02x22 - Little Orphan Morkie

[bunniefuu]

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Thanks for covering for me
at the grocery store, Mork.

Oh, that's all right, Jud.

I know what it was like
the first time

I tried to put a live lobster
in a shopping cart.

I guess we shouldn't have
bagged our own groceries.

Ooh, dead bread.

Well, at least now we can have
pumpernickel tortillas.

Looks like
you don't have to worry

about scrambling your eggs,
either.

Aw!

It's not a pretty sight, is it?

Well, at least they d*ed
with their shells on.

May you rest in pieces!

I've never seen anyone get
so emotional over eggs.

Oh, each one of those eggs

represents 76
chicken hours, Jud.

You know, Mork, ever since
I moved into this neighborhood,

you've been
one of my best friends.

Thanks for taking me
to the movies.

How'd you like it?

Well, for such a
conceptually interesting film,

I usually like to see it twice,

You know, I found the production
values reminiscent of Bergman,

and the dramatic values
reminiscent of Fellini

but what bothers me is,
why did the coyote,

after the roadrunner blew him
up, come back 5 seconds later?

How should I know? I don't even
understand what you said.

Uh, what do you want me to do
with the mail?

Oh, put it on the counter.
It's Mindy's.

This one's for you.

Oh, mail for moi?

It's from "The U.S. Dep…"

Of Immig and Nat"?

I don't know anyone named Nat.

What's it say?

Let me see.

Sorry.

Oh, no, it's from the Department

of Immigration
and Naturalization.

"Dear sir…" That's nice.

"With concern to your visit
April 19 last year,

"we require more information
on your alien status.

"Please contact
our office immediately

to prevent termination
of U.S. residency. Love, Jimmy."

I still don't know
what it means.

Well, it means I'm up the creek
without a green card.

Being grown up
is sure confusing.

I'm sorry, little one.

Last year I went to apply
for an alien status,

and they, well, the-they
refused me, and I thought

they threw away the form,
but I guess they didn't.

What's that gotta do
with a creek?

It means I'm gonna be deported.

What's "deported" mean?

It means I'll have to find
another place to live.

I better go down there
and check it out right away.

Careful what you say.

You're right.
It's the government.

If I try and duck any questions,

they'll think I'm chicken,
and my goose is cooked.

I guess I'll have to prove that
I'm gonna be a fine American.

What's on the Statue of Liberty?

I was there once
when I was a kid.

It says…
"Carlos loves Mary Beth Ovitz."

Oh, it's almost 4:00. I'd better
put on some decent duds

and get down
to the federal courthouse.

I'll stay here and tell Mindy
where you've gone.

You know, Carlos
must really love Mary Beth.

I mean,
he built that big statue,

and she's still carrying
a torch for him.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Da-duh, da, dum dum dum!

♪ America, America ♪

♪ From sea to shining
Waves of grain ♪

Yay!

You, uh, you must be
my 5:00 appointment.

I'm certainly not
your 5:00 shadow. Ar ar!

I'm just your typical,
American, patriotic citizen.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I had

to stop by Mom's Diner to have
a piece of apple pie,

a cold beer, eat a hot dog,
watch a baseball game,

catch a pass, join the army,

move to the suburbs,
and sh**t a deer.

Well, what's this in my pocket?

I don't know.
It's the Constitution.

I don't know why
I carry it around,

because I memorized it
years ago.

Mr… Mr. Mork, is it?

Yes, uh, yes,
my fellow American, it is.

It says here you come from Ork.

Where exactly is that?

Follow, follow, follow, follow.

You know, Mr. Mork,

it's pretty hard for an alien
to get into this country,

but it's impossible
for a wacky alien to get in.

Ah, what about Charo?

Have, uh, have you got
any identification papers?

Oh, no,
just "Mr. Bill" of Rights.

( SQUEAKING )
Oh, no! Don't violate me!

Your enthusiasm
is very admirable.

Thank you.

And your costume
is pretty spiffy.

But we don't grant citizenship
on personality alone.

You can ask me anything
about American history.

I know all the answers.
Who was Paul Revere's barber?

Mr. Benedict of Boston.

Uh, I know the names
of all the states.

There's anxiety, depression,
fear, catatonic joy,

catatonic love, catatonic peace.

Jud told me you were here.

Oh, I am.

Ye… Um, excuse me for barging
in like this, your honor.

Are you with him,
or are you normal?

No, no, I'm with him.

Well, then you could help
answer a few questions.

Well, I thought we cleared all
these questions up last year.

All I can tell you
is his file is incomplete.

If he wants
to stay in the country,

I have to have
some more information.

Well. Well, my astrological sign
is Nepharius,

with egg rising.

