05x19 - Casablankman 2

[bunniefuu]

[ Thunder crashing ]

[ Drilling, sawing ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

It's alive!

[ Richard Strauss's "Also
Sprach Zarathustra" plays ]

[ Clanking ]

Well, sell the derivatives
from the German account,
not from the --

[ Beep ]

Oh, hey, Doug, my cellphone's
about to go --

[ Beep ]

Oh [ Bleep ]

Wharoo!

[ Panting ] Wharoo!

Wharoo!

[ Bell chimes ]

All those things I can do,

All those powers,
and I couldn't even save him.

Huh. Guess
I shouldn't have

doubled down
on that KFC double down.

[ Rapid heartbeat ]

Hmm.

[ Groans ]

Pa!

[ Gasps ] Oh, no!

Uh...uh...

Whoa! Not good!
Not good!

Um...oh, compressions!

Maybe start compressions.

[ Groans ]

[ Inhales sharply ]

Oh, if I can just...

sorry, dad.

Just--oh, no!

Uh, Sparky, come back here!

Sorry, pa.

Doctor [ Inhales sharply ]

My penis doesn't work.

What do you mean?
Like it won't go "wee-wee-wee"

or it won't go
"boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!?"

Hmm.

[ Rap music plays ]

♪ Oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats, oats,
oats, oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats-oats-oats-oats
oats oats-oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats, oats,
oats-oats-oats oats, oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats, oats,
oats, oats ♪

♪ We've only got one life ♪

♪ We've got to live it right ♪

♪ Throw up your hands keep
reachin' for the spotlight ♪

♪ Baby, you're a king,
you're a superstar ♪

♪ Baby, just show me
where the oats are ♪

♪ Oats are ♪

♪ Oats, oats,
oats, oats oats ♪

♪ Oats-oats-oats-oats
oats, oats-oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats,
oats, oats, oats, oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats, oats,
oats-oats-oats-oats ♪

♪ Oats, oats, oats, oats ♪

Now, Rihanna, we're gonna
learn to canter.

You'll need to know this
for your new video.

I changed my mind.
Horses are dumb as hell.

I don't want my video to have
a dumb-ass horse in it.

[ Crunch! ]

Oh, man! My neck!
My legs! My feet!

My arms!
I can't feel anything!

My [ Bleep ] body's numb!

♪ Oats, oats, oats, oats,
Oats, oats-oats oats oats... ♪

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

"Twilight" the game!

Raaaaaaaaaargh!

Approaching bank robbers
in their getaway t*nk, Michael.

I recommend jumping over it.

I love you, Kitt!

[ Explosions, tires screeching ]

We saved that busload
of nuns, Kitt,

by jumping over it.

I love you, Michael Knight!

[ TV shuts off ]

Man, I wish you
were real, Kitt.

We'd have some awesome
adventures.

[ Yawns ]
We'd fight all my enemies...

and m*rder them.

So cool.

So...cool.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Gasps ] Wow!

I'm Knight Rider!

I'm Knight Ri--aww,
wait a minute.

Oh, you're that crappy Kitt
from that crappy "Knight Rider"

remake from
a few crappy years ago!

Greetings, Michael.

Let's go on an adventure.

No, no, no, no, no!

Wake me up right now!

Please stop.

- Wake me up!
- Please stop.

- No! Let me out!
- Michael.

- No, no, no! Let me out!
- Please stop.

- Michael.
- No! You suck ass!

All you did in the whole pilot
episode was drive extra fast!

It was boring!

[ Crying ] Let me out!

Fine. Hope you like
ejector seats.

[ Beeping, buzzing ]

I don't seem to have
an ejector seat.

Boring!

"Knight Rider."
A shadowy flight--

Go die, please.

Aww.

- Having a bad day?
- My stupid dream

has the wrong
"Knight Rider" car in it.

Oh. What'll it be?

Hey...can I have lobster
with lots of butter sauce

and oreo ice cream served on
a cookie the size of my head?

- Mmm!
- Uh...we don't have that.

But...this is a dream!

Yeah, but we kind of blew
our budget on that.

Greetings, Michael.

Damn it!

Welcome back, Michael.

[ Sighs ] Hi, Val Kilmer.

Shall I turn into a pickup
truck? I can do that.

[ Sarcastically ] Wow.
One of your amazing features

is hauling cargo.

I can also turn from
this kind of Mustang

into another
kind of Mustang.

Ugh, do whatever.

I'm going to take a nap.

You can't take a nap
in a dream!

Of course you can.
Didn't you see Inception?

Only million people saw it.
It was so cool.

[ Yawning ] So...cool.

Oh, my gosh!

I'm in the real Kitt!

You're the real Knight Rider!

Are you ready
to [ Bleep ] do this?

Hell, yes!

Press my turbo boost button.

