05x01 - Opie Loves Helen

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Children, I want you to remember
that all these dances we do

are part of learning about
the people who came before us.

The community dance was a very
important part of pioneer life.

On Saturday night
when they'd finish working,

they'd gather
at the meeting hall,

and this was their form
of entertainment,

whether it was a waltz,
square dance, or whatever.

All right, dance groups,

shall we see how well
we can do with the waltz?

Oh, what is it, Opie?

Sharon isn't here today.

Oh, that's right.

Her brace got loose,
and she bit on it.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'll tell you what,
Opie... you dance with me.

All right, everybody
take their positions.

Fine, children.

That was fine, class...
Just fine.

Oh, you always complain!

All right, class, you have
your homework assignments.

Class dismissed.

Oh, yes, Opie?

Want me to scrub
your blackboard for you?

Oh, no, thank you, Opie.
It doesn't need it today.

Well, I could sharpen
your pencils.

Well, thank you
for offering, Opie,

but I haven't even used them.

You want me to wait
in case you do use 'em?

Oh, I'm going now myself, Opie.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Well, thank you, Opie.

Boy, if that ain't a picture.

What's that?

Your son and heir walking along

with Helen crump hand in hand.

Oh, yeah.
Must be coming home from school.

Yeah.

That's sweet.

Boy, things sure were different

when you and I went to school.

Remember?

Teachers and kids
were natural enemies then.

Yeah.

Hey, remember
Mrs. Von roeder?

Oh, the beast
of the fourth floor?

Beast of the fourth floor.

Remember when we put ink
in her thermos bottle?

Remember the tack on her chair?

Then we put that garter snake
in her desk drawer.

Yeah.

Boy, she sure was mean.

Well, anyway, it looks like
things have changed.

There's an entirely different
teacher/pupil relationship,

and I think
it's very encouraging.

I do, too.

It's a step in the right
direction,

I'll tell you that.

You know, that'd make it
real nice for you, too, ange.

What do you mean?

Helen and Opie walking along
together like that.

Oh.

Well, I mean,
in case you and Helen

ever decide
to take that big step.

Now, don't start that again.

Any plans?
No, not yet.

Well, you must've
talked about it.

Not really.
Come on, open up.

Barn, there's nothing to say.

You can tell a friend.

There's nothing to tell.

When are you two
getting married?

Barney!
It just seems to me

that after you've been
going with a girl

for over two years...

What about you and Thelma Lou?

What about me and Thelma Lou?

You've been going
with her for two years.

When you gonna get married?

What are you talking about?

Come on, open up.
There's nothing to open up about.

You can tell a friend.
When you gonna get married?

Is that all you can talk about?

Paw, can a boy go with a girl
who's older than he is?

Do they allow that?

Opie, why do you always
save stuff like that

for early in the morning?

Well, can he?

Well, there's no law against it.

Why, Sharon older than you are?

I'm not talking about Sharon.

You've got a new girl?

I'm not sure yet.

Hmm.

Well, I wouldn't say
age is real important.

If she likes you and you like
her, that's the main thing.

I think she likes me.
She smiles at me a lot.

Hmm.
Well, she likes you.

Eat.

What about her being older
than I am?

Well, I wouldn't let that
bother me.

I remember when I was
about your age,

I was trying to court
a little girl

named Barbara Edwards.

She was in the upper fifth
grade, and I was in the lower.

Now, I will admit
there was some talk,

but I didn't let it bother me.

What if she's older than that?

How much older?

I don't know.

With girls, it's hard to tell
how old they are.

Eat.

I don't reckon
you'd wanna tell me who it is.

Well, it's a secret.

Oh.

Paw?
Hmm?

How do I tell her I like her?

How did you tell Sharon
you liked her?

I didn't have to.
She knew it.

Oh.

Last term
when she told the teacher

the boys were the ones

that were making all the noise
on the playground,

I was the only boy
that didn't hit her.

And besides, I give her
my brand-new eraser.

Mm. Well, why don't you give
this girl an eraser?

Nah, I think I wanna get her
something real good. Huh.

I have cents saved up,

not counting pop bottles
aunt bee said I could take back.

That's a pile of money
to spend on a girl, ain't it?

Please, paw.

Well, go ahead if you want to.

The women will get it
anyway, I reckon.

Gee, thanks, paw.

cents?
Yeah.

Boy, cents...

That's a lot of money for a kid
to spend on a present.

Did you tell him it was okay?
Yeah.

I guess he's really got it
bad this time, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I suppose kids are
no different than grown-ups.

I remember I went overboard

with Thelma Lou
on her last birthday.

Did you get her something nice?

Nicest present I ever gave her.

Know what I did?

Hmm.

Took her out to dinner.

Took her out to dinner?

Well, yeah, you know
we usually go Dutch.

Took her to morelli's.

Oh, morelli's.
Yeah.

Huh?
Yeah.

Now, there's a place
to take a girl.

Out on the highway like that,
nice and secluded.

Red-checkered tablecloths.

Oh, yeah, fancy.
Fancy. Fancy.

You know, they'll let you
take a bottle in there.

You didn't, did you?
No.

What did you have to eat?

Had their deluxe special.

You know, you can hold it down
to $ . out there

if you don't have
the shrimp cocktail.

Did you have shrimp cocktail?

Well, no.

I told Thelma Lou, I said,
"let's not fill up."

The minestrone was delicious,
though. Phew!

Yeah, when that's made right,
that's really something.

And for the main dish,
pounded steak a la morelli.

Oh?

It's really pounded, too.

No question about it.

They got one of these
open kitchens,

and you can look right in there

and watch 'em pound it
right with your own eyes.

Oh, yeah... kind of see
what you're getting.

Yeah.

I tell you, Andy,
when that meal was finished,

I did something I rarely do.
What?

I sent my compliments
back to the chef.

I appreciate them things.

He kind of looked up from
his pounding and waved at me.

I'm gonna have to take Helen
over there one of these days.

Oh, she'd love it... love it.

It's not only the food, either.
It's the atmosphere.

You know, they got the candles
on the tables and the music.

They got a gypsy violinist
out there.

He must've played six or eight
songs standing over our table.

Of course, you got to slip him
a quarter.

Yeah, those fellas work on tips.

One thing about gypsies,
though... they're moody.

But the point
I'm trying to make is,

if our kids wanna splurge
on their girlfriends,

what do you expect?

They get it from us.

Thank you very much, and do come
back again, won't you?

Well, hello, Opie.
Hi.

If you're collecting
for red cross

I already gave last week.

No, I wanna buy a present.

Oh, something for aunt bee?

No, another lady.
Oh, I see.

Well, how much
do you want to spend?

cents.

Now, let me think.

Say, how about a nice
handkerchief, hmm?

Okay.

Look, isn't that a pretty one?
Gee, it's small.

Well, that's the way
ladies' handkerchiefs are, Opie,

although I do have
some larger ones.

Let me see.

Oh, yes.
Here it is.

How about this one?
That's larger.

Do you have any colored ones?

You don't like these.

Well, if you had
a blue one, maybe.

Blue. Blue.

I did see a blue...
Oh, here it is.

There.
There's a blue one.

Do you have any other colors?

I'll take this one.

Fine.

That'll be cents plus tax.

Oh, but I wanna spend
my whole cents.

My dear Opie,

my dear, dear Opie,

we are not going to find
something for exactly cents.

We just are not.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Well, do you have anything
for a little bit more?

Well, I do have something

that would make a very nice gift
for cents,

but that would be it.

cents.

I'll take it.
I'll be right back.

Opie, where are you going?

I have to go home
and drink three bottles of pop.

Ope?

How come you're not out playing?

Well, I've been busy.

Oh, I see
you bought your present.

Yeah. I'm not sure
she's gonna like it, though.

I expect she will.

I'd say you got
pretty good taste.

What did you get?

Gee, paw, do I have to
show it to you?

Come on, show me what you got.

Well, okay, I'll show it to you,

but I can't tell you
who it's for.

That's a secret.

Pretty package.
Maybe you better not open it.

It's okay.
I can fix it up again.

I bet I can guess.

What?

Jigsaw puzzle.

Mnh-mnh.

Box of fishhooks.

Nope.

Model airplane?
No.

Well, let's see what you got
your little friend.

There.

Opie, uh, who you planning
on giving these stockings to?

A lady.

Well, I figured that much.

Whoever it is,

I don't think stockings
is the right kind of gift.

Miss primrose said
any lady would like 'em.

Well, sure, sure,

but you got to know a person
real well

'fore you give 'em
anything like that.

And got to be older.

See, see, stockings is
personal... very personal.

You understand?

No.

Well...

Suppose you was to give
this young lady some candy

or some flowers.

That would be okay.

You know what I mean?

No, paw.

Opie, stockings is something
a lady wears.

Candy...
Well, everybody gives candy.

Candy's just something you eat.

Now, there's your difference
right there.

But what about stockings?

Well, Opie...
Stockings, uh...

Just take my word for it.

Uh, I'd rather you take
these stockings back.

I'd really just rather
you just take 'em back.

Now, I've got to get
on back to work.

I'm late as it is.

Sarah, get me
the bluebird diner, will you?

Hi, sweetie pie.

Oh, hello, frank.

Is juanita there?

Okay.

Nite? Barn.
How you doing?

Okay. Yeah.

Listen, I got a little
extra-special treat

in mind for tonight.

Drive-in movie at mount pilot.

Oh, I don't know what's playing.

What difference does it make?

Well, you know what I mean.

Come on.

Don't tell me
you don't know what I mean.

Yeah.
Of course you do.

Well, we were out there
once before.

Well, what time
you gonna get off?

Not till then?

Well, then, you won't have time
to go home and change clothes.

Well, that's all right.

You'll have to wear
your uniform.

You wear your uniform,
and I'll wear my uniform.

Uh, that's right,
: , uniform. Good-bye.

Hi, ope.
Your paw's not here.

That's okay.

Can I ask you something, Barney?

Sure.
What do you want to ask me?

You go with a lot of different
ladies, don't you?

Well, what makes you ask
a thing like that?

Don't you, Barney?

Well...

As a rule, I only go
with one girl at a time,

but I suppose you might say

I've covered a little ground
in my time. Why?

How do you say it when you want
to tell 'em that you like 'em?

Well, I think you ought to
talk to your paw

about a thing like that, ope.

I tried to,
but he didn't have the time,

and besides, there's some things
paw just don't understand.

Tell me,
what should I say to her?

Well...there's two ways
you can go about this thing.

One way is to play it hard
to get, if you know what I mean.

Well, I don't want to be
hard to get. I like her.

Oh, well, then you got to go
the other way...

You know, with sweet talk,
like with poetry and all that.

All right.

Kind of a sloppy way
of going about it,

but it usually works.

Do you know any poems?

Yeah, we learned some in school.

"I had a dog,
and his name was spot... "

no, no, no.

We learned another one, too.

"The boy stood
on the burning deck... "

no, that's not...

You see, it's-it's got to be
a poem

with... well, I mean,

it wouldn't have anything
to do with dogs

or a boy being brave
or anything like that.

Well, it's got to have
some romance in it.

It's got to be a poem with...
Well, you know...

Where you tell a girl how great
she is and everything.

They didn't teach us anything
like that yet.

They didn't, huh?
No.

Maybe we get that next term.

You think your girlfriend's
home right now? I think so.

Look, here's what we'll do.
You get her on the telephone.

I'll go in the back and see if
I can find that book of poems.

And you'll tell me what to say?

Right.

Miss Sarah?

Will you get me
miss crump, please?

Here it is.

Sure, I'll wait.

Her phone's busy.

Oh, uh, dynamite.

These things are just dynamite.

Are those what I should say,
Barney?

They sure are.

"Poems of romance"
by t. Jonathan osgood.

Now, this is real literature.

Oh, here's one I used
a couple of times.

Hello

uh, this is Opie.

Well, hello, Opie.
How are you?

What can I do for you?

Uh, I want to tell you
something.

"When you and I
are far apart..."

"When you and I
are far apart..."

"...i no longer live."

"...i no longer live."

"My heart is bursting
from within..."

"My heart is bursting
from within..."

"...with all my love
to give."

"...with all my love
to give."

