02x10 - The Insurance is Canceled

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

thank you.

What is it, ma?
It's a special delivery...

For Mr. and Mrs.
Archie bunker.

Ma, would you please tell me
how my soup tastes?

Mmm!
Delicious.

It just needs
a little less salt.

Thanks, ma.

Oh, my!
This is terrible!
Ma, what is it?

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. bunker,

"we regret to inform you...

That your home insurance
has been cancelled."

What?
Let me see that.

Wow.
How do you like that?

Comprehensive, fire, theft--
yeah, they cancelled it all.
Doesn't even say why.

Archie'll be so upset.

I don't know how
I'm gonna tell him.

I hope he's in a good mood
when he gets home.

Don't worry, ma.
I'll tell him.

I wanna tell youse all,
life can be lousy.

Maybe you'd better
tell him.

Don't ask me
how my day went.

You wouldn't wanna hear
the answer.

Get out of
the chair here, huh?

Hello, Edith.
How are ya? You're fine.
Thank you very much.

That's all the talk
I wanna hear out of ya
till further notice.

And a "dummy up, meathead"
to you.

Now, that takes care
of this here group.
Where's Gloria?

Well, she's in the kitchen
fixing dinner.

Now, hear this, all of youse,
and pass the word
to the kitchen.

I got a very
serious problem here.

It's gonna take
all of my thinkin'...

And all of my "consecration."

This is where I'm gonna
be doin' it, here.

Youse are all
gonna be helpin' me.
"How?" You may ask?

By keepin' your mouths shut.

I want youse all to synchronize
your tongues to silence.

Ready? Begin.

Archie,
here's something.

Was I talkin' too fast
for you, Edith?

Or were your ears
just too slow?
Stifle yourself!

But this letter--
lick it, stamp it
and mail it, Edith.

I got bigger fish to fly.

Now, get me a beer
without a glass.

And without another word.

Uh, arch--
dummy up!

[ Sighs ]

- Archie--
- are you lookin'
for an argument?

No, I just wanted
to talk to you.
Forget it!

All I ask of you
is complete silence.

Archie,
here's your beer.
Ohh!

The letter with
a beer chaser, huh, Edith?

What are you tryin'
to put over?
I think you'd better read it.

Edith, you can't put
your mind on two things
at the same time.

Your brain gets clogged.
It'll back up on ya.

And there ain't no draino
for the braino.
Take it out of here.

Well, here's your beer.
Now, wait a minute, Edith.
Hold it.

This ain't
my regular beer.
Well, you see,

that brand was on sale.

So what, Edith?
If there was a sale
on dirty socks,

would you buy them?

No.
No, because you know I ain't
got no use for dirty socks.

And I ain't got no use
for any beer except my own.

And I don't wanna talk
about socks and beer!

Would you like to talk
about this letter?

N-o!

Well, then I guess
I'll go help Gloria
fix the dinner.

That would be nice.

Uh, arch--
ain't you got nothin'
to do with yourself?

Well, I wanted to talk to you
about this problem.

I got a bigger problem
over here!

Oh. You wanna
talk to me about it?

I mean, there are certain things
a man only wants to discuss
with another man.

I mean,
if you have a problem,
maybe I can help you with it.

My problem is about work,

which you don't know
nothin' about.

Like you said, it's a man's
problem, and that's where
you get off the train.

Okay, forget it!
Forget it, all right?

Michael, what's the matter?
I tried to help him,
he kicked me right in the teeth.

Archie, what happened?
Daddy, what did you say
to Michael?

Don't bother him, Gloria.
Can't you see
he's got a big problem?

Somebody probably
stole a twinkie
out of his lunch box.

Funny.

Well, if you think
my havin' to fire a man
is a little problem--

oh, my.
Is that what's bothering you?

That's right, Edith.
I gotta fire
one of my men.

Why do you have to do
a thing like that?

Well, I don't know.
It's because of
this depression...

Or recession or whatever
they're callin' it.

Nixon calls it
"a recent upswing in
the economic picture."

