05x15 - The Core, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover

[bunniefuu]

[ Thunder crashing ]

[ Drilling, sawing ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

It's alive!

Hyah! Hyah!

I, Kratos, the God of w*r,
feed the blades of chaos

with the blood orbs
of your souls!

[ Needle scratches ]

Quickly, Kratos,
pleasure your lovers

and receive a bounty
of blood orbs.

Uh...one of them's a dude.

What's the problem?
You're in Greece.

I'm not sleeping
with a dude!

Surely you would
at least let him watch

if I offered you
, blood orbs.

The blades
of chaos are thirsty.

I could not turn that down.

Then let's make it ,

and he gets to play
with your balls.

What do you think I am?

We've already
established what you are.

Now we're just negotiating.

Oh, I see what you did there.

Very smug and demeaning.

I'm just gonna throw this out
there-- , blood orbs.

Anything goes.

[ Sighs ]

All right.

You're not gonna watch, are you?

Only as long as I need to.

Eh, nah.

[ Splash! ]

Sweetie, I'm home.

Honey?

Sharon, what happened?

[ cr*ck! ]

Oh, good. You're awake.
Who's there?

Don't you know?
Oh, no, that's right,

you wouldn't know
my voice, would you?

'Cause you never even
heard me scream.

Now you remember me?

Not so fast!

Look, I don't know
what you want.

What I want? I want my life
back, you son of a bitch!

Now sit down.

Have a bite.

I'm not--I'm not hungry.

And I'm not asking.

This is what you wanted, right?
Uh-huh.

A nice piece of fish?

I guess I wasn't
big enough for you, was I?

So you just take and you take

and you take
and you don't care

who you hurt along the way.

Look what you did to me!

I d*ed that day!

But th-th-that
was just this morning.

Take a [ Bleep ] bite.

Mmm. Good, huh?

Sharon!

At least the sharks
make it quick.

You can't blame 'em
'cause you feel no pain.

But you--you don't
even have the stones

to finish what you started.

That's where you're wrong.

[ Zap! ]

[ g*nsh*t ]

Ow! [ Bleep ]

Hello! Welcome
to my pipe store, sir!

Hey! You're the white
rap kid from !

You're Brian Austin Green,
right?

Well, I used to be an actor,

but now I'm following
my true love--pipes!

Oh, yeah! Now that sign
makes a lot more sense!

Now, can I help you
find a pipe?

Hey, say, didn't you
used to date Megan Fox?

That was a long time ago.
What happened?

I told you, man--pipes
are my one true love.

[ Horns honking ]

I need a box
to ship some antiques.

I'm sure I can
help you with that.

Hey, you're Megan Fox,
the actress.

Former actress.
Boxes are my life now.

Didn't you used to date
that, uh, Austin Greenbriar

or whoever?
Brian Austin Green, yeah.

But these days,
boxes are my one true love.

Excuse me, miss,

do you have any boxes
that would fit...

my heart?

Well, I know
when I'm a third wheel!

You mean all this time,

you were running B.A.G.
pipes next door?

You're the owner
of Fox's boxes?

I guess, that some things
are just meant to be.

♪ And all this time ♪

♪ I never saw the lighthouse ♪

♪ On your heart ♪

[ Both moaning ]

And together, they formed
the most successful

pipe-shipping company
in the United States.

Yeah, well, that ends
the th and final season

of "Masterpiece Theatre."

Toward the end, I became very
confused about what this show

was trying to accomplish,

and quite honestly,
PBS viewers grew outraged

their pledge money
was funding it.

I'm not sure what I'll do
with my career in the months

and years to come,
but I can guarantee you

I won't be book-ending tales
about Brian Austin Green

running a [ Bleep ] pipe store.

Oh, did I go off-script?

Did I ruin your precious take,
you insufferable prick?

Brian Austin Green
can swing from my balls.

Get a good grip, Brian!

You've destroyed
"Masterpiece Theatre!"

you [ Bleep ] destroyed it!

[ Telephones ringing ]

So, uh, we still have a lot
of those tote bags left.

You k*lled me, Billy!

One day, my son,
all this will belong to you!

What's this?

It must be a sign from the Gods!

They are showing us favor!

Ooh--that's a little warm.

[ Screaming ]

Father!

[ Crying ] Why? Why? Wh-y-y-y?!

