as the story develops.

Now, shocking amateur news footage...

acquired by this program
so that we may shock you with it.

- Give me that!
- No! Help, police!

There's no need to fear.
Underdog is here!

Holy f*cking sh*t balls!
You're a talkin' dog!

A talking dog? Really?

Great ass f*cking Moses!

Can you speak?
Can you say something, doggie?

OK. There's no need...

He talks! He really talks!

A f*cking talking dog!

That's it... holy...

- The dog can fly!
- And it flies!

And now, the weather
with chief meteorologist Paris Hilton.

- It's hot.
- My ear is saying something to me.

There's new developments
in that freeway police chase.

The sports car is now
tailgating a semi truck.

Holy... He's apparently
got himself an accomplice...

But wait a minute, there he is.
He's back on the road.

Oh, my God!

He just destroyed that helicopter...

with some sort of ground-to-air m*ssile!

Apparently, that was the traffic helicopter
from our associates at Channel .

Our hearts go out
to their entire news team.

Once loveable, the Shirt Tales
are causing controversy...

at the local zoo
with their new T-shirts.

Look, man, you can't reach kids these days
with crap slogans like "hug me. "

Yeah!

If it grows in the ground,
it was meant for me.

That's right, sweetheart.

What can I do?
Every time I chase them...

the Shirt Tales take off
in that f*cking flying car of theirs.

Son of a bitch!

I'm just getting word that police
are closing in on the k*ller sports car.

Why don't motorists realize
they just can't outrun the police?

Unless they have a speedboat...

like the one
he's taking off in right now!

Ladies and gentlemen, we're getting
word of panic throughout the city.

We turn to our internet expert for more.

A new worm is deleting
not only the p*rn on people's hard drives...

but all the p*rn
on the internet entirely.

We're now seeing live footage
from downtown Boston...

where social order
has completely broken down.

I was only halfway done.

Halfway done!

We now take you to the White House,
where a press conference is underway.

My fellow Americans, I give you my word
that the United States of America...

will find, capture, and punish those
responsible for this great national tragedy.

And if the perpetrators are listenin',
I have only this to say.

It's not funny, man.
Give us back our p*rn.