01x10 - Archie is Worried About His Job

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

oh, Archie.
It's : in the morning.

What are you doing up ?

I'm playin' musical
milk bottles here, Edith.

How come you got
three bottles here,
and between them all,

a man can't get one
full glass of milk ?

I-I guess it's because
we don't finish one bottle
all the way...

Before we open
the next.

I guess that must be it,
Edith.

You know,
it's the little things
that t*rture a person.

You haven't been
to sleep yet.

Even in bed,
you didn't sleep.
How did you know that ?

Because when you sleep,
you snore and kick,

and when it's very quiet
and I'm not gettin' hurt much,

I know you ain't asleep.

Is there something
on your mind ?

Edith, I just got
a little simple indigestion,
that's all.

Did you eat something
that didn't agree with you ?

Only your dinner, Edith.

I thought I heard
voices down here.
What's going on ?

"What's going on ?"

Your mother-in-law and me
are runnin' away together.

What's bugging you ?
I just never seen you up
this late, that's all.

Well, it don't need
no big explanation.

And shut that yap,
will you !

You just woke up,
and you ain't no breath
of spring, you know.

What's going on ?
How come everybody's up ?

Now, look at this.
Will you answer me.

Can't youse two get
a second pair of pajamas ?

Or would that destroy
something beautiful
in your marriage ?

I'm not even awake yet,
and he's picking.

Yeah, because
it ain't decent
going to bed that way.

- Archie, they're married.
- So are we married.

And we go to bed
fully dressed.

I told you
to shut that yap.

Hey, what's buggin' him ?
Somethin' bothering him ?

Oh, I thought so,
but he said no,

but I still think so.

My sandwich !

Well,
I don't want it now.

What's the matter,
Archie ?

There's gotta be
something on your mind.

Edith, there's nothin'
on my mind now,
absolutely nothin'.

[ Phone ringing ]
I'll get that. It'll get that.
I'll get that. Stay away.

[ Ringing ]

Hello, feeney.

Huh ? Now, wait a minute.
Who's this ?

No, no, no, no.
There ain't no Valerie here.

No, Mac, there ain't
no Mary Lou neither.

No, you see,
you got the wrong number.

Yeah, yeah. What ?

No, nobody in this house
wrote this number...

On the wall of the toilet
at the elks' club.

Dry yourself out, huh ?

Archie, are you expecting
a call at this late hour ?

Not necessarily.

But you said
something about feeney
when you answered.

Did you mean
Harry feeney ?

What's with
the third degree, huh ?

I told you, I ain't
expectin' no phone call.
[ Phone rings ]

I'll get that.
Keep away from there,
meathead !

Feeney ?

Oh, gee. No, buddy.
This ain't Mary Lou's brother.

Wait a minute.
Listen to me.
You're drunk, see ?

Your brain is soaked in booze,
and you don't know
what you're doing.

Don't call this number
no more tonight, will ya.

Go back to the toilet wall
and get yourself another number.

Why are youse all
staring at me, huh ?
Why don't youse go to bed ?

We can't go to bed
when you're troubled,
daddy.

We want to help you.
You wanna help me with
something that troubles me ?

Would you put something
on yourself and make
yourself respectable.

If that thing
was any shorter,
it'd be a scarf.

Come on, Gloria, let's go.
We get enough of that talk
during the day.

We don't have to listen
to it at night too.
Good night, daddy.

[ Edith ]
Good night.
Good night, mom.

Archie.

Would you get mad at me
if I was to ask you
something ?

Only if it was something
that makes me mad, Edith.

Are you worried
about your job ?

That makes me mad.

You are worried.

Tell me, what is it ?
Edith, it's nothing.

It's just that, uh,

well, the company announced
that they're having a percent
cutback in personnel.

That's all.
I think it's gonna hit
my department pretty hard.

Oh, Archie.

Hold it, hold it, Edith.
I ain't worried about it.

Take it easy.
You know me.

I could get another job
in ten minutes,
if it came to that.

It's just, uh, it's just
some of the other guys
I work with, that's all.

I'm worried about them.

Like there's little Emanuel.
He's puerto rican.

One leg is shorter
than the other.

I mean, who wants a spick
with a bum leg ?

And then you got elmo.

Fifty-six years of age,
black as the ace of spades.

I mean, there ain't many places
a guy like that can go.

Then you got
stretch Cunningham.

Well, he's white,
ain't he ?

Yeah, but with an I.Q.
Of about one.

These guys have been working
under me for a lot of years,
Edith.

It's them
that I'm worried about.