We'll start with "occupation."
You got a job?

Absolutely.

What is it?

Well, observing
a primitive planet… ( GASPS )

A reasonable planet…
A wonderful planet.

There a lot of money in that?

Well, not much. I-I usually make
my money from doing odd jobs.

I'll bet.

Excuse me, your honor,
um, couldn't you just tell Mork

what he has to do
to stay in the country?

Well, for starters,
he has to bring me

a passport
and a birth certificate.

Now, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll hold his file
for five days.

But if he doesn't produce
the documents by then,

he'll have to be deported.

Oh. I wonder where I left
my birth certificate.

Probably with my passport,
huh, Mind? Yeah.

( LAUGHING ) Ar, ar!

Now, if you two will excuse me,

I have to take two
adult-strength pain relievers.

Don't you want to hear me sing
"God Bless America" in harmony?

Look, if you don't bring me
those papers,

you may be singing
"God Bless Guatemala."

Um, excuse me, your honor.

Uh, just on the off-chance.

Mork can't find his passport
or his birth certificate,

uh, is there any other way
he can stay in the country?

Not unless he marries
an American citizen.

Oh.

Thank you.

( CALM THEME PLAYING )

Mork, have you changed yet?

No, I'm still an illegal alien.

Well, I've been thinking over
the alternatives.

Well, me too.

Number one, I could run away.

Then they'd arrest me,
there'd be a brief trial,

then death row,
and then president Jerry Brown

would strap me into
a solar-powered electric chair,

and it would take me
a year to die.

Well, I've been thinking.

You could run away,
but then you'd be a fugitive.

Yeah, probably be pursued for
the rest of my life

by a one-arm
immigration officer.

Or you could
go to another country,

except you'd have trouble

getting in anywhere
without a passport.

Well, maybe I could stay
at the Charles Place.

I don't think so.
I think it'd be too difficult

for you to adjust
to another country.

Oh! And you can
go with me, Mind!

If we go to China,
it'll be Mork and Ming.

Or if we go to…
Or if we go to Siberia

it'll be Mork and Mindivich.

Or… Or Italy,
it'll be Mork and Mindestrone.

Or if we go to Latvia,
it'll be Laverne and Shirley.

No, no, work, you can't go.

Well, why not?

Well, 'cause I don't want to
take you away from your friends

your life here, your dentist.

I've got another solution!

I'll disguise myself
as an American tourist.

I-I'll get a Nikon camera,
a long, two-piece leisure suit,

that's okay,
we'll rent some kids,

we'll put them in the back,
they'll wear Mickey Mouse ears

and go, "Dad, are we goin'
to Disneyland?"

I'll be driving along,
look in the rear view mirror,

and go, "You shut up,
and if Grandpa passes out again",

you jump-start him.
Now, come on. Be quiet."

Oh.

Well, Mork…
The only thing left to do

is what the judge suggested,
getting married.

Oh, I couldn't do that, Mind.

Well, why not?

Well, because
you once said that marriage

is a very, very special thing

and you only wanted
to do it once.

And I don't want you
to waste it on a favor.

Yeah, but, Mork,
I'm trying to help you.

Nah, it'll be all right.

I'll leave,
and you'll forget about me,

and I'll forget about you…
In about 200 years.

Well, we can't give up now.

I mean, we've got five whole
days to think of something.

No, let's face it, I'm doomed.

At least I have something
to remember you by.

What's that? Can I see?

Oh, don't open it.

What is it?

Well, inside is the very first
tear you ever shed for me.

And you carry this with you?

Oh, Mork, that's so nice.

Oh, I hope one day, I can…
If I ever get real, real lonely,

I'll open it up
and brush that tear away.

It'll almost be like
having you there.

Oh.

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Oh, it's probably
the library, Mind.

I'm overdue on that book,

Raising Weasels
for Fun and Profit.

Oh, hi, Jud.

Is Mork still here?

- Well, he sure is.
- Mork, you have a visitor.

Oh, rug bug,
you probably just came

to say goodbye, didn't you?

That's not why I'm here.

I saw this program on TV
and I thought it might help you.

It's about
adopting kids from Asia.

If you could find
someone to adopt you

like the Vietnamese kids,

you could stay in this country.

( GASPS ) That's a great idea!

Yeah, Mind,
but I'm allergic to silk

and I don't love rice.

It's not so bad if you put
lots of sugar on it.

See ya!

Okay. Thanks a lot, Jud.

Sure thing!

Hey, bye.

Mork, did you hear that?

All we have to do is find
an American who'll adopt you,

and then you can stay
in the country!

Yeah, but who's gonna adopt me?

Me?

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Let's see, adoption agency…

Adoption agency.

