St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

[bunniefuu]

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

[INAUDIBLE DlALOGUE]

[TYRES SCREECH]

Excuse me, ma'am. Wendy Beamish and William Hicks. They were in a car accident.

See the officer about that. Good evening, officer.

I'm Alec Newbary with Congressman Langston's office.

If l can be of any assistance...

OFFlCER: Congressman who? ALEC: Langston.

MAN: Clear, please.

They're dead, aren't they?

WOMAN: Hi, you guys. Wendy.

Wendy. You okay? I'm fine.

I'm fine.

The car my dad got me for graduation is totalled.

Go find Billy. See if you can sober him up.

He almost k*lled you, destroys your car, and you're paying?

Jules, please.

Is that your date? No. That is.

[LAUGHS]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYlNG]

We're dealing with a first-time offender here, officer.

Now, since Miss Beamish doesn't wanna press charges, what do you say we let this one slide?

Forget it, counsellor.

I wouldn't strike a match near his blood.

Hey.

OFFlCER: Okay, you're under arrest. Watch the sax.

Do you believe in premarital sax?

[LAUGHS]

May I assume the accident left you injury-free?

Billy, four months after graduation and you're still acting like every night's a frat party.

Aren't you even a little bit concerned about Wendy?

How bad is it? Severe.

She might have finally exceeded the limit on her father's Visa.

Ba-dum-bum.

You're being arrested for drunk driving.

Drunk, definitely. I don't know if you can call it driving.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

I'm sorry, Wendy.

We'll be right behind you.

JULES: Alec, l've got a lot of cash.

KlRBY: Dale?

Dale Biberman.

You don't remember me, do you? I do, but l'm trying to place--

Kirby Keger.

You were a senior when l started Georgetown.

Right. Kirby. How are you?

I graduated. I always knew you would.

And l'm a lawyer.

Well, l mean, l'm a waiter studying to become a lawyer.

Dale Biberman. I cannot believe it. Still like Woody Allen movies?

[MAN SPEAKlNG INDlSTlNCTLY]

I've gotta go. Nice seeing you.

[JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE (MAN IN MOTlON)" PLAYING]

Don't you worry. Everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, thanks for bailing me out. Again.

When are you two gonna get a new car, one that truly expresses your lifestyle as the perfect couple?

Not everyone got recruited out of school into international banking, moneybags.

Besides, my mom and dad gave me the car. I think I was conceived in the back seat.

It's still sticky.

Oh, God. Wait till my father hears the car is totalled.

[JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE (MAN IN MOTlON)" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Wally, you let undergraduate punks sit at our table?

Relax. Only been there for 1 0 minutes. We've been here four years!

Kirbo, come here. where have you been?

You leave at the busiest time of the night. Where'd you go?

KlRBY: To the hospital, Wally. WALLY: What?

To the hospital. What, are you sick?

No, it was an emergency.

You could have at least told me you were leaving.

What are you gonna do, fire me?

No, I fired you last Tuesday.

Blinding white light. Skid.

Tree.

Impact. l was out of hand! It was a metaphysical precision collision.

Wow.

Was it beautiful for you too, Wendy?

Somebody get me a screwdriver. And a hammer.

Huh-huh-huh.

Of course, you do know what it means to have a suspended licence for drunk driving on your record?

Yeah, it means I'll never be a cop in D.C.

Wally!

Hi, Wal. KlRBY: Betrayed.

So you're not angry? No, I'm not angry.

Never trust a woman who says she isn't angry.

Tell me about it. I'm not angry.

You're the one who's so angry these days.

I thought writing for the paper would make you happy.

Maybe you should call your wife. KEVIN: l'll tell you something, Jules.

Writing obituaries isn't writing. All my characters die in the end.

I'd like to write something about the meaning of life for a change, you know?

You'll get a chance, Kevin. Don't hold your breath.

ALEC: Tommy. LESLIE: Who's that?

Tommy Bancroft. Senator Hodges' key guy. I want you to meet him.

And to be impressive. Oh, yes, sir.

The meaning of life, Kevin, is fun, good times, a little H-U-M-O-R.

Don't you enjoy anything anymore? Like girls?

I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless fear, but it makes America feel better.

Russia gets an inflated sense of national worth from our paranoia.

How's that? Good.

Good. I have to check in with the death squad now.

Did you see her at the hospital? Who?

Dale Biberman. Who?

No, I said I'm sorry I woke the baby.

Well, l kind of got in an accident.

I know I don't have any insurance. Just stop shouting.

I need the phone.

BlLLY: You gonna ask if l'm okay? KEVIN: Give me the phone.

Kevin's here. He says he wants to say hello.

Hi, Felicia. How you doing?

Me? Oh, you know, it ain't easy being me.

Will you both give Billy a break? He lost his job today.

Poor thing.

He lost the job Alec got for him? Yeah.

Did you give him any money? A little.

Wendy!

I thought you were gonna definitely take steps to cut out everything that wasn't working in your life.

Doesn't leave much.

I better break this to Alec gently.

WOMAN 1 : Hi, Leslie. WOMAN 2: Hi, Les, how you doing?

You know this thing with you and Billy is way too destructive.

Life in the fat lane. Wendy, you're not fat.

My thighs are fat. No diet works.

Only way to lose weight in your thighs is amputation.

What you need to amputate is Billy the Kid.

I know. I know, but I can't.

I don't get it. Me neither.

How about we cut out of here?

Well, yeah, but I came with some girlfriends.

Look, this face seats five.

Excuse me.

Could l see you in the men's room, please?

Sure. Wait, it'll just be a second.

LESLIE: Alec. Alec!

Excuse me.

What? Step into my office.

A little pick-me-up?

All right.

ALEC: Why didn't you tell me you lost another job?

For some insane reason, I thought you might take it badly.

Don't drown him. He's a father. ALEC: That's right. You're a father.

When are you gonna grow up?

Oh, like this is real mature, Al. I just get angry because you're putting so much pressure on the rest of us.

Working for Sen. Pomerantz wasn't for me.

Oh, l'm so sorry. It's all right. The wet look is in.

assh*le. That's Mr. assh*le to you.

[GRUNTlNG]

KlRBY: How come they put ice in urinals?

KEVIN: Tastes better. KlRBY: Ba-dum-bum.

[TODD SMALLWOOD'S "GIVE HER A LITTLE DROP MORE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

[SINGING "GIVE HER A LITTLE DROP MORE"]

If we could find the money, it would be better to get a longer sofa.

Tommy Bancroft said I could work on the weekends for Hodges.

It's a step up.

Isn't Hodges a Republican? Oh, my God. You're right.

Whatever happened to that Alec Newbary political conviction l fell in love with?

Well, working for a Republican senator pays a lot more than working for a Democratic congressman.

We could get the longer sofa, and we could get married.

Married? We just moved in together. I know. It's great, isn't it?

We're not ready yet. Oh, l am ready.

You're always ready.

I'm gonna get you a red, lacy baby doll nightgown.

Alec, l'm very happy in your old pyjamas, thank you very much.

I'm happy when you're out of my old pyjamas, thank you very much.

Oh, come on. You don't need that thing.

We're getting married soon, let's take a chance, play some Russian roulette.

And guess who has to carry the b*llet around for nine months?

Senator Hodges?

Right.

[KNOCKlNG]

BOTH: Jules.

JULES: So this scuzzy welfare hospital calls me.

Remember my father's second wife? My step-monster?

The one who used to lock you in the closet every time you cried?

Yeah. She gambled away all the money she got out of my father, is on her deathbed and puts me down as her next of kin.

What about your father?

Oh, he's in South Africa somewhere with his new wife.

Who, it turns out, is just three years older than I am.

If l don't get in touch with him, guess who's gonna be stuck paying for this old witch's funeral.

Is there some insane irony to this or what?

LESLIE: Thanks, Alec.

Alec is becoming a Republican, and he wants to get married. Oh, my God.

I always knew he was a Republican. What should l do?

I think you should have another sh*t. I think so too.

Besides, you two were the couple always most likely to couple, and don't you forget it.

Yes, l'm sure your father will take care of everything.

Yes, just like he takes care of everything else.

You're always coming to my rescue. What can I say?

Far be it from me to come between two old roommates.

Good night.

Good night. Thanks, guys.

ALEC: How do you feel about box springs?

[LESLIE AND ALEC SPEAKING lNDISTINCTLY]

[ARETHA FRANKLlN'S "RESPECT" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

[SINGING "RESPECT"]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Quick, what's the meaning of life? Dale Biberman.

Who?

Dale Biberman. Didn't you see her at the hospital tonight?

She's the girl that l was madly in love with when we were freshmen.

Okay, okay. She's about yea tall. Long, dark hair, beautiful face.

Okay, okay. Remember that big fountain? The one on main campus that says:

"Knowledge, Art, Religion, Life"?

The day that we were walking past that, she was sitting on the "Life" side, and she just smiled at me.

What are you talking about? You took her to one movie.

Kevin, there are several quintessential moments in a man's life:

Losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

I'm not gonna live through another year of finding your poorly written, unmailed love-scratchings around this house.

Zing. I have her hospital schedule.

It's true love, my friend. Love. You know what love is?

Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage, to create the reality of divorce and the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.

[THUDDlNG]

I just can't deal with the little missis. Can I crash?

You know, there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet. Think about that.

You're just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in how long?

What is it, a year, maybe two years? Refresh my memory, please, Kevin.

Haven't you ever heard of the sexual revolution?

Who won, huh? Nobody.

Used to be sex was the only free thing. No longer. Alimony. Palimony.

It's all financial, love's an illusion. It's the only illusion that counts.

KEVIN: Says who? Anyone who's ever been in love.

Love sucks. So does your attitude.

Huh-huh-huh.

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

Thank you.

What are we gonna do with you? You should've bought the red dress. Red drives men wild.

Hi, beautiful. Like Porsches?

Wow. See?

I have a madman in my life already.

[CHATTERING]

It's good, huh? It's interesting. I forgot to spin at the end.

All right, l'll see you in a bit.

[HORN HONKlNG]

MAN: Hey, Jules. How about a lift?

Hi. Hi.

Hi, baby. WENDY: Missed you.

How'd you do?

Well, thanks to Alec, I am now an official pollster.

JULES: Who wants to suck back a few bloody marys at St. Elmo's, on me?

[CHEERlNG]

No. I have to get back to work.

Since when do you work on Saturdays?

Since he started volunteer moonlighting for Senator Hodges.

What the hell is the three-year president of Georgetown's Young Democrats doing working for a Republican now?

Moving up, Kirbo.

Ooh!

KEVIN: Let's get trashed anyway! ALEC: For a change.

ALL: Huh-huh-huh.

[ALL GRUNTING]

JULES: You haven't been here since you helped me move in.

KEVIN: Oh, did you move in too? I only remember 800 pairs of shoes.

Ba-dum-bum.

So what do you think? Very, uh, subtle.

And very pink.

Jules, where are you getting the money for all this?

JULES: Why do you think God invented credit?

For fabulous people like me.

Would you fix us a drink? Yeah.

Kev, l knew you'd like it. You have such sensitivity.

Oh, by the way, I want you to meet my decorator, Ron.

He's so fabulous, and he lives right across the hall.

Ron? Uh-huh.

Come sit down. Let's relax.

Jules, why do l feel like I'm not here by accident?

I have been needing to talk to you.

Sounds like one of our infamous conversations is coming.

Like when you met my parents and decided l was adopted. Remember that?

I still think your mother's hiding something from you.

Kevin, I'm curious. Mm.

You know all those nights we stayed up talking?

How come you never made a pass at me?

What? Don't you find me attractive?

Do you know you're the only guy at school who never made a pass at me?

Well, if you notice, I never joined the Army either.

Kev, you've got a problem.

You're gay, and you're madly in love with Alec.

I see.

It's okay. We all love Alec. He's our hero.

But he's very, very straight. And very taken.

Jules, there's the brink of insanity, and then there is the abyss which, obviously, you've fallen into. Kev, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Gay became chic in the '70s. No, I'm not ashamed.

I am not gay. And l am not staying.

Kevin!

Look at me in this robe. Are you hard? No.

Let me just introduce you to Ron. He's gay too, and he's so fabulous.

Ron, Kevin's here! Kevin, wait, please.

I've seen enough pink for today, thank you very much.

He's just not ready to face reality yet. I'll get back to you.

Please.

Excuse me, sir, we do not open until 1 1 .

That's cool. I'll wait.

Do you have a reservation? For Keger. Party of two, 1 :00.

And l want this table.

I'd be very happy to find a lovely table for you and your guest, but this is a table for four.

Well, then l'll pay double.

You could order a nice Napa Valley chardonnay.

Or if she's really worth it, you could get an import to impress her.

Well, money's no object. Really?

