It's gonna hurt.
No, it won't,
honey. I promise.
Yes, it will.
It will hurt bad!
(EXCLAIMING) Mommy!
Gracie's just kidding.
Aren't you, Gracie?
(WHISPERING)
Yes. I'm kidding.
All right, we're going to do it on three.
You ready? One,
two...
Are you sure you're ready?
(MUMBLING) Daddy, just do it.
(CRYING)
(CHERYL EXCLAIMING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(FOOTBALL BLARING ON TV) Grab
him, grab him, grab him!
Come on! Nobody's
tackling out there.
Cheryl, don't bring
the boy in here.
I don't want him to see
the Bears like this.
Honey, I thought you were
coming to church with us today.
No. God needs me here!
Daddy, does God like the Bears?
(SIGHS) Not like he used to.
Good morning.
Hey!
Jim, you're wearing your fancy
boxers to church today?
Oh, you're just mad because I
can look so fine for a buck .
Oh, honey, come on.
I wish you'd come to church.
You're going to love
the new minister.
He's smart and funny.
He's a real regular guy.
She ain't lying, Tex.
This guy is the real deal.
You'd be crazy to miss...
Whoa! The Bears are on?
I thought they were
the late game.
No!
Andy, what are you doing?
I don't want to get Cheez
Doodles on my church pants.
Just come with us.
I swear, honey,
you're gonna thank us when
you meet the new reverend.
Cheryl, if God wanted me in church
right now, he would give me a sign.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
Touchdown, Philadelphia!
It's Philadelphia, ,
Bears, .
The Bears are getting k*lled!
Good for me, let's go.
The point is, how many of
us here really know God?
(WHISPERING) Andy, why
do you keep squirming?
I've got a Doodle in my pants.
Maybe the bigger
question here is,
how many of us would just pass
him by without so much as a nod?
I know this guy from somewhere.
I've seen him before
or something.
Reverend Pierson?
Yeah.
Pierson.
Pierson.
BOY: Come on.
(CHUCKLING)
Say your prayers, Pierson.
No, Jim, please.
Time out. Time out!
Time out?
There is no time out in dodgeball.
(BOYS LAUGHING CRUELLY)
(LAUGHING)
I mean, his lip was swollen
for like three weeks.
He looked like a bird.
And some jerk, I can't
remember who it was,
gave him the
nickname "Beaky."
(CHUCKLES) Beaky?
Yeah.
That's pretty funny.
Thanks.
Cheryl, hi, how are you? Hi.
Dana, how are you?
Hello.
Hi, kids. It's nice to
see you guys, as always.
That was quite a sermon.
Yeah, I think you talked a lot
of people out of hell today.
(LAUGHING) Ah.
You know, I've been
meaning to ask you
about the church's
toddler program.
You know, I feel like Kyle's been on the
waiting list for a really long time.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, I see.
And you think the waiting list is
for the other
people's children. Hmm?
(LAUGHS) I'm just joking.
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, actually, I heard there is an opening.
We'd love to have Kyle.
Oh, great.
I can't thank you enough. Sure.
You hit a minister
with a dodgeball.
(SCOFFS)
(SIGHS) Heap bad mojo.
If I were you, I'd go
over there and apologize.
For what? There are no
time outs in dodgeball.
No, I'm just gonna hang
here till it's time to go.
Jim.
Yeah, right here.
Hey!
Sorry. These arms are
too short to box with God.
Honey! Honey, I want you
to meet Reverend Pierson.
Revered Pierson,
this is my husband, Jim.
Jim, hi. It's nice
to finally meet you.
You know, we were starting to think
that Cheryl here was a single mom.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Nice to finally meet you, too.
I mean, because we've
never met before.
Right.
Right.
Reverend Pierson, we'd love to
have you over for dinner sometime.
Oh, well, that...
Oh, wait a second, you guys
aren't cannibals, are you?
I did some missionary
work in the Amazon.
I gotta ask that.
I'm sorry.
(LAUGHING)
Isn't he funny?
Well, yeah. But bear
in mind, we just met.
Listen, um,
can you talk to your boss
about getting the Bears
in the playoffs? Oh.
I don't think you have to
worry about the Bears.
Word is, they just came
back and won to .
I missed it?
Damn it!
Honey!
I mean...
No, damn it!
Oh, knock it off with
that four-man rush!
Your corners are man-up
on the receivers.
That is textbook, Shanahan!
Is there any way I could take that
part of your brain that loves football
and give it to Cheryl?
Yeah, but then she'd
also be repulsed by you.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Did you see that?
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) Great catch!
Cheryl, can you
get it? I'm sitting.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh!
Oh, no.
(STAMMERING) Reverend Pierson, I didn't expect...
I mean, welcome!
I was just in the
neighborhood greeting lepers.
(LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING) I'm just joking.
Is this a bad time?
Can I come in?
No, please, come in.
Great. Thank you.
This is just great. Come in!
Turn down the TV.
