07x06 - The More You Ignore Me

[bunniefuu]

[ Ducks chirping ]

Come on. Why aren't they transferring to me?

I look just like you.

Maybe I don't have the scent right.

A few weeks ago, I found a nest of duck eggs.

I, uh... I lovingly nursed them, and then, uh, by some... sick fluke, Claire was the only one there when the ducks were born, so they imprinted on her.

Oh, I didn't do it on purpose.

Then make them come back to me.

Mm.

[ Telephone rings ]

Who's calling at this hour?

[ Beep ]

Hello?

Yes?

Luke's been arrested!

[ Birds chirping ]

Well, good morning, Leonard.

Leonar--

I know it's not my well-behaved son, Luke, who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.

I took the car for a good reason.

Sarah Fisher's cat died, and she was devastated, so I thought she might make out with me.

I got caught two blocks away from her house.

Everyone is having great luck with girls except for me.

And I mean everyone.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

When is a tuba-strap rash not a tuba-strap rash?

When it's hickeys.

You know, we're gonna have to ground you, and I was thinking that --

Oh, we're doing way more than that.

Landon has a $300 fine to work off.

We could fight that -- Say the cop was r*cist.

Even if we lose, it'll start a conversation.

You made a mistake, you pay the consequences, Levon.

Your first job is cleaning out the awesome village I built for my ducks.

Aren't they mom's ducks?

Do you really want to test me right now?!

Well, you, sir, take your time deciding.

We'll be here just as sure as a coonhound takes a summer nap in the shade of a chifferobe.

OK, now you're just randomly throwing words together from "To k*ll a Mockingbird."

It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm, or what we're calling...

Tomatogeddon.

So they made an extra-large batch of Tucker's famous, and we're selling it at the Farmers' Market.

Now, when you say "famous" --

It's known Missouri-wide.

A death-row inmate requested it for his last meal.

Well, at least I'm trying to sell.

What is going on?

After buying whatever they're selling, I'm guessing people are plum out of spending money.

Wait. No.

It's Andrew and Simon.

Thank you. Oh.

Hello.

Oh, hello!

Here to try our hand-caught artisanal trout jerky?

No.

It's selling like hotcakes.

Actually, better.

See the vegan hotcakes stand?

Next to the bespoke honey stall.

We should be careful. This market might be a trick to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot.

I'm actually glad you're here.

We're looking for a new senior associate, and I was gonna call you.

Call me what? A has-been?

"Mitch ado about nothing"?

Why am I doing your work for you?

Look, on a social level, I find you hopeless, but I always thought you were a good lawyer --

Maybe a great one at the right firm.

Honey, did you bring the other cash box?

This one's filled up.

Think about it.

Come on, Joe!

I don't want to learn!

But you have to learn!

And it's so easy.

Look, first, you make the little man, then you tie the rope around its throat --

No!

Joe, don't worry about tying your shoes.

That's for big boys.

Don't tell him he can't.

He can't, but he'll be fine -- Kid has thick, beautiful hair.

Can I get back to work now?

You're working?

But it's not between 10:00 and 2:00, Monday through Thursday.

Well, I wasn't gonna tell you guys, 'cause I knew you'd make a big fuss, but the Chamber of Commerce is giving me the Titans of Industry award.

They asked me to make a video for the ceremony about what drives me.

Jay: After 30 years and over a hundred thousand hanger rods installed, some people would kick back and relax.

Not me. I'm Jay Pritchett.

[ Telephone rings ]

Pritchett's closets.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down!

How many closets do you need?

Yeah. I can handle that.

It's great.

I'm starting over.

Why?

You guys were bored, and the video obviously doesn't capture my essence.

You think that fellow Titan Ed Fisk, the Lion of Linoleum, would make that mistake?

How big is this event?

Is there going to be a red carpet?

No, but Red Murtaugh, of Red's Carpets, will be there.

I'm walking with giants, Gloria, and that's a good way to get stepped on.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, there are two over there.

Oh, good. For a second, I didn't think we were gonna find...

Hey, isn't that Beth and Andy?