Uh, Mind…

Can you stop your fingers
from walking for a second

and let my lips do the talking?

I mean, I don't think
this is a very good idea.

Why, Mork? I'll adopt you,
and then everything…

- Then you'll become my mother.
- Right.

You see, I already have
a mother back on Ork.

I mean, if…
And if you adopt me,

it'll break
her little Pyrex heart.

All right, then we'll have
to find

someone else who'll adopt you.

Hi, kids.

Mr. Bickley! Mr. Bickley.

Thank you for remembering.

Mind if I borrow
a cup of Sweet 'N Low?

Oh, Mr. Bickley, why don't you
come in and sit down?

We have something we'd like
to talk to you about.

Sure. Why shouldn't I share
the wisdom of my years?

Bick, we're just wondering,

what's your opinion
about adoption?

I'm for it.

It gives a guy an excuse

to watch the Saturday morning
cartoons.

See, we feel that a new son

could really bring joy
into one's life.

Oh, I get it now,
you're thinking

about adopting a little boy.

I think it's nice.

You get the kid of your choice

and the child gets parents
who love him and want him.

Everybody wins.

Oh, so…

However, before you do anything,

let Uncle Bick
give you a little advice.

If possible, find out everything
you can about his background:

Who his parents were,
where he came from,

and if he's had his sh*ts.

You'd want to ask
these questions

if you were adopting someone?

I'd want to ask those questions
if I was hiring a gardener.

Well, thanks for the advice.

Oh, sorry.
We're out of Sweet 'N Low.

Oh, well, you might as well
hold onto this

till you get some.

It's yours.
I borrowed it last year.

By the way, if you do get a kid
and you need a babysitter,

just drop him by my place.

You can use that window
over there.

Bye-bye, Mork, bye-bye, Mindy.

Bye, America.

Mork, I'm sorry.

That's all right, Mind.

I'd probably be too big
for his lap anyway.

What we have to find
is someone who will adopt you

that won't ask any questions
about your past.

Well, just hope
it's not Roy Rogers,

'cause if I pass on,

he'll have me stuffed
and put in his museum.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I'm so excited.

Oh, me, too.

Where's the little one?

You're looking at him.

You're here to be adopted?

Oh, t-the bigger ones
are always the last to go.

You mean you're adopting him?

Oh, no, no. Not me.

( DOOR OPENS )

Would you put that thing away?

There are ladies present!

Exidor!

Son!

Is that you?

Dad!

Morkie!

Here's the present I got you.

You left it in the other office.

Careful,
it's still got its claws!

You're the best dad
in the whole world.

Uh, yes.

I think I'll just
take this for now.

Exidor, we really can't
thank you enough for doing this.

I'd do anything for this waif…

Even dress up
in this ridiculous outfit.

Exidor, Mork has passed
every other interview.

Now, this one's the big one.

Now, do you remember
what you're supposed to do?

Certainly.

I'm to be dignified,
respectful…

And just as crazy

as the rest of the people
in this world.

Well, do you think
you can do that?

Oh, sure.
I'm great at impressions.

Uh, watch this!

Hello.

Lovely day.

Yes.

Charming child!

Why, thank you!

Madcap enough?

Monrax, don't chew on
that lady's skirt!

Lucky for you
polyester doesn't fray.

Oh, Mork,
I think we're in trouble.

Mr. Exidor.

That's you! Good luck!

Thanks, Min.

Uh, Exidor…

Now, don't talk too much,

and just try
and play it cool, all right?

Cool as a night in Siberia.

Steinmatz, wash that before
you put it in your mouth!

Lovely day, isn't it?

- Uh, yes.
- Now, who is adopting whom?

I'm Mr. Mork, and this is
my father-to-be, Mr. Exidor.

I see.

I have the papers here
of your interviews today,

but essentially,

the question of adoption
rests on this meeting.

Mr. Exidor, do you have
your references with you?

They're in the briefcase.

Oh, they're in the briefcase.

Lunch!

It says here that you're
a doctor of philosophy,

Mr…. Dr. Exidor…

And that you studied
with Spinoza.

He's been dead for many years.

No wonder I never got
my report card!

Um, he means Mel Spinoza,

it's his friend from Harvard.

It was just a little joke.

This is not a place for levity.

Doctor, it could cost you a son.

Of course.

Dr. Exidor, the key question is,

why do you want to adopt
someone as old as Mork?

Why?

My dear lady,
where is it written

that a person is not entitled
to love after a certain age?

What you see before you

are two people
with complementary needs.

He to have a father,

I to be one.

What calloused heart would deny
the fulfillment of this

just because one of us
isn't wearing diapers?

You really do love each other,
don't you?