I will!

Yeah!!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!!

[ People screaming ]

I love you, real Kitt.

Oh. Ouch.

[ Bleep ] you, Val Kilmer.

Swat your balls?
Get a good ball swatting.

Who doesn't want
their balls swatted?

Come on, why don't you take
those pants right down?

There you go, there you go.
Let me swat those balls!

May this golden
spike symbolize the power

of the railroad,
which will last forever!

At least until people stop
giving a [ Bleep ] about trains,

which I predict
will never happen!

Today, that golden spike
resides at the who gives

a [ Bleep ] museum,
located directly up my ass.

Decepticons! att*ck!

What?

♪ Mr. Mouth ♪

♪ Open, close your mouth ♪

♪ Got a real pretty mouth ♪

♪ Like your mouth ♪

♪ Maybe I'll just take you
in another room ♪

♪ Let's have a date in here,
Mr. Mouth ♪

♪ Gonna have a party
inside your mouth ♪

Hello, Spock.
Nice to meet you.

I'm you, years older,
from the future.

How did you get here?

Through a black hole.
Listen, in years,

you'll fight against an evil
Klingon named Klorg.

All right.
And he'll swing
his bat'leth to the right.

So dodge left and you
will avoid spending a week

in the hospital.
Oh, thank you.

Oh, and also
in about seven years,

DJ Zumura will release
a greatest hits album

and it's awesome, so you
should definitely get that.

Okay.
But then two
years after that,

they're going to release a
DJ Zumura compilation album,

and even though
it has a different cover,

it has all the same songs,
so don't buy it.

All right.
Not life-threatening, per se,

but good to know.
Do not go down that hallway.

Who are you?
I'm you, five
minutes in the future.

Three minutes from now,
Kirk is gonna drop

a monumental deuce
in the hallway bathroom.

Sure.
And it's gonna
smell really, really bad.

Trust me. So, just maybe
take another hallway.

Okay, thanks.
Spock.

Who are you, my sister?

No, I'm you, Spock.
One night years from now,

you have one too many
zingaro sh*ts, lose a bet,

and get a sex change.
Why is old Spock a man?

I changed back.
There are some problems

with the equipment, though.
not going to lie.

Hey, Spock.
Don't tell me.

You're me, from the future,
but somehow I turn into

an overweight black guy.

Uh, no, I'm Ernie.

Just heading down the hallway.

Live long and bite me.

Damn, someone set their phaser
to stank back here!

I don't understand.

Why are all you Spocks meeting
me at this exact moment?

Didn't you get the note?
It's all of our birthdays.

We're throwing
a surprise birthday
party for super-old Spock.

He turns , years old today,

and this was the best
place we could all meet up.

Are all the
other Spocks ready?

Ready!

It seems so
illogical to travel

through time
to this location.

Happy birthday!
[ Monotone ] Go Spock.

It's your birthday.
It is the day of your birth.

By the year ,
due to an insatiable desire

of audiences everywhere,
almost every television show

involved vampires, and the ones
that didn't failed miserably.

Now we offer you a glimpse
of this very bloody future.

This week
on "Vampire Medical"...

g*nsh*t wound.
He's losing blood fast.

Let's get him a blood
transfusion, stat.

We're all out
of blood again, doctor.

Damn it! Who here
keeps drinking all the blood?

All right, we're
probably gonna lose him, then.

Might as well get together
and drink all of his blood.

[ Shink! ]

Aaaaaaah!

Is it "I want to suck
your [ Bleep ]"?

[ Laughter ]

Help! Help me!

We've got to save that kid!

We can't!
We'll be b*rned in the sunlight!

I'm wearing SPF .

I'll give it a sh*t.

[ Panting ]

[ Bleep ]

It's and to Derek Jeter.

Here's the pitch, and...

it's a base hit
straight up the middle

but Jeter trips
on his cape!

So does Rodriguez!
Martinez runs to make

what should be an easy stop,
and he trips on his cape, too!

Again, the cape
issue rears its ugly head

in Major League Baseball.

It's literally impossible to
make good pasta without garlic.

But since I'm a vampire
or whatever,

I don't use garlic, because
vampires don't use garlic

and my producer
said I need to be a vampire.

This is ridiculous. Do I
really need to be a vampire?

Yeah, Martha,
it's a network rule.

Sorry, got to--
yeah it's vampire.

Fine, I'm a stupid vampire.

[ Shink! ]

[ Hisses ]

Vampires
are very big right now.

Would you say REO Speedwagon

are a lot like vampires?

You know, 'cause you suck?

[ Sighs ]

Oh, great,
another ambush interview.

Hey, bring
the Speed wagon around.

We're out of here.

♪ You've got
to go with the flow ♪

♪ When there's nowhere to go
and your music flows, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, your music flows ♪

Who!