03x05 - P is for Pancake

[bunniefuu]

[techno music]

Hey, good morning.

That's a pretty dress.

Oh, thanks.

Just heading out to go check on my tomatoes.

You mean to that dirt patch around the corner?

Looking like that?

Who are you trying to impress?

Is it that obvious?

Only to me.

Well, her name is Malkie.

I met her at the community garden last week.

We talked for over an hour "about our love of 'Black Seaman"

It's an heirloom tomato.

Of course it is.

Yeah, she's not my usual type.

She's got this, like, all natural, kind of kinfolky vibe.

Not a stitch of makeup.

Can you tell that I'm wearing makeup?

Uh, nope. You nailed "trying not trying."

♪ ♪

Good morning, Bryce.

What are you doing at my desk?

Personal workspaces are antiquated and constricting.

At all my other companies, we hot desk.

Hot desk?

Yeah.

Everyone can sit wherever they want, whenever they want.

It fosters equality, which in turn boosts productivity.

I love it.

Becky. Get out of Diana's office.

But I'm hot desking.

No, you're not. Get up.

Get out. Now.

Does Charles know about this?

Of course.

Anyone bringing me on as an investor knows that I'm a disruptor.

A world without hurricanes, Liza, is called a desert.

Liza. Coffee.

[sighs]

You know what, Diana?

At all my other companies, everyone gets their own coffee.

Well, at this company, Liza gets mine.

Hierarchical structures are a real drag on productivity.

French roast. Black.

Don't get the coffee, Liza.

Liza, I'm not kidding. March.

Stay, Liza.

Go.

Sit.

No... okay, you know what?

I was going to get myself a coffee, and while I'm there, I'll just...

I'll get two.

Easy peasy.

[playful music]

♪ ♪

[electronic music]

♪ Ah-oh, ah-oh, oh, oh ♪

He's abrasive.

He looks like he just came from the Shire.

He is completely dismissive of all of our traditions, and I don't care if he's "on the spectrum."

If he refers to me as "that older lady in marketing" one more time, I will smother him in his own hoodie.

Bryce could help Empirical adapt in ways that we might not think of ourselves.

Just pretend he's from a different culture.

A culture you respect.

Like the Japanese.

If that works for you.

Or the Swiss.

I mean, the Swiss are delightful.

Yes, so they are.

Is that you?

Oh, I was, uh, photographed at the opera benefit.

So funny how those things make the paper.

You look great.

And so does your... girlfriend?

Let's just say it's new.

Well, she is... really something.

She is, isn't she?

♪ ♪

Loving your hat today.

[gasps] Malkie, hi!

Hi.

Oh, I love yours too.

It's actually from my boutique on Bedford.

You have a boutique on Bedford?

How cool. What an amazing location.

Yeah, I'm... I'm lucky.

I have a pretty loyal clientele.

Mm.

Hey, I took your gazpacho advice, "and I blended the 'Black Seama" with some 'Eva's Purple Balls.'

Delicious.

Right?

They're so, like, juicy.

They blend well with almost anything.

There's something on your arm.

Oh.

Got it.

Just a tomato leaf.

Thanks.

So, um, I'm actually hosting a little event at the boutique tomorrow night to celebrate our new spring line.

Would you want to come?

I'd love to.

I'm always in the market for a new hat.

[both laugh]

Great.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Yeah, bye.

Bye.

♪ You won't let her down ♪
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ ♪

[g*nf*re]

[tires screeching]

Why are the interns playing "Grand Theft Auto" in the conference room?

[scoffs] Another Bryce disruption.

Want to complain about him over lunch?

I can't.

I have a sort of date.

What? That's great.

Lauren set me up on one of the new dating websites, HandleBar.

Is that the one for girls who want to date guys with mustaches?

No, that's Bristled Bros.

HandleBar is for people who can't handle a bar on a first date.

Oh.

He's really cute, right?

Wha... cute? He's gorgeous.

I don't know if I've ever seen eyes that green.

I know.

It's got to be FaceTuned, right?

Uh.

I just want to be realistic.

You know what they say. "Hope for the best. Brace for a serial k*ller."

Text me in case I need an excuse to bail.

You got it.

♪ Wah-ooh, ooh ♪

So wait.

You have your own imprint?

[phone chimes]

That's incredible.

_

No, I... I think what you do is incredible.

[phone chimes]

I can't imagine what it would be like to produce segments for Vice.

Have you been to Afghanistan?

Yeah, uh...

[phone chimes]

A few times.

Wow.

[phone chimes]

That's... that's intense.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I'm putting this on silent.

Me too. Airplane mode.

Um, are you friends checking in on you too?

[laughs] Yes.

This is so embarrassing, but I kind of thought your picture was just too good to be true.

[laughs]

I thought the same thing.

Never would've imagined you'd be even prettier in person.

Look, I know that I'm supposed to wait a couple of days before I ask you out again, but I'm over those kinds of games.

I know I want to see you again.

Is tomorrow night too soon?

No. Not at all.

I...

I would love that.

♪ ♪

Liza.

Apparently, Charles has a new somebody.

I need you to find out everything about this Radha woman.

Yeah, I met her at the benefit.

She seems nice. I think she works for some kind of foundation.

That's it? I need more. Her Facebook is set to private.

Oh, they're never really private.

I think there's something called Stalkbook.

I'll check it out.

Stalkbook? Really?

Is there no end to the madness?

Last week, someone suggested I get Cormac McCarthy on Snapchat. The man is 83.

I know it's overwhelming, but it's not as hard to adapt as it seems.

Oh, not to you. You've been texting since birth.

Uh, right.

But even so, I mean, it's less about learning new things and more about letting go of old things.

What do you mean?

Uh, take voicemails, for instance.

Maybe stop leaving those.

They're now officially considered annoying.

Interesting. What else?

Email is on its way out.

Texting is best, the less punctuation the better.

Horrifying. Go on.

Oh, and don't say "dot com" anymore.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And maybe think about softening your look.

I mean, just a little.

Like, be... comfortable.

I am comfortable.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Thanks.

[indistinct conversation]

He picked up the tab and paid for my Uber back to the office.

If this is dating, dating is easy.

Whoa. He is, like, Hemsworth hot.

Wait, is he a Hemsworth?

Wait, wait. Are those color contacts?

Oh, my God.

No.

And in person, they twinkle.

Oh, that explains the lens flare on the photo.

What is the catch?

Is he a himbo?

No, he went to Columbia.

Theater major?

Engineering plus dual minors in film and Russian literature.

Strong combo.

Russian literature.

So he's boring.

He's been to North Korea.

Self-centered?

A mansplainer?

Bad dresser? Cargo pants?

No. Totally on fleek.

Okay, no. Two things.

Never say "on fleek" again, all right?

That is beyond over.

More importantly, you might have a big problem here.

He... he sounds like a diamond in the rough, okay?

And you cannot squander a diamond in the rough, not in these dark dating times.

All right, you put him on the back burner and find yourself a bad pancake first.

What's a bad pancake?

It's this theory that the first guy that you date after a serious relationship is doomed to be the bad pancake.

Yeah, because the first pancake always gets burned.

The bad pancake never turns out to be a real relationship.

It's predestined to fail.

That's not true.

I mean, technically, I'm Liza's bad pancake.

I'm still here.

Yeah, and you two are the picture of a stable relationship.

Listen, guys, Max is throwing a party tomorrow night with some of the other intern friends from his hospital.

You guys should all come, and bring Lucas, all right?

I want to check him out for myself.

Maybe a quick hello.

Okay, we'll stop by.

Uh, is Max okay?

Oh, yeah, no, no, no. He's fine.

Yeah, he's just power napping.

His shift started at 4:00 a.m., and then he had to stay late to reattach a thumb.

Wait, do you guys want to see a pic of the thumb before they reattach it? No.

Yes, yes!

Yes.

[rock music]

♪ I paint my nails the color of my heart ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Dressed to the nines ♪

Hello.

Something's different about you.

Can't quite put my finger on it.

Oh, you can put your finger on it.

Liza.

[snaps fingers]

Well?

I love the jeans. You look...

Not the jeans.

Radha. Details.

Oh, she's the director of the Rockefeller Repositioning Fund.

So she's a do-gooder?

On a vast scale.

She speaks four languages, law and environmental studies degrees from Yale, plus she has a line of cruelty-free handbags.

Where do the profits go?

Back to the worker-owned factory in Pakistan.

k*ll me.

But you know what?

I bet she's just the bad pancake.

The what?

It's this theory that the first person you date after a serious relationship is doomed to be the bad pancake because the first pancake...

Always gets burned!

Yes, definitely.

She is definitely the bad pancake.

Yeah, so...

[stammers]

So the jeans.

Too much?

You look great.

Totally on fleek.

What? Fleek? I'm... I'm not familiar with that phrase. Should I be?

Actually, don't bother. I think it's already over.

Mm.

♪ ♪

So far, the "P is for Pigeon" reviews are lining up nicely, and we...

I've been invited to Summit, and I have to prepare a speech.

We're in a meeting, Bryce.

Right, I should have prefaced with "excuse me."

So the speech needs...

What is Summit?

It's an elite tech conference.

The most elite in the world.

They want to hear my ideas for reinventing an old media company.

By "old media," you mean books?

Yes. Metadata-wise, interactive digital books are clearly where the industry is heading.

When people read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," they want to actually enter Narnia, not just read about it.

Isn't that what your imagination is for?

I always hated the end of "The Great Gatsby," you know?

We could issue an interactive version where readers decide that Gatsby never gets shot in that pool.

Spoiler alert.

Why are you even here?

Meetings are open to everyone now.

Okay, so you and your esteemed protégé over there think it would be a good idea to rewrite one of the most iconic American classics of all time?

Why not?

We could even deconstruct the entire e-book model, you know?

Make all of Empirical just an app.

Wow, that's really, uh, depressing.

It's also not going to happen, but I am doing my best to appreciate your enthusiasm, Bryce.

If I may resume.

"P is for Pigeon" was released today, and...

It won't sell.

Metrics indicate people actively dislike pigeons.

It is not literally about pigeons.

It is a metaphor based on the life of Martha, the world's last known living passenger pigeon, and you would know that, if you had ever bothered to read it!

Excuse me.

[playful music]

I offended them. Why?

Uh, you just said you wanted to reduce a century of literary distinction down to an app.

And that's offensive, how?

[techno music]

♪ ♪

Do you think actual books could really become just a novelty?

Truth?

Yeah, probably.

Look at newspapers.

Yeah, and quaaludes.

No, no, not for you. Stop.

It's for Maggie's new garden crush, Malkie.

I'm telling you, she and I have this amazing unspoken erotic spark.

She invited me to this party, and I'm bringing my famous Bolognese.

It's an aphrodisiac.

The secret is the sausage.

I thought you guys avoided sausage.

[both laughing]

[phone chimes]

_

Oh, we got to go.

We have a doctor's appointment.

Doctor's appointment.

Good luck.

Bye. I'll save you some.

[upbeat music]

♪ Let me hear you say ♪
♪ ♪

Mm.

[loud conversation and cheering]

Ah, ah! There you are.

Where have you been?

The nitrous t*nk is already kicked.

Hey, guys. Want a shot?

[laughs]

Oh.

Nice.

Hey, this is Liza. This is Josh.

Hi, I'm Lucas.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So, uh... everyone here is a doctor?

Or sleeping with one.

Looks like somebody needs a refill.

Yeah, we should go put these beers in the fridge.

Okay.

[whispering] He's so cute.

[whispering] I know, right?

Okay, okay, that beautiful man is soul mate material.

Dude, you cannot date him right now.

Your mixed-up widow brain is going to eff it the eff up.

Oh, my God.

I will, won't I? Damn it.

Okay, put that quality batter back in the fridge and find a bad pancake.

You know what I'm tired of?

All these... these wannabe MILFs blaming us for their inability to get preggo.

Like every day.

Wannabe MILFs?

Yeah, yeah, these hot older women who want to be moms but have no idea their ovaries are basically toast.

I tell all my patients over 35 to wake up and smell the biological clock.

Want a hit?

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

There you are.

I was scared you were hiding from me.

Were you hiding from me? What is it?

If it's something I did or said...

No, oh... oh, my God, you... you didn't do anything.

You're... great.

It's just that I am finally getting back on my feet after an intense relationship that ended in an even more intense way.

We've all had bad endings to relationships.

Trust me.

Not like mine.

I know that we just met, but I think that we could have something, and my friend has this bad pancake theory where...

I know the bad pancake theory.

I have sisters.

Wait a second.

I think I understand.

You don't want me to be the bad pancake.

Is that it?

I get it. You need some time.

I can give you that.

Really?

You don't meet girls worth waiting for every day, so when you do, you wait.

So what you're saying is, when a woman, like, turns, I don't know, say, 40, the chances of her getting pregnant are, like, what?

Cut in half?

More than half, brah.

Once you hit 35, shit starts to break down.

Really?

That's why I'm sh**ting mine out in my 20s!

Uh, yeah. Getting pregnant in your 20s is like catching a cold.

Wow. Hmm.

[string music]

♪ ♪

Maggie.

You made it.

Hi.

Come in.

Wow.

Um, it... it's not what I expected.

Ooh, uh... buying this. Love it.

Yeah, my store specializes in stylish clothing for the modest woman.

Mostly Orthodox Jewish women.

Right.

[stammering] Yeah, I mean, of course.

Oh, this sauce looks amazing.

What's in it?

Oh, it's, um... It's a sausa...

You know, it's a bad batch.

Are you okay?

Mm, fine. Yeah, great.

I have a confession to make.

Um, I must be off my game or something, because I kind of missed a few things.

