17x16 - Million Dollar Abie

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(SINGING) The Simpsons

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(HORN BELLOWING)

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(SCREAMS)

(Man on tv) Next on Fox, Carmen Electra stars in Boobs.

About a class of remedial reading students and their teacher who wants to be taken seriously.

Oh, I thought it was about her boobs.

(CLICKS)

Tonight on Jock Center, a slugger on 'roids, Tiger Woods is annoyed, and North Korean missiles deployed.

But first, the commissioner of pro football has announced plans to expand the league.

Owners will meet soon to award a new team to one lucky city.

Well, it's a cinch Springfield wont be that lucky city.

Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.

(GROANS)

Ha! (GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Oh, I've had enough of your stinkin' thinkin'.

I, Homer Simpson, will personally bring the new pro football franchise to Springfield.

(ALL LAUGH)

(MOTORIZED LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

God, we have fun.

Homie, snagging a pro football franchise is a big project requiring a lot of follow through.

And that's not your strong suit, big guy.

I'll show you all.

I'm gonna spearhead the hell out of this expansion bid.

(ALL LAUGH)

(BABBLING)

(DRILLING)

(HAMMERING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKS AND DINGS)

(LOUD CLATTERING)

(CRASHING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(CHILDREN SINGING) Ring around the rosy

Homie, you've been down here for a week.

I really think you need...

(GASPS)

What the Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise?

Marge, meet pro football's newest team, the Springfield Meltdowns!

Plus, I designed a state-of-the-art stadium.

We'll fund it with corporate naming rights.

It's the Duff Beer-Krustyburger-Buzz Cola-

Costington's Department Store.

Kwik-E-Man- Stupid Flanders Park.

So Homer do good?

Homer do great.

Uh, maybe Homer brush teeth first?

(GROANS) Oh.

Gentlemen, I've narrowed our choice of expansion cities down to two, Springfield...

Yee-haw! I own slums there!

...and Los Angeles, which has sent us this videotape.

I love LA

Oh, hi, I'm Rob Reiner, director of When Harry Met Sally.

"I'll have what she's having" was one of the lines.

I'm here to tell you why you should choose LA over Springfield.

LA has the beach, a thriving music scene, and the beautiful Getty Museum.

Springfield has Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

Hollywood takes in talented actors and writers from all over the world.

Springfield takes in garbage from other cities.

But don't just take my word for it.

Some of Hollywood's biggest stars have taken the time to sign waivers allowing celebrity impersonators to sing in this video.

Enjoy.

(ALL SINGING) LA makes great movies.

And awesome TV shows.

Springfield don't make nothin'

'Cause Springfield blows.

Springfield blows.

Springfield blows.

Yes, Springfield blows

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

I'm sick of LA.

They got earthquakes, wildfires, Benniffers, Brangelinas, and that potty mouth Sarah Silverman.

To hell with all of them!

I didn't k*ll my husband lo get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles!

Then Springfield it is!

Yee-haw!

(ALL MURMURING)

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go tell my g*y grandson I still love him.

This is Kent Brockman live at Duff Beer-Krustyburger-Buzz Cola-

Costington's Department Store- Kwik-E-Mart-Stupid Flanders Park.

In just one hour the commissioner of football will arrive to sign the contracts necessary to make Springfield the home of pro football's newest team, The Meltdowns!

I've got Melt mania.

I've got Downs syndrome!

In honor of the commissioner's visit, the city has been re-painted in the team colors and all the streets whimsically renamed.

Touchdown Avenue? Delightful!

Who you talking to? Your imaginary girlfriend?

Argh! Isn't your mother a well-known wh*re?

(GASPS) You win this round, Mel.

It is my honor to introduce the commissioner of football, Mr. Bud Armstrong!

(CHEERING)

There, uh, seems to be some delay.

Um...

Did I ever tell you people about the time I met Lloyd Bridges?

(Lenny) Yeah, you passed him in the airport!

Yes, but which airport?

(Carl) Hartsfield in Atlanta!

(HUFFS)

Ugh, this map says things like Oak Street and Evergreen Terrace.

But all I see are Two-Point-Conversion Avenue and Off-Season Knee Surgery Boulevard.

I'd better call and ask for directions.

I'll just Blackberry my assistant.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, what a day.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Who are ya? What do you want?

What year is it? Who are ya?

I have to borrow your phone. Oh, I also need to use your bathroom.

As you can tell, I've been crying.

(Man on tv) Tonight on 48 Minutes we look at America's number one problem, (TICKING)

criminals who prey on the elderly people who watch this program.

