03x05 - Lionel Steps Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Well, I got to say it
for you, Edith.

You done it again.

That there one
was a two-notcher.

Oh, thank you,
Archie.

Linda, would you like
another piece of pie?

No, thanks, Aunt Edith.

Save it for Gloria.

She's the one
that's working overtime.

Wait a minute. The meathead's
working overtime too.

Look at him
with his knife and fork.

Come on, will you?
I just like to eat.

Well, so does a tapeworm,

but we don't need one of them
in the house neither.

Are you sure, Linda?
Just a little piece?

It was delicious, Aunt Edith,

but I've already gained
four pounds

since I've been here.

I have to watch my weight.

The airline
is very strict about that.

That's right. You know,

I've never seen
a fat stewardess.

That's because you live
in America, Meathead.

The fat dames are flying
in them Polack planes.

Archie, that's
a cheap joke,

and for your information,
Polish State Airlines is rated

one of the finest airlines
in the world, all right?

They have a perfect
safety record.

Good. I'll buy you a ticket
anyplace, one-way.

Look, don't start with me,
Archie, all right?

Mike, would you like
another piece of pie?

Oh, no, thanks, Ma.

It was a great dinner,
but I couldn't eat another bite.

Wait a minute.
What was that I hear?

He can't eat
another bite?

Hold it, world.
One minute of silence.

What for?

Out of respect, Edith.

The meathead's stomach
just died.

Very funny, Arch.

Yeah, well, I thought so.

[BELCHES]

Archie, we have
company.

Linda ain't company.
She's family.

Bring me another coffee, huh?

Oh, let me do that,
Aunt Edith.

I need the practice.

Oh, thank you, Linda.

Okay, Uncle Archie,
you're on my plane.

Now, pretend that you're
a gentleman flying first-class.

That's gonna take
a lot of pretending.

Go ahead, Linda.

Another cup of coffee, sir?

Yes, thank you
very much.

I think I will.

Oh, jeez.

Will you clam up?

I'm helping the kid
with her homework here.

There you are, sir.

And if there's anything else
you need, just ring.

Yeah, well,
thanks a lot.

Now, that's some style there,
huh, Edith?

Oh, yeah, that was
very good, Linda.

Hey, Linda, why don't you let me
call up your father

and ask him if you can stay
with us a couple extra days?

I'd love to,
but I really have to go.

What's your hurry?

Ain't you having fun
with us here?

Oh, sure, I am,

but I'm scheduled to fly
out of Baltimore tomorrow.

Besides, think of poor Mike.

Because of me,

he's been sleeping on that couch
for two weeks now.

That's all right, Linda, really.
I don't mind.

Yeah, down here on the couch,
he's getting some sleep.

Don't you sleep good
upstairs?

Forget it, huh?

Maybe their bed ain't
as comfortable as ours is.

I said, forget it.

Because you don't have
that trouble.

You drop right off.

Will you stifle yourself?

Anyway, Linda,
you tell your father

that whenever you're up
in this neck of the woods,

you're always welcome to stay
here with us.

Thanks, Uncle Archie.

I just might do that.

Yeah, and by the way,
you tell your father

he ought to come up
for a visit too.

You know, when we was kids,
we was always together.

He always was hanging around me,
wanted to be just like me.

Now I hardly never
see him anymore.

Just remind him, Baltimore
ain't that far from New York.

Then how come
we don't visit there?

New York ain't that far
from Baltimore either.

That's different, Edith.

People from New York
don't go to Baltimore.

Besides, he's the
youngest brother.

It's only right

that he come and visit me.

Well, Linda, as long
as they ain't serving no cigars

on your airplane here,

I think I'll just jump
down to the corner store

and pick myself up a few.

I'll be back in three or four
shakes, there, Edith.

EDITH:
All right, Archie.

Ooh, I better
get going.

It's five to .

Are you going out, Linda?

Yeah, I'm going
dancing.

Come on, Ma,

I'll help you
clear the table.

Thanks, Mike.

Ain't it strange?

What?

Well, Archie looks
just like his brother,

but Linda don't look
like either one of them.

Of course, I never looked
like my mother or my father.

I look like my brother, Harry,

but Harry didn't look like me.

He looked like my sister,
Gertrude.

Wait a second.

If you looked
like Harry,

and Harry looked
like Gertrude,

then the three of you
kids looked alike.

