02x06 - The Lesser of Two Evils

[bunniefuu]

Finally, the last form of the day.

Welcome to stampy town, population five.

And now for the finishing touch.

The cycle of bureaucracy.

Sweet gorilla of Manila! A letter from Central Bureaucracy!

Attention. You are about to receive a letter from Central Bureaucracy.

It's from Central Bureaucracy!

I'm playing poker with friends from my old job.

Interested?

I only gamble with chumps.

I'll play. I'm in!

Leela. Fry. Robot.

No matter what, I'm available.

We're playing poker. But my friends are serious.

Big sh*ts. I say let the dice do the talking.

Is someone fired? Better.

Central Bureaucracy is inspecting tomorrow.

I'll finally be promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest grade there is.

Hermes, we're having a poker party. Whip off some of your jerk dip.

I spent all day cleaning my office.

I got to relax the Jamaican way, warm milk and a good night's sleep.

Jamaican? I thought you were an outer space potato man.

That must be my old boss.

Hi, Leela. You're fired. I know.

Sorry, but you're over a year late for work.

Let the games begin!

So I said, your request for a date is flattering, but I decline.

Office romances never work out.

That's how I met my horrible wife.

You never wore your ring. I didn't know.

She doesn't know I work. I keep my personal life separate.

Deal! You'll have time to talk when you're poor.

What's with those? My lucky shades.

I got them off a lucky guy while his lucky seeing-eye dog was whizzing.

Hey!

I can't spell anything with these cards.

Finally, I have a good claw!

Three females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.

It won't matter how many you got. Bender's hot.

What can I say? Must be my lucky shades.

Nothing. Nothing. Crap. Crap. Garbage.

Read them and leak saltwater.

Oh, man. My baby's milk money!

What will I tell my horrible wife?

I'd be more worried about the tape worm going to town on your intestines.

Let me see those glasses!

Oh, my various gods! X-ray specs!

I swear those are prescription. I need them for reading stuff.

Behind other stuff. Cheater!

Break his neck!

No! Don't hurt him! He's my best friend...

Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with x-ray glasses, would ya?

Easy on the arm. Oh, my ass!

Great cow of Moscow!

It was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado!

I'll never pass inspection now!

They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick at carnival time!

And that's as low as limbo sticks get.

Don't worry. We'll watch you clean.

It's too late. The inspector will be here in exactly one second.

Who are you? Morgan Proctor, grade 19.

Hermes Conrad, grade 36.

Enough banter. Shall we begin? This way, please.

Jeez, you seem awfully calm.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

I'm going to jump!

No! No!

Do a flip!

Don't do it! You have so much to live for!

Reverse psychology?

Old friend, don't jump! Use a method that won't damage your liver.

Others need it, you know?

Husband, no!

Out of my way! I'm not cut out to be a bureaucrat!

I'm only a**l 78.36% of the time.

I'm not worthy to stamp a form, so I'll stamp the cement with my body!

If you complete your death transaction without filing a su1c1de... and/or falling permit, you'll be demoted.

Life. Death.

Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle.

Sweet something of... of someplace.

I relieve you of duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation.

The ultimate penalty.

I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the Sauna planet. Here, read.

Spa 5? Is it good?

Wonderful. I don't know anything about it... they give me krill for everyone I send.

I have to assign a bureaucrat to fill in.

I assign me. I accept. Welcome.

It's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat.

Last Monday, why did it take twice as long as scheduled?

Fry got his head stuck in a crater. I thought it'd fit.

During this, what were you doing? Drinking contest with the autopilot.

I'd have won but I ran out of olives. I can explain.

You can explain how you left without enough olives? I think not.

Is this high school? Locker check!

Why isn't this alphabetical?

What? The zipper should be at the bottom.

Sometimes a guy gets lonely.

Oh, I've never seen anything like this!

Why's there yogurt in this? I can explain.

It used to be milk, and time makes fools of us all.

You're dismissed! Fry, I'll speak to you alone.

This is the other Fry's locker. I'm Phry.

Admit it, Fry. You're a slob.

A dirty, filthy slob.

Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty!

What's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty!

I'm surrounded by neat all day.

Nothing's kinkier than a slop-jock.

Oh, stop.

Listen, you pig. No one can know. If anyone asks, I'll deny it.

Like every girl I dated.

And two, and three, and four. Come on, work those arms!

This is no spa, it's a labor camp.

If I get out, Zoidberg will see the business end of a shrimp fork!

Give him one for me, mate. Don't know why I go to him.

I don't miss twice, campers.

For those six reasons...

I'm demoting Leela to copilot. Under who?

The autopilot. That drunk?

Bender, you're in charge of the professor's bodily functions.

It's full-time.

Fry, I'm promoting you to executive delivery boy.

You won't deliver. You'll get an office next to me.

All right!

Would you high-five him so we can continue this meeting?

And on the rebound?

Adjourned.

I don't know why she's nice to you.

She's a hateful monster. She scolded and hit me.

She's risking my friendship with her.

What happened to you?

I walked the professor. We were in the park... and a lady says I stole her purse.

I threw the professor at her. I had to hit her with a purse I found.

It's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing scaz-wag.

If she were here, I'd...

Is she behind me? No. I'm in front of you.

Morgan? It's 3 a.m.

A skunk knocked over my garbage, and I could only think of you.

My God, it's so... repulsive.

So, this is where you eat?

Eat and sleep.

Oh, Fry!

Bender's my roommate. He could be back.

I ordered him to flush out the professor's earwax.

Hey, Fry? I made you a candle with... What the...?

Oh, now I see. Now I get it. Now the pieces are falling into place.

The promotion, the dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions.

It's coming together!

I must say this opens my eyes!

Another case closed, my dear Watson.

Come back! It's a loop!

For I was blind, but now I see.

The cat's out of the bag!

About last night, that was just a misunderstanding.

You didn't understand? I'll explain. You were having sex with you.

No. A bureaucrat of my rank can't fraternize.

That's what makes it so juicy. It's the forbidden fruit angle.

Guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it.

They'll say, who, Bender?

And I'll say, it was lovable old Bender...

What'd you do?

Downloaded his brain. Bender is here...

His memories, his in-your-face interface.

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

But... But Bender need brain. For smart making!

Stop doing things!

I sent it to be filed at Central.

I had to. He was a bad robot.

He was a bad friend. I want him back!

You should've filed a request 20 years ago.

I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy!

Dirty boy! Dirty boy...

You were having an affair?

She loved me because I'm a slob.

I loved her because I'm desperate.

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Without his brain, he's quiet and helpful.

We have to go to Central and get the disk!

Oh, yes. We must! Yeah!

Why?

Well, that aside, we're going.

You can't waltz into Central.

It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations.

I haven't been. A friend went mad trying to find their washroom.

Then we'll need a guide.

Oh, I've been there! Lots of times.

Carts go out full but come in empty.

It's inefficient!

Pulling empty carts is the closest we get to sleep.

They'd increase efficiency... if empty carts brought in machinery.

Hey, I like the way you think.

Oh, Lord.

You know, you ought to be a bureaucrat.

Will this take long? Getting my birth certificate.

It doesn't look like I'll make it inside. Good luck.

Just leave me where I drop.

Someone had a baby.

Come on, I have a better idea.

We're from the delivery company. We're here to deliver a robot.

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Looks like we've got a new office cutup.

Look out, look out!

I'm gonna crash! I swerved to avoid you.

Could you tell us where the canisters go?

Central filing.

Okay. Thank you. Wonderful.

No!

Of course I know where it is. I'm grade 20.

Where? I can't tell.

What do I look like, a grade 16? We're getting nowhere slowly.

I'll address this to the filing room.

We'll track it with my lojack-a-mater.

Cold. Warmer.

Hot, hot, hot, hot...

Don't tell my boss I was asleep.

This is it! We'll run in, grab Bender's disk and run out. Got it?

We'll never find it.

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

You're right! Nothing's over if there's hope.

Lost something? I should have known you'd come here.

And I did. That's why I came.

We're through! You're evil. I never want to see you again!

Help us for old times' sake?

He's lost in the master in pile.

It would take an atomic-powered sorter to find him.

You rang?

Damn it, jump already! Stop hogging the healthy liver!

I want to live!

Organizing the labor spa rekindled my love of bureaucracy.

My Hermes got that hellhole running so that all the physical labor... is done by a single Australian man.

How'd you find us? Dr. Zoidberg.

It was me! I'm the hero!

Request for explanation of incident meeting.

Number 1.0!

Number 1.0, I petition you for an emergency sort... under regulation two...

Don't quote me regulations!

I was on a committee to review... the color of the book that regulation's in.

We kept it gray.

I must find the disk with my friend's brain on it.

Very well, but your license will be revoked if you fail... to sort the master in pile by closing.

1 p.m. That's only four minutes from now.

Requisition me a b*at.

I was born, there was a hurricane, we had a foot and a half of water I cried all night, blew my alphabet blocks out of order This boy's born to be a bureaucrat, born to be obsessive and snotty I made my relations file applications to get into my birthday party Something changed when he turned pro Sorting but wasn't smiling

- He forgot it's not about rank It's about the filing, people We didn't choose to be bureaucrats, that's what almighty Jah made us Treat people like swine, make them stand in line, even if nobody paid us The world looks down on bureaucrats, we're a**l, compulsive and weird Push comes to shove, do what you love, even if it's not a good idea

- Said I shouldn't be a surgeon Poo-pooed my electric frankfurter Said I shouldn't fly with one eye I am Bender, please insert girder Everybody sing Jamaica Just the bureaucrats Just the grade 19s

- Jamaica Sing me home Push comes to shove, do what you love, even if it's not a good idea I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

Yeah! Congratulations!

You finished with two seconds to spare, so I'm demoting you.

Good bureaucrats never finish early.

That's okay. At least you're back.

Not yet. I'm acting bureaucrat of Planet Express.

I have some changes to make. Fry, you're fired.

Second... Hold on!

While I was sorting, I found a document filed by Morgan Proctor.

Form B. Notification of Romantic Entanglement.

She fraternized me!

It's not about you. It refers to my prom date.

A date that ended in disappointment.

Yes. But you only stamped it four times!

No! No! I was young and reckless!

You are technically correct. The best kind of correct.

I hereby promote you to grade 37.

And as for you? Guards!

Bring me the forms I need to sign to have her taken away.

It looks like I need my heroic bureaucrat back.

At severely reduced pay, of course.

Yeah! Better than nothing.

Can I get reduced pay too?

You got it! In fact, severely reduced pay all around.

Come on, wife! Let's blow this joint!

Now it's time for my song!

When I was 2, there was a tidal wave in...