Why don't we shove some food
in front of this pinko
and keep his mouth busy?

Let's eat.

That'll make us all
feel better.

Daddy,
when did all this happen?
Oh, just today.

The boss
sent the word down.

He wants one man fired,
and I gotta recommend who.

Why, that's an awful thing
to have to recommend.

Why don't you recommend
something else?

Because the boss don't want
something else, Edith.

I gotta give one of
my three men the ax.

Well, I got little Emmanuel,
the puerto rican guy
with the short leg,

I got black elmo,
the colored guy,

and... good old
stretch Cunningham.

- The dope.
- Stretch Cunningham
ain't no dope.

Archie, you said yourself
the guy's got an I.Q.
Of about one.

I know, I know,
but it's been lately goin' up.

Archie,
I.Q.S don't go up.

How do you know?
You don't work with the man.

I seen it goin' up.

Anyhow, bein' smart ain't
the most important thing
on this job.

The most important thing
is... dependability.

That's what it is.
You take black elmo.
I can't depend on the guy.

But you said he's never
missed a day of work
since he's been with you.

I can't depend on him
keepin' that up.

Then there's
little Emmanuel.

Besides havin' a gimpy leg,
he don't speak no good English.

How can you count on a guy
who don't speak no good English?

Archie, Emmanuel's
your quickest worker.
You're always saying that.

That's the trouble with him--
he's too quick.
[ Gloria ] What?

He always looks like
he's doin' more
than he really is.

What is he
really doing, Archie?

I don't know, Edith.
By the time I get around
to check up on him,

he's got it done.

Let's face it, daddy.

You're saying
Emmanuel and elmo
are your best men.

That's right. And
stretch Cunningham's incompetent
but he's white, so he stays.

Look, I couldn't fire
stretch Cunningham
even if I wanted to.

There's other
white guys down there,

and they'd m*rder me if
I done a thing like that.

You don't know how much
stretch means to them.

Oh, yes, I do.
White power.

- It don't mean
nothin' like that!
- What is it, then?

Well, for one thing,
the guys all love him...

Because he makes them laugh
and he'll do anything
for a laugh.

Like, one of them blue mondays
not long ago, everybody's
feelin' lousy, see?

So stretch goes outside,
he takes off all his clothes,

takes a bunch of raisins,
puts 'em in his belly button.

He can do that because
he's got the goin'-in kind.

Then he comes runnin' back
and he says,

"hey, look, everybody!
I'm a raisin cookie!"

That's funny!

Archie, if a black man or a
puerto rican did the same thing,
you'd call him stupid.

But stretch Cunningham's white,
so he's funny.

Ah, nuts to you!

You don't know how
these guys feel
unless you talk to them.

You don't know nothin'
about humor.

Anyway, I ain't made
my final decision yet,

so... why don't we talk
about somethin' else?

All right.

Your insurance
has been cancelled.

Read this.
My insurance
is cancelled?

Let me see--
oh, there's gotta be
a mistake, Edith.

I always paid
every single premium.

I ain't never once
put in a claim for nothin'.

Maybe that's why
they cancelled you.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Do you see
whose name is signed...

To the bottom
of these glad tidings?
Yeah.

Wendell hornsby.
Wendell hornsby.
Your idiot nephew!

The guy that
sold me this policy
in the first place!

The one I had
wasn't good enough.
Oh, no.

I had to scrap it
and buy another one
from this here jerk.

But he was just startin' out,
and he's family.

Your family, Edith,
not mine.

Your family don't even know
I'm alive, except when
they want something.

Seven years ago out of the blue,
Wendell's mother calls me up.

"Oh, hello, Uncle Archie.
How are ya?"

All of a sudden,
I'm elected to the family
as official patsy...

So I can be the first
customer for this guy
and buy his first policy.

And this is
my "thank you" note here--
cancelled!

But I'm sure
it's not his fault.

Yeah, arch. They don't start
cancellin' policies unless
they're payin' out too much.

Maybe there's been a lot
of fires in this area.

There's no fires
around here,

except when Jim mcnab set fire
to his Christmas tree
in the gutter...

And his crazy dog went out
and dragged it back
into the house.

This is your nephew, Edith,
and it's your fault.

Now, I want you to call
this Wendell on the phone
and tell him I wanna see him.

Now?
All right, Archie.
Yes, now.

Daddy, why don't you sit down
and eat your dinner?
'Cause I lost my appetite.

Arch, what are you gettin'
so upset about?

It's probably just a mistake.
If it's not, you know,

I think
it's kind of ironic.
To which?

I mean, think about it.

Insurance company's
cuttin' you off
for no good reason,

and tomorrow you're gonna
cut little Emmanuel off
for no good reason.

You don't know that.
I don't know that myself.

Oh, Archie,
from everything you've said--

what I say
ain't got nothin' to do
with what I think.

There's a lot of things
goin' on up here
that never come out my mouth.

Now, just get away
from me.
Wendell isn't home,

but I left a message for him
to call you back.

Well, he better
call me back.

Now, leave me alone,
huh, Edith?
I'm thinkin'.

About firing elmo
or little Emmanuel?

Yeah, Edith,
and about how to k*ll
your nephew Wendell.

Let's see.

Wendell is my sister's
husband's sister's son.

Then he's really
a distant relative.

Oh, yeah, he lives
way out in far rockaway.

Wendell's mother and I...

Used to play together
when we were little girls.

You know what we did?

Whenever we didn't have
any money for candy,
which was most of the time,

we'd go into the candy store
and start a fight.

Why, mom?
Oh, it wasn't a real fight.

Wendell's mother
would make-believe
she was hitting me,

and I would cry real loud.

And then Mr. Solomon,
the owner,

would give me a sweet
to make me stop cryin'.

And then we'd run out
on the sidewalk
and divide the candy.

Oh, ma.
Shame on you.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes,
he'd only give me one sour ball,

and that
would drive us crazy.

Hey, arch, did you do it?
Did I do it?
Did I do it?

That's a real polack question
if I ever heard one.

And I'll give you
a polack answer:
I don't know.

Edith.
How am I supposed to know
what you're talkin' about?

Can't you ask me
an intelligent question?
I didn't wanna confuse you.

Listen, meathead, any time
you ask me a straight question,
I'll give you a straight answer.

Okay. Did you fire
stretch Cunningham?

None of your damn business.

Archie, I'm glad
you're home early,

'cause Wendell called and says
he's comin' before dinner.
Yeah.

Before is good, because
if I had to face the bum
on a full stomach,

I'd probably "detergerate."

Well, Wendell said
to tell you that...

He couldn't stay long
'cause he's very busy.
[ Doorbell ringing ]

Sure. He's probably
cancellin' polices
all over town.

I'll get it.
You go tell Gloria
Wendell is here.

Hello, Wendell!
Aunt Edith, is that you?

I don't believe it.
Oh, you look beautiful.
Fantastic. Ravishing.

Thank you.
This guy's shovelin'
with two hands.

Is that Uncle Archie?

That is not Uncle Archie.
Yeah, that's Archie.

How does he do it,
aunt Edith?

How do you do it,
Uncle Archie? You're
the picture of health.

'Cause my health insurance
ain't been cancelled.

That's Archie, all right.
The same old sense of humor.

And this must be
little Andrea.

Gloria.
Yes.
Gloria.

And this is my husband,
Michael stivic.

Husband?
That means you're married.

Will you excuse me? I have to
go upstairs and wash my hair.
Of course.

And what beautiful hair
she has.

Aunt Edith,
I just can't get over--
come on, Wendell.

Quit grinding out
the baloney, huh?

Edith,
sit down someplace.

Listen, what's the meaning
of this here letter?

Oh, yes.
This is our form .
[ Doorbell ringing ]

Just sit down here,
huh?

And stop tellin' Edith
how gorgeous she is, 'cause
we all know you're lyin'.

What a sense of humor.
Hello, Archie.

I hope you don't mind,
but I had to see you.

Oh, hi, Emmanuel.

I don't mean to bother you,
but it's something important.
I have to talk to you about it.

Yeah, well, uh,
I'm kind of busy here--

who is it, Archie?

It's nobody, Edith.
It's little Emmanuel.

Little Emmanuel?
Well, come in!

I'm so glad to meet you.

Look, everybody,
it's little Emmanuel.

Won't you sit down?
Oh.

This is my son-in-law,
Michael stivic,
and my nephew--

come on. Come on.
Come on, Edith.

You ain't entertaining
the mayor of Puerto Rico here.

I think I know
what Emmanuel wants.

Uh, while we're in here busy
talkin' over something else,
Emmanuel,

you wouldn't mind
waitin' in the kitchen,
would ya?

No.
And I'll get you
a drink while you wait.

And then after that--

go ahead, sit down.
Take a load off your foot.

What do youse people
like to drink?
Pineapple juice?

Oh, no.

No, thank you.

I got a bowl
of cold rice in here.

No, nothing, nothing.
I got to go quick.

Yeah, all right.
Well, there's some coffee
over there.

Anytime you want it,
just help yourself, huh?

Archie, you did it!
I did what?

You fired
little Emmanuel.
I had to.

You could've fired
stretch Cunningham.

And get white guys
on the job sore as hell at me?
Get out of here.

Come on, arch. Why'd you have
to pick on little Emmanuel?
He's your best worker.

There's colored guys
and white guys
workin' down here.

He's the only puerto rican.
He'll never be missed.

Archie,
you left little Emmanuel
alone in the kitchen.

It's all right, Edith.
He ain't gonna steal nothin'.

Now, listen,
let's get this --

wait a minute.
What am I doin' here?
That's my chair.

Get out of there!
Sit down over there.

Now, start talkin'.
Well--

hold it.
Why are you breathin' on me?

I gotta breathe.
Breathe over there,
will ya?

I want
my insurance back.

Now, Archie, I'm afraid
it's not as simple as that.

You see,
this little code listing
up here in the corner...

Indicates you're
in what we call an h.R.N.

H.R.N.?
What's that?
A "high-risk neighborhood."

What is that?
Well, Uncle Archie--

now, let me make this
perfectly clear.

Where have I heard
that before?

Dummy up, you.

Go on. You were sayin'?
Your insurance
has not been cancelled.

It's been
economically terminated.

Wait a minute.
Don't terminatin' mean
the same thing as cancelled?

Yes, but economically terminated
is a much nicer term,

because it lets the client know
it's nothing he's done.

Archie--
excuse me.

Little Emmanuel is anxious
to speak to you.

Edith, can't you pour him
some coffee out there?

Yeah.
All right, Archie.

Now, I ain't got
all night, Wendell,
so give it to me straight.

Okay. Archie,

you are a victim
of area displacement.

What does that mean?

I think it means
you didn't get it straight.

Who asked you?

Now, Wendell,
give it to me straight,

or I punch you in the head.

Archie, you have
a fabulous sense of humor.

Archie, por favor?

Yeah, pour some more.

Now, come on, Wendell.
Okay.

I have a map in here
which I think will clear
everything up.

Yeah, well, we gotta get
everything cleared up.
May I put it over here?

Put it right down
on the table.
Archie, please.

All right,
take it easy, Emmanuel,
will ya?

You get your stuff out,
and I'm gonna talk
to this guy in the kitchen.

Get back in there.

Edith-- Edith,
what are you doin' here?

Go outside and sit
with your dopey nephew.

Right away, Archie.
Now, listen, Emmanuel.

I'm kind of rushed for time,
so, uh--

what do you want from me?
Well, I want to talk to you
about me getting fired.

Well, Emmanuel, uh,

it's this way, see.

You wasn't really fired.

No?
[ Shouting in Spanish ]

You mean I still have
my job?

Wait a minute, will ya?
Sit down a minute.
Yeah!

Don't kiss me no more!

No. I mean,
y-y-you ain't got your job,
Emmanuel.

I mean, you were what we call
in the business there,

um, unfortunately terminated.

What does that mean?

