01x05 - Judging Books By Covers

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

Michael, could you
please help me ?
The can opener's stuck.

Sure, babe. That's enough
landmarks of economic thought
for one afternoon.

And could you help me
set the table too ? Roger
will be here in a few minutes.

Sure.
What's for lunch ?

You'll see,
and no grabbing
any samples.

There's only one thing
I wanna grab.

Michael !
[ Giggling ]

I just don't think
it's right, Archie.

Every time the church
has a charity drive,

I gotta say, "my husband
don't have any old clothes."
So ?

So, I've been tellin' them
that for years.

Listen, that's the trouble
with this country today.

There's too many handouts.

Every guy and his brother's
on welfare, which is the same
as pickin' my pocket.

Well, if they're gonna
pick my pocket, they ain't
gonna do it in my suit.

I didn't hear the substance,
but the tone tells me
to set this down easy,

mind my own business
and steal slowly
out of the room.

Hey.
Didn't make it.

Two seconds away from freedom.

If it's freedom from me
you're inferrin' there,

you'll notice I ain't got
no bars on that front door.

Archie, I'm makin' a joke.
Can't you take a joke ?

I can take--
I know. You can take
a joke with the best of them.

If you're gonna answer your
questions as well as ask them,
what do you need us for ?

You're a regular
one-man family.

All right, you two.
That's enough of that.
Michael, I need you.

Now, hold it, hold it.
Come here a minute.
Come here.

What is this here ?
"S.S. Pierce
fancy cashews" ?

What, are we gettin'
too classy for peanuts ?
Edith !

I got no problem with peanuts.

Daddy, will you
please stop it.

Those are for company,
and besides, they only
cost a few cents more.

"Cost a few cents more."
Edith, did you bring
these things into the house ?

Probably.
What do you mean,
"probably" ?

I mean probably I did.

Well, probably you did
could also mean
probably you didn't.

That's the way it is
with a word like "probably."
Right ?

Probably.
Dingbat !

What is all this, anyway ?
Whattaya got here ?
Is that whipped cream ?

It's clam dip.
Clam dip ?

What's this ? What kind
of fish is that ?
Smoked salmon.

Smoked salmon ?
I only get tuna fish
for my lunch.

Who you havin' here ?
The Duke of windsor ?
What difference would it make ?

Whoever it is, you're not
gonna like him. You don't
like anything about us.

You resent our attitudes,
our politics,
even the clothes we wear.

I don't think there's
one thing about us
you agree with.

I agree with that.

That don't answer the question.
Who's the big cheese
you're havin' here for lunch ?

Roger.
Roger, the fairy ?

All right, all right.
Let's not start--

did you hear that, Edith ?
You know who they're bringing
around here for lunch ?

Roger.
Sweetie pie Roger !

Would you
cut it out, huh ?

He's their friend,
Archie.
Listen, Edith.

We run
a decent home here,

and we don't need
any strange little birdies
flyin' in and out of it.

Daddy, you stop that.
Roger's not
a strange little birdie.

His pal Roger is as q*eer
as a four-dollar bill,
and he knows it.

That's not only cruel, daddy,
that's an outright lie.

You know something, Archie,
just because a guy
is sensitive...

And he's an intellectual
and he wears glasses,
you make him out a q*eer.

I never said a guy
who wears glasses is a q*eer.

A guy who wears glasses
is a four eyes. A guy
who is a f*g is a q*eer.

Mom, make him
stop talking like that.

Oh, dear,
I-I-I don't know.
Mom--

go ahead, Edith.
Now, answer the girl.

Now, you've seen Roger
sashaying around here
with his la-di-da talk.

He's a pansy.
I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know ?
I'm not an expert on flowers.

Archie, look.
You might as well face it.
You're all alone in this.

We all know Roger,
and we all know he's straight.

And even if he wasn't--
and I said if-- what
difference would that make ?

In many countries--
england, for instance--
there is a law...

That says whatever two
consenting adults do in private
is their own business.

Listen.
This ain't england.

We threw england
out of here a long time ago.

We don't want
no more part of england,
and for your information,

england
is a f*g country.

What ?
Certainly.

Ain't they still
pickin' handkerchiefs
out of their sleeve, huh ?

Ain't they still
standin' around,

leanin' on them
skinny umbrellas
like this here ?

I know this.
Their whole society is based
on a kind of a "fagdom."

Di-- yo-- yo--

you know,
you're right, Archie.
You're right.

The British are
a bunch of pansies.

Pansies, fairies
and sissies.