Well, what does Harry feeney
got to do with it ?

Harry feeney's
the night watchman, see.

Day after tomorrow they're
gonna come out with a list
of who gets the ax.

So tonight when feeney's
makin' his rounds,
punching his clocks,

he's gonna poke around
in the executive offices...

And try and get
the scoop first.

He's supposed to call me
here during the night.

And-and you're
staying up all night...

To find out about
little Emanuel and elmo ?

Yes, Edith.
Stretch Cunningham too.

[ Gloria ]
Ma ?
Yeah ?

Stifle yourself
about this to the kids.
Oh, sure.

What are youse
doing up again ?
We couldn't sleep.

I-I think I'd better
make a pot of coffee.

I'll help you, ma.

Ma ? Michael found
this newspaper clipping
on the bathroom floor.

I-it must have fallen out
of daddy's bathrobe.

It's about his company
cutting back personnel.

That's why he can't sleep
tonight, isn't it ?

Oh, yeah.

But you ain't supposed
to know about this.

Oh, I hope Mike
don't say nothin'.

Ah, don't worry, ma.
Michael understands.
He's very tactful.

What the hell
is that all about ?

Nothin'.
I was just lookin' at ya,
I was thinkin' about ya.

I was thinkin' about
how good you look.

No, seriously.
What are you, ,
years old ?

You don't look
a day over .

You know,
you're lucky, Archie.

This is the prime
of your life.

You are in the best years
of your life.

You-- you're strong.
You've got your health.

You're in great shape.

- Edith, you told 'em !
- What ?

You told 'em,
and I asked you not to !
Oh, no, Archie.

Honest, nobody
told me anything.
Edith. Edith.

I'd like to look as good
as you when I'm old--
older, older.

I meant older.
You see that ?

You're out of my sight
for one minute, and the tongue
is wagging the whole dog !

Daddy, it wasn't mom.
It was this newspaper clipping.

Give me that !
Michael and I aren't fools.
We can see you're worried.

Let me tell you something
for your own information.

It ain't myself
that I'm worried about.
Now, tell her, Edith.

Oh, no, no,
he ain't worried
about himself.

He's just worried
about poor little Emanuel
with the short leg...

And stretch Cunningham
and very black elmo.

That's right.

Even if I was
to lose my job,

which there ain't no chance
of that because I'm in so solid
with the bosses,

I could get another one
in about ten minutes.

So don't give me
the cow eyes, will ya ?

Just save your concern
for them that needs it.
Aw, come on, daddy.

No matter what's bothering you,
why can't you share it
with your own family ?

That's right, Archie.

Because a man don't bring
his problems home,
that's why.

Oh, I never heard
such old-fashioned garbage.

Thank heavens
that's not the way it is
with my marriage.

My husband's
not afraid to bring home
his troubles to me,

to cry in my lap
if he feels like it,

to weep in my arms.
Gloria.

Why, he's not ashamed
to show grief
if he feels it.

Gloria.
To kick his feet
and bang his hands.

Gloria, shut up.

Well, it's true.

Try telling her, "stifle."
She's heard that all her life.

It stops them cold
the first time.

I didn't mean to say
"shut up" to you,

but you wouldn't let me
get a word in.

I was goin' overboard ?
Yes, I would say so.

I'm sorry, Michael.
It's all right.
Don't worry.

[ Mike ]
It's okay.
Archie.

Isn't that nice,
the way they come
to an understanding ?

We could take a lesson
from them.

You need your sleep,
Edith.

[ Phone rings ]
[ Archie ]
I'll get that.

That's all right, daddy.
I'll get it.

Hello ?
Who do you want ?
Valerie ?

[ Breathy voice ]
She's busy right now.
This is Mary Lou.

Give me that !

Very funny.

Now I'm gonna have
this drunk on the phone
the whole night long.

Now, listen, Mac.
Now, wait a minute.

No, I ain't gonna put
Mary Lou back on the phone.

There ain't
no Mary Lou here !
Will you give up--

[ doorbell ringing ]
What the hell
is going on here ?

Doorbell's ringing
in the middle of the night,
I got a dipso on my phone !

This is a nightmare.

Oh, hi, Dave.
Hi, Mrs. bunker.

I noticed
all your lights on.
Everything okay ?

- Yeah, I guess so.
- Is that Dave the cop there ?

Come on in, Dave.
I got something here for you.

I got a dirty caller
on the line.

You take it.
Edith, come over here,
will ya.

I don't like it at all
that feeney ain't called.

I'm kinda worried.
Oh, Archie.

Could I get you some toast
and a cup of coffee ?