Um, actually, uh, those two are better.

But all those people would be between us.

Yeah, but, you know, we spent all day together.

I just --

Hey. Hey, you two.

Hey, Andy. Very cool you're not fat anymore.

Hi! Nice to see you guys!

We really should go find seats before the m--

Man: Sit down, please.

[ Clank ]

Ever since Andy got engaged, things between us have been weird.

Like "a woman with olive skin trying to pull off red hair" weird.

I just wanted to watch the movie and get out of there before it got awkward.

Woman: I still think about you.

Man: Me too. But I'm with someone else now.

I made a commitment.

But do you really love her?

Zombie!

[ g*nsh*t ]

Got it!

Anyway, we really should have told each other how we felt.

Nothing? Really?

I could not get out of there fast enough.

What's the rush? Sometimes they put a funny skit thing after all the names.

Hey. Guys, wait up.

You want to go grab a burger and a beer next door?

Well, I --

I definitely do.

That movie brought up so much for me.

Plus, I got to take my pill with food.

Yeah, I'm not so sure --

You're coming.

Oh.

Maybe if you're there, he won't try and do his adorable British character for the hostess.

Will you put this in my veggie burger and not tell me where it is?

Hey, Lloyd, it's your dad, A.K.A. your worst nightmare.

Just reminding you the duck village needs to be clean enough to eat off of.

You hear me? You better not have.

You're not allowed to use your phone.

Yep, I'm everywhere.

[ Beep ]

You think maybe you're being a bit hard on Luke?

We're his parents, Claire.

It's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

I actually like that he's being a little bit rebellious.

Sometimes, between the magic and the trampolining, I think he's getting a little... You know.

What are you trying to say, Claire?

A little... me?

There it was again, the insinuation that I'm not dangerous enough for her.

Apparently, she's forgotten I've been to jail.

I once led 20 violent inmates in a therapeutic tumbling class.

It was a huge success.

Could I have made the participation trophies a little less stabby?

Sure.

But overall, a huge success.

When you say you're happy about Luke being a rebel, it sounds a little like you're also saying...

Are you wearing my perfume?

It was to trick the ducks.

Oh.

But like I was saying --

Hey, is that Alex?

It is. That's weird.

She said she was gonna be at school all weekend studying.

[ Beep ]

[ Ringing ]

Hello?

Hey, honey. - Hi! I'm here, too. How are you doing, honey?

Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm doing some work. Really busy.

Well, that's interesting, be--

Yeah, we've got a boring day ahead of us, too.

Heading down to the impound lot to pick up the car because, yes, your brother got arrested last night.

Oh! Okay. Well, that's great.

Yeah, I really got to go. I left my stuff in the library.

And I'm really worried someone's gonna steal my snacks.

Okay, bye!

Why did you stop me? I was gonna bust her.

What? In a little lie? I mean, come on.

She's probably visiting a friend and she didn't want to hurt our feelings.

She barely reacted when she heard that Luke got arrested.

She's obviously hiding something.

And now she's walking into that liquor store.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, this is serious.

A college student is visiting a friend, and they're buying beer!

[ Gasps ] Relax, Phil.

This girl has two patents.

What she needs is two parents.

OK, my point is it wouldn't hurt Alex to loosen up.

I mean, I'm worried that she's getting a little...

There it is again.

Just say it, Claire --

You like our kids running wild 'cause you're worried they're too much like their namby-pamby dad, Mr. Goody-Goody, Mayor of Vanillatown.

Is this 'cause the ducks like me better?

That is biological, and you know it.

There are videos of them online following around a vacuum cleaner.

They're basically idiots!

Oh, my god. Hang on. She's getting into that van.

Oh, now we're concerned!

Yes, I'm concerned!

That is a sketchy repair van that is probably being driven by some middle-aged pervert with one long fingernail that she met online.

[ Tires squeal ]

Oh, my god, go! Follow them!

[ Sighs ]

Thank you for lending us Manny's easel.

Did everyone love the sauce?

Well, if by "everyone" you mean a thousand bees and a pony that escaped from the riding circle, yeah.

