05x20 - Goober and the Art of Love

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Will you hurry up?

I'll be through in a minute.

I just got to send this
to the state police tonight.

Wish Barney and Thelma Lou
would get here.

We're gonna be late
for the movie.

Yeah.

Looks like a good one, too.
Yeah?

"Mayberry after midnight"
gives it / clovers.

No kidding.

Mm-hmm.

"'The house without windows'"

"is the suspense comedy
of the year."

Your reporter guarantees

that you'll be rolling
in the aisle one minute

and under your seat the next.

Oh. Maybe we should've worn
our old clothes.

Maybe we should've.

Well, here we are. We should've.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Barn.

I hope we didn't
keep you waiting.

Hey, you ready to go, ange?

In a minute.

It's a scary one tonight, Helen.

Hope you can take it.

Her

remember the mummy picture?

You kidding?
I never moved a muscle.

Maybe that's 'cause you had
your eyes closed.

Hey, Barn, you seen the stamps?

They're right there
in the drawer, ain't they?

Come on.
I'll fix that for you.

Oh, would you, Helen?
Uh, I can't find them.

Well, it's right
here in the drawer.

I know where the stamps are.

Listen, after the picture,
let's go down to the lake

and kind of get lost down there.

Lost? You know...

You know what I mean.

You and Thelma Lou
and me and Helen,

we'll kind of separate.

Take it easy.
We'll have to play it by ear.

There. It's fine.

Thanks.
Better hurry, fellas.

The movie's going to start.

Right.

Okay, come on.

I'm kind of anxious
to see this one, aren't you?

Well, let's go.

Hey, everybody.

Oh. Hi, goober.

Hi, goober.

Where y'all goin'?

Well, we thought
we'd go to the movies.

Newspaper says
it's gonna be a good 'un...

/ clovers.

Yeah.
We read that.

Well, have a good time.

I might see you there.

Okay.

Yeah, well, let's go.

Would you like to go
with us, goober?

Oh, y'all don't need me.

Goober, you can go with us.

Oh, no. Y'all go ahead.

It's all right, goober.

If he don't want to come...

I'll come.

Well, let's, uh...Go.

Helen, Thelma Lou...
Goober.

Morning, Barn.

Morning.

Did you have a good time
last night, Andy?

I've had better.

Why don't you ask me
what kind of a time I had?

I can guess.
Go ahead and ask.

Oh, Barn...
Ask, ask, ask.

What kind of time did you have?

Rotten.

You asked, I told you.

Rotten, rotten, rotten.

I had a rotten time last night.

Well, I didn't have
too good a time.

Had a nice canoe ride...

Me and Helen and goober.

I know.

He told me

when he was walking
me and Thelma Lou home.

He stayed with us.

When I said good night
to Thelma Lou

I had to shake her hand...
And his!

Well, it's a problem.

I don't know what's the matter
with them girls.

Every time he comes around
looking pathetic,

why, they just invite him along

and then he hangs around and
hangs around and hangs around.

Well, I just been sitting
here studying about that.

You know, there
might be a solution.

What?

Well, maybe if goober
got himself a girl...

A girl

yeah.

If he had a girl, he wouldn't
have to be trailing along

after us all the time.

You know, Andy, that just
might be the solution.

Goober's got to get
himself a girl.

Goober, Andy and me
have been talking,

and we've decided
you've got to get a girl.

What Barney means, goober

is that you might enjoy yourself
more if you had a girl.

I mean, Barney's got a girl.
I got a girl.

All god's children got a girl.

That's right.

It might be nice, goober,

if you had a girl.

Well, an eligible bachelor
like yourself, goober,

there's probably
somebody already.

Isn't there somebody
that you like and admire?

Yeah.
Who is she?

Maureen O'Sullivan.

Who?

You know that girl
that plays Jane in "Tarzan"?

She sure can swim.

Uh, no, goober.

Actually, uh,
what we had in mind

was somebody from around here.

Isn't there somebody
from around here that you like?

Yeah.

Do you ever see her?

Yeah, when she
brings her car in.

Who is she, goob?

Lydia crosswaith.

Oh.
Lydia crosswaith.

Uh, you know
Lydia crosswaith, Barn.

Sure.
She's fine, goob.

Oh, yeah,
she's probably just dying

for you to ask her for a date.

You think so?

Oh, yeah.