And the Japanese
are a race of midgets,

the Irish are boozers,
the Mexicans are bandits--

and you polacks
are meatheads.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

That's Roger.
Now, daddy,
please be good.

If I can't be good,
I'll be careful.

Gloria !
Hey, Mike, hi.

Nice to see you.
How was the trip ?
Nice to see you.

Fabulous ! Mike, it was
the most super trip.

In fact, it was
an absolutely stunning,

exhausting,
incredible experience !

Oh, when is he gonna land ?

Um, pardon me, Roger.
You know my mother.

Oh, yes. Mrs. bunker.
So nice to see you again.
How do you do, Roger ?

Really a pleasure.

And my father,
Mr. bunker.
Mr. bunker.

Yeah, how are ya ?
Uh, one hand's enough.

Roger, why don't you sit down,
make yourself comfortable,
and I'll get the hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, mom, Roger
brought us some snapshots
from his trip to Europe.

Oh, I like snapshots.

I always like
to think about everybody
standin' there in them.

You know, frozen-like ?

And then the next minute,
after the picture
has been snapped,

they're all off
and movin' again.

I like to think about
who they are...

And where
they're going,

right after the picture
is snapped.

You're a pip, you know that,
Edith ? You're a regular
edna St. Louis millay.

Here are
the hors d'oeuvres.
Oh.

Well, tell us
about Europe there,
Roger.

What kind of sports action
they got over there
this time of the year ?

I mean, they must have
things like skiin' there,
and bobsleddin'.

Bobsleddin'.
There's a manly sport.

Do you do any bobsleddin'
over there ?

Uh, well, no, sir.
There isn't too much of that
in London, I'm afraid.

That's where I spent
most of my time.

- Oh, London, huh ?
London, england, huh ?
- Yes.

Your witness.

Let's take a look
at those pictures.
Let me see what you got.

Wow.
Oh, wouldn't you know it.

The first one's
the cornball of all time.

The changing of the guard
at Buckingham Palace.
Oh, my !

- Look at those big hats.
- These are the gardens
at coventry.

Oh, what beautiful
flowers !

Aren't the colors vibrant ?
And you know,
they smelled heavenly.

He's off the ground again.

Here's the old standby.
Big Ben.

Oh, my, you can
almost hear it chime.

Look, it's : .

And one minute later,
after the picture
was snapped,

the hands
were moving again,

and it was
one minute after : .

Uh-- oh ! Oh.

This was a most
enchanting young person.

Boy or girl ?
A boy.

Why did I ask ?

He was selling
peace stickers there
in piccadilly circus.

Look at that expression !

And right after
you snapped the picture,
he was moving again.

And everybody behind him.
Yeah, they was
all movin', Edith !

I want to take a look
at this enchantin' young person.

Aren't you gonna be late
meeting Steve and the guys
at the tavern ?

Oh, I thought
I'd hang around
and hear about...

Some more of
the enchanting things
he done over there.

For instance,
uh, did he hunt ?

You know Roger
doesn't hunt. I don't
believe in it either.

Sometimes I got my doubts
about you too, Buster brown.

All right, Edith,
I'm going over
to kelcy's bar,

say hello to my friend,
Steve, and say hello
to some of the boys.

Nice seein' you too,
Roger.
Oh, my pleasure, Mr. bunker.

Whoopee.

Archie, maybe you
can bring back a pitcher
of kelcy's tap.

It'd go good
with their lunch.

Yeah, ma, Roger
and I'll pick it up later.

Uh, Archie, never mind.
Why don't you go and
have a nice afternoon.

Yeah, yeah, I know,
I know. It's been
a charmin' interlude.

Here. I made us some
little hot toddies.

And, oh, Roger,
have some fancy cashews.

Oh, thank you.
They're from
s.S. Pierce.

S.S. Pierce !
That's my favorite
kind of cashew.

Listen, guys, all I'm sayin'
is the right to strike...

Is in the constitution and in
the declaration of independence.

And all I'm saying, Barney,
there's a time and a place
for everything.

Wages go up, prices go up.
Right away, inflation.

Yeah, Steve is right.
It's what you call
your upward "spinal."

[ Laughing ]
The point
still is,

you can't tell an American
when he can go on strike
if he wants to.

America means
it's up to him.

America means it's
his God-given right, and
anything else is un-American.

Yeah, but your American workers
goin' on strike...

Is what makes
your kids' shoes
cost so much.

Not my kids' shoes.
Why not ?

'Cause we buy jap shoes.

He's got you there, Archie.
Yeah, at
the discount house.

Hey, speakin'
about imports,

you guys gotta go see
that Swedish picture
that just opened downtown.

[ Steve ] Oh, yeah ?
Wanda: How I
became a woman.

What a film !
Madon' !

Really somethin', huh ?
Oh, this Wanda's
got a built on her.

Yeah ? Yeah ?
She's a waitress, see ?

And the first time
you see her, she's leanin'
over the counter.

And I mean leanin'.
[ Chuckling ]

She can really act.

Yeah, but you gotta admit,
some of them foreign films,
they go too far, you know.

I mean, some of them,
they ain't nothin'
but sheer "pornograbby."

Yeah, yeah,
I know what you mean.

But this Wanda thing
has got what they call...

Some redeemin' "socialness."

Oh, yeah,
I heard of that.

That's where they give you
the same "pornograb,"

but they advertise
in the times
instead of the news.

[ Chuckling ]
Hey, kelcy. Put a head
on this, will ya ?

Anyway, you gotta go
see this Wanda.
I'm gonna go see it.

You don't have to
go to movies to see
your wandas, huh, Steve ?

I mean, you bachelors,
you got 'em comin' and goin'
like runnin' water, huh ?

Whatever you say, arch.
Come over
and sit down with me.

I want to ask you
some things.
Sure.

When you was playin' pro ball,
I mean, the game
was different then.

It was rougher,
it was tougher. It was
real guts football, huh ?

None of your two platoon
stuff and all that, huh ?

Oh, I don't know, arch.
It was a long time ago.

Yeah, but when you was playin'
against bronko nagurski--
no, no, no, no, no.

We never played
the bears.

Besides, I only
played two seasons.

Listen to this guy.
You only played two seasons.

You know how many people
never even played
one season ? Most.

What I mean is,
how do you keep yourself
in such great shape ?

Look at your shoulders
and all that.

Well, I work out every day,
jog two Miles every morning,

and, uh, archery.

Archery ?
Yeah, it's good for
the arms and the shoulders.

You mean with
a bow and arrow ?
Yeah.

Jeez, you know,
I never figured you
for no bow and arrow.

Hey, kelcy, let me have
a pitcherful there, will ya.

Hey, Mike.
Hey, you guys.
How ya doin' ?

Get a load of this.
My son-in-law and
his pal tinkerbell.

Excuse me,
will you, Mike.
Hey, Steve !

Hey, rog.
Hi, Mr. bunker.

Good to see you
again, kid.
Here, sit down.

Thank you,
but we're only
gonna be a minute.

I just got back from Europe,
and I wanted you to know
I got some beautiful sh*ts.

[ Steve ] Good. How did
the zoom lens work out ?
Fantastic.

The best lens
you ever sold me.
Next time you're in the shop,

there's a that's
great for portraits.

I'll come Thursday
and look at it.
Good to see you.

Nice to see you.
Arch, I'll flip you
for the beers.

Oh, no, not today, Steve.
Your money ain't no good
around here.

Uh, Mike, uh,
could I speak
with you for--

would, uh, you
excuse us, please, huh ?
Oh, sure. Sure.

Thanks.

Hey.

This, uh, kid
you come in with.

Is he straight ?
Oh, no.

Not you too.
Of course he is. Why ?

Well, the way him
and Steve there
were so buddy-buddy,

I thought maybe
he was a little, uh--

you know ?
What ?

Well, now,
don't get me wrong.
I don't mind Steve.

His camera store
is just down the street here.

He only comes in
for a drink once in a while
on his way home.

Besides, he don't, uh,
camp it up, you know ?

And he don't bring in
none of his friends.

Kelcy, are you trying
to tell me that Steve is--

I just wouldn't
want my place...

To become
no, uh, hangout.

Know what I mean ?
Huh ?

Gloria, this was
a delicious lunch.
Oh, thank you, Roger.

It was sweet of you
to come over today
and share your trip with us.

Don't be silly.
I loved it. It was like
reliving the whole experience.

The picture I like the best
was the one of the queen
passing by.

Oh, mom. That was
just her carriage.
You couldn't even see her.

I know, but she was inside,

sittin' there royal-like.

Maybe takin' a speck
out of her eye.

Hey, you know what
they got on at : ,
channel ?

They got a special on there.
Great fights of the century.

Jack dempsey, Joe Louis,
rocky marciano-- all of 'em.

Bring us over a beer here,
will ya, Edith.

Oh, you're still here,
are you, Roger ?

Uh, he was just
leaving, daddy.

Uh, yes. However, I'm happy
that I had the opportunity to
say good-bye to you again, sir.

Oh, well, if it means
that much to you, swell.

Unless of course you want
to sit here and watch
the fights with me.

Well, no, thank you, sir.
I don't care much
for pugilism.

Who's talkin' about pugilism ?
I asked you to watch the fights.

Fighting is not
my cup of tea, sir.

Oh, fighting's not
his cup of tea.
That's that then, huh ?

Uh, yeah.
Come on, rog.
Let's go.

Hey, Mike, uh, come here
a minute, will ya.
What ?

Why don't you
just open up a window.

We'll all watch him
fly out.

Thanks again.
Bye.
Uh, see ya, rog.

Hey, wanna watch
the fights, Mike ?
No, thanks.

What's the matter,
you sorehead ?

Just because I called
the turn on your friend
Roger-bell ?

Listen, Archie,
you make one more crack
about Roger--

or what ?
Well, never mind.

But I could tell you
something that could
shock you pretty good.

I been everywhere where
the grass grows green.

Nothing you're gonna show me
or tell me is gonna shock me.
Remember that.

I know something
that'd shock you, daddy.
I bet you can't do this thing.

Oh, yeah, come on.
Just try for a second.

Leave me alone.
I'm watchin'
the fights here.

There's a commercial on here.
It'd just take a second.

All right.
What do you got ?
Yeah.

What is this ?
Some kind of
practical joke.

No, no, no.
It's not a joke.
Gloria, show him.

Watch, daddy.
Take three steps
back from the wall.

Yeah.
One, two, three.

Then you put the chair
in front of you.

You bend over,
put your head
against the wall,

and you pick up the chair,
and ta-da.

That's it ?
That's it.

That's all there is.
It's just that men can't do it.

-Michael can't do it.
Show him, Michael.
-Yeah, watch this. Here you go.

Same thing, right ?
Three steps back
from the wall.

Chair in place,
head on the wall.

Pick up the chair.
Can't stand up.

Cannot stand up.
Can't get up.

What are you ta--
gimme the chair !
No. Go ahead.

Three steps back, right ?
Right.
One, two, three.

Yeah. Okay.
Put the chair there.

My head against the wall.
I lift up the chair.
Right.

Yeah, now stra--
straighten up !
I can't straighten up !

You didn't straighten up !
I know.
I just can't do it !

That's the thing.
Yeah, but I
straightened up.

What'd you do to the chair ?
I didn't do anything
to the chair.

You're a liar.
What'd he do to the chair ?

He didn't do anything.
Get over here
and watch me.

All I did
was the same thing.

It's the same chair
and the same wall.
One, two, three.

Gimme the chair !

One, two, three.
Put the chair there.
Right.

Yeah.
Yeah.
Head against the wall.

Pick it up.
[ Laughing ]

Don't hurt yourself, dad.
That's a trick chair !

- It's not a trick chair !
- If it ain't a trick chair,
any other chair will work.

Any chair.
Okay.
All right,
I'll get another chair.

Okay, ma.
One, two, three.

♪ Da-da ♪

♪ da-da ♪

if she can do it,
there's a trick to it,
and I ain't interested.

It's not a trick.
It's not a trick.

Women can do it,
and men can't.

You saw I couldn't do it.
It's just women
are built different.

I been aware of that
for some time.

No, I-I-I mean,
the pelvic construction
is such that--

oh, please don't draw me
no "diaphragms," huh ?

It's a dumb gag.
Where did you get it ?

Roger showed it to us.
Oh, Roger
showed it to you.

- Yeah, he brought it back
from england.
- Boy, I bet he can do it.

Let's not start
any of that again, huh ?

You told me that
a man can't do it.

If a man can't do it,
I would imagine
your friend Roger-bell can.

"Roger-bell," huh ?
"Roger-bell" ?

You wanna know
who could lift
that chair, Archie ?

I mean, not only
could he lift that chair,

but he could prance
and flit all over
this room with it.

Your friend Steve.

Michael.
My friend Steve ?

That's right, Archie,
and I wasn't gonna say it,
but it's true.

That big football player...

Is a flower ?

You are sick,
you know that ?
You need help !

Oh, now, daddy,
don't start in with--

no, no ! I've listened
to this guy around here
for ten months !

All his pinko stuff,
well, that's all right.

That's what they're
fillin' 'em up with
in the schools nowadays.

The clothes ?
Well, that's all right.

They take from one another.
One kid looks crummier
than the next.

Their wide-open sex
any time of the night or day
for no reason at all ?

All right, that's your
"submissive" society.

But when they goes besmearin'--
when they go besmearin' the name
of a great linebacker,

a second choice all-American--
a man, and I mean a real man,

then you might as well shut
the doors of this country
and hang out a sign:

"Closed. Owner gone nuts."