Oh, no -- Is this one of those video wills where you make us compete in a scavenger hunt for your inheritance?

No. It's the video for my Titan Award. I told you about it.

I'm trying to project strength and confidence.

Maybe you should lose the Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug on the mantel.

Good catch.

I've waited my whole life to hear you say those words.

Want to help me out here?

Yeah.

I needed the distraction.

I had spent enough of my day obsessing over Simon's job offer.

Plus, I don't know... seing my big, strong dad reach out to me in a vulnerable way, it was -- It was kind of touching.

The red button! How do you not see it?!

Before you got here, I was turning it on with a broom!

Now just -- forget it. Let's get lunch.

If I could just --

Come with me!

Okay, hold the sauce in your mouth, swirl it around --

Really coat your tongue. Now swallow.

Mmm!

Right?

Much better.

[ Chuckles ] Okay, Jay, what you're gonna want to do is hold the sauce in your mouth, sw--

I know how eating works.

Not too shabby.

Thank you.

You know who else makes a mean sauce is Gloria's dead aunt.

Oh.

Oh, there it is right there.

Try some. I'm telling you, it's life-changing.

I don't think we really need two sauces.

And sometimes, when you have sauces from --

Now you eat. - Mm.

Oh, yeah, huh?

Oh. Oh, my god. That is amazing.

Mmm.

It's a secret recipe that has been in my family for generations.

Was your sauce buried in a local time capsule during the bicentennial? Because mine was.

My great-aunt Miranda was the only one that could make it, and because I was the oldest girl that didn't marry a Peruvian, the recipe passed down to me.

Sauce me.

Right.

Ay, I don't have many things that remind me of Colombia here in the house, but now I do.

Legend has it our sauce was so secret, it was only written down one place.

We grew up eating this every Sunday, and now Manny and Joe will, too.

It was tattooed backwards on a lame stable boy.

You could only read it in a mirror.

[ Sniffs ] Mm, can I see that recipe?

Uh, uh, well, I think it's a little bit rude to read --

Ay!

You bumped my hand!

You've ruined it!

No!

No, no! I can dry it! I can dry it!

No, now the ink's running. Cam!

No, and now you have ruined my great-uncle's napkins!

Does -- okay, does everything at this table have meaning?

Hey, sorry I'm late.

My new lady, Rachel, needed help picking a pair of shorts to make her stepdad mad.

I wonder what's more of a "screw you" --

You telling me that story or that the ducks now stare at me while they slowly go to the bathroom?

Didn't you guys have three ducks?

Yeah -- one, two...

Oh, no.

Uh-oh! Dude!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[ Scoffs ] Where did he go?

Hey, look, there's a duck-call app we can use.

Oh, crap. Not her.

What happened with this one?

Well, I was seeing her for a while, then she pulled her shade down.

Classy. Get ready.

[ Ducks quacking ]

Scatter!

Uh... Uh...

What the hell are you doing?

Are you taking pictures of me sleeping in a bikini?

No! I was just trying to lure that little duckling back into my friend's yard.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god!

It's so cute!

Thank you.

You're adorable for looking after him.

[ Duck chirping ]

Hey, you know, I think I've seen you around school before.

I'm Tammy.

Manny.

You have got to be kidding me.

What drives Jay Pritchett?

A desire never to repeat himself.

Let me do that again.

What drives Jay Pritchett? An Audi.

I'm gonna start with a joke? I'm following Red Murtaugh.

The man's hilarious.

You've seen him be that baby in his ads.

Just so you know, the camera only has 11 hours of battery, so...

Let's see what we've got.

Yep.

Why do I look so pale and sweaty?

Oh, well, you're old and Irish.

Hey, um -- uh, Gloria, again, I just want to say that I'm --

You're sorry? You told me.

Yes, and, uh -- excuse me -- That it was an accident.

Was it?

Yes, of course.

I think. I -- I don't know.

You have destroyed my children's connection to their past, and you might have done it on purpose?

I'm sorry. Andrew humiliated me today at the Farmers' Market, and I've always been sauce-competitive...

Look, just let me help you re-create it.

I saw my aunt make it once when I was 8 years old.

You think I'm going to remember --

[ car backfires in distance ]

[ Gasps ] Cilantro!

What?

That car backfiring, it sounded like g*nshots.

I remember when I was a little girl in my aunt's kitchen, and she started chopping the cilantro really loud so that we couldn't hear the noise.

Yes, okay. Well, what else do you remember?

Well, nothing, Cam. It was 30 years ago.

No, the recipe is inside you! It just needs to come out!

Mommy, I found it.

[ Pig oinking ]

Lemon juice!

What?

Oh, see? I told you it's just a matter of time!

[ Siren wails ]

Capers, jalapeño, and a dash of black pepper! [ Gasps ]

It's just so sad.

The guy decides to spend the rest of his life with some zombie he doesn't love.

Your table is ready.

[ British accent ] Smashing!

A bucket of chips --

We're not doing that.

[ Normal voice ] Okay.

Hey, um, real quick --

Why wasn't it more uncomfortable for you to watch that movie?

Right. Because zombies k*lled my parents.

Oh, never mind. I forgot you can't have an adult conversation.

No, okay, yes.

If -- if we would have watched that movie a few months ago, it would have been really weird, but...

We're all good now, right?

Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I am good.

Dylan and I picked up right where we left off.

I was just checking on you.

'Cause for a while there, you were getting a little, uh...

♪ Doot-doot, do-do-do-do, doot-doot, do-do ♪

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Beth stood by me.

Well, you know, as close as she could.

Hmm.

That's when I knew I was with the right person.

And -- And don't get me wrong --

I was -- I was pretty hung up on you.

[ Chuckles ]

But once I got it down to only one woman in my head, I saw Beth in a whole new way, and we were able to move forward.

That makes sense.

I'm happy for you.

[ British accent ] Look at us, brother and sister, separated from our mum...

Oh, you're so good at that.

Hey, what do you think about inviting Haley and Dylan to the wedding?

I love that idea.

And I love you for having it.

Why do you think people stopped saying "coinkydink"?

Dylan, um...

Oh, god.

You're breaking up with me again, aren't you?

I'm sorry. I just -- I --

I feel like Andy and Beth and everyone in the world are moving forward, and we're moving backward.

Actually, we're stopping, because I want to get out of the car.

Dylan --

Stop!

I'm tired of being jerked around.

Now I'm moving forward, too.

Can't you at least call an Uber?

You know they banned me for talking too much to the drivers!

She's still not answering. I can't believe we lost them.

We're almost home. I can track her phone from the computer.

[ As Claire ] "I hope you can track her phone better than you tracked that van."

I'm sorry, Claire. Just 'cause I'm 1/64th Cherokee, it doesn't make me a natural tracker.

You realize I'm not participating in this.

Well, you made it pretty clear it was my fault we lost them due to my less-than-manly driving.

Oh, my god.

Yes, this again.

I'm not letting it go till you admit that you wish I was a --

Phil, it's the van!

In my own house?!

Oh, no!

[ Tires screeching ]

Okay, now, hang on.

Don't hold me back, Claire!

I may be one 1/64th Cherokee, but I'm also 63/64ths crazy white guy!

Where is he?!

Are you okay?

What are you talking about?

Are you okay?

I-I-I'm fine.

No, I'm sorry! I-I --

You are now!

[ Grunts ]

Reuben?

Oh, my god! I k*lled Reuben!

Oh, babe?

What's going on? That's blood.

In my defense, I didn't think anyone would ever find out.

Stay with me, Reuben!

Okay, so Reuben is the one who picked you up in the van?

Yes, it was his dad's -- Oh, my god!

Have you been following me?

He's coming to. He's gonna be fine.

No! No!

Don't try and make this our fault.

You are the one who went to the liquor store and bought -- what?

Ice.

Reuben sprained his hamstring today while playing Quidditch.

Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but Reuben?

We're in love.

Oh, shut up.

No, no, no, keep talking!

Remember what happened when you tripped and fell right before we got here?