I'd sure like to, but I wouldn't
know what to say to her.

Just act natural.

You talk to her when she brings
her car in here, don't you?

Yeah.
What do you talk about?

Her tires.
She's got bad tires.

Don't you talk
about anything else?

Well, she does have
an oil problem.

You never talked about anything
but her tires and her oil?

Ain't nothing else
wrong with her.

Is that how you act
towards girls, goober?

Don't you know anything?

You don't start off
by talking about cars.

Barney.

Now, goober, you agree
that you'd like to have a date.

Yeah.

And you believe Lydia crosswaith
is the one, right?

Yeah.
Good.

Call her up and ask her
for a date for tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah, get right with it.

Well, I wouldn't know
what to say on a date.

Oh, well, uh, uh...

You go up to her house
and you knock on the door,

and when she comes to the door,
you say hello.

Hello?

Could I just say hey?
'Cause I'm more used to that.

Hey.

Brother.

And then if you want
to talk about her car,

talk about her car.

And maybe that'll lead you
to talking about traveling.

You know, ask her
if she's been up to Raleigh.

You know, talk about
how hot it is up there

and how cool it is
down here, huh?

Andy, even high school kids
don't talk about the weather.

Barney.

And then after that,
talk about anything you want to.

You know, talk about...
Say her house looks nice.

Say that she looks nice.

And then by the end
of the evening

you ought to be
friendly enough to, uh...

Hold her hand.

Hallelujah.

Hold her hand?

Yeah, hold her hand.

Show her you like her.

Hold her hand.

Andy, I'm much obliged
to you for this.

And I sure hope it works out.

Oh, sure, it will, goober.
Sure, it will.

Now good luck
and don't forget to call her.

Right.

Okay.

Pathetic.

Hey...car...

Travel...raleigh.

Hey...

Car...

Travel...

Raleigh.

Hey, Lydia.

Hello, goober.

Won't you come in?

Won't you sit down?

A little windy out, isn't it?

Yeah.

How's your car?

It's... it's nice
to travel in a car,

especially up to Raleigh,

where it's cool up there
and hot down here.

That's a nice-looking dress.

Oh, thank you.

Your house looks real nice, too.

Oh, thank you.

Well, night.

Oh. Hi, goober.

Hey, Barn.

Hey, you'd better get going
for your date, hadn't you?

It's almost : .

I already been.

You were on your date already?

Yeah, and it sure went fast.

And I followed
all the directions.

Goober, you were on a date.

You weren't taking medicine.

I reckon I didn't do it right.

Maybe I ought to talk
to Andy again.

No, that ain't gonna help.

I guess I just wasn't cut out
for dating.

Now, don't panic.

I'll pull you through.

Must be some way

of getting through
to you on this thing.

If there was just some way
of fixing it up

so you could see how normal
people act with girls.

Hey!
How about you and Thelma Lou?

I could go along with y'all
and watch what you do.

Are you batty?!

How are you going
to learn anything

if I know you're
standing right there?

I wouldn't be acting natural.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Andy's over at Helen's
right now watching TV.

Now, he wouldn't know that...

Yeah.

Yeah. Come on, goob.

All right now, goober.

You just keep your mouth
shut, your eyes open

and you'll learn something.

Barn, Barn

they're coming.

Pipe down.
This ain't a ballpark.

How about a little adventure?

Fine.

See how he sits
real close to her?

You'd probably sit way
over at the other end.

Have to move two or three feet.

Might take you half the night.

He sure ain't giving her
much room.

He's not supposed to.

Look, Barn. Look.

All right, quiet, quiet.

See, he's making his move now.

Oh, that's smooth.

That's real smooth.

Notice how he don't call
attention to his arm?

Just floats it out there.

There's your a*t*matic reflex.

Why, it sure is something.

Just floats it out there.

Nothing to worry about.

Diversionary tactics.

Now where's the fox?

Saw it, Barn... floater.

Yeah.

Unless I miss my guess,

you've got yourself a kiss
coming up about now.

Barn, Barn.

Quiet, quiet.

They're doing it!
They're doing it!

Be quiet.

Attaboy, Andy!
Attaboy, Andy!

Come on, Andy!

Way to go!
Hey! Boy howdy!

Hey, way to go, Andy.

Beautiful.
You too, miss Helen.

Barney, what are you and goober
doing out here?

We was just...

We were in the neighborhood...