I thought you were gay, not Orthodox.

Well, why can't I be both?

I'm what you might call... an Orthodyke.

[upbeat music]

Is that medical grade?

Chemo wing at the hospital.

Oh, my God. Amazing.

What?

Uh, "P is for Pigeon" was just nominated for the Man Booker Prize.

Is that good?

Yes.

It's one of the most prestigious awards in publishing.

Amazing, babe. Congrats.

Thank you. It's all Diana's doing.

I have to call her. I'll be right back, okay?

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

[phone vibrating]

It's late. What did you do?

Are you sitting down?

Liza, please.

Okay, well...

It was what?

The... the Booker?

Are you sure?

Uh, well, how did you find out?

No, no, I don't have Google Alerts.

Perhaps my assistant should set it up.

Okay, well, um... thank you for informing me.

[playful music]

[cheers quietly]

Thank you for being so cool.

I'll be thinking about you the entire tram ride home.

Tram?

Yeah, uh, I live on Roosevelt Island.

You live on Roosevelt Island?

Like, you live there. Full-time.

Uh, yeah.

I actually... I...

I bought my place there.

I got a great deal on it.

Bought.

Did you just say you live on Roosevelt Island?

Like... like, you... You live there, live there?

Wasn't it a leper colony?

Is it true there's a curfew?

Do Ubers even go there?

Roosevelt Island. Oh, my God, I was wrong.

He... he is your bad pancake.

In fact, he is the perfect bad pancake.

Okay, don't you think that we could work some...

Girl, are you fully registering?

[whispering] He lives on Roosevelt Island!

[whispering] Oh, my God.

You're right.

That's my bad pancake.

Tram slam him.

Then you come straight home.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪
♪ Go hard, go hard, go hard, go hard ♪
♪ Drop it, now stop ♪
♪ Where you at? Who you with? ♪
♪ Where you from? ♪

Well, that was unexpected.

[laughs]

You are all over the place, and I like it.

♪ ♪

Lucas, I'm sorry, but...

I'm not getting off the tram.

What? Why?

Wait.

Is this because I live on Roosevelt Island?

You think I'm the bad pancake.

No. Maybe.

Oh, my God. Okay, yes.

I'm so sorry.

It's really not that bad here.

It's like the Ile Saint-Louis of Manhattan.

There's even talk about getting a Whole Foods.

I got a great Mexican place by me that also serves sushi.

[upbeat music]

[tram bell rings]

♪ ♪

[mouthing words]

♪ ♪

Hey, do you want a Xanax?

What? No.

Where did you get a Xanax?

Some drunk neurologist gave me some party favors on the way out.

[laughs]

I had no idea doctors were so chill.

Yeah.

Uh, so what was, um...

What was with all the pregnancy questions?

What?

I don't know, babe.

I'm just curious, I guess.

Hey, why did you decide to have Caitlin so young?

I didn't exactly decide.

I guess you could say I caught a cold.

And it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.

[laughs]

You ever think you'd catch a cold again?

I don't think so.

I'm still getting over the first one.

♪ ♪
♪ You're hopeless in love ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Bryce.

I have something you can talk about at your Summit.

"P is for Pigeon"... You know, the book you said no one you read...

Has been longlisted for the Man Booker Prize.

[applause]

The Booker? Oh, my God, Diana.

That's fantastic.

Isn't it?

No one at Summit will care about that.

People at Summit might not care, but I sure do.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Everybody, congratulations.

Bryce, I've been thinking about your ideas for Empirical, and I think you're wrong.

I doubt that. I'm rarely wrong.

Wait, wrong about what?

The future of this company, of books.

I believe great literature will survive, because we need great stories.

I can't help it. I'm a hopeless romantic.

Like Don Quixote.

Yeah, hopefully less delusional.

You are delusional if you can't see that it's time to either evolve or die like an extinct pigeon.

My disruptions are gonna save your company.

Rewriting Fitzgerald is not a disruption.

It's a desecration.

Well, I'm not gonna invest in your company if you aren't gonna listen to my ideas.

Well, then... maybe you shouldn't invest in our company.

Then congratulations on rendering your company nugatory.

I'll have my lawyers contact yours.

♪ ♪

Hey, I just want you to know that what you just did back there is what makes Empirical extraordinary.

It's why I'm so happy to be working here.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I just hope I didn't talk myself onto the brink of bankruptcy.

[laughs] Well, me too, obviously, but... you followed your heart, and that's what's important.

Yeah, well, sometimes I can be impulsive when I'm following my heart.

♪ Don't know which way it will go ♪
♪ Take every day as it comes ♪
♪ We'll knock 'em down like dominoes ♪