Only when we was together.

Hi.

MIKE: Hi, honey.

The career woman is home.

How are you?

Would you like a piece of pie,
Gloria?

Maybe later.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

You're busy.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, hi, Lionel.
Come in.

BOTH: Hey, Lionel.
How are you?

My, don't you
look nice?

Are you going
somewheres?

Yep, going dancing.

Ain't that
a coincidence.

Linda's going
dancing too.

Hi, Linda.

Hi, Gloria. Hi, Lionel.
Did I keep you waiting?

No, just got here.

Let me help you.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh!

Anything wrong, Ma?

No, but for some reason,

your father
just popped into my mind.

Oh, Linda, I've got
something for you.

Oh, I bet I know
what it is.

Oh, I knew it!

Look, everybody.

GLORIA: Oh,
that's a nice picture.

MIKE: That's
really nice, yeah.

What do you think,
Aunt Edith?

Oh, it's very nice!

Lionel's got his arm
around you, don't he?

When was this taken?

At the party we went to
last week at Trudy's,

remember?

That's where Linda
met Lionel.

Oh.

Well, excuse us,
everybody.

We ought to be going.
Come on, Linda.

Aunt Edith, would you please

put the picture
in the bedroom for me?

I'll put it in your suitcase
so you won't forget it.

Don't hide it. I like it.

Just put it
on top of the dresser.

Bye-bye, everybody.

MIKE:
Bye. Have fun.

I didn't know

Linda and Lionel
was dating.

Well, they're not
really dating, Ma.

They just like to go
dancing together.

Oh, I see.

What's the matter, Ma?

Oh, nothing.
It's just so strange.

I guess I'm not used to it.

You see, in my old neighborhood
where I was brought up,

we all had the same skin,

except some was clear
and some had bumps.

Ma, was your father
strict with you?

I mean, about who
you went out with?

Oh, yeah.

The boy had to be kind
and thoughtful and a gentleman.

How did Archie
ever pass that test?

Well, Daddy died
a year before I met Archie.

Ma, when you say

"Kind and thoughtful
and a gentleman,"

you're describing Lionel.

I am, ain't I?

Don't worry, Ma.

Daddy will be asleep
when Linda comes home,

and she's leaving tomorrow,
so he'll never know.

I hope so.

Well, I-- I better get
the dishes done.

Oh, now, Ma, you sit
right there and relax.

Michael's gonna
do the dishes.

What?

I'm only kidding,
Michael.

I'll help you.

All right, well,
we'll do them together.

Yeah, you wash
and I'll watch.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Fred.

Oh, fine.

[YELLING]
How is everybody in Baltimore?

No, no, Archie is out.

Wait a minute.
I think I hear him.

Wait a minute, yeah...

Archie,
it's your brother.

Huh?

Who's that? Freddy?

Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute.

Give me the phone.
Let me talk...

Hiya, Freddy there.

Archie here.

How's the boy? Yeah.

Oh, no, no, wait a minute,
don't tell me nothing.

I got one for you.

Listen to this one.

Why did the Irish farmer
spray booze on his vegetables?

You give up?

He wanted to raise
stewed tomatoes.

Yeah, I knew
you'd love it.

Huh? Linda?
Yeah, yeah, she's fine.

Wait a minute.
I'll put her on the line.

She ain't here, Archie.

Oh, where is she?

She went out.

Ah, Freddy, she
went out someplace.

What are you
talking about?

I'm looking after her.

I'm her Uncle Archie here.

Yeah, she's having
a wonderful time--

Edith, come here.

Tell Freddy she's having
a wonderful time.

[YELLING] She's having
a wonderful time.

Did you hear that, Fred?

Tell her what?

Oh, you're going to
meet her at the plane

in Baltimore.

Yeah, sure, fine, Freddy.

Yeah, nice talking to you.

He's a good father,
that guy.

A real good one.

Worrying about his kid

the way a good
father should.

Where is she, anyhow?

Out.

Well, it's nice to know
she had a little fun

while she was staying
with us here,

and it's also nice to have
a cute-looking relation

around the house
for a change,

not like them lulus

on your side
of the family.

Yeah, Archie.

Do you mind
if I sit down?

No, I don't mind, Archie.

Well, would you mind
getting out of my way?

Sure.

Get out of here!

Sheez.

It's like you were hit
with a brick or something.