I'd go to some geezer's house and ask to use their phone or their bathroom.[/i]

Well, I'm done with the bathroom.

(SIGHS)

Now, I'm going to make that phone call. Oh.

Then I'd steal their wallets, jewelry and pictures of their grandkids.

I made a collage of these and when you step back, it looks like my face. (LAUGHS)

(HUMMING)

If I knock him out, I'll be a hero and people will listen to my loose brain nonsense.

(BEEPING)

(HUMMING)

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES)

By the shores of Gitche Gumee, by the Shining Big-Sea-Water, stood the Wiggum of Nokomis.

I'm sorry, did I just say "Wiggum"? (CHUCKLES) I meant "wigwam".

Let me, uh, start again.

(CROWD GROANING)

It's so strange that the commissioner didn't show up.

Maybe, he's thinking of a new shape for the football.

(ALL GASP)

Not so tough when someone hits you from behind with a golf club, are ya?

Grampa, that's the commissioner of football!

(STUTTERS) What the... You...

I thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy!

I am never coming back to this city!

And neither is the league!

(GASPS) You mean... That's right.

The Springfield Meltdowns Football Club shall never be!

You're a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family!

I watch the baby.

Where is the baby?

You left me with a baby?

Hey, Abe, thanks for losing us our football team!

Thanks to you, we have a $100-million stadium we can only use for farmers markets.

Nobody loves you when you're old and gray.

Nobody needs you when you're upside-down.

Everyone's hollering about their own birthday.

Everybody loves you.

When you're six foot in the ground

You're the only smile I got.

(GROANS) on.

Abe, I know you've been real depressed lately on account of everyone hating ya, including me. (SPITS)

But I thought you might want to call this number.

A doctor? I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there!

And that's just the receptionist!

Abe, Abe, Abe!

This doctor helps old people to k*ll themselves.

Euthanasia?

No way, I want to die with dignity, like slipping in the shower and then they find me two weeks later swelling up so bad they don't know if I'm man or sofa!

Just go for a visit.

There's a Howard Johnson's next door. You'll get some pie.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Mr. Simpson, you are a good candidate for assisted suicide.

Aw, I think you're cute, too.

But k*lling yourself isn't as easy as putting on an ugly sweater like you did today.

I want you to carefully think about this for 24 hours.

Oh, I see.

You want me to reconsider whether or not.

I really should give up my life.

Yeah, and we're cleaning out the death machine today.

Lotta gunk gets stuck in it.

(CLOCK TICKING)

Okay.

If I get a single phone call in the next 24 hours, I'll keep on living.

If you go, can I have your blanket and your liver?

Blanket, sure. Liver, never!

Homie, you should give your dad a call.

You can't stay mad at him forever.

Yeah, you're right.

(PHONE RINGING)

Y'ello? (GASPS) You want my opinion on current movies?

Well, first of all, they're all perfect.

Also, when's the Cap'n Crunch movie coming out?

And will it be R or hard R?

(CLOCK TICKING)

Oh, that's it. It's time for me to die.

I'll just get mad about one thing in the newspaper then go.

"President visits Europe." On my dime? (HUFFS)

I am so honored that you've chosen me to m*rder you.

You'll be following in the footsteps of Socrates, Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson and Fred Kanickee.

Who's Fred Kanickee?

My appointment before you. Nice guy.

Just a little screwed up.

Now, it is time to hook you up to the diePOD.

As you surrender your body, what music and visual imagery would you like to experience?

I want to hear the Glenn Miller Orchestra and I want to see cops beating up hippies.

Uh-huh.

(TURNS KNOB)

Hmm.

(PENNSYLVANIA 6-5000 PLAYING)

One minute to go.

Hands off the stiff, Manfred Manslaughter!

(CHUCKLES) The voters just overturned the assisted suicide law.

(GRUNTS)

I'll k*ll you all! When the law is reversed.

I'd like to see you try! When the law is reversed.

(Clancy) I think you know my brother-in-law, Fred Kanickee?

(Dr. Egoyan) Oh, boy.

(GASPS) I'm dead. I never felt so alive!

And I got my 16-year-old body back.

Woo-hoo!

(CARS HONKING)

Man: Look out!

(MAN SHOUTING)

Man: Idiot!

Now, let's see. Am I in heaven or hell?

Mmm.

That's odd. You'd think they'd come back as the cows.

Charlie Chaplin? They sure put you to work.

You said it. And you can talk. Good for you.

What. .. (STAMMERS)

You're all dead, too?