Now, it's not what
you think, ange.

Smooth, Andy,

the way you floated
that arm out there.

You, too, Helen.

Come on.

You sure you're not mad anymore?

I'm not mad.

You positive?

I'm positive.

You're still mad.
I can tell.

You keep it up and I'll get mad.

Is Helen mad?

She got over it.

You positive?

She did ask me to pick up
some blackout curtains.

Oh, that's very funny.

It just so happens this
whole thing was your idea.

My idea?!
Yeah, your idea.

You're the one that wanted
to get goober a girl.

What's that got to do

with you sneaking around
peeping into Helen's house?

Well, I did that for us!

Thanks to me, he's going out
with Lydia tonight.

He is?

Yeah. He learned
something after all.

Oh.

Well, good.

At least we can get
together with our girls

and be alone for a change.

Sure. I don't know
why we're arguing.

Actually, everything
turned out just fine.

In a way, the whole thing's
kind of gratifying.

Gratifying?

When you work with a man,

you shape him, you help him,
you mold him.

Then one day, it all pays off...
When he goes out there to solo.

Now, remember, Barn...
No giving signals.

No kicking under the table
or making faces.

Kid, when it comes to bridge,

I don't need to resort
to them antics.

Last time, I saw you twitching
your nose at Thelma Lou.

Sure, you did.
Sure, you did.

Well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well...

I believe you open the bidding,
ange.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Pass.

Oh, let's see.

Um, uh, one heart.

What's that?
What?

You scratch your heart, she says
"one heart." What's that?

I wasn't scratching my heart.
I was just scratching.

Just scratching? Uh-huh.
I don't want hearts.

Stop that. Stop that.
Stop that. Stop that.

Hearts isn't even what I want.
Go ahead, Helen.

Uh, pass.

Two hearts.

What?
Two hearts?

What's this?

That... I wasn't...

I just don't want to be
the dummy or something.

Oh, oh, would you
get that, please?

Oh, okay.

Thank you, Andy.

Barney!

Hey, Andy.
Hey, goober.

Thought you'd be over here.

Thought we'd drop by
and see you.

Say hey to Lydia.

Hey, Lydia.
Hello.

Coming over, she took my arm.

Swell.

Well, um, won't you come in?

Uh, Lydia, this is Helen
and Thelma Lou.

Thelma, Helen, this is Lydia.

Barney.

And everybody knows goober.

Hello, goober.

Hey.

Your house looks
real nice, Helen.

Thank you.

Sure looks different
on the inside.

Goober.

You look very...
Very nice, Lydia.

Thank you.

You look very nice
tonight, goober.

Thank you.

Your hair is dripping.

Lydia, wouldn't you
and goober like

to sit down on the couch?

Oh, no, we couldn't sit there.

That's for you and Andy.

That's the couch
I was telling you about.

Well, uh, make yourself at home.

Yeah. Sit
somewhere.

Sit, uh, here.

Thelma Lou.

Thank you.

Sit, Barn.

Lydia, would you care
for a pretzel?

No, thank you.

They lay on my chest.

I'm sorry.

Goober?

Yo.

Not much lays on hi chest.

What y'all doin' tonight?

We were playing bridge.

I always did want
to learn that game.

Six can't play bridge, goober.

Well, how about set-back
or go fish?

Want to play go fish, Lydia?

I don't gamble.

She don't gamble.

That's nice.

Never have to arrest you.

Well, we don't
have to play cards.

No.

Lydia, how's your family?

Fine.

Uh, is, uh...

Is your father still
with the lumber plant?

No.

Well, what's he doing?

Who?

Your father.

He's working.

Oh.

That's good.

Yeah, well, that's
absolutely right.

Absolutely right.

What's that?

Oh, about a man working.

Oh.

It's good for a man to work.

I believe in work.

Some people are against work,

but I've always felt
that if a man works

and he has pride in his work

well, there you've got
a man that...

Uh...

My father hates his job.

Why don't we just go some place?

Sure. Where do
you want to go?

There's a good movie
over in mt. Pilot

"the raiders of Tripoli."

Oh, yeah.

How about that?

I saw it.

She seen it.

Hey, I got it.

I got it.

We haven't been
bowling in a long time.

Let's go bowling.

I'd love it.

Good idea.

You bowl, Lydia?

I've done it.

Good, good, good.

Can't.
I have a bad back.

If I threw a ball,
I'd be in traction for a month.

Well, listen, everybody.

We're not being fair.

Why don't we let Lydia choose

what we're going to do?

You know, Helen's right.

What do you want to do, Lydia?

Anything.

Actually, why do we
have to go anywhere?

Can't we just
stay here and talk,

like we've been doing?

Uh...

Let's go for a drive.

Where?

Anywhere.
Just a drive around.

Oh, I don't know
about car rides.

I get carsick.

You can sit by the window.

Well, you can sit
by the window, Lydia.

Andy said it's all right.

Where am I going to sit?

I have to be near the window.

Could you move over
a little bit, Barn?

The door handle's
already in my side.

This just ain't gonna work.

One of you get in the front.

Go on, goob.

You're next to the door.

I'd like to sit
next to Thelma Lou.

What about me and Lydia?

What about you and Lydia?

One of you get in the front.

A lot you care.
You're up there with Helen.

We're not moving till one of you
gets in the front.

Are we all set?

Yeah. Let's
start driving.

You all right, Lydia?

Yes. Now that I'm
near the window.

Andy, it sure was nice
of you to go back

and get Lydia's hair ribbon.

Goober, would you tell her

to quit hanging her head
out the window like a dog?

We ought to tell him.

We ought to come
right out and tell him.

Barney, he's still
a friend of ours.

No sense in hurting
his feelings.

I'll straighten him out.
Don't jump on him.

If we start pussyfooting around,

he'll want to come
to that dance tonight.

Horn right in, dragging
that albatross with him.

He won't horn in.
I'll talk to him.

Let me do the talking.

I'll come right out
and tell him.

Hey, Andy. Barn.

Hi, goober.

Goober, from now on...

Barney.

Goober, uh...

About the dance tonight.

Sorry, Andy.
Can't make it.

Going over to Lydia's.
What?

That's right.

All dated up.

Oh. Well...Well,
that's great, goober.

That's great.
Isn't that wonderful?

It is wonderful.

And I sure want to thank you two

for all the help you give me.

Oh, it was nothing.
Nothing at all.

Hey, listen, want
to get off to a good start?

Yo.

Take her a box of candy.
Never fails.

Andy's right about that.

Since we got you started
on this in the first place,

it's only fair
that we buy the first box.

You don't have to do that, Andy.

You go over to downey's.

Get a big box
of assorted deluxe.

Take it right to her.

Oh, you don't have to...

Take it, take it.

Yeah, take it.

I'll settle with
you later, ange.

How can I ever thank you?

Listen, just having
you and Lydia together

by yourselves is thanks enough.

We'll see you, goob.

Well?
We did it.

Yeah.

Come on.

Well, isn't it nice
that goober is over

at Lydia's house tonight.

Real nice.

Let's go.

It's time for Freddie fleet
and his band with a beat.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, hey, goober.

Looked for you
at the courthouse.

Figured you'd be over here.

They're here all right, Lydia.
Come on in.

Hey, Lydia.
Hello.

Hello.

Thought you all would be
over at Lydia's.

Was.

Ate up that box of candy.

Wasn't nothing else left to do.

Y'all goin' to the dance?

Uh... well, we, uh,
we thought we might.

Mind if we come along?

Lydia don't dance.

But we can all sit around

and listen to music and talk.

Uh, well, shall we all
go out to the car

and find our places?

Do you mind if we walk?

I feel a little nauseous

from all that candy
we've been eating.

Nice going, Andy.

How old were you there?
.

Skinny young'un.
Skinny young'un.

Phew.

Hi, g*ng.

Dropped thel off.

Decided to make kind of
an early evening out of it.

Ahh.

You know, that wasn't
too bad a dance,

even with goober hanging around
like that.

How about that goober, anyways?

What are we gonna do
about him, ange?

Now is as good a time as any
to talk about it.

I don't know, Barn.

You know, he's really turning
into a problem,

the way he hangs around and
hangs around and hangs around.

What you kids been doing?

Uh, just sittin' around.

Uh, hey, Barney?

Helen and I thought that we
might go out to morelli's

and... and get a pizza.

Hey, why don't we do that?
Come on. Let's go.

Come on.
Come on.

You know what I'm gonna do,
Andy?

I'm gonna talk to goober.

I mean, I'm gonna lay it
right out for him and tell him,

because after all,
a pest is a pest is a pest...