What are you gawking at?

Go out and get me a can of beer.

Right away.

I can use some matches
here too, Edith.

They're right there
on the table, Archie.

No!

What do you mean, "No"?
Here they are.

Here you are, Arch--

Here you are,
Archie!

What is wrong with you?

I thought you'd like it
on this side

for a change.

Well, is it going to
taste better on this side?

I take my beer
always on this side here.

Jeez, I don't know
what's coming over you, Edith.

Sometimes I think
you're coming unwrapped.

Is that so, Archie?

Ain't that
interesting!

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

What is ailing you,
anyhow?

You ain't going through
that change thing again?

Because if it happens again,

you're going to the hospital
this time.

To hell with them
"groinecologists."

What is this?

It's a picture of some people.

Tell me who the people are.

Linda and Lionel.

Now, what are Linda and Lionel
doing in the picture?

They're sitting together--

Together on a couch!

I know that!
Stifle yourself!

They're sitting
together on a couch!

Mike, Gloria,
come quick!

Oh, this is the kind of fun

she's having
in our house, huh?

What's wrong?

What's all
the screaming about?

What's going on?

This... is going on.

And this is going on!

Jefferson, is that you?

Listen,
this is Archie Bunker here,

and I got to talk to you
right away.

No, no, no, I don't want
to hear nothing from you.

I got a lot of things
to say to you.

You get right over here!

Listen, Jefferson,
it's about Lionel,

and it's important.

You better haul it over here
"toute-dee-suite"!

Yeah!

Arch, why do you have to
fight with him tonight?

We got to get
some sleep.

Nobody's going to sleep
in this house

till we get this thing
cleared up.

Daddy!

For the millionth time,
there's nothing wrong

with Linda and Lionel
going out together.

Nothing wrong?

Try and make her father
believe that.

What the hell
am I talking about?

Try and make
me believe it!

Oh, come on, Daddy,
they were only going dancing.

Only dancing?

Wiggling and jiggling
up together like that?

No, Archie.

Archie, they don't dance
like that no more.

Sometimes they're so far apart

they don't look
like they're together.

Will you stifle yourself?

I'm telling you that whites
should only dance with whites.

You don't believe me?
Look at the movies.

Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rogers.

Gene Kelly
and Rita Hayworth.

Shirley Temple
and Bill Robinson.

That was before Shirley
was old enough to know

she was doing something wrong.

I guess that's when she started
dancing with George Murphy.

All right,
all I'm saying is

if God had intended

white people to dance
with colored people--

He'd have given us
rhythm too.

Get away
from me, you!

Daddy, the only hope
for this world

is for people
to come together.

Well, let them
come together

in some other family
up in the Bronx!

Oh, come on, Archie,
for Pete's sake.

They're only
dancing together.

Even if they were
making it, so what?

What are you saying?
"Making it!"

Don't you say a word
like that in this house.

What?

"Making it!" Shh!

Take a walk, will you?

Fine. It's obvious we're never
gonna get through to you.

Come on, Gloria.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be Mr. Jefferson.

I'll get that door.

Get away from here.

We'll go out the back,
all right?
All right.

You! Sit down
in your chair.

Keep your yap shut.

I didn't order you on the phone.
I ordered your brother.

Well, what you see
is what you get.

Well, I got something here
for you to see.

I want to know what your family
is going to do about him.

Well, I want to know

what your family is
going to do about her!

You ain't even the head
of your family.

Why didn't Lionel's father
come over here?

You don't want to know
the answer to that.

Yes, I do.

All right, he said

he ain't never stepped
into a h*nky's household

and he ain't about to start
at the bottom of the heap.

Jefferson, I don't like that!

He said you wouldn't like it.

What are you going to do
about that nephew of yours?

Never mind.

You tell your niece
to stop chasing Lionel.

Lionel's the one
doing the chasing around here,

and he's got to stop it.

You're damn right
it's got to stop.

We don't want Lionel
mixed up with no white girl.

You got some nerve--

Hey, what's all the yelling
about?

Hey, hey, hey!

Uncle Henry, what
are you doing here?

Lionel, you got to come home
this minute.

Where did you get that picture?
Your father found it.

I don't care
who found it--

All right,
pull the plug on that.

I want to see Lionel
right now out in the kitchen.

Lionel, you're
coming home with me.

Hold it, Jefferson.
This is my house.