[ Yawns ]

Hey, check it out, baby!

You've got an admirer.

Oh, wow [ Chuckles ]
that's great.

What are you doing?

Get over there and talk to her!

Haven't you noticed
she looks exactly like me,

but in drag?
So?

What am I,
a [ Bleep ] narcissist?

I need to look at myself
while I'm busting a--oh, god,

she's coming over.

Oh, my goodness!

I'm a hideous woman!

[ Blink! blink! ]

Want to get out of here?

Well, I guess the daily plane

it's a [ Bleep ] iPad app now.

I'm out on my ass 'cause
I never learned Photoshop.

Clark, you idiot!

I couldn't figure out
layers, Lois--sue me!

No! You were supposed to
remind me to Tivo "Top Chef."

Oh, I guess
I didn't hear you.

But you can hear a boy
scout getting bad-touched

miles away? You know what?

Do that thing where you fly
around the earth really fast

and go back in time!
Okay, I'm not gonna travel

through time for "Top Chef."

Do you want
a divorce, Clark?!

[ Sighs ]

You know, I love the show,
but I hate to cook,

which is so weird, right?

There you are.
Clark?

Look, if I don't remind
you to TiVo "Top Chef,"

you're going to forget--
You really think

I'm stupid, don't you?

No, no, I--can I get
a moment please?

Look, sweetie, you sent me
back in time to remind you--

Well, you embarrassed me.

Go back and do it right!

I really shouldn't--

Oh, right, so you'll go back

in time for future Lois

but you won't do it for me?

[ Sighs ]
I will do it for you.

[ Chuckles ] Up and away.

Lois, wait.

Where are your girlfriends?

Are you checking up on me?

You're smothering me, Clark!

No, no, sweetheart,

look, you forgot
to TiVo "Top Chef,"

so I went back in time as a--
Oh, well, you'll go back

in time for some stupid
tv show but not for me?

But that's not even--
[ Groans ] Give me a second.

Hey!

Hey!
You're me!

That's right,
from the future.

Look, I know you're gonna
tell Lois about "Top Chef."

But she's gonna
take it the wrong way

and have a [ Bleep ] fit?

I--I already knew what was
going to happen, didn't I?

Both: I'm in a
dysfunctional relationship.

I just needed
to talk it out...

Both: With someone I trusted.

Sweet Mary and Joseph!

I am an attractive man.

So, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Oh, god! Somebody help me!

Ugh--like nails
on a chalkboard.

I was just thinking that.

Both: Jinx!
Buy me a coke!

You buy me one!
, , , , !

Both: Jinx! Ba-da-bap,
ba-da-bap, Superman!

Hmph. Play the pipe cones.

[ High-pitched tones play ]

[ Deep tones play ]

[ Fast deep tones play ]

Well, that's a lot better
than our song, Steve.

They're playing
a crunchy tune!

We're getting
embarrassed out here!

[ High-pitched tones play ]

[ Deep-bass tones play ]

They've got a backbeat!
Bring in the snare!

Repeat--bring in
the [ Bleep ] snare!

[ Snare drum, tones play ]

Sing me a hook!

Um, uh--

That's an order!

♪ Lookin' at a U.F.O.♪

You're a [ Bleep ]
embarrassment!

[ Rapping ]
♪ I work at the army ♪

♪ And I'm here to say ♪

♪ I love Uncle Sam ♪

♪ In a major way ♪
[ Hissing ]

[ Rapping ]
♪ Comin' from the
stars above ♪

♪ With some spaced-out
alien love ♪

♪ Open wide,
here comes our nuts ♪

Yeah, mother [ Bleep ]!
devil's tower remix!

[ Bleep ] I'm going in!

[ Techno music plays ]

Break b*at!

I need back up!

[ Rapping ]
♪ On your knees ♪

♪ Beggin' please for me ♪

♪ To decrease my pace
Before I blast ♪

♪ And lace your face
with my superior bass ♪

♪ You've got no luck
so sorry, Chuck ♪

♪ Tell your whole
world to brace ♪

♪ 'cause me and my
intergalactic b-boys ♪

♪ Are gonna nut on your
whole race! ♪

What do you want?

Well, not your music,
that's for sure.

Look, we all saw
what just happened.

You don't have to be
a d*ck about it.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.