Oh!

She bought it!

Dr. Exidor, I had my doubts,

but you're a fine man.

You have a son!

Junior!

Mon cher Papa!

Take these papers
to be notarized

and bring them back here.

Your wish is my command!

We did it!

Exidor, you were brilliant.

If we could bag
what I just said over there,

we could double
the corn crop in Kansas!

Wait a minute!

Be careful with those papers.

Those are the only ones we have.

Don't worry.

Pepe, don't throw
that Frisbee in here!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

And then I couldn't believe it
when he said…

Mork!

( IMITATING EXIDOR )
Mindy, is that you?

Will you cut it out?

( NORMAL VOICE ) I'm sorry.

Just trying to be
a chip off the old pop.

You know, Ex… I mean,
Dad's been awfully nice to me.

I mean, he even put me
in his will.

Before, he was gonna leave
everything to his burro.

Right. And what are you
gonna inherit?

A bale of hay.

Well, he was gonna leave me
the Colorado River,

but I said
I had no place to put it.

You know, Mork, uh,
we solved one problem,

but I'm afraid
we might have another one.

I've been thinking,
and for the first time,

the government actually
has records on you.

I don't think so, Mindy.

See, the Immigration Department
closed its files on me,

and Dad didn't trust
the Adoption Bureau.

He said he'd put them
in his private vault.

Exidor has a vault?

Yeah. It's behind
Herman's House of Fish

in a dumpster.

It looks like you're safe
for a while, anyway.

You know, Mind,
we got real close

to being married, didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

I wonder what
that would have been like.

Mr. and Mrs. Mork.

Well, let's see,
you know, after a while,

I'd… I'd come home,
open the door and go,

( IMITATING OZZIE NELSON )
"Hi, Mindy. Hi, Dave. Hi, Rick."

( IMITATING RICKY NELSON )
"Oh, wow. Hi, Dad. Wow.

"You look really good tonight.

It's really nice
to have you home."

( NORMAL VOICE )
Then I-I'd sit in front of… Of the TV

on Sundays with a little
six-pack of ginger ale.

And I'd sit there
for a long time,

and eventually,
after a couple years,

I get a little ginger belly.

Then we'd have to buy
lots of aspirin

for all the headaches
you'd get at night.

And then eventually…

( IMITATING OLD MAN )
We'd get a lot older,

and we'd sit out
on the front porch

in our little,
motorized rocking chairs,

and the chairs
would rock for us.

Every so often,

I'd flip my little pacemaker
up real fast like that

and turn it down.

And then, finally, one day,
I'd lean over to you.

Take me about
an hour to get real close,

and then I'd lean over
and whisper in your hearing aid,

I'd say, "Mindy…"

"After all these years
you've been so nice to me,

"I'm gonna tell you something
that no one else knows.

I'm really a… Ah!"

Mork!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, your goodyear-ship!

ORSON: I'm here, Mork.

What do you have to report?

Well, I had a close call,
your high-and-wideness.

I was almost banned
from the country.

Well, if you couldn't
stay there,

why didn't you move
to another country?

Oh, easier said than done, sir.
You see, the borders are guarded

by an incredible obstacle
known as red tape.

Besides, I've grown
accustomed to this place, and…

And to Mindy's face.

But are you welcome
to remain there?

Well, sir, all I know
is there's this lady

who's carrying a torch for me
who keeps saying,

( IMITATING MAE WEST )
"Send me your tired, your poor,

and your huddled masses."

A noble sentiment.

Yes, except there's also a man
down at the immigration office

who says, "Not too tired,
not too poor, and not too many."

How did you convince them
to let you stay?

Well, I had to be adopted.

You see, adoption
is an Earth custom that allows

humans who like being parents
to find others who need them.

It's kind of like
an emotional swap meet.

Do the Earthlings
get a reward for adopting?

All I know, sir,

is their lives are richer
for having done it.

You see, that's
how this country was founded,

by adopting people
from other nations.

( SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT )
First, a few Vikings.

( SPANISH ACCENT )
Then, some Spaniards.

( BRITISH ACCENT )
Then, some Englishmen.

( AFRICAN ACCENT )
Then, some Africans.

( ORIENTAL ACCENT )
Some Orientals.

( IRISH ACCENT ) Some Irish.

( EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT )
And some Eastern Europeans.

( NORMAL VOICE )
And before you know it, Orson,

Good Griffith, you've got
the birth of a nation!

Until next week, sir,
nanu, nanu.

( IMITATING SNARE DRUM )

( WHISTLES PATRIOTIC MELODY )

( IMITATING
NATIVE AMERICAN CHANT )

Hey, what about us, hmm?

Wash day.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )