Lola: Hey, Glenn, you want to try some peanut brittle?
Glenn: Uh, no way, Lola.
Last time you tried this on me, I opened it and a bunch of snakes popped out.
Lola: I know.
But this time, it's just peanut brittle. I promise.
Glenn: Hmm. It does look tasty.
Lola: Yeah.
Glenn: All right. Cool.
I'm gonna try it later.
Lola: Okay. See you later.
Glenn: Thank you.
Blake: You were incredible in there, Owen.
Owen: Tell me something I don't know.
Blake: Okay, uh, all interstates that run north-south have odd numbers.
Think about it. I-95, I-75.
Owen: I did not know that.
Blake: Yeah.
Owen: Now I know.
Glenn: [ Sniffs ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
It's good.
Sal: Attention, staff. Ladies get 50% off today.
We just came in for an appendectomy because it's so much cheaper tonight.
And can you give him six flu sh*ts now?
Just trying to take advantage of the ladies night discount.
Blake: Can I get some of that?
Thank you.
Glenn: Ladies night is the perfect night to meet women because it combines their two favorite things.
Blake: Cooking and cleaning?
Glenn: No.
Owen: Ryan gosling and rice pudding?
Glenn: No.
Blake: Tattoo and tattoo removal?
Glenn: No.
Saving money and taking care of their kids.
It is the perfect night to have sex with vulnerable babes.
[ Laughs ]
Cat: Ladies night sucks.
All the guys turn into walking, talking guys with penises.
Lola: Yeah!
Owen: I cannot wait to dive into some of this single-mom tail.
Glenn: [ Laughs ]
Lola: If men can't respect us women as smart and powerful colleagues that we are, then they don't deserve to be around us.
Cat: That's right.
I mean, girl doctors can be just like real doctors if we were only given a chance.
Lola: Let's get out of here.
Cat: Yeah.
Dori: Wait, doctors.
You have patients waiting.
Cat: Not now, Dori!
We're getting out of here!
Dori: Oh.
Glenn: So, tell me, did it hurt?
Yes. My tummy hurts.
Glenn: I am not talking to you!
So, did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?
Because falls like that tend to hurt... Stacy.
Owen: Oh.
It's a good thing I know how to do CPR on myself because you take my breath away... Stacy.
Blake: I'm a very giving person, both in my medical practice and my relationships.
I'm looking for a special lady to share that with... "stomach cramps."
Stacy: What is going on here?
Are you gonna look at my son or...?
[ Men chuckle ]
Glenn: You have a voice -- a voice like a hummingbird.
Blake: I'm a serial monogamist.
Glenn: I like that you care.
You know, so many people nowadays don't care anymore.
Owen: I bleach my teeth.
Stacy: His stomach started to hurt --
Blake: You're a natural storyteller.
Owen: I'll take a look at your son.
I don't --
Owen: I have a speedboat.
Sy: Dr. Richie.
A woman has specifically requested you by name.
Glenn: Sy, please.
This child needs my help.
Sy: No, you don't understand.
She said you were the handsomest, smartest doctor in the hospital!
Glenn: I got to go.
Blake: So, uh, is there a Mr. stomach cramps?
Whoa!
Owen: Don't worry.
You're in Dr. Maestro's hands now.
Good, 'cause my stomach really hurts!
Owen: I am not talking to you!
Stacy: [ Chuckles ]
Glenn: The doctor is in, and I hear someone needs an injection of -- mom?!
What are you doing here?
What does it look like I'm doing here?
I'm having a baby.
Glenn: You're pregnant?
You think I'm this fat all the time?
Oh, thank you very much, Mr. man.
Glenn: Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?!
I didn't want to worry you.
The bottom line is I'm having this baby tonight, and God forbid I should want my doctor son to deliver his sibling.
Glenn: But it's ladies night.
So your mother's not a lady now?
I have an engorged vag*na, but that's not enough to convince my son that I'm a lady.
Glenn: Fine. You're a lady.
Lola: I'm proud to be a woman.
Oh, let's get some fish tacos!
Cat: Well, yelp says the best ones are at this bar in the market district.
Lola: Isn't that a low-income neighborhood?
Cat: Honey, the best ones usually are.
Both: Girl power!
Dori: Me, too! Girl power!
Stacy: Well, I certainly didn't come here expecting this to happen.
Owen: [ Chuckles ]
Stacy: It's all so overwhelming.
[ Clears throat ]
Owen: That's for you.
Stacy: Is it your phone number?
Or let me guess -- is it your e-mail address?
I'm on e-mail now.
My nephew's got me all set up on e-mail.
Owen: No, it's a prescription for your kid.
Stacy: Oh.
Owen: Oh, I'm sorry.
Stacy: Yeah?
Owen: It also might cause diarrhea.
♪ I say tomato ♪
♪ you say it's over ♪
Lola: [ Scoffs ]
"Ladies night." Oh, brother.
Cat: Let's just find a seat.
Make the best of it.
♪ I think we ought to ♪
I wouldn't sit there, ladies.
This table's reserved.
Lola: For who?!
Chief: For me!
Oh, hey, ladies!
Paco!
A round for my coworkers.
Lola: Chief, what are you doing here?
Chief: I think the question is what are you gals not doing here every night like I am here?
I come here every night.
Yep, this is my favorite place to gather with my fellow sistas and celebrate the female experience.
Cat: Are you saying that this place is entirely guy-free?
Chief: You bet your sweet ass it is.
Hey, and now that I'm seeing that thing, you do have an exceptionally sweet ass.
Lola: It is so nice to finally get a female's perspective on such topics as Cat's ass.
Ladies, I think we've come to the right place.
Sal: Attention, staff.
Keep your laws and, more immediately, your hands off my body.
Glenn: I'm missing the fun!
Glen!!
Glenn: Coming!
Ohh! Where were you?
Glenn: I was gone for two seconds, mom.
Geez.
You never call.
You never check my cervix.
Glenn: I just checked your cervix!
You're six centimeters!
Would it k*ll you to check again?
It is so much for a mother to want her son to check her dilation with regular frequency?
Oh, by the way.
Since you gave me the epidural, I can't tell if I soiled the sheets or not.
Glenn: I can.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Cheering ]
Ohh!
Yes!
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Lola: [ Sighs ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Pistore!
Pistore.
[ Cheering ]
Ugh.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Whoo!
Chief: Well, Cat, I got you a plate of rice and beans.
Best I could do.
I can't believe we're out of fish tacos.
Cat: Just my luck.
I feel like I've been waiting forever to get my mouth on a fish taco, and I don't know if it will ever happen.
[ Breathes heavily ]
Blake: Hi.
I know you're hurting right now.
I get[/i] it.
I'd like to take you out for a cup of coffee.
Let me give you my Internet name.
I'm all set up on e-mail.
Blake: Whoa!
Stacy: Excuse me!
Sy: Yes?
Stacy: This is supposed to be a half-priced hospital for ladies.
Instead, it feels like a pickup joint!
Sy: Oh, no, no.
Of course this is a hospital!
Please!
Let's go to my office.
You could put your feet up.
I've got weed.
Stacy: Ladies night is a sham!
Let's get the hell out of here!
Sy: Oh, no.
She's right.
Get away. Come on.
Please don't go!
How about 60% off?
A free mammogram!
Owen: Ladies!
Where you going?
The night's just getting started!
Sy's got weed!
Glenn: Aah! Now push, ma!
I've been pushing out babies since before you were born -- right before.
Glenn: You never respect my professional opinion.
Ow! I think I'm crowning!
Get in there! Push it aside!
I don't want a tear!
Glenn: I'm gonna be sick.
I'm gonna be sick.
I'm gonna be sick.
Can you see if the baby has any hair?
Glenn: Honestly, mom, I can't tell where your massive pubic thicket ends and the baby's head begins.
Okay. Here it comes!
[ Screaming ]
Glenn: [ Screams ]
This is a nightmare come true!
[ Baby crying ]
Hey. It's a girl!
Here comes the placenta!
Glenn: Huh?
Cat: Wait a second.
Chief: What?
Cat: I'm getting a weird feeling that you're a lesbian.
Chief: You're not?
But you're wearing a belt.
Cat: I just thought this was about sisterhood.
Chief: [ Gags ]
Cat: I know.
It's, like, kind of cheesy.
Chief: Oh, my God!
I think the fish tacos were contaminated!
Cat: You all have food poisoning!
I'm a physician. I know this.
Let's get you all to a hospital.
Chief: My girls can't afford a hospital.
These are low-income lesbians.
Most hospitals charge twice as much as they can pay.
Lola: Well, I know just where we can go!
Chief: Of course!
Both: Starbucks!
Lola: Okay!
Cat: But then we'll go to Childrens, obviously.
Chief: [ Mumbles ]
Blake: Ladies!
Sy: Paying customers!
Owen: We are back in business!
Sy: Preparing!
Let's go, gentlemen!
Glenn: [ Chuckles ]
What are you gonna name her?
Not up to me.
Glenn: You want me to name her?
Not up to you, either.
Is this her?
Here she is!
Helen, we can't thank you enough for doing this.
Glenn: You're a surrogate?!
I had to do something for money.
I'm still paying off your medical-school fees.
Glenn: Mom, I can pay off my own loans!
I make six figures a year!
Why couldn't you be a doctor like your brother?
Cat: Well, I'm glad you stopped vomiting.
Chief: Well, you better believe I won't be having fish tacos again... for at least three days.
Cat: I didn't mean to lead you on.
Chief: Of all the low-income lesbian fish-taco joints, huh?
But you know, I have enjoyed getting to know you a little better outside of work.
Cat: Yeah, me too.
Chief: Thanks.
Chief: Cat, you're getting my purse totally wet.
What are you gonna do about that?
Cat: I think when I leaned in to kiss you, I must have knocked this glass of water over.
Chief: It's really my fault.
Cat: I'm so sorry, um... Um... we -- I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there's some paper towels over there.
Chief: In the dispenser.
Yeah. That's okay.
I'll -- it'll -- I'm sure I can just kind of blot it with this blanket.
♪ She says I'm crazy ♪
♪ I said, "oh, really?" ♪
♪ I'm gonna jump on you on the bed ♪
♪ make me a cradle ♪
♪ hold me instead ♪
♪ I'm not gonna say it ♪
♪ okay, I'll say it ♪
♪ flying over stars ♪
♪ over to your room ♪
♪ I'm caught in an ice storm ♪
♪ caught in your eyes ♪
♪ I'm losing my mind ♪
♪ but winning you ♪
♪ send me you on Saturday ♪
♪ the best day ♪
♪ I want to get to you tonight ♪
Sal: Attention, staff.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, ladies!
Get funky.
04x08 - Ladies Night
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.