04x15 - Chick Like Me

[bunniefuu]

[Shawn and Cory are standing in the hallway outside Mr Feeny's classroom; Shawn is holding open the school newspaper and he and Cory are reading it]

CORY: Haha, my column! [points to a section of the paper looking chuffed]

SHAWN: [reads] 'Is It Just Me?'

CORY: BY??

SHAWN: Cory Matthews [looks at Cory] Do I have to?

CORY: [grins] Enjoy!

SHAWN: [reading nonchalantly] 'Is it just me, or does paste just not taste as good as it used to?' [casts a sidelong glance at Cory who is too busy laughing at his own jokes to notice] 'Is it just me or is Homer Simpson getting a little too old to be on the show?'

CORY: Isn't that so true?!

SHAWN: Look, Cory, [starts walking to his locker; Cory follows] I know you really believe in your little humour column, but don't you think you should be writing something a little more important, like... the girls' swim team and why they don't wear high heels.

[Cory nods as though considering the idea; Topanga and her friend Debbie enter and approach their lockers]

TOPANGA: [to Debbie] He gave you --? That's really expensive!

DEBBIE: Yeah I know, it was great! We were talking and laughing and having such a great time, and then...

TOPANGA: At the end of the night...

DEBBIE: Parked two blocks from my house...

TOPANGA: Octopus time.

[A guy walks up to Debbie]

GUY: Hey! Great time the other night!

[The guy walks off; Debbie rolls her eyes and looks at Topanga]

DEBBIE: All over me. I mean, what happened to the nice guy I had dinner with? It's like, the night's almost over so he's all over me? [sighs] Why are guys such jerks on dates?

TOPANGA: Well not all guys, Debbie.

[Cory and Shawn have been eavesdropping]

CORY: [chuffed] 'Not all guys, Debbie'!

SHAWN: Is it just me, or should you not be proud of that?

CORY: Oh.

DEBBIE: [to Topanga] After a night of fighting him off, it's like, I don't know whether I want to go out on dates anymore, you know? I'd rather spend my time in the library. It's that pathetic...

TOPANGA: It's too bad guys and girls have such a different idea about what a date is supposed to be.

DEBBIE: Yeah. What goes on in their heads?

TOPANGA: [glances behind at Cory and Shawn then looks back to Debbie] Wanna find out? There's two of 'em.

DEBBIE: [to Cory and Shawn] Hey, what goes on in your heads?

CORY: Topanga. [taps his head] Twenty-four hours a day it's the Topanga Channel in here.

TOPANGA: Aw, who's a good boy! [pops a sweet in Cory's mouth; Cory chews on it happily]

SHAWN: Debbie, don't you think that, uh, guys and girls are looking for the same things on dates?

DEBBIE: Well... girls are looking for an evening of good conversation... and, you know, the sense that you've made a genuine connection with another human being.

SHAWN: You're not interested in making out?

DEBBIE: Well maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but it shouldn't be expected because I went on a date with you.

SHAWN: So how're we supposed to know what's ok?

DEBBIE: We'll let you know.

SHAWN: You don't let us know very clearly...

DEBBIE: Yes we do! You just don't listen. You're too busy planning your next moves to hear us say no.

SHAWN: [not listening] ...What?

[Debbie rolls her eyes]

CORY: [to Topanga] You see, this is why I write my fun column - to take us away from the drudgery of interesting conversation.

TOPANGA: Yeah, but you should be writing about something that affects people.

DEBBIE: Yeah, why don't you write your column about why guys are such big jerks on dates?

SHAWN: Debbie, if you really feel that all guys want to do is to go too far then why go out with them at all?

DEBBIE: [thinks] You're right - I'm done! [walks off]

TOPANGA: Way to be sensitive, Shawn. [walks off]

SHAWN: Yeah, yeah, it really pays to be honest with a girl. [shoves the newspaper at Cory and walks off]

CORY: [stands awkwardly on his own] Is it just me... or is it just me?


---

[Mr Feeny's classroom; Cory, Shawn, Topanga and Debbie are seated amongst the other students; Mr Feeny is stood at the front writing on the blackboard]

MR FEENY: [to the class] To research his book, 'Black Like Me', author John Griffin - a white man - had his skin pigment temporarily darkened so that he could experience life through the perspective of a black man.

CORY: Wouldn't it have been easier to just... ask?

MR FEENY: Well, there was such distrust between the races that Griffin felt that only by becoming black could he begin to understand the horrors of segregation.

SHAWN: [leans forward] Cory, that's your next story!

CORY: What?

SHAWN: To understand what girls are talking about, you experience the world from a girl's point of view... [grins] ...by becoming a girl!

CORY: [frowns] That's crazy talk!

SHAWN: No no no no - you dress up like a girl and write about it. 'Chick Like Me'!

[Cory looks thoughtful]

SHAWN: That's meaningful, you know? You're writing a real article, not just some... [quietly] silly column-

CORY: It is NOT a silly column!

MR FEENY: Yes it is.

CORY: Ok, Mr Feeny, what happened to this guy Griffin after he wrote his book?

MR FEENY: Well, he sold five million copies and won immediate world renown. Why do you ask, Mr Matthews?

CORY: Miss Matthews.

MR FEENY: ...What?

CORY: [shrugs shiftily] Nothing!


---

[Matthews' Wilderness Outpost. Eric and a gorgeous woman in dungarees (Loni) are the only people working there; Loni is standing by a tent talking to a man - presumably trying to sell him the tent]

LONI: [to the man] ...When you get to the top of the mountain and that wind starts to blowin', you'll be real glad you got this over your head.

MAN: [smiling flirtatiously] I'll remember you sold it to me, too.

LONI: Well I hope you do, that way you can remember me for all your future wilderness needs!

MAN: Listen, I imagine you probably get this a lot... but you seem awfully nice. You wanna go get a cup of coffee sometime?

LONI: Well you seem mighty nice too! But... well, I'm not much of a coffee drinker.

MAN: Oh! That's ok.

LONI: But we can do something else!

MAN: [hopefully] Anything! That would be great.

LONI: Why don't you come over to my place and I'll cook you a big ol' dinner? How about tonight?

MAN: Really? That would be - wow! I-

LONI: Aw great! [gives him a playful thump on the arm] And after dinner - that's when the real fun starts.

MAN: I'm always up for a little fun.

LONI: Good, because we'll rub oil all over our bodies...

MAN: I like that.

LONI: Go jumpin' in a cold river...

MAN: ...What?

LONI: And go eel grabbin'!

MAN: What?

LONI: It's fun! Great fun - and for the eels too! Well, unless their heads break off.

[Loni gives him a playful punch on the arm; the man suddenly looks less enthusiastic as he rubs his arm where she hit him]

LONI: So what time tonight?

MAN: Uh... tonight? [backing away anxiously] Tonight's really not good for me. I've got another appointment which doesn't actually involve eels...

LONI: Oh c'mon, Dave, where's your sense of adventure??

MAN: Y'know... I'll just take the tent.

LONI: Oh! [gives him another playful punch on the arm]

MAN: In fact, you keep the tent and what I'm gonna do is... leave.

[The man runs out of the store cradling his arm]

LONI: [calling out after him] W-wait! I was just tryin' to be... friendly. [her face falls; Eric looks on sympathetically - he's been watching the whole thing from behind the counter]

LONI: Eric, is there something wrong with me?

[Eric stares at her]

LONI: Is there something the matter with me?

ERIC: [still staring] I'm looking!

LONI: No, I mean... why am I always scarin' boys off?

ERIC: Well, Loni, you don't have a lot of social experience with men, do you?

LONI: No, not city men...

ERIC: Didn't you date any guys back there in the mountains?

LONI: Oh sure, we'd go out in the woods and sh**t things.

ERIC: So you like hunting?

[Loni nods]

ERIC: All right, well here's a question for you. [walks around the counter and stands in front of her] When you see a cute little fuzzy animal that you like, that you know, you like to sh**t... do you go, like, running up to it and [waving his arms around] yelling and waving your r*fle in the air?

LONI: [smiling] Well, no!

ERIC: And why not?

LONI: 'Cause it would scare the little critter off!

[Eric looks at her pointedly]

LONI: [catching on] Ohh! Oh so you're sayin' my behaviour is scarin' the city men?

ERIC: Just a smidge.

LONI: [thoughtfully] I have to learn how to hunt and track these boys.

ERIC: [nodding] Mm hmm.

LONI: Well, [looking slyly at Eric] I'm gonna need a city man to practice on.

[Eric grins, giggling and flailing like a little girl]


---

[The Matthews' kitchen. Alan is sitting at the table; Amy is preparing dinner; Cory and Shawn enter through the back door carrying shopping bags and looking shifty, they run towards the stairs]

AMY: Hey.

ALAN: Hey, son, how was your day?

CORY: Fine.

ALAN: What did you do at school?

CORY: Nothing.

ALAN: [standing up] Hey, hold on! Wait there!

[Cory and Shawn stand still at the bottom of the stairs and turn slowly]

ALAN: You know, every day I ask you 'What did you do?' and every day you tell me 'Nothing'. Well, I'm tired of 'Nothing'! I mean, we both know something happened today and I wanna know what 'it' is!

CORY: [pauses] I decided to be a girl.

ALAN: [looks at Amy then back at them, then sits back down at the table] Well you've taught me a very valuable lesson there, son.

[Cory and Shawn backtrack and explain]

SHAWN: [to Amy] You know the book 'Black Like Me'?

AMY: Sure, is that what you guys are reading at school?

ALAN: [to Amy] Don't ask questions, Honey.

SHAWN: Cory's gonna write 'Chick Like Me' for the school newspaper - he's going to experience life from a girl's point of view by dressing up like a girl.

[Cory holds a small red dress up to himself, grinning and looking around for opinions]

ALAN: Nope, don't want you to!

AMY: [to Alan] Aw, come on, I think it would be a wonderful learning experience that could serve him well for the rest of his life!

[Cory holds a large black flowery dress up to himself; Amy looks in one of the shopping bags and pulls out a silky black bra]

CORY: It's a miracle bra!

ALAN: [blandly to Amy] A miracle bra, honey. Get the camera.

CORY: [to Alan defensively] I'm not dressing up like a girl just for the sake of dressing up like a girl! I'm a journalist, dagnabit.

[Topanga knocks on the back door and enters]

TOPANGA: Hi. [apologetically] Hey, Shawn, I might have been a bit protective of Debbie this morning and I didn't fully consider your point of view.

SHAWN: [chuffed] I never knew I had a point of view!

[Topanga rolls her eyes; Cory is still holding the black dress against himself]

CORY: Y'know what, Topanga, everything's worked out for the best because I've decided [smoothes out the dress] to be a girl and see what it's really like!

TOPANGA: [wrinkles her nose] Not in that dress you're not.

CORY: Well... that's why I was counting on your expert assistance to help in selecting the proper female accoutrements.

TOPANGA: You want me to dress you up like a girl?

CORY: Yes, Topanga. [adopts childish voice] Make Cory pretty!

TOPANGA: [thinks for a moment] Cool!


---

[Cory's bedroom; Shawn and Topanga are leaning against the walls waiting; the bathroom door is shut - Cory is inside; discarded clothes lay scattered on Cory's bed]

TOPANGA: Cory? Sweetie? You have to come out eventually.

CORY: [gruffly from behind the closed door] Don't wanna. Second thoughts.

TOPANGA: [kindly] Come on out! We won't laugh.

CORY: You're not seeing what I'm seeing!

[Topanga looks to Shawn for help]

SHAWN: Hey, Cor. [knocks on the bathroom door] Come on, buddy. You're gonna write an article that means something! You're going to make a difference not only in our lives, but in the lives of guys and girls everywhere.

CORY: You're not seeing what I'm seeing!

SHAWN: C'mon, Cor. How bad of a girl could you be?

[The bathroom door opens and Cory steps out, embarrassed, in a figureless brown dress, brown tights, bright white high heels, and a wig with hair longer on one side than the other; his lips are three times their normal size due to exaggerated lipstick appliance; Shawn and Topanga look mildly dismayed]

CORY: I knew it! I look... I look fat...

SHAWN: Fat is the least of your problems, babe.

CORY: Topanga?

TOPANGA: [reluctant to look at him] Maybe it's just not a good colour for you...

[Cory looks from Topanga to Shawn, then throws his arms in the air and turns to go back into the bathroom; Topanga and Shawn hold him back]

TOPANGA: You guys, we can do this! It's just all how you present yourself. Now Cory, let's see how you present yourself.

CORY: Ok... [takes a deep breath then bounces forwards with his arms swinging rhythmically like he's dancing at a 50's sock hop; he does this up and down his room, then stands back in between Shawn and Topanga, looking at them hopefully] Is that all right?

SHAWN: Not even on a desert island.

TOPANGA: [firmly] Constructive, Shawn.

SHAWN: Ok. Cor, you're missing the obvious. Girls just... glide more. They're more at ease. You've got to let it flow.

TOPANGA: [surprised] That's pretty right on the nose there, Shawn.

SHAWN: [grinning] Yeah well, girls are my area. I like girls.

CORY: [desperately] Ok then, show me, Shawn - show me!

SHAWN: Well it's just - here it is.

[Shawn glides smoothly up and down Cory's room and stands back next to Cory; Cory and Topanga look at each other]

SHAWN: What?

[Cory and Topanga look at Shawn slyly]

SHAWN: [catching on] Ohhh no. No! No! No!


---

[Hallway at John Adams High - a girl looking fascinatingly like Shawn peeks tentatively from round a corner then steps out into the corridor. Indeed, wearing a brown wig pulled back into a small ponytail, a tight black top, a red mini skirt, black tights, black knee-high boots and carefully applied make-up, Shawn makes his way nervously down the corridor to the stares of all the other students; Cory's walking with an arm around Shawn's shoulders looking very pleased with himself]

SHAWN: Why is everybody staring? What are they looking at?

CORY: [grinning] Well, Shawn, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... you're kind of a babe.

SHAWN: Really?

CORY: Yeah! [looks suddenly apprehensive] You want me to... carry your books for you?

SHAWN: I get that? Yeah! [hands Cory all his books] Thanks!

[Shawn and Cory make their way to their lockers, where Topanga's standing]

TOPANGA: [to Cory] Why are you carrying his books?

CORY: Well we're trying to create the illusion that Shawn's a girl, so... I thought this would help.

TOPANGA: You never carry my books.

CORY: Well look at him! [gazes fondly at Shawn, looking him up and down, and blushes, then turns quickly back to Topanga] And look at you! You are just radiant today.

TOPANGA: So, Shawn, how does it feel to be wearing pantyhose?

SHAWN: Not Shawn.

CORY: You're right.

TOPANGA: Yeah, he needs a girl's name.

CORY: Ok, this is easy. How about... Janet?

SHAWN: No no no no, not - not Janet.

CORY: What possible difference could it make??

TOPANGA: [reprimanding] Cory! [turns to Shawn] You've thought about this before, haven't you?

SHAWN: [pouts] A little.

TOPANGA: And what name have you thought about?

SHAWN: Well... [quietly] Veronica...

[Topanga nods in approval; Cory smiles nervously at Shawn then mouths 'Veronica?!' at Topanga looking scared; Shawn is looking at the ground with girlish innocence]

TOPANGA: [kindly] Veronica's a lovely name.

[Mr Feeny enters the hallway and walks towards his classroom with barely a glance at the trio]

MR FEENY: Good morning Miss Laurence, Mr Matthews, Mr Hunter...

[Mr Feeny pauses looking bemused, then turns slowly to look at Shawn and smiles benignly; Shawn looks like he's wishing for the ground to swallow him whole]

MR FEENY: [leaning towards Shawn conspiratorially] If there's anything you need to talk about, my door is always open. I'm not here to judge.

SHAWN: It's for an article we're writing, Mr Feeny.

MR FEENY: I am not here to judge... [walks away down the corridor]

CORY: [noticing some guys coming down the hall] Hey guys, target's approaching.

[The guy (Gary) who went out with Debbie the other night and spoke to her by the lockers the day before jogs towards them]

CORY: Ten yards... five yards...

GARY: [nods in greeting] Guys.

TOPANGA: Hey, Gary. Debbie said you two went out on Saturday.

GARY: Yeah, I had a nice time... [notices 'Veronica' standing next to Cory and is immediately entranced] Hi there! Um, I'm Gary.

CORY: [grinning] Gary! This is Veronica. [gestures to Shawn] Veronica... Wasboyski.

GARY: [smiling at Veronica] You know, I have never seen you before - are you new at school?

SHAWN: Yep! I'm... just a whole new person!

GARY: Listen, um... if you want, y'know, I'd be happy to uh, y'know, take you to Chubbies and tell you what teachers to avoid - that kind of stuff. Unless your boyfriend already did that.

CORY: [looking ecstatic] Oh no, Gary! This one is definitely available.

SHAWN: Cory! I can speak for myself.

CORY: Well then, you just do that! Veronica.

SHAWN: [looks at Gary, smiling] That'd be great.

TOPANGA: So, Saturday - is that good for both of you?

SHAWN: [through gritted teeth to Topanga] Saturday's my date night.

CORY: [through gritted teeth to Shawn] It still is.

SHAWN: [sighs and turns smiling back to Gary] Ok! Saturday. [through gritted teeth to Cory and Topanga] I'll give up a Saturday.

GARY: Well, [smiling flirtatiously] I'll see you then.

[Gary walks away dreamily and Shawn gives him a feminine wave goodbye; Cory faces Shawn looking very proud]

CORY: Shawnie! Way to go!

TOPANGA: You got a date!

[Shawn looks suddenly worried and wrings his hands together anxiously]

CORY: What?

SHAWN: I have nothing to wear!


---

[Matthews' Wilderness Outpost; Eric and Loni are the only ones in the store - presumably they're closing up for the night]

ERIC: All right, Loni. Now. Let's say we're at a club. Ok, and let's say that I'm Dave and I'm standing here at the bar [stands by the store counter] and you see me from across the room and you say to yourself...?

LONI: [boisterously] I want THAT one!

ERIC: [laughs] No no no no. Remember hunting. Remember the boy bunnies; you don't want to scare them away or there'll be nothing left to hunt.

LONI: Hell, that's no fun.

ERIC: No, it's not. So here's what you've got to do. You've got to approach me without being detected.

[Loni creeps sideways along the counter and then leans on it next to Eric]

ERIC: Now you stand next to me, but not close enough to make me realise that I'm your prey.

[Loni nods, not looking at Eric]

ERIC: Now turn to me.

[Loni turns and looks at Eric; Eric grins]

ERIC: Make eye contact.

[Loni holds his gaze]

ERIC: Smile.

[Loni grins eagerly]

ERIC: And say...?

LONI: I want THAT one! [taps Eric playfully on the nose]

ERIC: [takes a deep breath] I admire your single-mindedness, but no. What guys really likes is a compliment. You give us a great compliment - we're yours for the rest of your life.

LONI: [pauses for thought, then tentatively touches Eric's shirt collar] That is the nicest shirt!

[Eric nods approvingly]

LONI: I'd like to get one just like it for my brother, Buck. Who makes that?

ERIC: Some shirt guy.

LONI: Can I look? [reaches forward, grabbing Eric and trying to look down the back of his shirt] I can't seem to find the label...

[Eric's jaw slackens and he closes his eyes as Loni presses herself up against him to look for the label]

LONI: Is it someplace else?

ERIC: [faintly] I dunno but I wouldn't stop looking...

LONI: Oh! [suddenly checks herself and pulls away, facing Eric] You know what I'm doin'?

ERIC: [dreamily] Just what God intended?

LONI: No, I'm bein' too friendly again and you were just about to tell me that, weren't you?

ERIC: ...Yeah, I was gonna get to that eventually.

LONI: [sighs] Y'know, I never would've thought that bein' friendly could drive people away. But... I guess friendliness is just different between men and women.

ERIC: Yeah [smiles] I guess it is. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna step back [steps back] a respectable distance here and I'm just gonna say... [holds his hand out] ...hello.

LONI: [takes his hand and shakes it] Hello. My name is Loni Boden, and I will do whatever I can not to physically inv*de your personal space. Perhaps we can discuss our career goals over a great knee-high?

ERIC: [laughing rigidly] Hahaha what've I done?!


---

[Chubbies, Saturday night - Gary and 'Veronica's' date. Shawn and Gary are sitting together in a booth talking]

GARY: This has been a terrific evening, and you are just great.

[Shawn smiles nervously]

GARY: And so, I'm wondering... how is it that someone like you doesn't have a boyfriend?

SHAWN: Well, I-I-I-I I haven't really been looking for a boyfriend. Guess I've just been... going through a lot of changes.

GARY: Well any time you wanna talk, I'm here to listen.

SHAWN: [looks at Gary suddenly earnest] Thanks, that's... that's nice... Gary. [finds himself gazing fondly at Gary and turns away looking mildly appalled with himself] I gotta have some food.

GARY: Hey, you got it. [calls out] Waitress!

[Out from the kitchen comes... Cory in a waitress outfit. He's wearing a bushy wig, large earrings, and adopts a husky voice]

CORY: How ya doin', honey?

[Topanga, who's been sitting nearby watching over Shawn's date, looks Cory up and down, horrified; Shawn doesn't look so calm about it either; Gary, however, notices nothing]

SHAWN: Cory...

CORY: I'm Cor-a [gestures to his name tag] I'll be your waitress this evenin'!

GARY: I come in here a lot; I've never seen you before.

CORY: Quit hittin' on me! [laughs jokily] I'm just kiddin' - it's my first night. Besides, it looks like you're already taken, cutie. [winks]

[Shawn is shaking his head]

SHAWN: [through gritted teeth] You're insane.

CORY: May I take your order, baby?

GARY: My usual. A double chilli burger and um, one chocolate milkshake. With two straws. [grins at 'Veronica']

SHAWN: I'll have the same. [thinks] And a steak.

[Cory and Gary stare at Shawn]

SHAWN: ...What?

CORY: Well, aren't you the veracious little eater?

[Cory pinches Shawn's cheek affectionately then heads to the kitchen with a quick wave to Topanga, who is smiling, bemused]

GARY: So, [puts his arm around Shawn] you having a good time?

SHAWN: [eyeing Gary's hand] Little trouble breathing! You're grabbing me a bit.

GARY: Naw, maybe you're just tense. How about if I rub your shoulders?

[Gary rubs 'Veronica's' shoulder and Shawn grows more and more anxious]

SHAWN: I didn't ask you to do that...

GARY: Yeah, but doesn't it feel good?

SHAWN: [pushes Gary away] You're not listening to me!

GARY: Woah! You're a strong one.

SHAWN: [smiles] Yeah, I play a little field hockey.

GARY: Yeah, I knew that... because the first thing I noticed were your legs-

SHAWN: AHHH! [leaps out of his seat - presumably Gary started feeling up Shawn's legs under the table]

GARY: What's the matter?!

SHAWN: You just don't listen! You're too busy planning your next moves to hear us say no!

GARY: [not listening] ...What?

[Shawn grabs his purse and gets out of the booth; Topanga and Cory go to him looking worried]

CORY: What's the matter?

SHAWN: He touched me!

CORY: Where?

SHAWN: On - my - knee! It's my knee, what makes him think that it's his knee?!

TOPANGA: Maybe you sent him a signal.

SHAWN: The only signal I sent him was 'Stop it'.

TOPANGA: And he didn't listen.

SHAWN: ...I'm not like that.

[Topanga looks at him pointedly]

SHAWN: I'm not. [looks at Cory] I never will be again.

CORY: Well, here he comes.

SHAWN: No. No, no. I quit.

CORY: You can't, we have an article to finish!

SHAWN: Ugh, I should've worn a pant-suit.

[Gary wanders over to the trio looking confused]

GARY: [to 'Veronica'] Look uh... sorry I got a little... aggressive. Nobody respects women more than me. Forgive me?

CORY: Of course she forgives you, you two are just adorable together! [nudges Shawn] Isn't he just de-lish?

GARY: [to 'Veronica'] Tell you what, how about I teach you to play fussball?

SHAWN: [smoothly] How about I teach you?

[Shawn walks past Gary to the fussball table]

GARY: [laughing] Yeah right! [follows 'Veronica']

[Cory shifts awkwardly, grimacing]

CORY: [to Topanga] My hosiery is bunching.

['Veronica' and Gary stand opposite each other at the fussball table]

GARY: Now, what you've got to do is you wanna spin the handle; you wanna make this little guy kick the ball.

SHAWN: [grinning] Like this? [spins the handle sharply; the ball goes straight into the goal]

GARY: [embarrassed laughter] Yeah. Kinda like that, yeah.

SHAWN: [slyly] I can go a little easier if you want.

GARY: [waves a dismissive hand] Just take your next sh*t.

[Shawn places the ball in the middle of the table and spins the handle; Gary stops the ball with the goalkeeper]

SHAWN: [smiles] Nice block.

GARY: Oh, you like that? Well let me show you how I did it.

[Shawn shifts uncomfortably as Gary makes his way around the table and stands behind him; Gary slides his hands down Shawn's arms and holds onto Shawn's hands around the handles]

GARY: Now what you need to have... is a real light touch...

[Gary places his hands on 'Veronica's' hips and squeezes; Shawn jumps back]

SHAWN: Hey hey!

GARY: Hey what??

SHAWN: What is wrong with you?!

GARY: I'm just showing you how to play the game.

SHAWN: I know how to play the game.

GARY: Yeah, I can tell by the way you're dressed. [laughs, slightly mocking]

SHAWN: [quietly] I just wanted to look nice...

GARY: Well, you do. [smiles and pulls 'Veronica' close to him]

SHAWN: Don't touch me.

GARY: Ok! [raises his hands in the air defensively] Don't like to be touched.

SHAWN: [sharply] Did it ever occur to you that I might be a nice girl?!

GARY: No, what I thought is that you'd be into guys. But I guess you're not - I guess you prefer girls.

SHAWN: [drops his girly voice] As a matter of fact, I do.

GARY: [perplexed] What?

SHAWN: I said, as a matter of fact- [punches Gary in the face] -I DO.

GARY: [lying on the ground cradling his jaw] What was that for?!

SHAWN: [yelling] For EVERY girl I've EVER known!

[Cory approaches, looking down at Gary]

CORY: Uh, please pay at the register, honey. And 'tipping' is not a city in China. [hands Gary the bill and turns to Shawn] C'mon, honey, we're outta here.

[Cory and Shawn link arms and slouch off; Topanga links with Cory as they pass and the three march out of Chubbies]


---

[Hallway at John Adams High. Shawn and Cory are reading the school newspaper looking very pleased with themselves; a crowd of people surround them, all reading the 'Chick Like Me' article; Mr Feeny approaches]

MR FEENY: Well, gentlemen! Seems the whole school is talking about it. And if I do say so myself - excellent article! [pauses, looking over the article] Troubling photographs...

[Mr Feeny walks by; Topanga and Debbie move towards them]

TOPANGA: Cory, I am SO proud of you, the article is wonderful. [kisses Cory on the cheek]

CORY: Well, I am a journalist, dagnabit.

DEBBIE: [smiling] Shawn, I wanted to thank you for what you did.

SHAWN: Hey! Not necessary, I... I learned a lot.

DEBBIE: [surprised] You did?

SHAWN: Yeah, y'know, in fact - all the guys around I'd say I'm the world's most perfect date right now.

DEBBIE: Well I'd say of all the girls around, I could probably use a perfect date right now. [smiles at Shawn] So what do you have in mind?

SHAWN: I dunno, we could... start with an evening of good conversation?

DEBBIE: And a... genuine connection with another human being?

SHAWN: Hey, I'm your boy.

[Debbie smiles; Shawn takes her hand and they walk off together; Cory grimaces and starts shifting comfortably]

TOPANGA: What's wrong?

CORY: [in his gruff 'Cora' voice] My hosiery is still bunching.