You know what? Caltech is hard.

Between all the geniuses and breaking up with Sanjay, I just wanted something comfortable, even if it is a wormy little dork that worships me.

Oh, honey, I understand.

Oh, like mother, like daughter, I guess.

Okay. He's gonna be fine.

Phil, come over here and talk to me for a second.

Oh, okay.

Well, I guess we're done with my thing already.

If I was ever stupid enough to imply, for one second, that you were not bad boy enough for me, I couldn't possibly think that right now.

Because I att*cked a 16-year-old?

You didn't know who was in that closet.

Look, he's up.

Okay, we're gonna leave the two of you alone.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no.

Yeah, we're not gonna tell anyone about this, right?

Forbidden love. It's -- it's hotter that way.

Also, I -- I had a-a-a wand.

Um...

I hate myself so much.

Mmm! It's good.

Of course it's good. It's -- I'm sure -- o... Kay.

Oh, my gosh. It's glorious.

So much better than mine.

Well, your sauce is --

Is garbage!

Mm-hmm.

It's mostly ketchup.

Gloria, this is what we need to be selling at the Farmers' Market.

We would have them lined up clear down past the cruelty-free beaver-milk stand.

I would crush Andrew.

I cannot go back to the Farmers' Market.

The year was 2011.

I had just come back from Colombia with a box full of our family's homemade hair relaxer, the Colombian comb-out.

Friday, I sold 50 bottles, but Saturday...

It says on the bottle to leave it in for three minutes!

No, it says, "leave in for three. Minutes later, you will look fantastic."

One, two, three, comb it out.

Ay, I see how it can be confusing.

If it's true, as many people theorize that Stonehenge was, in fact, a druid closet --

Mitchell.

Hmm?

Uh, oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, good. We -- we got it!

What's with you?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I got this whole work thing stressing me out.

It's your lucky day.

You have an audience with a Titan of Industry without having to buy the $15-a-plate dinner ticket.

What's the issue?

Well, I got this job offer at this really big firm, but, um...

I've actually, uh, been thinking about maybe starting my own practice.

What's your gut tell you?

I don't know.

I-I would like to have my own firm, but that's really scary.

But this other offer is very attractive, but I'd have to report to this guy who I hate, which, you know, might be worth it for the job security --

Take the offer.

Really?

It takes a certain type of personality to run your own thing.

You have to be a fighter.

Well, this is fun.

You wanted my honest opinion.

No, Cam! I said no.

The polar ice caps are melting, gridlock in Washington --

America needs to feel good again, Gloria.

Let them taste your sauce.

What's happening now?

He wants me to sell my sauce at the Farmers' Market, but I am not interested.

I agree with Gloria.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, you crashed and burned with the hair thing.

You need more of that humiliation?

We don't know that that would happen.

Disappearing middle-class, racial unrest...

You got a nice thing going here, Gloria. Enjoy it.

What? You don't think that I can do it?

No. No, he doesn't.

He thinks that he's the only business titan in this family.

Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot do.

I have some sauce to sell.

And I'm gonna go register my new firm right now.

And I'm gonna storm out, too, even though both of those things actually make me very happy.

[ Beep ]

[ Clears throat ]

You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett?

People telling me I wasn't good enough.

There's something about a person telling you you can't do something.

Blood.

It just lights the competitive fires...

...drives us to take risks...

...opens us up to new opportunities...

Oh, hey, Sarah.

I'm sorry about your cat.

I heard you got arrested.

Everything I did, I did to prove the naysayers wrong.

So, to everyone who didn't think I was good enough --

Look, dad! I tied my shoes!

Good job, Joe!

Ah.

...how do you like me now?

Honey, I don't wanna go to this Titans dinner any more than you do, but we're gonna be late.

Phil.

Phil. Phil!

Dunphy.

What is going on?

I'm trying to pay Luke's impound fee, but this automated phone system doesn't understand anything I'm saying.

Dun-phy.

Dun-phy. Yes.

No. No. Not Bill Dunphy.

We went over my first name for 20 minutes!

Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil!