02x12 - The Deep South

[bunniefuu]

Good news, everyone!

My new invention lets you operate equipment from great distances.

I call it the Fing-Longer.

Observe.

And here we go.

There!

Pretty long, eh?

Yeah, really long! But what's that?

That's my What-If Machine.

Ask a what-if question and it simulates what would happen.

Does it really work? Of course!

It's just not very long.

I got a question!

As a robot among humans, I never feel accepted at parties or nude beaches.

So I've always secretly wondered...

What if I was 500 feet tall?

Let's watch, shall we?

My work here is done.

I'm so lonely since I came to the future.

Will you be my friend?

Who are you?

I'm a big robot! And I want a big cereal.

You too? Will you be my friend?

Put her there, pal!

No, your wallet.

Three, two, one, zero!

That calms the shakes.

Quit it! Stop! He's not your enemy!

He's just a misunderstood...

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

And another one. We're jerked!

Nothing can stop a monster that big! Except an equally big monster.

We can try my experimental enlarging ray.

We'll need a guinea pig.

What? Two meals in one week?

Gotcha!

A guinea pig tricked me!

What?

So now Zoidberg is big. That's more like it!

Who's intimidating who now, big city?

Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank.

Deny my credit card application, will you?

The Apollo Theater.

Boo me off-stage on open-mike night? I'll show you!

I called this city! Quit touching my stuff!

Tell it to the claw!

Bite my colossal metal ass!

Who wants lobster bisque?

Want to make Shrinky Dinks?

Who put this in here?

No!

Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying!

We'll never even know why he came. I'll tell you... with my final breath.

I came here with a simple dream... a dream of k*lling all humans.

And this is how it must end?

Who's the real seven-billion-ton robot monster here?

Not I.

Not I.

Good night, sweet prince.

Interesting stuff.

Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!

Well, Leela? Care to try the What-If Machine?

I don't know what to ask about.

Just pick something, woman!

Yeah, be more impulsive. Like this.

Go, man, go!

I can be impulsive. It just takes me a while.

All right, let's do it.

What if I was a little more impulsive?

Just a little.

Not too much.

Look what I bought on a wild impulse!

New boots!

They're like my old ones, but with a crazy green stripe!

Never know what I'm gonna do next.

Come here, Leela. I have something important to say.

I'm old and I need an heir.

Someone to spend my riches... and care for my man-eating anteaters.

The others aren't levelheaded. They're too impulsive.

Not like you. Not like predictable, dull-as-dishwater Leela.

Hello? New boots?

So I've made you my sole heir.

The day I die, you'll be a very wealthy woman.

Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy.

The day I die. Because you're so un-impulsive.

You've k*lled me! You've k*lled me!

What have I done?

I just told you! You've k*lled me!

Okay, try to be nonchalant.

All right, you're nonchalant. Don't rub our noses in it.

Sweet anteater of Santa Anita!

The professor's been eaten!

What?

It's mighty suspicious.

I'll call the cops. After I flush some things.

Police? Nosy meddlers.

I happen to have mail-order degrees in m*rder-ology and m*rder-onomy.

Zoidberg is afoot!

Perhaps his files can help.

Citation for Public Nudity.

Another one.

A new will, naming...

You! As his sole heir! What does that prove?

It's a video will. It shows you k*lling him.

All right, anteater number one. Who did it?

Was it anteater number two?

Don't stick your tongue out at me! I need a name!

What? How do you spell that?

What are you hacking off? My torso?

It is! My precious torso!

Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things!

Got disposal trouble? No!

Shocking about the professor. And now Hermes is missing.

Well, doesn't affect me.

Hey, what's this?

Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm?

I'm shocked!

Food in the disposal. Hair and flesh go in the trash!

I couldn't stop.

Wait. Don't you care that I k*lled him?

Ain't nothing wrong with m*rder... as long as I can wet my beak.

Blackmail?

I prefer the word extortion. The x makes it sound cool.

Please, I'm made of metal. You...

Wait, not the microwave!

Okay, that's it.

No more k*lling. Next time, just have a stick of gum.

Now, to hide the body.

Honk, honk!

Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and sexy!

So unlike you.

Got any gum?

No.

Everyone's here.

Who are you? Scruffy, the janitor.

I've never seen you before. I've never seen you neither.

Quiet, please.

I've called you all here to watch me gradually solve the crime.

One of you is a big m*rder*r!

The k*ller left one fatal clue.

The boot print on this lab coat.

Couldn't be me. I never wear boots.

See?

What smells like boot feet?

This is preposterous!

Obviously, the m*rder*r is...

My next clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped.

Two hours later, at 4:15...

I discovered the m*rder*d body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.

I know who k*lled them people.

In Scruffy's opinion, it were...

It's as I suspected.

The crime is unsolvable.

A letter from my friend Bender.

Dear Doctor Jerk-berg, if you're reading this, I'm dead.

The m*rder*r was...

My God! It can't be!

The m*rder*r, it was...

I'm bored. You're boring.

What's on TV?

Could you get the lights on your way out?

What's that?

Lobster. You want some?

Sure.

I think I figured out those deaths. Really?

Are we near an Indian graveyard?

No. No?

Then it was you!

What's come over me?

I k*lled one person on impulse. Then another. And another.

That covers three.

Now, to make sure you won't talk...

I'm gonna have to do something really impulsive!

So, what do you think of the impulsive new me?

I like it.

Good. Now let me just get the lights.

I really like it.

Who else has a question for the machine? Scruffy? Fry?

I have one.

What if Bender was giant? We already saw that.

I know. I want to see it again.

No, ask something less stupid.

Oh, how about this?

What if I never came to the future?

There, now that question is somewhat less stupid.

What would happen if Fry never came to the future?

Hello? Pizza delivery for...

I.C. Wiener.

Oh, crud.

Here's to another lousy millennium.

You're going back in the toilet!

What is it?

A rip in the very fabric of space-time.

Hey, look! An ugly, scared guy!

Is one of you I.C. Wiener?

If that's his pizza, then I am.

You believe me about the monsters, right?

There's only three monsters, kid. Dracula, Blacula and Son of Kong.

Now quit picking your nose and knead that dough!

The usual, Professor Hawking?

No, I'd like something good.

Hawking, you're all right!

Stephen Hawking! Didn't you invent gravity?

Sure. Why not?

Has anyone ever seen a hole in space with monsters in it?

If I'm the first, I'll call it a Fry Hole.

There is no need to worry.

I must go. There is much to do.

Hawking, your pizza!

Toss it in the garbage.

There he is. Seize him.

Who said that?

Who are you?

I'm Al Gore. These are my V.P. Action Rangers.

Our sole duty is to prevent disruption in the space-time continuum.

Isn't your sole duty to break ties in the Senate?

That, and protect the space-time continuum.

You want to see my Fry Hole?

Oh, yes. But first, meet the team. You know Stephen Hawking.

Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a. Commander Uhura.

Incoming transmission from MCI.

It sounds like low rates.

I'm in the tub!

This is Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons & Dragons.

Greetings! It's a pleasure to meet you!

And our intern, Deep Blue, the chess-playing computer.

Bishop to knight 4.

Not every mission can be solved by chess, Deep Blue.

Where am I?

You're in a terrestrial transport module.

A school bus!

What's going on?

It's about that rip in space-time.

I call it a Hawking Hole.

Hey, I saw it first!

Who will The Journal of Quantum Physics believe?

Apparently, something was supposed to happen but didn't... due to quantum flux.

So we had to b*at you with rackets.

If that event doesn't occur... the universe will be destroyed.

As an environmentalist, I'm against that.

So then I almost fell into this thingy.

I call it a Hawking Chamber.

But I missed and wanged my head.

Well, obviously that wang should have k*lled you.

What? Let's finish the job!

No, wait! There must be a peaceful...

Hold him down. Check.

Something's wrong! m*rder isn't working.

Let's try something else. We should...

Put the dice away.

I'm getting an idea!

What if he was meant to be frozen?

Yes, shove him in the tube. It was my idea.

There he is again! He brought nerds!

Take this!

Hurry, get in before the universe collapses!

I'll need a w*apon to fight drunken robots!

Here, take my plus-one mace!

Okay. Here I go.

You fool! You foolish fool!

What could go wrong?

Great. The universe was destroyed.

Then where are we now?

I can darn well tell you where we're not. The universe.

Eternity with nerds. It's a Star Trek convention all over again!

Anyone want to play Dungeons & Dragons?

Yeah. Sure.

I'm a 10th-level vice president.

That was preposterous. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria.

This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of.

Anyway, the Fing-Longer seems to be a success.

Way to go! Right on, professor.

So that's how it would be if I'd invented the Fing-Longer.

A man can dream though.

A man can dream.