No, nothin' like that.

How 'bout
some poached eggs ?

Edith, the answer
to every problem
ain't somethin' to eat.

I couldn't hold nothin'
on my stomach anyhow.

Oh, Archie,
don't worry.

Even if worse
comes to worst,

remember our mothers
and fathers.

They lived through
the big depression,
and they made it.

I'll never forget
the way it hit my old man.

There he was,
a breadwinner all them years,

and then-- and then
just like that,

the paychecks,
they stopped coming.

Why ?
He was always asking,
"why ?"

And nobody could tell him.
It was awful.

Oh, yeah,
sure it was, Archie,

but look at you.

You came through it
real good.

Edith, gee,
I was only a kid.

My old man
never got over it.

Took the heart
right out of him.

And he wasn't all that old
neither, you know.

He was just about
my age now.
[ Dave hangs up phone ]

You won't have to worry
about that drunk calling
no more, Archie.

Thanks, Dave.
He's coming over here.
I gave him your address.

Coming over here ?

Sure, when he gets here,
I'll slap the cuffs on him.

Gonna be quite a night,
ain't it, huh ?

- You like being a cop,
don't you, Dave ?
- You want the truth ?

I love it.

Call me the fuzz, call me pig,
I really love it.

I can tell you why
in two words:
Job security.

Oh, jeez.

I better get
the coffee.

You know, when I was a kid,
my dad wanted me
to go into his business.

When he heard that I
was gonna become a cop,
he hated my guts.

- How'd you know that ?
- He told me, "Dave,
I hate your guts."

You know, I got four cousins,
all my age, guys with families,

all laid off
in the last year.

Who knows when they'll work
again ? With the economy the
way it is, it could be never.

But we civil servants--

♪ we just keep rolling ♪

♪ we keep on rolling ♪

Dave,
switch that off, huh ?

You ain't exactly
"jan feerce," you know.

[ Doorbell rings ]
That's him, Dave.
What do we do ?

Let him in and get him
started talkin',
then I'll nab him.

Go on.
I'll hide back here.
Okay. Shush.

Mrs. weidermeyer,
what are you doing up
at : in the morning ?

I'm a night person,
Mr. bunker.
I didn't know you were.

May I come in ?
Oh, you're all
night people.

Hello,
Mrs. weidermeyer.

Coffee's ready.

Oh, hello, Edith.
I didn't know you
were a night person too.

Hi, Clara.
What are you doing up
at this hour ?

I just came back
from a date.

A plumber
who likes widows.

He took me to a house party
in the Bronx.

Twelve people.
All the men were plumbers.

Anyway, I invited him
in to my house
for a cup of coffee,

but I'm all out of coffee.

Your lights were on,
so I thought maybe I
could borrow some.

Oh, Clara, I'm sorry.

I just made a pot
and I used it all up.

Why don't you ask him
over here for a cup ?

That'd be wonderful.
Hold it, hold it,
Mrs. weidermeyer.

I don't mind you being here
because you're a friend
of my wife's,

but I don't want strangers
running around the house
this time of night.

You understand ?
Oh, sure.

Clara, it's too bad
you can't have a cup
yourself.

- Actually, I can.
- What about the plumber ?

May I use your phone ?
I'll call and tell him.

Uh, the fact is,
Mrs. weidermeyer,

I'm expecting
a telephone call myself
at almost any moment,

and I'd like to keep
that line free.

I know what you mean.
Hello, Harold ?

Harold, this is Clara.
Thank you for answering
the telephone in my house.

Listen, Harold,
our date is over now.

I'm gonna stay here
with the neighbors
for a while,

so you go home.

I know you didn't
kiss me good night.

That's the way
the cookie crumples.

I don't like to slur
a whole race, but plumbers
sure are pushy.

Sit down, Clara,
and I'll pour you
some coffee.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Dave, there he is.

All set, arch.

Oh, Edith, there's a cop
in your living room !

Dummy up, will you !
We're trying to make
a pinch.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Pizza king.
Pizza king ?

That's what I said.

I've got a mozzarella,
and I got a sausage--
wait a minute, kid !

We didn't order
no pizza here.
I ordered it, arch.

You ordered a pizza ?
Do you hear that, Edith ?

This guy orders pizza
at : in the morning.

You got no control
over events in this house.
What is the matter with you ?

Come over here.
Listen.

Feeney ain't called yet,
and I'm scared that the news
is gonna be bad.

Oh, Archie, they say
no news is good news.

[ Doorbell rings ]
There he is.
Sit down there.

Now, don't say nothing,
Mrs. weidermeyer.