So who went berserk? Fatso or the little guy?

We're not dead and neither are you.

I'm not?

I guess if you want to commit suicide around here, you gotta do it yourself.

(All) Suicide?

Grampa, k*lling yourself is a sin.

God wants us to die of old age, after years of pain and reduced mobility.

I ain't gonna k*ll myself because I just learned something.

The brief time I thought I was dead was the happiest I've ever been because I was finally living without fear.

And dagnabit, that's the way I'm gonna live the rest of my life!

I am, I am.

I am Superman.

And I know what's happening

(ALL GASP)

I am, I am.

I am Superman.

And I can do anything

You're all gonna die in a pointless w*r.

Huh?

We're here tonight to discuss possible uses for this football stadium, including the solid gold statue of Mike Ditka with diamond eyes.

I suggest we use the stadium for the ancient art of the toreador.

Bullfighting!

Crowd: (CHEERING) Yes!

No, wait, wait! Bullfighting is a cruel pseudo-sport.

Lisa's right! It is a cool super sport!

Everyone in favor of bringing bullfighting to Springfield, say, olé.

Crowd: Olé!

So ordered! All we need now is...

Uh, er...

Uh, er...

(STAMMERING)

A matador.

If it's all the same to you, I'll take on those bulls!

Grampa, no!

Grampa, sf. If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild.

If Grampa dies, the crowd goes wild.

Either way, we make a fortune on souvenirs and snacks.

Uh, can we bring outside food?

Not even gum.

Is the practice bull ready?

Hell, yeah! (SNORTS)

Olé.

Ooh, a penny. This is my lucky day.

Ahhh!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Yep, my lucky day.

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(WHIMPERS)

(SINGING) How many bulls must my grandfather k*ll...

Aw, she's so cute.

We'll bring you the bull's heart, sweetie.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Marge: Well, I had my doubts.

But Grampa sure looks manly in those leggings.

And I don't know who's more handsome, the bull taunter or the bull stabber.

(HORN BLOWS)

(SNORTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SNORTS)

And the corrida de toros has begun!

(Commentator) The bull charges at Grampa Simpson.

(BULL GRUNTING)

(CROWD GASPING)

And he avoids the toro with a masterfui veronica!

This old man has no fear, like the fear I feel that I have left the iron on at home.

(SCREAMS) Have I? Have I?

(SNORTS)

And another veronica and another.

That last veronica means everyone here today has won a free side of rice and beans at the Springfield Taco Pronto.

Tired of waiting two hours for a taco? Go to Taco Pronto!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SNORTS)

(LOWING)

(CHEERING)

(CROWD JEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Grampa, I think you should give up the bullfighting.

Forget it! I'd look pretty stupid in this outfit walking around fighting oysters!

But you just got a new lease on life.

Why would you want to use it to hurt poor helpless animals?

Listen, I'm 83 years old and for the first time in my life, people are cheering for me.

I was always cheering for you, Grampa, till now.

Oh, how does she always know how to get to me?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Grampa Simpson's movements are tentative as if he's distracted.

Distracted as if by a moral dilemma, a moral dilemma posed by a young boy...

No, a girl. A girl named Linda. Ne, Lisa!

The flutter of the cape tells all.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

HOMER Hurry up and k*ll n.

I have to be at the opera by 7:00.

(CROWD JEERING) MAN: Come on! k*ll it! Come on!

(GRUNTS)

I don't get what he's doing and I'm smart.

Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but somethin'.

(GRUNTS)

(BULLS GRUNTING)

(GASPS) He has released the bulls from the stadium.

Thank God I am up high.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(SNORTS) (GASPS)

Please, no. I have a wife and three girlfriends.

(GRUNTS)

(LOWING)

(GAS PS)

Grampa must've set them free.

(STRUMMING)

(CROWD PANICKING)

(BULLS GRUNTING)

Oh, Gil's back on track. He's got a new job and a new red suit.

(HUMMING)

Ahhh!

If you let me go, I give you free large pizza pie with purchase of same.

Offer not good Tuesday through Sunday. We're closed on Monday.

(BULLS GRUNTING) Ahhh!

Santa Maria!

(SCREAMING)

Thanks for setting me straight, sweetie.

De nada, Grampa.

(SIGHS) It sure is peaceful up here.

(BULLS GRUNTING)

Uh-oh.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

I would like to name the following friends of mine as members of the Communist Party.

You're just here to test the microphone.

Fred Wilson, my brother Bill, Dom DiMaggio, the paper boy, Howdy Doody, Joseph Stalin...