Get your Flights off the table.
Honey, go make sure
Daddy flushed.
Hey!
Look, everybody.
It's Reverend Pierson!
Yeah, it's good to see
you for the second time.
Right.
Honey, get the man a chilidog.
Jim, Reverend doesn't
want a chilidog.
You know, actually,
I would love a chilidog.
You know what they say about
ministers who eat chilidogs?
They have to sit
in their own pew.
(LAUGHS)
JIM: Right on!
Well... Sit down. Sit down, Rev.
Sit down, please.
(EXHALES)
Well, you know, it's
really refreshing to see
people that don't take that whole "body
is a temple" thing too seriously.
Boy! Bears really
pulled it out today.
Oh, yeah.
Are you a football fan, Reverend?
Oh, yeah. I love football.
I love all sorts of sports.
Baseball, basketball, football.
(SNIFFS) Dodgeball.
Oh, sweet Mother of God!
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(SCOFFS)
Hey, you know what I think
is an underrated sport?
The one where the Scottish
guys throw the trees.
You know, I'd like to see that...
Okay, let's cut the crap, Jim.
You know who I am.
Yes.
Yes? Yes, what?
Yes, Beaky.
(EXCLAIMS) Beaky.
What a...
What a confidence builder
for an awkward -year-old boy confused
about the changes taking place in his body.
You know, it started as Beaky.
But then overnight it
changed to Freaky Beaky.
Kids are clever that way.
They like to build on a theme.
You know, nobody wanted to be
friends with Freaky Beaky.
Nobody wanted to
date Freaky Beaky.
And nobody wanted to
kiss Freaky Beaky.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, well, look at it now.
I mean, here we are years later,
laughing, eating chilidogs...
Life is funny, huh?
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Yeah, it's funny.
It's funny how you can be up there
preaching about love and forgiveness
and then see the person who
caused you so much humiliation.
And then suddenly, all that
anger starts to flood back in
until all you wanna do is just
jump down off that pulpit
and rip out his
still-beating heart.
Cheryl, how are you doing
on those chilidogs?
I will never forgive you for what
you did to me that day, Jim.
Never!
I think you have to.
You're a minister.
That's your job.
Yeah, you know, actually, I've
thought about that, and guess what?
I'm not gonna.
What?
You're gonna pay for
what you did to me, Jim.
How can you...
Oh! Look at this! Ah.
What a perfect Sunday treat. Mmm.
I put the cheese on in the shape of
a cross so you'd feel more at home.
(EXCLAIMS)
Mmm-hmm. Oh!
Delicioso. Even with the
vulgar religious symbolism there.
(CHUCKLING)
Well...
You know, I probably
should get going.
Okay. But this was really fun.
Maybe we'll make
this a weekly event.
Like hell you will.
Jim!
Oh, it's okay.
You know, I actually like a
strangely dark sense of humor.
(LAUGHS)
I don't get it, but I like it.
Okay, I'll see you guys
next week in church.
Okay.
Jim, you'll be there, right?
Fat chance, nutjob!
Where's the off switch
on this guy?
(ALL LAUGHING)
CHERYL: Bye, Reverend.
PIERSON: Okay.
Thanks for stopping by.
(LAUGHING)
"Fat chance, nutjob"?
Well, I don't understand, why would you
hit him if he called the time out?
(SIGHING)
There are no time outs in dodgeball.
I told you that.
Well, still, you
shouldn't have hit him.
Well, maybe he could've
dodged the ball.
Time out.
Like my grandfather would call "time
out" on the beaches of Normandy.
Jim, he was there
on a bus tour in .
Honey, did you at least
try to talk to him?
Come on! He's weirder
than a five-dollar bill.
You know, the newer ones where
the Presidents have giant heads?
I'm telling you, this
guy is out to get me.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Jim!
He is.
Honey, he's a minister.
What do you think he's gonna do?
I don't know. Frogs, locusts.
They've got a bag of tricks, those guys.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, what's wrong
with this chili?
It's turkey chili.
It's begun.
Hello? Yeah,
this is she.
Oh, no. No, there
must be some mistake.
No, because, you see,
Reverend Pierson told me...
He did? Oh.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, bye.
(STAMMERING) What?
What's that? What?
That was the church.
(SIGHING)
Kyle just got kicked out
of the toddler program.
Thanks, Jim. Thanks for being
such a rotten little kid.
Come on, what's the big deal?
Kyle can pick his nose
and eat paste anywhere.
No, no. No, Jim.
This toddler program feeds
into Hillridge Preschool.
And kids from Hillridge get on the
list to Sacred Cross Academy,
which consistently places
graduates in Ivy League schools.
Cheryl, I think you're getting a
little ahead of yourself here.
I mean, come on, Kyle's
still crapping his pants.
Oh, I just can't believe this.
I worked so hard
to make this happen.
(TAPPING)
(STAMMERS)
This is one of those silences
where you want me to say, "I'm
gonna make it better," isn't it?
All right. I'll talk
to him next Sunday.
(EXCLAIMS) Thank you, honey.
All right.
Tell me where the rule book is.
What rule book?
You know, the religious one.
The Bible?
There are a lot of good stories in there
about compassion and forgiveness.
I'm gonna find every one of them
and cram them down his throat.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
I'll give you five bucks if
you touch that lady's hair.
(BABY COOING) Five bucks?
Five bucks just to touch it?
Good morning. Uh...
The first reading today comes
from Isaiah, Chapter , Verse .
(PIERSON CLEARING THROAT)
(KISSING)
(SIGHING)
I'm sorry, folks,
I can't go on. Um...
Jim, would you please stand?
Don't worry, honey.
I am prepared.
I read the whole thing,
even the Jewish part.
Jim and I went to
school together,
and, well, he injured me
during a dodgeball game,
even though I called
a time out.
There are no time
outs in dodgeball!
Says you!
Anyway, uh, I took my anger out on
his family, and that was wrong.
And, well, I've done a lot of
soul-searching this last week, and, um,
I still can't forgive him.
And a man of God
who can't forgive
is not a man of God at all.
(STAMMERS) So, I think it's
probably best for everybody here
if I just step down
as your pastor.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAN: What?
That's it.
We're out of here.
Jim! For God sakes,
say something.
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um...
Okay.
Let's have a show of hands here,
how many people believe that there
are no time outs in dodgeball?
Hey, Margie, I'll see you
at the bake sale. I...
Hey, don't shun me.
He did it!
(EXHALING)
Hey, girls.
Well, at least
you're still here.
We can't drive.
GRACIE: Daddy?
Hmm.
Why is everybody
mad at you this time?
Well, a long time ago I played
dodgeball with the Reverend Pierson.
I'm really good at dodgeball.
All the boys are afraid of her because
she aims for their boy parts.
You know, that's not nice, honey.
Although, very good strategy.
Anyway, I hit him
with the ball.
And I hurt him, a little bit.
And he's still mad at me.
I mean, I was just a kid, and
that's what kids do, I mean...
I can draw a star.
Where are you, Gracie?
You know, I was hit hundreds
of times by a dodgeball.
I never held a grudge.
I just threw the ball back.
He should do that.
What?
He should throw
the ball at you.
There's a ball
at the playground.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, honey.
I think it's just a little
more complicated than that.
I mean, we're both
grown men, and...
Do you think it would work?
Yeah, give the baby his bottle.
Hey.
If you're here about Kyle,
don't worry about it.
I've already put him back
in the toddler program.
Thanks.
You know, I would like to
settle our differences.
Okay, well, um, if we're dueling,
I'll choose Bibles at dawn.
What am I supposed
to do with this?
Nail me with it. Come on!
Come on, nail me with it!
Come on, Jim, that's like something
a six-year-old would come up with.
Well, go ahead
and hate me, all right?
But if everybody who hated
me quit their jobs,
this city would
grind to a halt.
(SIGHING)
Jim, I'm sorry, could
you please leave, okay?
(STAMMERS) I'm kind of
busy here, all right?
A man accumulates a lot of
memories in three weeks.
(SIGHING)
(STAMMERING) I've done some
thinking, too, in this last week.
And, um,
what I did was
probably as wrong as...
As you not knowing the rules.
Okay, come on.
I'm opening up here, man.
I'm doing my best.
You can come and at least meet
me seven-eighths of the way.
Well, keep going. I'm not sure
you've done your full eighth yet.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well,
I just wish that we could go back to
that moment and I could make it better.
So, you mean you
wouldn't hit me?
Well, no, I'd nail you.
But instead of laughing,
you know, I probably would've walked
over to you and helped you up,
and asked if you were okay.
Now, I know it's
years too late, but,
are you okay?
Yeah. I'm okay.
You don't wanna
really leave, do you?
I do love this congregation.
Oh, they love you too.
I mean, my wife, I've never seen
her more excited about a guy
who is not Russell Crowe.
You know, I actually
get that a lot.
I think it's the beard and the
shoulders, and the, uh...
...smoldering masculinity.
I think so.
(LAUGHING)
Please stay.
Okay.
Okay.
But I'm just doing it 'cause I want
to get close to your wife. That's...
I'm joking!
(EXCLAIMING)
(CHUCKLING)
(LAUGHING) Okay.
So I'm gonna see
you around, right?
Right.
Good.
(STAMMERING) You know, I...
I'm so used to calling you
Beaky that I never...
What is your real name?
First name.
Gaylord.
Ain't nothing to
make fun of there!
What? I wasn't going to do
it when you were looking.
Good game, huh?
Yeah.
(TV BLARING) Now, this
is Bears football.
(ALL AGREEING)
Hmm.
Boy, you know, you were right.
My pants are gonna be perfectly
clean for the : service.
Touchdown! Yeah!
ALL: (CHEERING) Yeah!