01x01 - That '70s Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Eric, it is time.

Why don't you do it?

It's your house. Your house.

Listen to them up there.

The party has reached critical mass.

In 10 minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.

If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll k*ll me.

I'm willing to take that risk.

Don't worry about it.

Just remain calm, keep moving...

And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

What's wrong with your dad's hair?

Just don't look at it.

And, Eric...

Cold.

Definitely cold.

j& Young and beautiful j& j& someday your looks will be gone j&

Oh! Oh! Watch it, Eric. Hot pizza rolls.

Coming through. Hot. Hot.

Kitty, where are you?

Ok. Take 2. There's plenty. There's plenty coming.

Is everybody good?

I know. I know.

Vienna sausages are so versatile. j& Love will keep US together j& j& love will keep US together j&

Hi there, Eric. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Eric: Mr. Pinsiotti.

So, Eric, how do you like pop's new hair?

Isn't it groovy?

It's incredibly groovy, Mrs. Pinsiotti.

Ah, yeah.

It was midge's idea.

It's a perm.

Eric.

Hi, dad.

What the hell happened to Bob's hair?

Beats me.

His head looks like a poodle's ass.

Boy, just when you think you've seen everything...

A poodle's ass walks into your party.

Eric, don't use the "ass" word.

You're still in high school.

Yes, sir.

Ok. Pigs in a blanket. Hot. Hot.

Kitty, is that your Toyota in the drive?

Red...

A Toyota?

Yeah, it's mine.

The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was sh**ting at me.

Well, honey, it is the gas crisis. What can you do?

And you know, Bob, those s.O.B.S at the dealership offered me a lousy $400 trade-in on a vista cruiser.

Ah, what you gonna do?

It'll rust in the driveway before I trade it in.

Honey, it is rusting in the driveway.

Hey, pop, I'll take the cruiser off your hands.

I don't care if it's a pump sucker.

What you got there, Eric?

Beer.

I found it just sitting...

You know...

Around.

Well, put 'em away, son.

Why, I intend to, sir.

Oh, honey, honey, on your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge?

They're warm.

Ha ha ha ha!

Check it out.

I see that every day.

He's alive!

Good news.

My dad...

Is thinking of giving me...

The vista cruiser.

You're getting a car?

Ooh. Have I told you how incredibly attractive you are, Eric?

No.

Michael: You told me he was cute.

No, I didn't.

I remember, 'cause you said not to say anything in front of Eric.

Let's focus on what's important here, people.

Forman stole something.

To forman!

To forman! All right!

You know what's sad?

This is the proudest day of my life.

j& Hanging out j& j& down the street j& j& the same old thing j& j& we did last week j& j& not a thing to do j& j& but talk to you j& j& whoa, yeah j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Wow, marcia. A football in the face.

That's gotta hurt.

Ouch! My nose!

That's gonna be huge in the morning.

Huger than my boobs?

Well, bigger than the left one.

Why are we watching this without the sound?

I am totally confused.

Here. Use the earphone.

So...

What's the deal with the vista cruiser?

The deal is, there is no deal yet.

Shh!

How are we gonna get to the concert?

Shh! Shut up.

What concert?

Uh...

Todd rundgren.

When?

This weekend.

Oh. Who's going?

Uh...

Eric and Donna and me and Hyde and the foreign kid Fez.

That's pretty much everybody.

And you.

Oh.

Good. Good. Good. Good.

Thank you for telling me, Michael!

Well, i'm getting a soda.

Yep. Me, too.

Sit down.

You don't want me to go to the concert. Is that it?

I didn't know if you liked music.

Michael!

I didn't invite you to the concert because I know you really don't like my friends.

Did you tell them that?

No.

Michael, don't tell our private conversations to other people, Michael.

We have to have our own private conversations.

Also, I didn't think you'd be interested in Todd rundgren.

Like you said, he's no frampton.

I love Todd rundgren.

I have the 45 of hello, it's me.

Remember the night we listened to it?

We can have fun at the concert, especially in the car on the way back.

Ok, you can go.

Only if you want me to.

Oh, I want you to.

Jackie...

I guess you're going to the concert with US.

Yeah!

Mm-hmm. I can't wait.

So, Michael, you want to go back to my house and listen to Todd rundgren records?

Yeah. Sure.

Ok. Bye.

You kids have fun! Bye!

Bye-bye now!

Oh, they're so darn cute.

The minute you turn your back, they go at it like dogs.

Ooh, they're frisky.

You can't leave them alone.

No.

You know...

My sister thinks that we...

Shouldn't be left alone.

US?

Yes.

We're alone now.

Well...

Yeah.

Eric...

Relax.

We've lived next door to each other forever.

You could have had me when I was 4.

Really?

And there I was all day long on the hippity-hop.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Stupid!

Stupid.

Ever since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you.

I mean, I've known you practically my whole life.

I want you.

I want you so bad.

Eric, it's a car.

Let's just leave these 2 kids alone.

Yeah.

Say, hey there, Donna.

Hey, dad.

Ah, you kids.

Standing around the driveway.

It's so darn cute.

You know, you may not realize it, but this is the most fun you're ever gonna have.

So it's all downhill from here, sir?

Yeah.

What happened to your dad's hair?

He got a permanent.

So that's permanent? j& Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, oh j&

I may not say this right because I am new too English...

But she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Michael, who is this guy?

Oh, that's Fez.

He's a foreign exchange student.

Who did we exchange for him?

Donna, I have to go to the ladies' room.

Donna!

I, too, must go to the bathroom.

Eric?

No, it... Doesn't work that way with guys.

Kelso, how much longer are we gonna have to deal with the whole Jackie experience?

Don't worry.

I'm breaking up with her.

Never gonna happen.

It's over.

She's cuttin' in to my free time.

j& I... j& j& Am hooked on a feeling j& j& I'm high on believing j&

So, is red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?

Ha ha.

Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money, 'cause the cruiser's a boat.

I know it's a boat.

This whole gas shortage bites.

Who's getting a boat?

There is no gas shortage, man.

It's all fake.

The oil companies control everything.

Like, there's this guy who invented this car...

That runs on water, man.

It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine and it runs on water.

So it is a boat.

No, it's a car.

Only you put water in the gas t*nk instead of gas.

Ha ha ha ha.

And it runs on water, man!

I never heard of this car.

Hey, Jackie's good for gas money.

You are such a whore.

When does the boat get here, whore?

Eric!

Yeah, dad?

I need to talk to you!

Eric...

Your mother and I have been talking.

Since I've been cut back to part-time at the plant...

And the, uh, the hospital is so close, I can take the Toyota to work, and your mom can take the bus.

Honey...

Honey, really, I'd rather walk.

When I ride the bus in my nurse's uniform, people always show me their scars.

Then I'll drop you off on my way to the plant.

Well, no. I don't want to be any trouble.

Then Eric can drop you off.

He's a teenager. He doesn't want to drop off- well, if he can't drop his own mother off at work, then I'll be damned if he's getting a car.

Ok.

Excuse me.

Am I getting the car?

We didn't say that.

Things don't just drop into your lap, Eric.

Not in this life.

A car is a responsibility.

You'll need insurance.

Do you have any idea how much insurance is?

A car is a privilege.

Oil changes, road flares...

Fluids. That's your job!

A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Always yield. Always.

Lori's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen.

If I find one beer can in that car, it's over.

And no doughnuts, either.

Ants.

So...

Do I get the car?

Bitching! Eric.

Not in front of your mother.

Thank you, pop...

Sir.

Yeah. Well...

Clean the attic.

Kelso, that's sweet.

Actually, I'm riding shotgun.

No, you're not.

Well, I'm not riding in the back.

Why don't we let Eric decide?

Eric?

Kelso...

Get in the back.

Taking it for a spin, eh?

Yes, sir.

Well, have a good time.

Oh, uh...

One more thing.

Very important. About the car.

She's old, so...

No trips out of town.

Ever.

Understood?

Well...

Have fun.

Well, I guess that's that. We're not going.

Eric, do you want to go?

He said no trips out of town.

It's your car. Do you want to go?

He's god.

I think god would want US to go to Milwaukee.

Eric, you are a 17-year-old man.

I'm gonna go with whatever you say.

It's your decision.

It is my decision.

And my decision is...

We're going to a concert.

Yeah!

Oh.

The kids are off.

I wonder where they're going.

Out of town.

Are you sure?

Of course.

I told them not to.

So I guess they'll be gone for a while.

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm telling you, we're out of gas.

We're not out of gas.

It's the battery.

It's 6 years old and shot to hell.

I know what.

I'll just call my dad.

Kelso, tell her.

He can't take the car out of town.

I'm not calling his dad.

Jackie...

Parents talk to each other about how we screw up.

Why would he talk about that?

They can't help it.

Look, say there's a party, see.

And all of our parents are there. Together.

Hi, red. Say, isn't it great all our kids are such good friends?

Yes, Jackie's dad.

They're quite the g*ng of young people. Ha ha ha ha!

Kitty, I love what you've done with the kitchen!

Yes. Aqua and yellow. Blah, blah, blah.

Yak, yak, yak.

Speaking of kids, wasn't it lucky triple-a pulled Eric's butt out of the fire when he took the car to Milwaukee without your permission?

What?

Why, that twisted little monkey.

I'm grounding him for 10 years.

Kids. What are you gonna do?

I say we t*rture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.

Hey, everybody, let's hustle.

Now... we are in the middle of nowhere, and I have to go to the ladies' room.

Donna?

So...

Where you going?

Rundgren concert.

Cool.

So... what, do you want a battery?

'Cause I can get you a battery.

Are they cheap?

Or possibly free?

32 bucks. Minimum.

All right. I tell you what.

We'll trade you our battery, plus 5 bucks for one of your batteries.

Well, that's a really sweet deal, my friend...

But how about this?

How about one battery for 2 concert tickets?

No. We can't give up 2 tickets.

Ok.

It's either that or none of US go.

So who's out?

Well, there's always Jackie.

Of course Jackie. I mean, Jackie's gone.

But who else?

Oh, I don't know.

Jackie's date?

Come on. You know I'm breaking up with her.

You guys are chopping me out!

I've had to listen to her for a good hour.

A really long hour.

God hates me.

How can you say god hates you?

At least you have a woman's love.

Be happy...

Whore.

This suit is for leisure.

But many times I wear it to get down to business.

Hey, guys, he's dating a man.

I'm ok with it.

We are so cool to be ok with it.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Kevin.

I'll explain later.

This isn't working.

No. It's a boy scout belt.

The buckle's got a big...

No. Michael, before you speak, please hear my words.

I think we should break up.

Now?

You're not having a good time.

I'm having a good time.

Really?

Yeah!

Oh, Michael, I am so glad you don't want to break up.

You were so nice to give your ticket away so you could be with me.

Well...

Yeah.

That says you don't need music, concerts, friends...

You know what you need, Michael?

I don't know.

Me. You need me. M-e, Michael!

Yeah.

I... i guess.

Yeah. You're just too shy to say that...

Lover.

So...

When were you a boy scout?

j& Hello, it's me j&

What a great night.

You know, it's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for you.

I mean, there's a whole world that's waiting to be driven to.

We could go to...

Canada.

We got a new battery. What's stopping US?

You know, I think Canada closes at 9:30.

Yeah.

You know, I never would have done this if you hadn't talked me into it.

I didn't talk you into anything.

Well...

I'm gonna call it a day.

Good night.

Good night.

By the way...

Thanks for the ride.

What was that for?

I just... Wanted to see what it was like.

What was it like?

You were there.

Yeah, i... i wasn't ready for it.

What would you have done differently?

I don't know.

Something with my lips.

Sounds good.

Let's try that next time.

When exactly is next time?

Good night.

Yeah, I'm really gonna sleep after that.

j& ...to me j& j& that you got to have free... j& j& Freedom j& j& 'cause I never want to make you change j& j& for me j&

Boy, we're good! Ha ha!

We are really good!