Opie, what are you reading?

What is it?

It's a poem, and I bought
a present for you, too.

"Lovesick as... "

"lovesick as I am..."

"Lovesick as I am..."

Opie, that's enough.

Is there someone there with you?

Just a minute.

She wants to know
who's here with me.

Nobody.

Barney says nobody.

Opie, come over here right away.

I'd like to see you.

All right. Right away!
Guess what!

She wants me to come over
to her house right away.

Well, now, that's what I call
real action.

I told you these things
are surefire.

Gee, thanks, Barney.

Glad to do it, ope.

Glad to do it.

Sheriff's office.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Opie? He just left.

How'd you know he was here?

You?

You mean, he was talking to you?

Well, those are just some poems

that I happened to remember
from my childhood.

W-Well...

I-I thought was some kid
from school he was crazy about.

I figured I was
just helping him.

There's more to a child's
education than x , you know.

Well, I'm a little surprised
myself, frankly.

Well, goodbye to you, too.

Well, if it ain't
daddy longlegs.

What's that supposed to mean?

What's that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you
what it's supposed to mean.

It's about time you learned
how to handle your own son.

What are you talking about?

Well, if it don't bother you

that your own boy
is crazy about somebody

that's more than twice
his own age.

Well, then, I just...
I just don't...

Know anything.

Oh.

I know he's got a crush
on an older girl.

You do, huh?
Sure.

You don't even know
who she is, do you?

No. He wants
to keep it a secret.

Mm-hmm.
Well, brace yourself, buster.

It happens to be Helen.

Helen?

Helen crump.

Did he tell you that?

No, no, he didn't tell me.

No, I had to make a great big
fool out of myself to find out.

He had her on the telephone
there and I was helping him.

With this?

Well, that's not the issue.

That happened to be handy.

What kind of a father
are you anyways

that you don't even know
what your own boy is up to?

He told me you didn't have time
to talk to him.

Well, Barn, I'm sorry
you had to get involved.

Well, the child
needs somebody to turn to.

He's over there
at Helen's right now.

A kid falling in love
with his teacher.

"Poems of romance."

Well, what are you
gonna do about it?

Well, I suppose
I ought to go over there.

Yeah, that'd be a good idea.

Well, why don't you go on?

Okay. You want to
take patrol for me?

Sure, I'll take patrol.

Well, go, go, go!

If you ask me, the old
school system was better...

Where you grew up
hating your teacher.

It was a lot less complicated!

Well, it was very thoughtful
of you, Opie,

but, well,
I-I can't accept them.

Don't you like 'em?

It isn't that.
It's...

Oh, hello, Andy.
Helen.

Opie, I thought I told you
to take those stockings back.

Paw, you said
you'd rather I would.

You didn't say I had to.

I think we'd better
talk about this thing.

I have some things...
No, no, no, no, no.

You stay.

Uh, Opie,
miss crump is a fine person,

just a fine person,

and I can understand
you liking her a lot.

Yes?

But, ope,
the truth of the matter is,

miss crump is a little more
in line with my age.

As a matter
of fact, she's my girl.

You're kinda stepping
into my territory.

That's right.

She's my girl, like
Sharon McCall was your girl.

Gee, paw, I didn't know that.

I know you didn't, son.

I won't do anything
to break it up.

If she's your girl,
I just won't call her anymore.

Thanks.

You mean, you and miss crump
might get married some day?

Oh, I don't know.

We-we might.

Gee, paw, that's swell.

As long as she's in the family,

I don't care
if she's my wife or my mother.

That was very good, children.
That'll be all for today.

Well, it looks like
I got here just in time.

Sharon.

You want me to carry
your books for you?

No.
Why not?

Johnny Paul told me
you love miss crump.

That was yesterday when you were
getting your brace fixed.

Well, I couldn't help it.

You want to hear something?
What?

"When you and I are far apart,
I no longer live.

My heart is bursting from within
with all my love to give."

Do you want to go over
to my house and play stoopball?

Okay.

Well...

Looks like you're
left out in the cold.

I never was much good
at stoopball.

Mm.

Walk you home, miss crump?

Why, certainly, Andrew.