02x04 - Xmas Story

[bunniefuu]

Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love.

Hermes returns from his vacation today.

Good morning. Hey, Hermes!

Yo! My man!

So how was it? Stopover on the Brain Slug planet.

Hermes liked it so much he decided to stay.

Hermes has all the fun. He's got a Brain Slug on his head!

You're gonna get us assimilated. Switch to a garlic shampoo.

Today's mission is to go to the Brain Slug planet.

What'll we do? Walk around not wearing a helmet.

Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say.

Let's ditch him and go to the movies. Hey, yeah! Good idea.

I'm seeing a movie with friends.

Cool, let's see this one.

No. I'm not in the mood for a documentary.

I've heard good things about Quizblorg, Quizblorg.

I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious.

Fellows! How about a film we can all enjoy? Planet of the Clams.

About an upside-down world where lobster is sl*ve to clam.

Who invited you? Let's see All My Circuits.

I wanna see that.

Good point, Bender!

A small slurm. For 25 cents less, get a super small.

Okay.

Oh, man!

Give me a large diet malt liquor and a popcorn with extra motor oil.

Down in front!

Glagnar's Human Rinds presents This Week in the Universe.

This is real futuristic. Don't talk during the movie.

New New York mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer... opens a new tube line to alleviate rush-hour traffic.

Dateline, Paramecium Homeworld. Miss Universe Gladys Lennox... entertains troops fighting to wipe out the human race. Go get 'em, boys!

In Ultimate Robot Fighting, The Masked Unit wins against...

Gorgeous Gonks by technical melting.

Go, Masked Unit!

Hey, buddy? Yo!

Mind taking your head off? I need it to watch the movie.

Ask Flabby here to describe it to you later.

She is as the factory made her.

They should have stopped about halfway through.

Well, that finishes this paperwork.

Calculon Enterprises.

A fight scene has broken out at the warehouse!

Come quickly, before an expl*si*n chases someone down a hallway.

I have no choice but to...

If you want Calculon to race to the battle, press 1.

If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press 2.

You have pressed 2. I didn't!

I'm almost positive you did.

Add in the carryover from form 16-A, then deduct line 2-B.

Pardon me, sir. But you seem to be kicking my seat.

Pardon me, sir. But you seem to be...

That's the gist of what I said. Would you mind?

Sure thing, pal.

Sir?

Who threw that? That's it!

Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs.

Oh, I'm boned.

Let's all go to the lobby!

I'm gonna open a pile of whup-ass on you!

Do you know who that was?

Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked him out cold!

Wow, I'm impressed!

I'm the commissioner of Robot Fighting.

A connoisseur of jerks who pick fights. And you're the biggest.

You should see me at funerals. I want you in the League.

Ultimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant. I'll do it.

My hero!

They don't make movies like this anymore.

I'm gonna be the greatest robot fighter ever!

Float like a float-bot, sting like a stinging machine!

You can't be a robot fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition.

It is? There are no rules.

Two robots enter, one robot leaves.

The other leaves after being declared the winner.

That doesn't sound so bad. Did I mention the crippling pain?

I'm pretty sure I did. Yes, definitely.

Crippling? That's not covered by my insurance. Count me out.

You've got to do it. I don't care how suicidal it is.

How come when I want to have fun you're against it?

This is more important than that marble-eating contest.

Let me tell you a story. Oh, again with the orphanarium.

When I was growing up, I got picked on a lot.

My only outlet was Octouran Kung Fu.

Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go to championships.

Bill, congratulate Keith when he wakes up.

But I can b*at these dorks with one eye closed.

Perhaps. There is more to winning than that.

You lack the will of a warrior. What do you mean? Watch this.

No girl has the will of a warrior. You have the will of a housewife.

At best, the schoolmarm. I'll take you on right now.

But I have the will of the warrior. Therefore, the battle is over.

The winner? Me!

Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so!

I lost my chance. I won't let you throw away yours.

She's right. I don't want to end up like her!

Count me back in!

Let's see what you got. Touch your toes.

Still can't reach!

Let's commence preparations for rumbling!

Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars!

Welcome to tonight's main event.

From Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in America's heartland, Mexico.

Bender!

And in this corner, from and made of parts unknown.

The Clear Cutter!

Bender rules! I got you a Bender hat.

Thanks, Hermes! I... Hey, cut that out!

You can't hit what you can't see.

Get up. You can't quit every time you get an a* in the back.

Or a drill through your face. Quit scratching your a*-hole and get back.

And the winner is... Bender!

Nice work out there, kid. He might be dead. I took a life!

Hi, boss. Yo, dude.

