03x01 - Rainforest Schmainforest

[bunniefuu]

[South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison]

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, we have a special guest today, a woman recruiting young people [she walks to the group and smiles] for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame [she frowns], but please, give her your full attention. [to her] Go ahead.

Choir Teacher: Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [cheerfully] How are we all doing today?! [the kids' eyes wander] I can't hear you! I said, How are we all doing?! [Cartman farts]

Mr. Garrison: [angrily] Eric Cartman, you say "excuse me"!

Cartman: Okay.

Mr. Garrison: [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.

Choir Teacher: Children, we are a national choir called, "Getting g*y With Kids!" We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and you can be a part of it!

Kenny: (This sounds f*cking screwed) [the others laugh]

Mr. Garrison: Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to!! [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.

Choir Teacher: You see, we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir [Pip yawns and Bill notices. Clyde nods off] where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.

Choir Boy: [steps forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bolldozed every year?

Choir Girl: [steps forward] That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen [Kenny sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the rainforest. [smiles back at him. Kenny's in love - ahem, distracted. The camera stays on him]

Choir Teacher: So, who wants to join the fun??

Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?

Choir Teacher: Excuse me?

Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle: Shut up, fatass!

Stan: Choirs suck.

Mr. Garrison: Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! [sighs deeply and tells the choir teacher] Go ahead.

Choir Teacher: Well, uh, that's all, really. [the girl picks her nose, smiling at Kenny] So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Cartman: Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [the other kids laugh]

Mr. Garrison: All right, that does it!!

[Mr. Mackey's office. The kid in the blue aviator cap isn't sitting on the bench outside, as he usually is]

Mr. Mackey: [behind the door] I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! [The camera is now inside] You get sent here every day, Craig! [Oh. There he is]

Craig: I know.

Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?

Craig: …I don't know.

Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself?! [nothing] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh- [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?

Craig: No.

Mr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, mkay, and get your head straight, uh- [Craig does it again] There! You just flipped me off again!

Craig: No I didn't.

Mr. Mackey: Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, mkay?! Next! [Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. [Craig exits]

Kyle: Hey, Craig.

Eric: Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a b*tch!

Mr. Mackey: Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? "The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation-"

Stan: It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.

Mr. Mackey: Uh, young man, "Getting g*y With Kids" is not dumb, mkay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors.

Kyle: Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even really sing. They use prerecorded tapes.

Mr. Mackey: Well, guess what, boys? I think that "Getting g*y With Kids" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all four of you.

Stan: What?!

Kyle: You can't do that! [Cartman's jaw drops]

Kenny: (Woohoo!) [the boys look at him] (I mean, 'Oh.') [looks down]

Mr. Mackey: I think this will be very good for you [writes their names down]

Stan: But we don't even care about the rainforest.

Mr. Mackey: And that's exactly why you need to go!

Cartman: [drops down and pleads] Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.

[Kyle's house, some days later. The Get g*y With Kids bus pulls up to Kyle's house to pick up Kyle, Cartman, and Stan]

Sheila: Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back from the rainforest.

Choir Teacher: Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints.

Sheila: Oh, I didn't realize.

Choir Boy: Did you know that right now, bulldozers are tearing down thousands of acres of rainforest every day?

Cartman: [as he enters the bus] Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey ba*ls.

Stan: [As Sharon drags him to the bus] Please don't make me go on a choir tour, Mom, please!

Sharon: Stan, you should be excited. I would love to see the rainforest. Besides, your dad and I need some time alone. [tosses him into the bus]

Stan: Nooo-h*! [The door closes and the bus pulls away. Stan and Kyle look out the back window in dismay]

Choir Teacher: Okay, children, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest.

Cartman: Whoopee.

Choir Teacher: And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.

Cartman: Yeah, pretty much.

Choir Teacher: Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.

Choir Girl: [Kenny sits next to her] My name's Kelly.

Kenny: (My name's Kenny.)

Kelly: Lenny?

Kenny: (No, it's Kenny.)

Kelly: Johnny?

Kenny: (Kenny!)

Kelly: Oh. [looks away and picks her nose.]

Choir Girl: Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography.

Cartman: [hushed] The nightmare begins.

[The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It croses the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San José.]

Choir Teacher: Oh, look, children! I think we're entering San José, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [the kids move to their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!

Cartman: Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and crappy everything is!

Choir Teacher: Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S.

Cartman: Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off, and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!

Choir Teacher: Eric, sit down!

Cartman: [sits] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever. Right, Kenny? [Kenny looks at him angrily] Hey, maybe that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa Rican; that's why your family's so poor.

Kenny: [to Kelly] (Argh! That's just so untrue.)

Kelly: [picks her nose] Your family isn't poor? [picks her nose]

Cartman: Whoa, dude, look over there! [The bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him.] Wow! Costa Rican prostit*tes! Hey, look at the prostit*tes, you guys!

Redheaded prost*tute: [with heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?

Middle prost*tute: Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?

Cartman: Okay. [pretends] Kugheek! [grins]

Choir Teacher: Eric, SIT DOWN!

[the bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit]

Choir Teacher: Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-

Cartman: [rushing out] Oh my God, [covers his nose] it smells like a*s out here.

Choir Teacher: All right, that does it! [turns Cartman around] Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!

Cartman: [covers his nose again] I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like a*s.

Kelly: Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?

Kenny: [in bliss] (Uh-huh.) [Kelly picks her nose again]

Choir Teacher: You may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-

Cartman: I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!

Choir Teacher: Eric, will you please, please, just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?

Cartman: Why?

Choir Teacher: Because I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards if you do.

Cartman: Eh-heheh!

[inside the Capitol. All seem to be facing the President]

Choir Teacher: Well, it was a long trip, but the children are very excited to sing tomorrow.

El Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?

Choir Teacher: Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from… the United States?

El Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?

Choir Teacher: We're the group singing for the "Save The Rainforest" summit tomorrow? [her head is c*ck way to the left by now. El Presidente has no clue. Now the teacher is worried] Oh dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He should have been here by now. [faces the kids] Children, do any of you speak Spanish? [Cartman waves his left arm] Don't you dare! [the main door opens]

Mr. Mackey: [rushing in] Sorry I'm late.

Choir Teacher: Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't speak any Spanish.

Mr. Mackey: Oh, no problem. [to El Presidente and his men] Usted es choir de Estados Unidos, mbien?

El Presidente: ¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.

Choir Teacher: Yeess!

El Presidente: Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla. [Pablo appears]

Mr. Mackey: Uh, he says Pablo here will take you on a rainfoest tour.

Choir Teacher: Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your subjects outside. We have a special gift for you. The gift… uh-of song. [moves aside]

El Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?

[On the Capitol steps]

Choir Teacher: All right, children, Let's get in our rows quickly, so we can begin.

Kelly: [walks over to Kenny, her partner] Did you remember all the choreography, Lenny?

Kenny: (Yeah, I think so)

Choir Teacher: Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [chuckles and shrugs. The people just look. She presses the play button. The kids begin to dance to the music, in the key of D]

The Tape: [Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!

[Men sing] There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.

[Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain.

[Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore

[All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before!



[Chorus] Getting g*y With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of step now]

To spread the word and bring you cheer

Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!

Being an activist is totally g*y!



[Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,

[Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world!

[Man joins her] World!



[Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some members back as new partners]

Getting g*y With Kids is here!

To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!

Getting g*y With Kids is here!

Let's save the rainforest! It's totally g*y!

It's totally g*y!

[the kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and the subjects just walk away]



Choir Teacher: Great job, g*ng! You were really all over the place, Kyle.

Kyle: Thanks!

Cartman: I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm!

Kyle: f*ck off, Cartman!

Stan: No, dude! I think Cartman might actually be right.

Kyle: [alarmed] No! That's a stereotype.

Stan: Dude! Maybe you really don't have any rhythm. [Camera closes in on a stunned Kyle]

[Next day, the sun rises over a sea of cccccc, the canopy of the rainforest. The choir teacher and her group are touring with Pablo]

Pablo: This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.

Choir Teacher: Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!

Kyle: God-damn, it's hot out here!

Stan: [sees a branch] Aaah! Snake!

Kyle: No, dude. That's a branch.

Stan: Oh. [sees it again] Aaah! Snake!

Kyle: No. That's the same branch again.

Stan: Oh.

Pablo: [turns and stops the group] The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.

Cartman: [impatient] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We here this a million times back up in the States.

Pablo: Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [one sits in a tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.

Kelly: Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny? [takes a picture]

Cartman: [takes a branch and starts beating the monkey] Bad! Bad monkey! [it screams in pain]

Choir Teacher: Eric, what the heck are you doing?? [the monkey flees]

Cartman: [stops] I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say, "Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!" and I smack him on the head!

Pablo: And here is a three-toed sloth. [hangs from a branch with all four legs]

Cartman: [takes the branch and starts beating the sloth] It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!

Choir Teacher: [pulls him away] Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!

Cartman: [throws the branch at the sloth] Respect my authoritah!

Choir Teacher: Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't we, kids?!

Kids: YEAH!

Choir Boy: I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.

Kyle: What's the Yanogapa?

Choir Teacher: The Yanogapa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!

Cartman: [fed up, buries his face in his mitts] Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!

Stan: AAAAAAA! [hides behind a girl]

Choir Teacher: Stanley, what is it?

Stan: SNAAAKE! [all see and gasp]

Pablo: [standing next to the snake wrapped around a tree trunk] Oh, yes. Uhthis is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.

Stan: AAAAAAA! [runs farther back]

Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?

Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like? [Stan is hiding behind some foliage]

Stan: [lifts some away] I'm just a-scared of snakes.

Pablo: Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [the snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him]

Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls]

Agh.

Choir Teacher: [in horror] Oh my God!! [the snake starts swallowing Pablo]

Cartman: Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right!

Choir Teacher: [petrified] Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones come out of the snake's an*s]

Stan: Dude!

Kyle: My guess would be 'yes.'

Choir Teacher: Oh, no! God, no, no! [spins around] Don't panic, children

Cartman: [beats the snake, which turns and comes at him] Bad! That's a bad snay-ah! [hurries away, and the snake gives chase]

[The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir teacher now guides the group…]

Choir Teacher: Maybe we came from that way. [points to her left] No, nno. Let's try this way. [points to her right and moves that way]

Kelly: [walking behind Kenny] Benny? Do you think we're gonna be okay?

Kenny: [stops] (Look. Everything is fine.)

Kelly: That's good. Can I tell you something?

Kenny: (Okay.)

Kelly: I think I like you. [holds his shoulder]

Kenny: (Really?!)

Kelly: [releases] Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well.

Kenny: (Oh, that's great!)

Kelly: [looks away] No, that's not good.

Kenny: (That's not good?)

Kelly: No. See, if I start to like you too much, [looks away] I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends of the country. [looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again. [grabs him and gets emotional] And that would devastate me. [lets go] So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't, Lenny! [walks away]

Kenny: [pissed] (Aaaargh!)

Choir Teacher: Oh, children, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!

[The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover]

Choir Teacher: Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, kids. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?

A Boy: I'm not.

Choir Teacher: Who's not?!

A Boy: Me.

Kelly: Benny, will you hold my hand? [picks her nose. When she lowers her hand, Kenny grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to get emotionally attached, though.

Stan: Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!

Choir Teacher: No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley.

[Next day. The sun rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A maasive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an amphitheatre, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold]

El Presidente: [on stage] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles.) [the worker moves along]

Mr. Mackey: [approaching] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien? (Hello, El Presidente)

El Presidente: ¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. Is everything going okay?)

Mr. Mackey: Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um… ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine… You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)

El Presidente: ¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)

Mr. Mackey: Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, hmbien. (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night…)

El Presidente: ¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! (You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no darling little kids to sing to them?!)

Mr. Mackey: Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá- llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)

[At the same time, in the rainforest, the group rises and marches on]

Kyle: Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna die out here!

Kelly: We are?

Choir Teacher: Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us.

Kyle: Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your back.

Miss Stevens: Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [shows her backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]

Kyle: Um, no.

Miss Stevens: [panics] Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [the insect growls and falls silent. Miss Stevens returns] Oh-okay, children. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here. [sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [runs off]

Kyle: Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!

Kelly: Me, too! [the rest start to groan]

Miss Stevens: Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-

Kyle: [Kyle runs into an adult] Aaaaa! There's a dude here! [a soldier holding a shotgun]

Miss Stevens: Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. [giggles] Cah heh, can you help us?

Soldier: ¿Qué?

Cartman: [moves forward] Let me try, let me try. We are from America. A-me-ri-ca. [the soldier listens] We are lost and verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos. [rubs his belly]

Stan: I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. Supreme.

Cartman: Y taco.

Kyle: I want two tostadas and mild sauce.

Cartman: Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.

Miss Stevens: Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype. [the soldier points a way out with his thumb] Children, he wants us to follow him! Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal is over! [they leave]

[The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire bunker]

Stan: This doesn't look very safe.

Kyle: Yeah. I think we should get the hell out of here.

Miss Stevens: Now kids, let's be a bit more "open-minded." I read all about this in Newsweek; this is a "people's army." They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government. [addresses them with a lilt] Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?

People's Army Leader: [crisp] Who are you?!

Miss Stevens: Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [the soldiers just stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José? [no response] Um… [thinks] Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift.. Well, we have o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift… of song [she moves aside]

Kids: Honh. [she presses the play button, and the song plays. The kids begin to dance]

Miss Stevens: [through clenched teeth] Kyle, for the love of God, do the right choreography. [as the chorus nears, Kyle is still doing the wrong moves] Oh, Kyle, please! [the kids dance through the first line of the chorus…]

People's Army Leader: Enough! [the music stops]

Miss Stevens: Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts.

People's Army Leader: We're not getting g*y with any kids, okay?

Miss Stevens: Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone we could use?

People's Army Leader: Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. [the other men begin to laugh] Now, get out of here before we k*ll you!

Miss Stevens: [sullen] Is it because of the little Jewish boy's choreography?

Kyle: Hey!

People's Army Leader: [the soldier next to him c*ck his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers.

[two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, and b*ll*ts fly everywhere. The kids scream]

People's Army Leader: [waving the choir away] ¡Rapido, rapido! [Kenny steps in front of Kelly to shield her from any shots coming their way]

Miss Stevens: Run, children, run! [the choir moves out]

[Back in San José]

El Presidente: ¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)


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Mr. Mackey: No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente, estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)

[Back in the rainforest. The choir now walks along a river bank]

Miss Stevens: Hello?? Anybody?? Hellp??

Choir Boy: Wow, look at the pretty flower. [stops by to touch a huge yellow flower with blue support on a large cccccc stalk]

Miss Stevens: Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay? [before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor.]

Jake: Aaaah. Ugh, help!

Miss Stevens: [quakes] Ga-ow! [quickly grabs Jake's feet and pulls. The choir walks on]

Kelly: [pouting] I wanna go home! [Kenny stops and turns] I hate the rainforest!

Kenny: [walks up and puts his arm around her] (Oh, there, there now. There's nothing to be afraid of, dear.) [comforted, she smiles]

Kelly: [gushing] Oh Lenny, hold me. [moves away] No, I can't get attached. [pause, then moves closer] Oh, but I do like you.

Kenny: (Well, I like you-)

Kelly: [moves away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me.

Kenny: [pissed] (Oh, God damn it!)

[San José. The reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position]

Short Reporter: We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril.

Slim Reporter: That's right, Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the darling kids' choir, "Getting g*y With Kids," all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment.

[The rainforest. The terrain looks familiar…]

Miss Stevens: [the problems mount] Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [another large insect roars behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!

Cartman: [turns and walks back the way they came] I'm sick of this bullcrap! I'm not following this hippie around anymore.

Miss Stevens: Eric, where are you going?

Cartman: [stops] I'm going this way!

Miss Stevens: Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this way!

Cartman: Look: you can stay over here, but I'm going over here.

Miss Stevens: Young man, I have had it!!

Cartman: Nononono! You here, me here! Screw you guys, I'ma going home.

Miss Stevens: Good! You deserve to die, you little b*stard! [the others watch him leave] Eric, we have to stay together!

[Eric moves through the rainforest]

Cartman: God-damned stupid hippie activist! I should be home nestled in the couch with my Mr. Kitty right now watching Fat Abbot cartoons and eat- [finds himself at a clearing full of bulldozers moving wood around] Yes! I knew it! I'm saved! [rushes in]

[Back by the river]

Stan: Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.

Kyle: Yeah. It happened once before.

Miss Stevens: No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.

[At the clearing]

Cartman: [reaches the foreman] Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving to death!

Foreman: What are you doing here, little boy?

Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainfoest, and I need some food. I'm fading fast!

Foreman: Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! Where are all the others?

Cartman: Food! I have to have food! [falls on his face]

Foreman: Oh my God! Get this child some food, quick!

Cartman: [lifts his head] Chicken wings. [drops it]

Foreman: Chicken wings!

Cartman: [lifts his head] Medium spicy. [drops it]

[San José]

Crowd: Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!

El Presidente: La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)

Mr. Mackey: Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito mas de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)

El Presidente: Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos. [heads for center stage] (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Pollace Jokes.)

Mr. Mackey: Mbien.

El Presidente: [on the mike] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito? [the crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos. [seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito? Two. How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)

[In the rainforest, the choir keeps walking]

Miss Stevens: Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!

Stan Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of smoke is seen floating above the canopy]

Miss Stevens: Let's go, quickly! [they rush towards the column and find a small campfire]

Kyle: Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [the shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped dwarves surround them.]

Miss Stevens: Children, it's the Yanogapa. [to the dwarves] Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [the group is surrounded by spear-bearing Yanogapa men.]

Yanogapa 1: Damtilié?

Yanogapa 2: Damtilié?

Miss Stevens: [marveling as the Yanogapa start to dance] Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble… [realizes what their dance means] Run for your lives, children!

Stan: Holy crap! [all run]

Yanogapa: [giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!

Stan: [Damtilié!] Jesus Christ!

Stan: [Damtilié! Damtilié!] Run run ruuun! [Damtilié! A huge insect lands on her backpack and roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!

Kelly: [trips] Aaaaa! Lenny!

Kenny: [goes back for her] (I've gotcha. Let's go!) [they run, but end up in a bed of quicksand with the others]

Kyle: What the hell?

Stan: We're sinking.

Miss Stevens: It's quicksand, people! [the Yanogapa warriors leap with excitement. Damtilié…]

[The Yanogapa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a campfire… tied up individually]

Stan: All we ever heard growing up was, "Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!

Kyle: Yeah! Fragile my a*s!

Kelly: Larry, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care! [snuggles up to him]

Kenny: (Kelly, you said it!) [she tries to pick her nose, but the ropes won't let her]

[the Yanogapa men are apparently no different than other men. They have dressed Miss Stevens in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting "Damtilié"]

Miss Stevens: [put off] Okay. Just what the heck is going on here, people? [a giant Yanogapa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!

Kelly: Oh no, that big thing is going to make love to Miss Stevens!

Miss Stevens: All right, that does it!! [the men stop dancing] Blast these stupid-a*s rainforests!! This place f*cking sucks!! [the giant Yanogapa is shocked] I was wrong!! f*ck the rainforest!! I f*cking hate it, I f*cking hate it!!

Stan: Oh, now she figures it out.

[A bulldozer appears, driven by the foreman]

Formena: Quick! Everybody help the children!

[more bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the Yanogapa and chase them away. The children brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanogapa and crushes them against a tree, k*lling them, then backs up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, crushng it.]

Stan: Wow!

Kyle: Dude! Bulldozers rule!

Foreman: [cutting the ropes off the kids] Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!

Kids: HOORAY!!

Miss Stevens: [being cut down by a worker] Hooray, children!

[Later. Miss Stevens is back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on another one, and the rest of the kids take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade]

Miss Stevens: How did you know where we were?

Foreman: Your little friend helped me out.

Miss Stevens: Eric?

Cartman: [arriving] Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?

Miss Stevens: What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this …construction equipment?

Foreman: We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.

Miss Stevens: Really? [excited] That's great!!

Foreman: You mean, you don't mind?

Miss Stevens: Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole f*cking thing!

Foreman: That's swell!

Kelly: Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance relationship to work, we'll have to call each other every other day.

Kenny: (Okay. I can do that.) [lightning strikes him, knocking her away]

(Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]

Kelly: Aaaah! Lenny! No! [Stan and Kyle rush in]

Stan: Oh my God, they k*lled Kenny.

Kyle: You b*stards!

Kelly: [turns to face them] Whah?? Who?! Who k*lled him?!

Stan: They did.

Kelly: Who's "they"?!

Stan: [pause] You know, "they."

Kyle: They're… they're b*stards.

Kelly: Well don't just stand there, help him!!

Kyle: What?

Stan: Help …him?

Kelly: Aaagh! [turns around and pounds on Kenny's chest]

Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again]

Breathe, you son of a b*tch! [she picks her nose, then pounds some more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]

Kyle: Whoa, dude!

[San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage]

Summit Host: And now, here to teach us about the rainfoest is Getting g*y With Kids. [the crowd applauds]

Miss Stevens: Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [the kids nod yes] And…

The New Lyrics: [Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!

[Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks a*s.

[Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.

[Men sing] You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know?

[All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.



[Chorus] Getting g*y With Kids is here! [Kyle still can't dance]

To tell you things you might not like to hear.

You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.

All you activists can go f*ck yourselves!



Male Activist: That was so inspiring.

Female Activist: What a wonderful message.

The New Lyrics, part II: [Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,

Each year, the Rainforest is

responsible for over three

thousand deaths from

accidents, attacks or

illnesses.

[Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!

There are over seven

hundred things in the

Rainforest that cause cancer.

[Man joins her] World!

Join the fight now and help

stop the Rainforest before

it's too late.

[Chorus]

Getting g*y With Kids is here!

To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!

Getting g*y With Kids is here!

Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!

It's totally g*y! It's totally g*y!



[End of Rainforest Schmainforest]