Then Montrachet or Meursault.

And make sure you smell the cork.

So who is she? Never mind.

[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Thank God it's payday!

Jules, you're advanced on your salary by two months.

I have no cheque for you.

Thanks, Jules. You're the greatest. I owe you.

That's good because I owe everyone else.

Judy, I have to pay for my stepmother's funeral, then I'll catch up.

I'm afraid you'll have to speak with Forrester Davidson.

The president of the bank?

[WHlSTLES]

I'm sorry I'm late. Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

Have you been waiting long? Just got here.

The food is great here.

Yes, and I'll be having the alfalfa sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.

Are you vegetarian?

No, that's from Annie Hall. The movie we saw together. Don't you remember?

That's funny. I thought we went to see a Mel Brooks movie.

No, no. It was Annie Hall.

Uh...

So... MAN: Miss Biberman?

Yes? Telephone.

DALE: Thank you. Hello?

Yes, doctor, right away. I'm sorry. I have to get back to the hospital.

I hope we can do this again sometime.

When?

Why don't you give me a call? I'm so sorry.

Great.

Listen, Kirbs, you're not really gonna go to med school just to impress this girl with whom you have a fleeting infatuation, are you?

It's not just infatuation, Kevin, and she's not just a girl.

She's the only evidence of God that I can find on this entire planet, with the exception of the mystical force that removes one of my socks from the dryer every time I do the laundry.

Fluff and fold, buddy.

Soon as I make it really big, I'm going fluff and fold.

Dreamer.

KlRBY: I understand the fold, but what's the fluff?

Fluff's what I write for the paper.

KlRBY: Ba-dum-bum.

What am I doing wrong here? Let me see.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Listen, Les, you think my attachment to Alec is unnatural?

No. I think mine is.

He tell you he wants to get married? Four years ago, the day he met you.

But since he was a Democrat then, and now he's a Republican, I'd say all bets are off.

[GASPS]

God! How do most women do this every night of their lives and not go completely insane? They are insane.

The whole thing: Love, marriage, children, relationships. It's all insane.

You're okay. Thanks.

Did I tell you my perfect sister and her perfect husband are getting a perfect divorce?

I have the perfect solution: Stay away from love.

I can't.

Kevin, you've been in love.

Doesn't Alec hate peppers? Oh, come on.

You must have been in love with someone, sometime.

Yeah, once.

Junior high. l played bongos in this band, and I fell in love with our lead singer.

And she sang "We've Only Just Begun" as sweet as Karen Carpenter.

So one night, I got really high on this cheap malt liquor and pledged my love to her.

Next day she ran off with a bass player named Ringo.

So l turned in my bongos for a battered Underwood typewriter.

On which you'll type your way to becoming one of the most important writers in America.

KEVIN: I wouldn't hold your breath.

I can't even organise any of these thoughts into anything for the paper.

Kevin, maybe you need to stop thinking so much and fall in love again.

Love sucks.

Hi, guys. LESLIE: Hi.

Hey. Rough day on the right wing, dear?

This is for me?

Al... ALEC: Try it on.

Kevin, stir the vegetables.

Right.

Leslie has to marry me soon. Why? Are you pregnant?

What is your marriage hurry? I'm gonna k*ll myself.

It's only peppers, Al. I can't believe what l just did.

I innocently go downtown to buy the nightgown, and this amazingly leggy blond salesgirl offers to model it for me.

So we wind up doing it standing up in the dressing room in front of a three-way mirror.

So there were six of you.

Huh-huh-huh.

If Leslie would just marry me.

Marriage will make you faithful? Yes.

I'm sorry, the notion of two people spending their entire lives together was invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs.

Marriage is obsolete.

Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

LESLIE: Alec, come here. This is obscene!

I love it.

Stir those vegetables.

Don't look! Don't look.

Okay, ta-da! Oh, come on.

Alec. Ah!

Kevin-- I don't care.

LESLIE: Get off of me! He'll burn my vegetables!

ALEC: No, he knows what he's doing. LESLIE: No, he doesn't.

Get off of me!

[BILLY SQUIER'S "SHAKE DOWN" PLAYlNG]

Look at this creep.

Hi, you want a date?

Hi, you want a date? MAN: Maybe later, baby.

How come you never ask me if I want a date?

Because I thought you were gay.

Why would you think l'm gay?

Because I never see you with a girl. And you always look real strange.

Well, for your information, I happen to be in love with someone, only they don't know it, okay?

Guess you wouldn't understand about loving someone from afar, huh?

Delaware's about as far as l've ever been.

Is this person a he or a she?

It's a secret. I guess you wouldn't understand about that either, huh?

Darling, lots of people come to me for love, and it's a secret.

Yeah.

Come back here.

This secret of yours, is it a little one or a big one?

Hey, you want a date?

[PHONE RINGING]

Alec Newbary.

Hi, Alec. It's Jules. I'm over at the Van Buren Hotel.

What time is it? I don't know.

Listen, l'm with these Arabs, and they've been forcing me to do coke all night. And l'm not sure, because l don't understand very much Arabic, but I think I heard the words for "g*ngb*ng."

Alec, you gotta come get me.

Please? I'm in the Potomac Suite.

Alec, you should be sainted. No, then I'd have to wear underwear.

I love you. Then marry me.

[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

MAN: Yes, who is it? Open the door!

Alec, what are you doing here?

They hardly impressed me as the g*ng-bang type.

How much coke did you do? I don't know. They have barrels full.

You know, Jules, sometimes I think you just make these dramas up to test me.

Why don't you come over for a while?

No, I have to be at work in the morning.

Come on.

No.

Well, l don't want to be alone.

Who are you calling? A systems analyst.

A very hot Jewish guy. You the new Mideast ambassador?

It's really late. Let me drive you home.

And waste all this good coke?

Hi.

It's Jules. Did I wake you?

Our real purpose is to get you off welfare and train you in a skilled profession.

Now, do you have any interest in the janitorial field?

Just give me my cheque.

There are some educational-- Just give me my cheque.

Okay.

You know, you get yourself some hot clothes, and get yourself a man and you won't be worrying about all this sh*t.

Welfare recipients are getting better looking.

Do you ever feel like you're not accomplishing anything all?

I think I'm in touch with that emotion.

Let's get a drink.

Okay.

Billy, how come you're not at work?

[GROANS, THEN LAUGHS]

MAN: And this is our first store, built in 1 953.

We now have 24 Card-a-terias, the largest greeting-cards franchise in the East.

What line are you in?

Munitions.

Please don't bring up moving out tonight.

He'll have a heart att*ck in front of your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Well, then, there's a nice young guy working for us now.

Howie Krantz. Libby, please.

Candace, do just like grandmother did. Right in the middle, right in the centre of the plate, neatly.

Mom, you look beautiful.

I'm fat, I'm thin. I'm fat, I'm thin. I'm blond, I'm brunette.

Well, look at it this way. You always wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor, and now you do.

What do you think? Is the roast big enough?

There are certain words my mother finds too horrible to utter so she whispers them.

You'll get used to it.

Did you hear about Betty Rothberg?

[WHlSPERS] Cancer.

WOMAN 1 : Oh, how awful.

MAN: Say, Bill, the day I married Rachael, I got three Card-a-terias. I just bought a new BMW.

WOMAN 2: How great!

I was talking to Betty's daughter. She moved into the new neighbourhood.

Only six Jewish families. But very wealthy.

Are you in the card game too? Six franchises.

Where did you meet Wendy again? [WHlSPERS] Prison.

[LAUGHS]

WOMAN 1 : What did he say?

Is $200 enough?

$200 is more than enough. Thank you, Dad. Thanks.

If you would get married and ran a franchise like your sisters, you wouldn't have to borrow money.

I have a job with the Department of Human Services.

That isn't a job. It's just k*lling time until you get married.

Thank you. I'm very committed.

Daddy, l think l should get my own apartment.

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Billy's on the roof! What?

MR. BEAMlSH: Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

[HUMMlNG]

This is so great!

All the years we lived here, no one ever did this.

I used to do it all the time.

At the frat house, I'd crawl right out of Alec's window on the roof with my horn.

MRS. BEAMISH: This is ridiculous!

My God! Wendy's up there too! MR. BEAMlSH: Come on down here!

I knew it the minute he came in the door.

[WHlSPERS] dr*gs!

RACHAEL: Should we call the police or the fire department?

MRS. BEAMISH: Maybe we should let Wendy handle it.

You miss school, don't you?

Yeah.

You know, school was pretty out of hand.

In everyday life, there's just no way to be out of hand.

You gotta be so...

You know, if it ever got to be too much...

Like just...too much.

Oh, God.

Well, that's out of hand.

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

Don't you ever think about it? Not while I'm still a virgin.

Why didn't you ever tell me that before?

I don't know.

Come on. All those guys you went out with--

Stuey Newman?

Oh, please.

Would you do it with Stuey Newman? Well?

[IMITATES BUGS BUNNY] Be very quiet. I'm hunting rabbit.

[LAUGHS]

Nice.

I'm sorry.

Peace. I'm sorry.

What the hell is that?

It's your scuba suit.

Wendy, I'm really sorry. You're allowed to have fun when you're screwing.

Wend, I was-- I'm sorry.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

What?

There's your rent money.

Wendy.

Wendy?

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

[BAND PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

I want to meet the woman who's turning Kirbo Keger into a doctor.

I've been an amateur gynecologist for years.

Hey, Billy is great. He's unbelievable.

Leslie, did I tell you? Oh, sorry!

I went to see my boss. l thought I was gonna get fired, but instead the man took me to dinner.

Jules, you're not gonna start bopping your boss.

Too late. I'm gonna dance. God!

Do you have an extra key to your apartment that I can borrow tomorrow?

What for?

The lingerie salesgirl has been calling me at the office.

You gotta learn to say no, buddy. As soon as Leslie says yes, l'll say no.

Wendy.

Hi. This is Howie Krantz. Howie, Kevin Dolenz.

How do you do? Alec Newbary.

Alec. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Why don't you come sit here at our table?

Oh, great. That'd be great.

Thought you weren't coming here. We were just passing by.

I'm in the greeting-cards business. l work for one of Wendy's brother-in-laws.

Humongous future in greeting cards.

Ron!

Everybody, this is my friend and decorator, Ron Dellasandro.

You remember Ron.

ALEC: Hello, Ron. LESLIE: Hi, Ron.

Hi, Kevin. Hi, Ron.

JULES: And this is Wendy and Howie.

Unbelievable. What?

So, what's wrong? Billy's wife.

Who's she with?

Let's rock!

Hey!

Hey, take your hands off my wife.

Your wife?

You're not married to me. You're married to your friends and the bar.

I said, get your hands off my wife.

Is he kidding? ALEC: Billy.

[CHATTERING]

Get him out of here!

Yeah, get out of here, Billy, you little sh*t!

You're a sh*t!

You're fired, Billy!

So are the rest of you. Everybody out!

He's bleeding. Yes, l know. Come on.

Come on. I just had my nose done!

BlLLY: g*dd*mn it!

I tell you, I just should've had a vasectomy at birth.

I tell you something, if you ever have boys, you just do them a favour and get them neutered right away.

Because if they knock up some little slut, they're the ones who are really f*cked!

f*cked for life! I hate you, you little bitch!

Listen, you stupid pig!

Get off me! Get off of me!

ALEC: Billy! Okay, Billy, come on!

Billy. Felicia.

[PEOPLE WHISTLING]

You just go ahead with your evening with Howie.

Yes. No matter what he looks like.

Happy Halloween.

[FEE WAYBILL'S "SAVED MY LIFE" PLAYlNG]

Hi, secret love.

Trick or treat? Or tricks and treats?

Hey, what would you say the meaning of life is?

You got 50 bucks? I'll show you the meaning of life.

I don't pay for sex. Oh, no?

Oh. You think that if you get a little wife or girlfriend that you don't pay? You pay.

Then you can never be sure you're gonna get it. With Naomi--

Naomi? Yeah.

You pay, and you get it.

Ooh. You get it good.

Food for thought.

I don't think l have enough food to feed them.

We'll have plenty. We'll be fine. There'll be enough.

Hi. LESLIE: Hey.

What are you doing here?

We came to take you to lunch. Le Petit Château, 1 :00.

I can't leave here and go to Le Petit Château.

Ladies, please, have a little perspective.

Well, we could eat here.

We could? Yes.

It's nutritious.

Yes, it's an adventure. WENDY: Grab a tray.

JULES: It is that.

Take this.

And for our entrée, Campbell mushroom barley. How chic.

Hi, Myra. Meet my friends Leslie and Jules. This is Myra.

Hi, Myra.

You need some salad.

How's Howie?

Oh, well, l wouldn't say my father's trying to bribe me, but he did offer me a Chrysler LeBaron convertible if l'd get engaged to Howie.

Have you f*cked him yet? Jules! God!

Listen, get the car, f*ck him and if you don't like it, break the engagement.

Then you can still f*ck him.

I'm sorry. Not funny!

Sorry. Thank you.

Wendy, I don't want to b*at around the bush.

We really came here because we're both worried about you.

No, Jules, actually that was a scam that Leslie and l worked out because we're worried about you.

Moi?

Okay. So, what's up?

We're worried about you and this affair with your boss.

Forrester?

Come on. He's wonderful. Forrester is married.

Leslie, this is the '80s.

I bop him for a few years, get his job when he gets his hands caught in the vault, become a legend, do a black-mink ad, get caught in a sex scandal, retire in massive disgrace, write a huge bestseller and become the fabulous host of my own talk show.

Well, silly of us to worry.

JULES: It really is. He's helped me so much.

I mean, he's come up with so many alternatives for my step-monster's funeral.

That's another thing. You seem obsessed with this woman's dying. lt's creepy.

Well, it turns out cremation is just as expensive as the non-torch method.

And if I don't come up with a cheaper solution, I'm gonna end up a bag lady.

Of course, I'll have alligator bags.

Oh, no. Do you know what? I've gotta go. l just remembered I'm supposed to meet Forrester.

Jules, you haven't even touched your food.

That's okay. l really didn't want any. l'll talk to you guys later. It's been a wonderful talk.

Nice meeting you, Myra.

I'll talk to you guys later, okay? Sorry. l have to go.

Oh, God. I told you.

LESLIE: Why is it that you and Jules and my mother and everyone l know are so sure I should marry Alec?

WENDY: Well, if you and Alec don't get married, l don't know who should.

LESLIE: I love Alec.

It's just scary to think of spending my whole life with him.

Then again, it's scary to think of life without him too.

Men. Can't live with them, can't sh**t them. Can't sh**t them.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Seen Billy?

I was wondering how long it was gonna take until you asked me that.

I know. It's like stopping smoking.

I go as long as I can, and then l just gotta have a hit.

Alec's got him working for this Korean gangster, and l think actually Billy's doing a really good job.

Great.

That's great.

What? It's great.

[FEE WAYBILL'S "YOU'RE STILL LAUGHlNG" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

[MUSlC STOPS]

Kim...

I thought you were coming back on Thursday.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[RAINDROPS PATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Watch your step.

[KIRBY BREATHlNG HEAVILY]

MAN: Excuse me, sir, do you have an invitation?

Excuse me.

Kirby!

How are you?

I'm obsessed, thank you very much. DALE: But you don't even know me.

I'm very average. Full of flaws.

I'm a slob. I can't even make a bed straight.

I steal People magazine from my dentist's office.

And look.

I rarely take out the garbage.

Here's my roommate, Judith. She hates me.

I hate her.

[INHALES]

DALE: And here's the worst of all.

When I first decided to be a doctor, I thought it was because l wanted to serve people.

But now, well, I'm starting to get this funny feeling that what medicine's really all about is money.

Would you like some coffee? It's money, isn't it?

Yes, of course, that's what you're trying to tell me. It's because I don't have money.

Thank you for being so honest.

Kirby!

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

Get off! It's Billy Hicks, man!

The man, the myth, the legend! The one and only Billy the Kid!

[WHlSTLE BLOWS]

[YELLING lNDISTINCTLY]

Seems like old times, huh, Billy-boy?

Old times.

Troy, man, I was thinking that maybe I could get a job on campus with the students, you know. The fraternity, coaching. Anything.

Oh, yeah. We could use somebody like you around here, Billy.

Really? Yeah, we need somebody to get us some good dr*gs, man.

Come on, let's go play some ball.

What is that, your rattle?

Hi, babe. Hi.

Remember Ray Slater?

The guy l was going out with before l met you?

Well, he came by to see me yesterday.

He still wants to marry me.

He said he'd take care of me and Melody.

Don't you give up on me.

We could probably still get an annulment.

No!

I'm gonna change. I'm gonna get the right job.

There's gonna be no more drinking. And no more women.

You're not gonna believe how out of hand it's gonna be.

I work out of my house. You must be available 24 hours a day.

Complete discretion and loyalty. $500 a week.

I'm your man, Mr. Kim.

I must be able to trust you with my house, my car, my private affairs.

Look no further, Mr. Kim. I'm your man.

That's her. Now open the door. WOMAN: Give me a break, will you?

Get out and open the door. That's your job.

Hi, Dale. Kirby, what are you up to?

Well, l was handpicked as special attaché to Mr. Kim Sung Ho.

The famous Korean entrepreneur? What about medical school?

Foolish pipe dream, Dale. I had to grab my huge financial opportunities while I could.

It's all about money, right, Dale? Well, good luck.

Look, l'm throwing a little party at Kim's house on Saturday night.

I'd really like to see you there.

Thanks, Kirby. I'll try. Good deal.

Did you see her face? She'll be there.

Mr. Kim finds out you're having a party at his house Saturday night, you'll be out in the street.

No way. He won't be home until Sunday.

Besides, there's an extra $1 00 for you to keep your mouth shut.

Ooh.

[JON ANDERSON'S "THIS TIME IT WAS REALLY RIGHT" PLAYlNG]

So does this mean that you're officially engaged?

Uh, yeah. No.

It means l'm officially thinking about it.

What is this, Howie? Didn't you think that women were always dying to get married?

Not to me.

[JON ANDERSON'S "THIS TIME IT WAS REALLY RIGHT" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, God, look at this. You look great.

So where's the beautiful doctor we've all been hearing so much about?

She's on her way. You are so wrong.

College is like this four-year delusion so you don't have to deal with reality.

Hi, Les, Wen. WENDY: Hi.

KEVIN: l mean, you're like lambs waiting to be slaughtered, you undergrads.

I take it medical school is now out. Absolutely. l am now a student of life.

Hi. Hi.

This is my friend Howie Krantz. Billy Hicks.

Hi, Billy.

Uh, well, we'll see you a little later.

A friend of yours? Huh-huh-huh.

Billy, l want you to know I'm not gonna be getting you any more jobs.

Al, you're so perfect. Such a young god.

You not only have the right stuff, you have the right job and the right hair.

I, of course, have the wrong hair.

Forrester said he wanted to know exactly what l'm looking for in this relationship.

So l told him love, companionship and the vice-presidency.

Jules, it sounds like you have your boss wrapped around your little finger.

Did I ever tell you what he likes me to do with my little finger?

How's your stepmother? Hanging on, the old witch.

Oh, but l did find this place in California. lt's called the Neptune Society.

They just wrap her up and feed her to the sharks for $500.

All I have to do is ship her there. She's worse.

It's gonna be a long night.

Yeah, hi. By any chance, did Dale Biberman get called in on an emergency duty tonight?

No?

Okay. Thanks.

So how you doing? Fine.

Are you still living at home? Yeah. How about you?

Felicia hasn't kicked me out yet.

You been playing your sax? No. I hocked it to pay the phone bill.

Have you forgiven me for being such a horse's ass?

There's nothing to forgive. Actually, I should thank you.

It helped me grow up a lot, made me see how stupid I was being.

Trusting a guy like me.

You're very talented, Billy.

So are you still a virgin?

That's none of your business.

Well, then l want you to make another emergency breakthrough. Do you hear me?

What do you mean, she won't release it? Did you tell her who's calling?

Did you tell her I was giving a g*dd*mn party for her?

[JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE (MAN IN MOTlON)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Make room. The kid can't fly on one wing.

Come to Mama.

ALEC: Quiet, please!

Quiet, please!

Quiet, please. Everyone!

[MUSlC STOPS]

Thank you.

Big Al has an announcement to make!

Oh, well, now we're excited.

Huh-huh-huh.

On June 1 , Leslie Hunter will do me the long, long, long-awaited honour of becoming my bride.

You're all invited!

Thank you very much.

Howie, what do you say we make this a double wedding?

[JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE (MAN IN MOTlON)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

What's the matter with you? Cut it out!

I thought we discussed this at home. We come here, and you completely discount me.

I'm just trying to facilitate the marriage process.

Do you want marriage, Alec, or so you just want a yearly Christmas card with the Newbarys in front of a fireplace?

You're just afraid to commit. No, I'm not afraid to commit.

I have to have something for myself first before I can share it with you.

Will you just for once not use as the excuse for not marrying me your g*dd*mn career?

Fine. All right then.

I have a better excuse.

What are we gonna do about your extracurricular love life?

Huh?

What extracurricular love life?

Alec, come on.

What did Kevin tell you?

Nothing.

[MUSlC STOPS]

What did you tell her? What did you tell her?

He told me nothing.

It was just a hunch. Until now.

I want you out of the apartment tonight.

JULES: Kev, are you okay?

BlLLY: That's okay.

It's cool. lt ain't a party till something gets broken.

[JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE (MAN IN MOTlON)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

We're swinging now.

Get off the phone and open up this g*dd*mn door!

Are you the maniac that's been trying to cut in on my line?

Oh, of course. I should have known.

Where the hell is Dale? She went skiing.

KlRBY: What do you mean? Where? Why should I tell you?

Because I'm not responsible for what I'll do to you if you don't.

JULES: Which one is yours? I always forget.

BlLLY: So do l.

Let's go get a drink.

You want to?

Yeah, l do. I've had a sh*t day.

I've had a sh*t year. Where should we go?

I think the bars are closed. Mm, yeah.

We could go to your place. Okay.

Jules...

you know, you have really grown into a fine-looking woman.

I don't feel very fine-looking.

You know, there's something l've been wanting to ask you all night.

What you got on underneath that skirt?

You should know.

Billy.

Come on. Don't save it for your boss.

Can you keep a secret? I have kept many secrets.

Billy, enough.

Enough!

Says who?

I say.

Oh, you say. That's right.

I bet you wouldn't have so much to say with me in your mouth.

Billy, l'm serious. I said no!

Billy, give me my keys.

Come and get them. You sh*t, give me my keys!

Come here. No! Give me my keys!

[DOGS BARKING]

Come on! I'm getting a boner now!

Yes. Give me the keys!

I love it!

Give me my keys.

Oh, watch the crease. Watch the crease.

I needed a friend tonight.

Get back in the Jeep and assume the missionary position.

You break my heart.

Then again, you break everyone's heart.

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Jules.

Hey, Jules, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

MAN: Who is it? Is Dale Biberman in there?

MAN: Who wants to know? Kirby Keger!

Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you?

Kirby. What are you doing here?

Who is that?

DALE: Stop him, Guy. Will you? GUY: I'm buck naked.

Kirby, stop! Come inside!

This guy is crazy.

Come on, you've got no snow tyres or chains. You've got no traction.

DALE: Kirby, please.

You're not gonna get out of here tonight. Come on inside.

I'll stay in the car!

He wants to stay in the car. He'll freeze.

People have d*ed out here, you know.

So just leave me alone, all right!

Just get away from me and leave me alone!

[ENGINE REVVING]

Kirby, please come inside.

Ta-da.

I haven't been here for a long time.

It's still the same. You know, small and ugly.

But then again, it is small and ugly. Here.

You sure you don't wanna go to some nice, ladylike hotel?

No. No, l'll be fine here for tonight.

As long as l'm not putting you or Kirbo to any trouble.

No, it's fine.

Is that a coffin?

Yeah. l got it because I thought girls would think it was sexy.

And do they?

How would l know?

Well, you better not let Jules see it, because she'll probably steal it for her stepmother.

You want to sit down there?

When did you win all these writing awards?

Oh, never. They're more effect to impress young ladies.

Oh, l did win something.

In eighth grade I won Best Haiku Poem.

I b*at out David Autry.

Quite a thrill.

So l've wandered into a real woman trap here, haven't I?

Yes.

Only you're the first woman I ever got up here, and I blew all my props already.

You want some brandy? Yeah.

Yeah? Good.

Am l part of your props?

DALE: Your clothes should be dry in a few hours.

He's a doctor, isn't he? And here are some pyjamas.

You expect me to wear his pyjamas?

We'll talk in the morning.

Alec was the first. You know?

I mean, there were other guys for me in high school.

Boys.

Alec was the first love of my life.

Do you know, I sometimes think if we hadn't ended up in the same dorm, I would have just met someone else. So would he.

Alec had the luck of geography, right?

Whatever we say about Alec we'll regret tomorrow.

Tell me something.

What do you think about our relationship as an outsider? I want you to be honest.

Really. You want me to be honest?

I don't know.

Yes. Yeah?

Okay.

Dangerous question.

Well, l think l hang around you guys so much personally because, well, you're all l think about.

Me?

And l think that the reason I'm not interested in other women and why I haven't had sex in so long is because I am desperately, completely in love with you.

Ooh.

Kevin.

We won't even remember this tomorrow, huh?

It is tomorrow.

Oh, l love you! I've always loved you!

Ow!

Oh, l'm sorry! No, no, I love it! l love it!

What are you doing? Nothing. Where is this thing?

It's in the front. Okay. Wait.

[LAUGHING]

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

[SCREAMS]

Kevin!

I broke your shower!

[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]

Kirbo?

No.

Alec.

I gave him a key.

ALEC: Okay, Kevin.

I'm only gonna ask you this once.

Did you tell Leslie about my screwing around?

No.

ALEC: I believe you, Kevin.

I want you to know that I believe you, and l'm sorry l hit you.

Kevin.

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

I don't think

that I am ever gonna be able to get Leslie back.

KEVIN: Buddy, I kind of got some company.

ALEC: Oh, Jesus.

I'm sorry. KEVIN: lt's all right.

ALEC: l never thought... KEVIN: l'll call you tomorrow.

I never thought... I'll call you later.

I just assumed it was not possible.

Just a minute. Tell me. What?

Is it the fat chick from the party? Let me call you later, all right?

Come on. Come on.

No, no, no. I have to--

I have to know. Is it the fat chick from the party?

It's not the fat chick.

There is no way that this is happening.

It happened, Alec.

Alec-- Shut up!

Where is Kirby Keger?

Um...

He took my new car.

[ENGINE STRUGGLING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

GUY: It started!

You better hurry up before it starts snowing again.

So drive carefully.

GUY: Nice meeting you, Kirby.

Uh, honey, l'll get the camera, and we'll take a photo of you guys, okay?

I don't really know you that well, but you seem like a fine person.

And l want you to know I'm flattered by all this.

And deep down, l'm sure, for a long time I'll wonder if maybe somehow this isn't my loss.

[♪♪♪]

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

GUY: Smile.

There you are.

Later, dude.

[LAUGHING]

Hi, Daddy. Hey, hi.

This is some neighbourhood.

Did you get your car fixed?

Yeah. l got a personal letter from Lee Iacocca.

[CHUCKLES]

I did. They fixed everything for nothing.

Good.

But I can't keep it.

I don't feel right about driving a car like that and then working with people who can't afford to eat.

Keep the car. You and Howie will need it.

Well, Daddy, I'm giving Howie back too.

I don't love Howie.

Well, we learn to love. I mean, there's marriage and there's family and the family business. That's what's important.

I have my own job. And l want to get my own apartment.

But you can keep your job until you're pregnant.

I mean, Howie's a fine boy, and l don't think you need your own apartment.

Dad.

Do you ever hear me? Well, l do.

I don't love Howie.

I don't love him.

I love Billy. Billy from the roof?

Yeah.

I specifically took off work today because I thought you weren't gonna be here.

I'm sick.

What's wrong? Just sickness.

You can't have the Pretenders' first album.

That's mine. I bought it.

You did not!

You can have all the Billy Joels. Except The Stranger.

I'm taking Thriller and Mahler's Ninth.

Kevin is so fond of Mahler. I moved in with Jules.

Oh, how nice.

Roomies again.

No Springsteen is leaving this house!

You can have all the Carly Simons.

You got me those for Valentine's Day.

Remember when there were still valentines around here?

You ran out on this relationship. You take the consequences.

I didn't run out on anything. You ran out.

You f*cked Kevin! You f*cked many!

Nameless, faceless many!

I feel much better now. Thanks.

You're not taking The Police-- Anyway, I didn't just f*ck Kevin!

I was confused and angry, and l care about him very deeply.

Get your clothes, give me the keys and get out!

Now!

I can't believe this is happening to us.

Wasted love!

God, I just wish I could get it back.

You did it!

I think I'll probably be back doing obits tomorrow.

LESLIE: No, no. You're gonna attract a lot of attention with this.

Yeah? You think? It's because of you.

Yeah, l couldn't write anything till you. What?

Don't you guys ever use a bed?

Hi, Jules. Hi, kiddies.

I'm gonna show Jules your piece.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait. What?

Hi, Ron. Hi.

Kevin has his first byline.

Really? That's great. Let me see.

"Tract Housing in Maryland"?

No, it's the other piece. Oh, "The Meaning of Life."

Listen, l gotta go. Forrester's waiting for me. Did the hospital call? Did my step-monster die?

Jules.

Listen, he's waiting for me. I gotta go. LESLIE: Jules, I wanna meet him.

Not now, but I'll have him wave up.

LESLIE: She's out of control. Since the day we met her.

Who is that? LESLIE: Jules' boss and lover.

International banking seems to have gotten sexier.

Speaking of which, I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but l was thinking maybe we'd get a place together. What?

I know it's fast, but I also know love you.

Kevin. Kevin. What?

Sex isn't love.

What's that mean? That means that you were sitting there with all these feelings, incredible feelings, tied up in a box with my pictures.

And l needed to break away from Alec.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. ALEC: Hi.

Hi.

I'm not very proud of my behaviour.

Alec.

Hang up. Who's that?

No. That's not Kevin, is it?

You're not with Kevin playing my records?

Alec, stop it, please.

Tell him we're moving in together. We're not moving in together!

So the two of you are moving in together.

I just wish everything could be like it used to be, all of us friends.

I don't want to be friends.

I didn't mean that. I mean, it was an accident.

I'm beginning to think that there aren't any accidents.

And l would really like it if you would just leave.

Okay?

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

Great.

KlRBY: You were right all along, buddy.

Love sucks. Yep.

[ELEFANTE'S "YOUNG AND INNOCENT" PLAYlNG]

So you gonna get the old job back?

No way.

Soon as I get back in school, I'm gonna work part-time for a law firm.

Did you know that there are as many students in law school as there are practising lawyers? Sounds familiar.

I always thought we'd be friends forever.

Yeah, well, forever got a lot shorter suddenly, didn't it?

Okay, call Mary Dusit at that number.

Yeah, l'll call.

I'll call you back.

Alec, l'm sorry to bother you here.

Did you forget one of your albums?

It's Jules.

After she left for work this morning, some finance company came. They took away her furniture, her Jeep, everything.

I tried to reach her, but I couldn't get through, so l went over to her office.

She's been pretending to go to work every day, telling me she's still having an affair with her boss.

Alec, he fired her three weeks ago.

So l confronted her. And at first she denied everything.

But then she went crazy.

And now she's locked herself in the apartment and she won't let me back in.

Alec.

Please, I need your help.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Jules. Open the door.

Jules, open the door. LESLIE: She's in there.

She's got it dead bolted.

Jules!

What's he doing here? I called him.

Did you call all your lovers?

Is the guy who took you to your high-school prom gonna join us too?

Alec. What?

KlRBY: What's happening with Jules? She's bolted the door.

The fire escape!

Jules, open up!

ALEC: Jules, what are you doing?

You're gonna freeze to death. I think that's the idea.

LESLIE: Jules, honey, it's me!

Jules, you're really scaring me now!

The whole country's falling apart, but these bars are made perfect.

We need a hacksaw. Or an experienced thief.

I'll find Billy.

I was kidding.

He's working over at the Amoco station on Michigan.

I'll see if he's got something.

He's just around the corner. Billy's working at a gas station?

He needed the money. LESLIE: Jules!

You little sh*t! Ah!

Alec! Alec, no!

Here! What's happening?

How do you feel now, best friend? My notes!

You won't be needing your notes on the meaning of life anymore.

Alec, stop it right now! You're gonna k*ll him!

This isn't gonna solve anything, Al. Think of your political career.

Alec, stop it! After all l've done for you!

I've done a lot for you too. So why don't you just pull me up.

What you did for me, you little sh*t, was to steal the woman that I was gonna marry!

Alec!

KEVIN: Kirbo, help!

Quick! LESLIE: Help! Alec, pull him up!

Looks pretty out of hand up there.

Alec, stop it! Do you think this is helping Jules?

I love her, man.

BlLLY: Give me a hand!

[♪♪♪]

KlRBY: I got it! I got it!

You all right? Super.

I'm going upstairs.

Somebody give me a hand! Come on!

Jules, oh, my God! Jules, honey, open the door. It's so cold.

ALEC: Very noble how you ran up here to save your lover.

He's not my lover.

Jules, listen-- Bullshit!

Hey! I have never lied to you once since the day l met you, you cocky shithead! Jules!

Alec! LESLIE: We all love you.

Help!

Jules! Open this g*dd*mn door!

Blowtorch, anyone? Give it to me.

Do not hand that man a blowtorch. KlRBY: Here, put these on.

Jules, open the door! Did you hear me? Open the door or I'll bust it down!

Jules! Okay, I'm coming through this door!

You know I'm crazy enough to do it!

What's happening?

I'm going in.

Hi, Billy.

What's the big deal here?

You lost a job?

Jules, I've lost 20 of them since graduation.

Plus a wife and kid.

In a new development, a handful of hair in the shower this morning.

That's better.

You know, this smells to me like a little bit of self-created drama.

I should know. I've been starring in a few of my own.

Do you know what I've been doing every day since I got fired?

No. What?

I've been going down to the hospital and sitting with my step-monster.

We've had the best talks we've ever had.

Of course, she's in a coma, which really pisses me off.

Because all that time,

I just waited for one word from that woman about why my father hates me so much.

[SOBBING]

No.

Jules, you know, honey, this isn't real.

You know what it is?

It's St. Elmo's fire.

The electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere.

Sailors would guide entire journeys by it.

But the joke was on them. There was no fire.

There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up.

They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when things got tough.

Just like you're making up all of this.

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

We're all going through this.

It's our time on the edge.

I'm just so tired, Billy.

I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.

I just don't even know who to be anymore.

Join the club.

You know, no one was buying this together-woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.

And all this time I was afraid you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.

It's cool.

All this time l was afraid you'd find out I was irresponsible.

Ha, ha.

They're laughing.

Yeah, the hysterical laughter heard most frequently from schizophrenic paranoids.

Why don't you set up my drafting table so we can have coffee on it.

Oh, baby. I love you.

And then what happened?

That was it.

We came out of the bedroom, and then l sh*t her.

No, you did not. You saved her life.

Oh, let's not be dramatic, Wen.

So when did you get so sane?

When I realised how insane I'd been trying to be like Alec.

I'm not part of this after-college life.

Careers. Marriage.

Felicia and Melody'll be better off without me.

Did she get remarried already?

Mm-mm. ln about three or four weeks.

I was thinking of hanging around and being one of those I'll-see-you- on-the-weekend dads.

That's not what Melody needs.

Besides, it'd confuse everybody.

Billy, you don't have to.

Come on, it's not even half of what I owe you.

I'm gonna get you the rest as soon as l get settled in New York.

If l can find someone who's fool enough to let me play my sax.

Oh, they'll let you play. You're really--

Talented, Billy.

You are.

This place is great, Wen.

Yeah.

You want to know what's great?

Last night, l woke up in the middle of the night to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

And you know, it was my kitchen, and it was my refrigerator and it was my apartment and it was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've had in my entire life.

You're really going, huh?

So you still a virgin?

Why is my sexual status so important to you?

Have l abused our relationship too much,

or could I be so bold as to ask you for a going-away present?

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

Oh, God.

Good luck.

You're gonna be okay.

So are you.

Forgive me for not getting intimate.

Here. Long ride.

You shouldn't have. I know.

You're beautiful. Never shave.

Don't go changing to please me.

Bye.

Don't let her go.

Go get out of hand.

I'm gonna keep in touch.

No, you will not.

[DAVlD FOSTER'S "LOVE THEME FROM ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYlNG]

LESLIE: I can't remember who met who first or who fell in love with who first.

All l can remember is the seven of us always together.

And l've made a decision.

I think I have to be by myself for a while.

I thought I was the miracle of your life.

I thought I was the miracle of your life.

I love you both.

I'm gonna try life without any miracles for a while.

I hope we can still be friends.

Uh... Uh...

Sure. Sure.

Let's k*ll her.

[TODD SMALLWOOD'S "GIVE HER A LITTLE DROP MORE" PLAYlNG]

Well, do you want to go in and get a drink?

I gotta be at work real early tomorrow. Me too.

I need to find a job tomorrow. Me too.

Well, how about brunch on Sunday?

That sounds good. Great.

So we meet here around 1 2:30?

Yeah. Uh, why don't we go to Houlihan's?

Not so noisy. Not so many kids.

[LAUGHING]

KEVIN: Great. LESLIE: Okay, so Sunday, 12:30.

JULES: Guess what? You guys will never believe it.

I found out that it only costs $250 to bury a cat.

So l figured, why don't l just put my step-monster into a large cat suit?

ALL: Huh-huh-huh.

[ALL GRUNTING]