04x05 - Briscoe Declares for Aunt Bee

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

( tires screech Default )

Brisco Darling.

Well, howdy, Sheriff.

What's going on?

I got a call there's trouble down here.

Not of my makin'.

Well, what happened?

He refused to serve me and my boys.

What'd you do, cause trouble?

Just takin' normal safeguards

for eatin' in a strange place.

The boys here'll bear me out...

Ain't that right, boys?

There's a lot in what they say.

But I'd still like to know what you did.

Well, I... I wanted to sit in the kitchen

and watch 'em cook my meal.

Didn't you see the sign over the door that says "help only"?

Well, that's all I was trying to do.

Now it looks like me and the boys

are gonna have to go without supper.

Well, maybe we can do something about that.

You come over to the house and have supper with me.

Will that aunt of your'n let me sit in the kitchen

and watch her cook?

She'd be honored.

You know somethin', Sheriff?

That haircut of yours may be city style

but your heart was shaped in a bowl.

( banjo picking melody )

( mandolin repeats )

( banjo, mandolin dueling )

( playing faster and faster )

( mandolin plays "Yankee Doodle" )

( improvising on first melody )

( shave and a haircut... )

( two bits )

I declare! How do you move your fingers that fast?

Thank you, ma'am! Thank you!

Well, Mr. Darling, how was it?

Everything to your satisfaction?

Oh, that's as clean a cooking woman as I ever did see.

Aunt Bee believes that cleanliness

is next to godliness.

Neat and reverent:

That's a combination hard to come by.

It is!

Where's my jug?

AUNT BEE: Come on, boys!

Sit at the table.

Oh, come on, boys.

Come right on over here and set right down

and let's go to eatin' some of this supper.

You all just fill right in over there

where you can all stay together.

Come on up... Just set down.

Oh, Aunt Bee, those potatoes are

a picture no artist could paint.

Oh, flibberty-gibbet!

She can't stand to be bragged on.

A fine quality.

I like modesty in a human female being.

Opie, pass the bread to the boys.

Okay, Paw.

Have some pickles.

BRISCO: Thank ye.

ANDY: And some tomato here...

Mmm... salt here.

( shouts ): Bread!

( crash in kitchen )

What happened?

Mr. Darling put in a request

for additional bread, Aunt Bee.

Oh, didn't I yell loud enough?

Oh, you must be big eaters.

Oh, we're knowed as a family of hearty-eatin' men

and beautiful, delicate women, ma'am.

( chuckling )

Here, help yourself to potatoes, boys.

Ah, good.

( shouting ): 'Taters!

( banging in kitchen )

Uh, how about

when you want something

just tell me

and, and I'll tell Aunt Bee.

Oh, oh, that's a good idea.

Aunt Bee, we need more potatoes.

Sure does look good, don't it?

It does.

( shouts ): Meat!

Ope!

Aunt Bee'll see

what we need when she comes in.

I don't like for the boy

to raise his voice at the table.

Oh, you got to watch that.

You hear that, boys?

No yellin' at the table.

It'll take a while, but I'll learn 'em.

Have a potato, Ope?

Think you can eat all that?

You get some meat?

Oh, yeah, we got meat.

Somethin' restin' uneasy on your mind, ma'am?

No, no, I was just admiring your hearty appetite.

Bet it does your heart good to see a real eater at work.

Well, Andy and Opie are pretty good eaters.

Oh, here, you don't have any butter on your baked potato.

Oh, thank you, ma'am, for your kind attention.

There.

You all cookin' for yourselves,

now that Charlene's married, are you?

Oh, the boys, there, they been takin' turns.

But they're just about the worst cooks they is.

Just the other night, they cooked up about

the worst mess of grub I ever did see.

Oh? Hoot owl pie.

Perfectly good hoot owl, just plumb wasted.

That's a shame.

Oh, you poor man.

Here, have some more of my pot roast.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, do you like pearly onions?

Oh, they twang my buds.

Well, you don't have any.

There you are. Thank ye.

Thank you.

You know, it 'pears to me

like you're specializin' on me.

What about the sheriff and the boy here?

They ain't eat enough to keep a June bug alive.

Well, they have meals like this every day.

You're a special guest, Mr. Darling.

ANDY: That's right, Mr. Darling.

Don't worry about us.

You just dig in there and enjoy yourself.

ANDY: Come on, Mr. Darling, let's play off our supper!

Be right with ya.

Some more pie, Mr. Darling?

Ah, I'm ample, ma'am.

Three cuts of pie is my high water mark.

That woman's pantin' after me.

That's just the way they act

when they got their cap set for you.

ANDY: Come on, Mr. Darling!

What'll it be?

Hey, you pick it and I'll jug it.

Well, how 'bout, how 'bout

"Dirty Me, Dirty Me, I'm Disgusted with Myself."

That makes me cry.

Well, how 'bout "Doug's Tune"?

That's a good one.

One and a-two, and a-one and a-two...

( picking melody on guitar )

( other instruments join in )

( medium-tempo bluegrass song continues )

Oh, I enjoyed that!

I declare, I believe these boys

play better now than they ever did.

Gee, that was swell, Paw.

How 'bout playin' another?

"Gee, that was swell, Paw.

How 'bout playin' another?"

That's what I said!

That's what you always say.

How about you doin' something for a change?

Me?! Yeah.

Get up on this footstool here.

Aw, gee, Paw.

Come on, now, I'll do it with you.

Do "Dan Tucker." You do that real well.

( playing guitar intro )

♪ Went to town the other night ♪

♪ To hear a noise and to see a fight ♪

♪ All the people was jumpin' around, sayin' ♪

♪ "Old Dan Tucker's come to town" ♪

♪ Hey, get out the way for old Dan Tucker ♪

♪ He's too late to get his supper ♪

♪ Supper's over and dinner's cookin' ♪

♪ Old Dan Tucker just standin' there lookin' ♪

( guitar playing )

OPIE: ♪ Old Dan Tucker come to town ♪

♪ Ridin' a billy goat, leading a hound ♪

♪ Hound dog barked and the billy goat jumped ♪

♪ Throwed Dan Tucker right straddle of a stump ♪

♪ Hey, get out the way for old Dan Tucker ♪

♪ He's too late to get his supper ♪

♪ Supper's over and dinner's cookin' ♪

♪ Old Dan Tucker just standin' there lookin' ♪

♪ Get out the way for old Dan Tucker ♪

♪ He's too late to get his supper ♪

♪ Supper's over and dinner's cookin' ♪

♪ Old Dan Tucker just standin' there looking'. ♪

( guitar ends )

ANDY: Good! AUNT BEE: Good!

Now, you see, that wasn't near as bad

as you thought it was gonna be, was it?

How 'bout something from Miss Bee here?

Good idea!

Come on, Aunt Bee!

Oh, you sillies,

I don't know how to do anything.

Wait a minute, didn't you and Aunt Florence

used to do a recitation in duet?

Oh, I know, but that was family.

We're a family.

ANDY: We won't take no for an answer.

Come on, Aunt Bee!

Oh... Oh... Oh, all right.

Now you come right over here

and stand right in the middle of the floor there

and do it for us.

All right.

Well... ( clears throat )

This is "A Fading Flower of Forgotten Love,"

by Agnes Ellicott Strong.

"A rose I give to you

"This rose so fresh with fragrance rare

"Its petals bringing joy to you

"the fairest to the fair

"Oh, roses are like memories, they fade and pass above

"But you, dear heart, "will e'er remain

my fading flower of forgotten love."

Aw!

Agnes Ellicott Strong.

Good, good, extry good.

I'd almost forgotten it.

Miss Bee... I never dreamed

that anything so beautiful could be said to me.

What?

It was your heart talkin' to my heart.

Now my heart is answerin'.

Miss Bee... I'm declarin' for you.

ANDY: Wait a minute.

I want you to be my bride.

Ooh... Oh, good heavens.

I did no such thing!

I did not set my cap for you!

Now there you go, lettin' your head

talk for your heart.

Mr. Darling, Aunt Bee is a very hospitable woman.

She treats all her guests like she treated you.

You expect me to believe that?

Andy! Oh!

I'm just pluckin' a petal from the rose of your cheek.

Look, Mister...

Ope, don't you have some studying to do?

Okay, Paw.

Night, everybody.

Good night.

AUNT BEE: Good night, Ope.

Now look, Mr. Darling.

Ope!

Mr. Darling, you're takin' this thing all wrong.

Yeah? What about all that extra butter?

And all that fussin' about me gettin' plentiful?

She aimed that supper right at me and then...

shot me in the heart with that rose poetry.

I did no such thing!

You go right ahead.

You do all the protestin' that's expected of you.

But my declaration for you stands.

What with Charlene

gettin' married and all, I'm...

plannin' on takin' a woman.

Ma'am... this is your lucky day.

Oh, boy.

Glad to see you approve, Sheriff.

Miss Bee, you get your clothes

and your sewin'

and your potholders packed and...

I'll be by for you

first thang in the mornin'.

You will not!

Of all the nerve!

Look, Mr. Darling, Aunt Bee just fixed

a nice supper for you is all.

She didn't expect a proposal.

Now, she's right upset.

The best thing you can do

is just say good night.

Oh... movin' too fast for her, huh?

Well, I figure that since she quick-courted me,

she expected me to quick-court her right back!

I'll put on my square wheels,

so's things won't get to rollin' too fast.

Good night... ma'am.

Everybody on the truck.

Good night, Sheriff.

ANDY: Good night, Mr. Darling.

Good night, boys.

( banjo music starts up )

BRISCO: ♪ Low and lonely... ♪

♪ Sad and blue ♪

♪ Thinkin' only ♪

♪ Of little you ♪

♪ Always tryin' ♪

♪ To keep from cryin' ♪

♪ I'm low and lonely over you ♪

( mouthing ) ♪ Low and lonely ♪

♪ Sad and blue ♪

♪ Thinkin' only ♪

♪ Of little you ♪

( inaudible ) ♪ Always tryin' ♪

♪ To keep from cryin' ♪

♪ I'm low and lonely over you. ♪

Mr. Darling, you'll wake up the whole town

with this caterwaulin'!

Caterwaulin', ma'am?

I'll have you know

that this courtin' shivaree

is a lifelong custom of my people.

Well, to us, it's disturbing the peace.

Good night!

( slams )

( crickets chirping )

Well, she's...

playin' awful hard to get, boys.

I'm... gonna have to think this thing out.

Paw! She's gone, Paw! She's gone!

Wait a minute. Who's gone?

Aunt Bee. I went home for lunch

and she wasn't there!

Nothin' but this note on the table.

"She's with me. Brisco Darling."

That old buzzard!

You think he kidnapped her, Paw?

Well, I'm sure she didn't go up there

of her own free will.

What you gonna do, Paw?

I'm gonna go up there and get her.

You go over at Miss Modler's

and ask her to fix you lunch.

Aw, gee, Paw...!

Now, Ope, I ain't got time to argue with you.

But she'll feed me grits and prunes!

In Norway, the young'uns eat hardtack and raw fish.

I'll take grits and prunes.

( playing lively bluegrass music )

( music ends )

I bet you ain't never heard juggin' like that.

You'll be sorry you did this to me, Mr. Darling.

Andy will be here any minute and you'll all wind up in jail!

You mean he's agin you bein' the happiest woman in the world?

Oh! Really.

( car door shuts )

Thank heavens he's here.

Oh... I hope he brought his marryin' book.

Sheriff.

Aunt Bee, you all right?

Yes.

He ain't harmed you, has he?

Me, harm my beloved? No, no.

Andy, take me home now.

All right.

Mr. Darling, what's the matter with you?

You've gone too far.

Don't you know it's against the law

to kidnap somebody?

( sighs )

Come on, Aunt Bee.

N-Now hold on, Sheriff.

Uh, Miss Bee?

I don't think you realize what I'm offerin'.

For one, the love of Brisco Darling,

tiller of soil and feller of trees.

The constant devotion of my fun-lovin',

warm, and amusin' sons.

This sturdy, hand-built cabin,

with all its furnishin's and pure iron nails.

All this would be hers to do with as she sees fit.

And I said no!

Now, isn't that clear enough?

Come on, Aunt Bee. Sorry.

I ain't givin' up.

I'm gonna keep plightin' my troth

till she finally accepts me.

Now, look, Mr. Darling... No use talkin'!

I'm gonna plight from now till doomsday, if I gotta!

Uh, Mr. Darling,

why don't you just let me and Aunt Bee

step outside and talk about this a few minutes.

You do that.

Come on, Aunt Bee. Andy, you're not serious!

We'll just talk just a few minutes...

( inaudible )

Oh, Andy, I don't see

why you don't just arrest him!

Please, Aunt Bee, just try it this way.

Well?

Well, Andy and I had a little talk

and I expect I was a bit hasty, so...

We accept.

Did ya hear that, boys?

Yahoo!

Oh, Brisco!

E-Easy, Mr. Darling.

You might break her.

You're pretty strong, you know.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Ain't he strong, Aunt Bee?

Yes, he is.

Here, here.

Looky there!

Lawd... Ooh...!

Did you ever see anything like that?

A muscular sight to behold.

It really bugs when I lift somethin'.

Uh, watch this.

Get off'n there!

There you are!

She's a-buggin'!

Can you see it?

Well, the light in here isn't very good.

( grunts )

Well, then, I'll just take my arm outside.

You'll need the bed.

Oh, oh... so I will.

Grab ahold here, boys.

Just throw it on the floor there.

So, it was my muscular, physical qualities

that finally got to you, huh?

Raise it up there! Swing around!

Don't scratch the furniture now!

Now wait a minute... don't look at her yet.

Let the light get on it good.

( bedstead creaking )

There she is.

( gasps )

Wonderful, just wonderful!

Long as I got it there,

you might as well poke it with your fanger.

Oh! Oh, yes, oh...

You know, I have an idea.

What's that?

As long as we have the bed out here,

why don't we clean that part of the floor?

( clank )

Clean the floor?!

Well, we might want to dance later.

Oh... yeah.

Boys, there's work to be done.

Now, get on your old clothes.

Could I ask you somethin', Miss Bee?

Of course.

Three hours ago, I showed you my muscle.

Then I lifted the bed.

Next thing I know, all the appointments

have been moved outside, and we're

scrubbin' the house down.

Now how'd that happen?

Well, I made a request of you

and out of your deep affection for me,

you fulfilled it.

That what I did, Sheriff?

I'd say so.

May I see that muscle again?

No, you don't.

I'd end up whitewashin' the whole house.

Be patient, boys, wait your turn.

Ooh, boy...!

One at a time, each in his turn.

Share and share alike.

You go first, Brisco, as head of the family.

Take one and pass to the left.

No, no, no, no, put one on the plate

and pass the bowl to the left.

We don't do it that way here.

We do now.

Don't we?

( clears throat )

A lot, a lot warmer today

than it was yesterday, ain't it?

Warmer and more painful.

Ooh! That's my crazy bone!

No elbows on the table.

It ain't fair.

What isn't?

You hittin' first

and explainin' the rules later.

Napkins will go on the laps!

I spill on my shirt, I don't spill on my pants.

Well, nice people don't spill at all.

( mutters )

Well, for a happy marriage,

each must give a little.

Ow! Ow!

For a pretty woman that reads rose poetry,

you sure pack a mean spoon!

Don't you raise your voice at the table!

I'll raise my voice, I'll raise hogs,

I'll raise whatever I want to raise.

This is my table!

That tears it!

That just tears it!

Come on, come on, take me away.

What are you talkin' about?

Clap them handcuffs on me, I'm breachin' promise!

You're not!

Yes, I am!

This has gone just far enough.

I can take some manners

and I can take some cleanin' up

and I can take a bossy mouth,

but I ain't about to be

beat to death with no spoon!

I wouldn't worry about it, Mr. Darling.

If you don't say anything

about the breach of promise, I won't.

You're a fair man, Sheriff.

Oh, Sheriff...

Piece of advice?

If you ever do want to get her a man,

give her a good talkin'-to first.

She's been around you too long.

What do you mean?

She's got an awful lot of sheriff in her.

AUNT BEE: Brisco!

Come here just a minute!

She got a spoon in there with her?

( laughs gently )

I don't think so.

Ma'am?

Just one thing.

Thank you for wanting me.

Well, Miss Bee,

your kisses are awful nice and highly valuable,

but, to be perfectly honest with ya,

they just ain't worth the pain.