03x06 - Endless Breadsticks

[bunniefuu]

It's alive!

I- I don't... I don't know
what's going on.

This never really happens to me.

Not having a penis never
happens to you?

Bartender, give me a Scotch,
a backup Scotch, and a boiler Scotch.

That's a sh*t of Scotch floating
in a bigger glass of Scotch.

Now, Scotch me,
Scotch face.

Wow, are you Scottish?

I am U.S. Senator
Ted Kennedy.

I'm Jenna Jameson,
the world's most famous p*rn star.

What's wrong?

Celebrities in politics.

Schwarzenegger, Ventura,
Franken.

Soon, bloated, repulsive
politicians like me

won't find
work anymore.

Hey, celebrities take work
away from honest p*rn stars, too...

Paris Hilton,
Pam Anderson, Screech.

What the hell's a Screech?

Aw, screw it, Jenna.

If my family's taught me
anything,

it's that there's only one good
way to get rid of somebody.

Crash their plane into the
ocean?

No, the other way.

Drive off a bridge?

No,
I'm talking about...

Yah!

Paris, get that cock out of
your mouth.

That's my job.

Remember when I said I'd k*ll
you last?

No, I don't recall that...

Oh, you are doing a line
from my movie.

I lied.

I know how it goes.

Aah!

You suck!

Sayonara, Scotch.

Screech.

Whatever.

Aah!

Holy schnikes!

Hello?

Seth, honey, are you at the
Oscars?

No, mom, I'm watching them at
home.

Why aren't you at the Oscars?

'Cause, mom, I wasn't
nominated.

When are you going to start
doing prestige pictures?

I do work I'm proud of.

Apparently, a little fellow
named Oscar thinks differently.

God damn it!

This is the greatest day of
my life!

Oh, baby.

Micro Machines Man here to
tell you about the genuine,

original, marvelously majestic
micro machines collection.

Make these cars zoom and vroom,
veer and sneer, jump and bump.

Micro Machines Man used to own a
mustang convertible,

but his wicked witchifing wife took it
and everything he owned

in a divorce proceeding that
left yours truly emasculated,

devoid of testicles,

nothing but an empty scrotum
swinging between his legs,

like a portentous pendulum
tick-tock ticking

away the remains of
yesterday's youth and vigor.

Yes, the sea cow from the black hole
married Micro Machines Man not

for the promise of eternal
tongue tickling,

but for an amorphous amore only
a succubus

could inflict on a balding
butthead with poor prospects.

I'll never see my kids again.

Tonight's the night when a rigid
Remington r*fle barrel

gets frenetically fellated and
brain matter

goes splatter and the big
blanket of darkness

gives cold comfort to a broken
bastard.

For a product you can't take with
you to the grave, by Galoob.

Be careful, daddy.

Aah!

Draw.

Ow!

No!

I did it, princess!

I've been through hell and back
to save you.

Oh, thank goodness.

Ganon was such a beast.

I was a little bit badass.

Yeah, I k*lled thousands of
Octoroks and retrieved

the Triforce of wisdom,
just for you.

I truly appreciate it.

Truly.

Yeah, yeah, a good fantasy
adventure it was,

with a wonderful fairy-tale
ending.

Eh-heh.

Look, kid, I know where you're
going with this,

and you have to realize that I
barely know you.

But I'm the one who...

I've been rescued before.

It's part of being a princess.

Yeah, but...

Of course, the first time I
was ever rescued,

I f*cked that guy's brains out.

Hoo!

Ha!

But you're like the
eighth-something.

I've lost track.

But it's my first time.

I mean, in more ways than one.

Look, some cherries you get
to pop, some you don't.

How long did this rescue take
you, , hours?

It took me hours.

?
Wow, you suck.

Oh, look, I only have eight
rupees.

Take it for your time.

Take it, thanks.

A grateful kingdom.

I'm out.

Then I will save you,
my princess.

And now watch me escape from
this straitjacket.

Success!

I told you I'd do it!

Why are you clapping?

A violent schizophrenic r*pist
with touches of dementia

and the strength of eight men
just escaped.

Yeah, he escaped from his
straitjacket.

Really?

I would have loved to have
seen that.

Aah!

Now smile.

Perfect, yes.

That stopped him.

Yeah, but, man,
a spike strip?

I mean, couldn't we have tried a
warning first?

Yeah, we could have,
but we didn't.

Actually, I prefer
African-American lagoon,

thank you very much.

Once again, good trumps evil,

and General Spidrax's plan has
been thwarted.

But I'm sure Spidrax will be

spinning a new web of deceit
before long, Dargon.

Spidrax, spinning web.

I see what you did there, Zak,
and I like it.

Dragonflyer, you ignorant bitch,
heed my telepathic commands.

You use telepathy?

I always just kick mine
in the ribs.

Wait, we're being pulled into
a tractor beam.

It must be Spidrax weaving a
new web.

The time for spider puns is
past.

Prepare to fight.

Aah!

Oh, goodness.

That was a big one.

Make sure your bindles are
stowed properly.

Please direct your attention to
the exits here and here.

The meal today will be a
warmed-up can of beans,

and the in-flight movie will be
crazy John acting out scenes

from "Forrest Gump. "

But you ain't got no legs,
Lieutenant Dan!

Enjoy your flight,

and thank you for flying
homeless airlines.

Aah!

And that's how I'm gonna get
home to Alaska.

I'm the President
of jelly beans!

Turn your head and cough.

Ah, just as I suspected.

You let a stranger grab
your balls.

All right, I'm gonna
disconnect your air machine.

Then you're gonna go to sleep.

And then'll give you a sh*t,
and you'll stay asleep.

"Mo chuisle" means
"my darling," "my blood. "

For picture quality that puts
cable to rest,

you've got to
pick Direct TV.

Boss, this is taking forever.

Keep chopping,
you drain clog.

Once we harvest the energy of
the oldest tree in Eternia,

we can destroy Castle Grayskull
once and for all!

You know, Skeletor,
based on our track record,

this probably won't work.

Uh, life's a journey,
not a destination.

Not so fast, Skeletor.

Trees are some of our most
precious resources.

Uh...

Who are you talking to?

Your face.

Ow!

You know what they say...

a bird in the hand is worth two
in the bush.

Stop it.

What, you gonna cry now?

You gonna cry like a big baby?

I don't even have tear ducts,
you jerk.

You know what you need?

A good skull f*cking.

What?

Uh!

What the...

Oh, crap!
Oh, crap!

Beast Man, what did you do?

I don't know.

I mean, I thought he would block
it or something.

I mean, he's He-man.

This is the first m*rder in
Eternian history.

If the king finds out, it's the
guillotine for us all.

Oh, god.
Oh, god.

Oh, we're up sh*t's creek
without a paddle, man.

# He-man #

Okay, read that back to me.

"Being He-man sucked more
than you think.

Falling backwards onto
an a* now,

the way I always talked
about doing.

Love,
He-man. "

Foolproof!

Let's get the hell out of
here.

Oh, no.

I must tell King Randor and the
Sorceress this terrible news.

# He-man #

Oh, we're so dead.

Oh, we're so dead, we're so
dead, we're so dead,

we're so screwed.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

From this point forward,
I'm no longer Evil-lyn.

You may call
me Good-lyn.

Heh.

You know, I always thought your
name was Evelyn.

It's weird.

All this time,
it's been Evil-lyn?

Pretty clever, right?

No.

Oh, game over,
man, game over.

Why is that door locked?

I've got to take a dump.

Holy f*cking sh*t.

All:
Aah!

I have the power!

I have crapped my pants!

# He-man #

Orko, oh, thank goodness you
found He-man's sword of power.

We can use it to bring him back
to life.

He-man would be back and I'd
be regular Orko again?

Absolutely.

Yeah, but then that happened.

# Ba-bawk bawk bawk #
# Ba-bawk bawk bawk #

# Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk #

# Ba-bawk bawk bawk #
# Ba-bawk bawk bawk #

# Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk #

# Ba-bawk bawk bawk #
# Ba-bawk bawk bawk #

# Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk #

Ba-gawk! Bawk.