[ Steve ]
Good shot !
Get those hands up !

That-a-way !
Move that body !

[ All shouting ]

One shot ! Ahh !
Gotcha !

Keep the hands up.
That-a-boy.
Feint, jab.

[ Barney ]
Hit him
in the belly !

[ Steve ]
Hit him with a left !
Move that left !

That-a-boy.
Move it ! Yeah !
Come on !

Come on.
This is it.
The knockout.

No, no, the knockout's
in the tenth round.
This is the tenth round.

Here it comes !
Bang ! Pow !
[ Shouting ]

Hey, Steve.
Kelcy, I gotta go.

Where you goin' ?
Where you goin',
you guys ?

The old lady's
waitin' for me.
Okay, we'll see ya.

[ Kelcy ]
Thanks for stoppin' by.
That was some fight, huh ?

Great. You know
something, arch ?

I love those combinations.
Hey, hey !
Take it easy there !

The law says
them mitts of yours
are lethal weapons.

You're nuts, Archie.
I was a ballplayer,
not a fighter.

What's the difference ?
Look at the size of you.

Boy, the strength--
hey, do me a favor.

Let me try you once
with the arm.
Have another beer.

Come on, come on.
One time.
Forget it.

Are you serious ?
Certainly.
All right, go.

[ Shouts ]
Oh, gee !

Oh, beautiful !
Oh, gee.
Boy, what an arm !

Oh, my-- when I think
of what that dopey
son-in-law of mine said--

Mike still
buggin' you ?
Oh, well, I tell ya,

it's-- it's--
it ain't only him.

It's his whole generation.
Kelcy, bring us a couple
of beers over here.

Right, arch.
I mean,
they got no regard.

They got no respect
for the old institutions.
What institutions, Archie ?

Well, you know, like sports,
sportsmanship there.

Guts, g*ns-- the things
that separate the sexes,
you know what I mean ?

Yeah, I think I know
what you mean.
Yeah.

Here you go, guys.
Thanks. Uh, let me
ask you somethin' there.

How long you know this,
uh, this kid Roger
that was in with Mike ?

Oh, couple of years,
ever since he started
to come in the shop.

Couple of years.
Now, you're a man of the world.

Now, you must know
that this kid is kind of
a la-di-da, right ?

Is that what Mike
thinks of Roger ?

Oh, forget about
what Mike thinks. I can't
even tell you what he thinks.

Hey, put them glasses
over here. I wanna
go with you once more.

Go ahead.
Come on.
You're nuts.
All right.

Let me get even.
One more time.
Get it up there.

All right. Go !
[ Chuckling ]

What does
Mike think, arch ?
Ah, Mike. Jeez.

Well, for one thing,
he thinks that friend of his,
Roger, is straight.

And for another thing--

you're gonna wanna
bust him wide open
when I tell you this.

I don't know where
he gets these brainstorms,

but he thinks
that you're a--

jeez, I can't even
say it to you, Steve.

He's right, arch.
Huh ?

He's right.

You mean he's right
about his friend Roger.

About everything.

Aw, come on.
I mean--

if you wanna joke about it,
all right, but come on.

Get off it, huh, guy ?
Arch.

How long you known me ?
Ten, twelve years ?
Yeah.

In all that time,
did I ever mention a woman ?

What difference does that make ?
You're a bachelor.

So ?

I know, but bachelors are--
they're always actin'
kinda private.

Exactly.

Aw, come on, Steve.

I ain't the brightest guy
in the world.

You wanna put me on,
put me on, but don't
tell me that you--

I mean, look at you--
look at-- come on, will ya,
you big clown, you !

Get outta here !
Have it
your own way, arch.

The truth's in the eye
of the beholder anyway.
I'll see ya later, pal.

Well, if that's
the punch of a fruit--

nyah !

Watch. I'll do it again.
Look. Just pick it up
and then stand up.

Incredible.
It's amazing.
I can't believe--

I couldn't do that.
Men can't do that.
Isn't that wild ?

You try it, Jerry.

Here you go.
Three steps back.
Right.

Put the chair in.

[ Giggling ]
Do it again.
I don't believe that.

I thought you said a guy
couldn't do that ! I'm never
gonna trust youse two again !

Daddy, I'd like you
to meet my friend,
Jerry woodner.

Yeah,
how are ya ?

Well, how do you do,
Mr. bunker ?

Pleased to meet ya.

Nowadays you can't bet
on nothin'.

[ Archie ]
♪ boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ those were the days ♪

[ announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.