I want to see him
in that kitchen.

He's my nephew
and he ain't gonna go.

Wait a minute.
All right, all right!

Be cool, Uncle Henry.
I'll be right back.

Let's go, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, let's go.

Linda,
when I'm finished out there,

I got a few things
to say to you here.

And you, Jefferson,
ain't invited.

Lionel, sit down.

I'm very disappointed
in you, Lionel.

And I thought you was
one of the good ones.

But I've been wrong.

I thought I was your friend.

I mean, I have you
into my house here,

and I mean through
the front door

as well as the back.

You sit here at my table,

you break bread with me,
all of that,

and then you go
and you do a thing like this?

Thank you very much, Lionel.

Are you talking
about me taking out Linda?

Yes!

Oh, you don't have to thank me
for that, Mr. Bunker.

I'd do it again,
but she's leaving tomorrow.

Lionel, let's cut
the funnies out, huh?

This is very serious.

You know what
I'm saying to you.

I'm saying

that youse guys ought
to stick with yourselves.

You mean guys
ought to stay with guys?

You know
what I'm talking about, Lionel.

I'm saying that whites
ought to stay with whites

and coloreds
ought to stay with coloreds.

Look, Mr. Bunker,

it's been a year and a half now

since we moved
into this neighborhood.

I was just then,

and I got a big kick
out of you and me

for a long time,

but I'm pushing now,
and I'm not getting

that big a kick out of it
anymore.

Put a lid on all of that.

No, no, wait, I'm not finished.

Now, we've been friends,
and we can go on being friends,

but when it comes
to black and white

and all the other
wonderful thoughts

you have in between,

put a lid on that, Archie.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Lionel.

What went on in there?

What did he say to you?

I got more
to say to you there.

I ain't got nothing more
to say to you except this:

It's your fault

for raising that boy
so submissive.

Don't you call
him "boy," Bunker!

I don't mean "boy" boy.

Wait a minute!

What's everybody
getting so upset about?

I mean, so Lionel
and I went dancing.

It's no big deal.

No big deal?

What would your father say
if he heard about this?

Well, Dad wouldn't mind.

What a terrible thing to say

about your father
and my brother!

It's true.

It ain't true!

I go out with anybody I want to.

Don't tell me that.

You don't go out
with no colored guys

when you live
in your father's house.

You don't know anything
about my father's house.

You haven't seen
Daddy for years.

Uncle Archie, four kids
have grown up in that house,

and he's changed.

He ain't changed!

Since he was years old,
he always wanted to be like me,

and he was like me,
and he's still like me!

He's not like you!

He doesn't care what color
a person's skin is,

and he's not
years old anymore.

Your father sounds like

a great guy, Linda.

He ain't so
great to me!

Now, listen,
you got a lot to learn, boy.

Boy, boy, boy, boy.

I don't mean "boy" boy.

Now, listen, Lionel,
this is important.

If they want to mix up
the races, let them.

But we're going
to keep ours pure.

No more of that cream
into the coffee, right?

Why don't you tell that
to Mr. Bunker?

You two got
a lot in common anyway.

Good night!

Hey, Lionel,

you better listen
to your uncle here.

It's the first time
I knew him

that he
made any sense.

Bunker, I got one thing
to say to you.

If you don't learn
to keep your mouth shut,

we ain't never gonna get rid
of the pollution.

I got something
to say to you,

and you better stick around
to hear it too.

You ain't getting away

before you hear the last word
I got to say to you.

Get out of my house!

Where is that chick?

Linda, get down here.
I want to talk to you.

I can't let that kid
out of my sight.

Archie, you don't
have to worry about her.

She knows where she's at.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, where have you been?

I was saying good night
to Lionel.

Well, now you
got a few things

to say to me,
young lady.

All I have to say to you,
Uncle Archie, is...

good night.

Oh, no, that ain't all.

That ain't all.

We're gonna have a little
talk, you and me.

Good night, Uncle Archie.

[GRUMBLES]

Archie--

Don't say
nothing to me!

You ain't got no control

over the goings-on
in this house.

"And I want to thank you

"for taking such good care
of my little girl.

Your brother, Fred."

Ain't that nice?

Your brother sounds
like a nice guy, Arch.

He's one member
of your family

I'd like to meet.

I'd like you
to meet him too.

I'd like you
to move in with him.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.