He's not dead! What's up?

You didn't read the pamphlet? Ultimate Robot Fighting is a scam.

Keep it under your head. But the most popular robot always wins.

I'm not a great fighter? I won because I'm popular?

Bingo. I'm popular!

You're pure lowest common denominator.

Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!

Presenting Bender...

The Offender!

I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back.

Versus...

Billionaire Bot!

Versus...

The Foreigner!

I'm not from here! I have my own customs!

Look at my crazy passport!

Versus...

The Chain Smoker!

I love smoking. And after I win the fight...

I'm headed straight to your favorite restaurant.

You know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot Lover.

You're three hours late.

You can't give up. Both of us worked so hard.

We? I said us.

Bender The Offender doesn't need you! He doesn't need anybody.

What about us, Mr. The Offender? Well, I need floozies. Let's roll.

Howdy, chief. What do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud?

We're going in a different direction.

We wouldn't be fighting in the conventional sense.

You're slipping.

Sales of Bender Brand bath soaps are down 20 percent.

Those morons! I said peaberry, not sandalwood!

If you can't move sandalwood, you don't belong here!

You'll lose next week's title match. But the crowd loves me.

Let's see how they feel about your new persona.

The Gender Bender! The most unpopular fighter... since Sergeant Feces Processor.

Oh, yeah? What if I don't let the new guy win?

Then he'll just b*at you the old-fashioned way, to death!

Melissa, send in the new kid.

I am Destructor.

See you at the fight.

I said, see you at the fight. And that's the story.

I thought it was real, like pro wrestling.

But it's fixed, like boxing.

It's one thing to win a fixed fight. There's dignity. But to lose?

And in this atrocity?

I can't do it. You've gotta train me to win.

No! You wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it...

So why now?

What are you talking about? I don't know. But I'm not helping.

You loved him as Bender The Offender!

Get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality... in his new persona, The Gender Bender!

I'm a real toughie.

Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!

I will destroy you!

And stop calling me.

I am his trainer, Master Funog.

He will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior.

Not Funog!

Let's hit the gym. I'll teach you to fight like a girl!

I'll put on my tutu.

Hello, and welcome to a remarkable championship bout.

Destructor, a robotic armored t*nk... whose very use at battle has been ruled a w*r crime... versus Gender Bender, who wears a pink tutu.

This is Rich Little imitating Howard Cosell, here at ringside... with George Foreman. George, a word in edgewise?

This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973... when Ali faced an 80-foot tall Joe Frazier.

My memory is not so good, but I think the Earth was destroyed.

Interesting, if true.

The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0.

A bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000... if he wins. Still, very few takers.

It's not a smart bet.

You're supposed to prance out and tickle him with your fairy wand.

Instead, prance out and kick his head off.

Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle.

Thank God I'm free of that nightmare! Sorry. Here you go.

Thanks. It was cold on the floor.

Professor, I got you a program. Good.

Just let me put on my reading glasses.

Why, Zoidberg! There's a lovely photo of you in here!

In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls... weighing 525 pounds...

The Gender Bender!

Get that hippie out!

And in these two corners... weighing 400 tons... the gizmo from Pismo... Beach!

Destructor!

We meet again. Girl who acts like fighter, training fighter... who acts like girl. Keep laughing, Funog.

Ready? I was built ready. Give me the bell.

Did you hear a noise?

Final boarding call for Flight 406... non-stop service to pain.

Now boarding standby passengers...

It's a good time to bring up my new grill.

With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.

Fry! Throw in the towel!

For God's sakes, Fry.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Mommy! Funog, that's enough. Call him off.

Funog?

Why won't anyone help me?

So once more we meet again.

You're just controlling him like a puppet.

I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's low.

Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!

Oh, right. Girls lack the will of the warrior.

It's Bendering time!

Take this! And this!

You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher.

I think you misunderstood the concept of Bendering time.

See you in girl hell! I'll be in boy hell, much nicer.

Yes!

Yes!

And the winner is...

Destructor!

I've not seen such a spectacle... in all my years impersonating a sportscaster.

Interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.

No argument here.

I heard somebody got flattened!

Fry, where's your brain slug?

Poor little guy starved to death.

I'm proud of you. Sure, you lost. You lost bad.

But I b*at up someone who hurt my feelings in high school.

I'm in tremendous pain here.

Great job. You lost, and you made it look almost half real.

Here's a card good for 10% off at Bed Bath & Beyond.

Yes! I'm the greatest! The greatest!

So ends the chronicle... of one of the greatest ever to play the sport.

He didn't look half bad in the tutu. That he did surely not.

What?