Well, it's kind of like--
Archie.

Why don't you tell him
the truth? It's kind of like
being fired, right?

Don't listen to
the college boy up here.
He don't know nothin'.

Yeah, but he's right.
I am fired.

And I help you. You know
that. Now, why can't you
not help me no more?

Well, gee, I mean,
I'd do anything I could,
Emmanuel,

but I just can't
do nothin' about it.

Archie, I'm ready
with the map out here.
Hold it.

Stay here, will you?
This is important, now.
I'm sorry, Emmanuel.

Don't give me
any arguments!

Archie, look at this!
Now, what do we got here?

Well, I think this'll
really explain everything.

This is a detailed sectional map
of the whole area.

Your neighborhood now extends
all the way down
to the river here,

where a lot of, uh,
well, high-risk people live.

Now, wait a minute.
What are you talkin' about,
the coloreds?

- Black people.
- Whatever.

We call them low income
socioeconomic groups.

Yeah, everybody
calls 'em somethin'.

Well, because they're officially
part of your area now,

we've had to terminate
all the insurance
in this neighborhood.

What are you tellin' me?
You're lumpin' me with them?

What have I got to do with
coloreds and puerto ricans?

It's got nothing to do
with that. But the boundary for
the high-risk neighborhood...

Runs right along here,
and here's your house.

My house is
right on the line.

Yes, which makes it
part of the h.R.N.

Now, if you only lived on
the other side of the line,

in this house or this one--
hold it!

This house right here
belongs to Jefferson,
and he's colored!

But you still live
in the colored neighborhood.

But this is
the colored guy!

But he lives in
a low-risk neighborhood.

- That's discrimination.
- That's discrimination!

That's
the insurance business.

Archie, can we talk now?
Wait a minute,
will you, Emmanuel?

Well, I really must
be going myself.

Uncle Archie, look,
I sympathize with you,

but I'm just one man
in one little office.

The decisions are made upstairs.
That's the way
the system operates.

What can I do about it?

You could do something about it
if you wanted to.
After all, your Edith's nephew.

Why couldn't you go up
to the president
and say somethin'?

Ain't you man enough
to do that?

I'm really very sorry.

Good night, all.

And that's
the end of that!

Archie?
Oh, Emmanuel, yeah.

Are you sure there's
nothing you can do?

Well, listen, Emmanuel.
I'm sorry to keep you
waitin' in there,

but you gotta
believe me, see.

I'd do somethin' for you,
but I can't. Listen.

I'm only a little man, see?
These decisions are made
by-by the big men.

Upstairs.
You know what I mean?

It's the system, Emmanuel.
See, it's the way
the system operates.

System?
Yeah.

Well, where do I go
to talk to this system?

Well, Emmanuel, you can't
talk to the system.

I mean, it ain't a person.
It's a-- it's--

I don't know what it is.

See?
All I know is that...

I'd like to help you, but--
but I can't, Emmanuel,

and I'm really very sorry.

You know something?

I feel sorry for you.
Huh?

How are you two guys
gonna do all that work?

There's three guys there.

No, there's two.
There's you and black elmo.

Stretch Cunningham's
still workin'.

You're not counting
stretch Cunningham, are you?

All he does
is tell jokes all day.
He don't do no work.

Mrs. bunker,
what time you serve dinner?

Well,
Archie likes his dinner
promptly at : .

Well, from now on,
you do not wait for him,

because he will be
promptly late every night.

: , : --
who knows?

Archie, I'll tell you,
with me no there,

I wouldn't want your job
for no money.

[ Laughing ]

Good night, everybody.
[ Edith ]
Good night.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Well, don't be lookin' at me!

Nothin' I can do about it.
Go on and go about
your business.

I don't understand
them people no more
than you do.

Geez, they're out of work,
and they laugh.

Oh, Archie.
There you are.

Oh, it's so late.

[ Sighs ]

Archie, I ain't never
seen you so tired.

[ Groans ]

You know
that stretch Cunningham?
Yeah.

He ain't so funny.

[ Man ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.