Dave, we're ready.
Dave ?

Put down that pizza
and come on, will ya !
All set, arch.

Get back up there
in your hiding place.

Hi, fella.

Come on in.
We're waitin' for you.

[ Laughing ]

Valerie !
Oh, Archie !

Mary Lou ?
He's talking dirty.
There it is, Dave !

Put them cuffs on him.
Hey, Dave.

I didn't see you
standing there.

Why didn't you say hello ?
I didn't want to butt in
while you was talkin', sir.

- Dave, do you know this lush ?
- He's my sergeant.

Your sergeant ?

What's going on here ?
Where's the party ?

There's no party, sarge.
Just a regular family.

Oh, no.
A real family ?

Oh, I feel rotten
about this.

It happens every time
I go out and I toast
a friend or two.

But it's
so self-destructive !

And I've made--
I've made such a spectacle
of myself !

I don't believe this.

I'll go.

But I hope you people won't
let this change your feelings
about the police.

Oh, no,
won't change my feelings
about the police.

Good boy, son.
Come on, sergeant.
We'll get some air.

Thanks a lot, Dave.

Okay, arch.

Ohh !

I think I'll go home now.
I think that would be
a very good idea.

Good night, Clara.
Good night, Edith.

You know,
I didn't understand...

One thing
that went on here.

Feeney ! I thought
you was gonna call me !
What are you doing here ?

Come on in, feeney.
Edith, here he is.

Say hello
to Harry feeney.

We was waiting
for you to call.

All right, tell us.
What do you know ?

First of all,
I couldn't call
any earlier.

You see,
as I make my rounds,
I have to stick my key...

In all these
different gizmos.

I have to get to them on time
because they register
when I've been there.

What about the list,
feeney ?
Just a minute.

If I get to one
of the gizmos too late--

most people
don't know this--

an alarm goes off
in the police station.

It's as if the gizmo
was saying, "Harry feeney's late
and something is wrong."

Feeney,
what did you find out ?

I'm trying to tell you.

Now, I only have
a certain amount of time
between gizmos.

When I'm making the rounds
of the executive offices,
I've got just minutes.

Thirteen minutes
isn't much time to look
through twenty offices...

For one piece of paper.

The first eight times around,
I never found it.

But the ninth time--
what about the ninth time ?

I found it.

It was on
vanderheusen's desk...

Under four unsigned letters
and a big, brass paperweight.

Feeney, spare me
the paperweight, huh ?
Heart-shaped.

All right, feeney.
Who got the ax ?

Well, they're cuttin' back
percent down the line,

just like they said,
Archie.

And they're knockin' off
three departments,
including yours.

Including Archie's ?
Right.

But they're keeping
the three department heads.

They're keeping
the three foremen.

[ Edith ]
That's you, Archie !

I knew it was gonna
be all right, daddy !
You had nothing to worry about.

Daddy,
I'm so happy for you.
Congratulations !

Get out of here !
What do you mean,
congratulations ?

Youse don't have to
congratulate me for nothin'.
There's nothin' happening to me.

You'd think I was Lazarus
rising from the bed.

What are you
standing there for ?

Go on upstairs.
Don't be bothering me.

What's the matter, Archie ?
I thought you'd be happy
to hear the news.

He's worried about
little Emanuel and elmo.

No, Edith, I ain't worried
about nothin' or nobody.

So a couple of guys
get laid off. They'll find
something in a day or so.

I want to tell youse all
something about this
good old U.S. of a.

No man starves
in this great country...

If he's willing to
go out there and work.

Them that works, eats,
and we're gonna eat now.

Pizza. Go on,
get out of here !

Go on up to bed.
Feeney, sit down.
Here's the pizza.

Don't stand there.
Go on in the kitchen
and bring out some beers.

Dig in, feeney.
Oh-ho-ho-ho !

[ Sighs ]
Archie, here's your bicarb.

All right, Edith.
Leave it there, huh ?

Why did you let
that son-in-law of yours
bring pizza...

Into this house
at : in the morning ?

He was hungry, Archie.

And then on top of that,
you give me beer to drink.

You asked for it.

Oh, Edith, there's times
I question your judgment.

Archie, it's :
in the morning.

You better take a shower
and get to work.

What do you mean ?
I can't take this stomach
to work with me, Edith.

You're gonna have to
call in for me.
I ain't goin'.

Archie, you could
lose your job.

Oh, Edith, as solid
as I am with the bosses ?
What are you talking about ?

I better go to work,
Edith.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family
was recorded on tape...

Before a live audience.