02x03 - New Rules

[bunniefuu]

My Cal U classmates and I were a part of

a large generation of young people

who were defined
by our refusal to be defined.

We rejected gender categories...

...we defied restrictions...

...we fought the establishment...

...and we reserved judgment.

But I was starting to wonder...

...as a generation so unwilling
to be defined or constrained

by other people's rules,
why did we give ourselves so many?

Take my crew, for example.

We had a rule for everything...

outfit check-ins
to avoid dressing alike,

texting "Good morning"
as soon as we woke up,

never, ever, ever letting
our phones die,

and, of course,
group approval on all photos.

Guys, can we get a picture, please?

- Yeah. Okay, hang on.
- Thank you.

- Let me fix my hair.
- Wait, but make sure I look cute.

- You gotta Facetune.
- Make me look good.

Yeah, I got you.

Oh, wait, guys. There is
a kickback at Hawkins.

- Who's in?
- No, pass.

Nothing sadder than a bunch of dudes

who couldn't even score at last call.

- I'm so in.
- I'm out.

- We're out, too.
- Yeah, we have early track practice.

I guess I'll just head back
home to Hawkins, then.

After I take you guys back home,
like the gentleman

- I was raised to be. Right.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Come on.

Wait. Why is everyone being so lame?

I'm down. I'm just gonna text Luca.

Hey, everyone has their
location tracking on, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Thank you.

To be clear, most of
these rules went unspoken...

we weren't crazy.
But we all knew the drill

and, for the most part,
acted accordingly.

Come on.

Whoo!

Damn... Doug is here without Jazz?

Okay, what do I say? Am I good?

Yeah, no, I-I-I'm totally good.

I am goody good. I am Mr. Goodbar.

In fact, I am Meagan Good
riding in a Goodyear Blimp

with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Sr.
in the back bumping Goodie Mob.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

Do I tell Jazz Doug's here?

That's what a good friend
would do if her girl's dude

is doing something he's not
supposed to be doing, right?

Or... Or will it just start
unnecessary drama?

I don't know. Damn it.

I know exactly what to do...

...text people
who know exactly what to do.

Guys, Doug is here at the kickback.
What do I do?

He doing anything Sus?

No, he's chill.
There's like a five-foot radius

from any girl's ass.
But he's here and without Jazz.

Well, he does live there.

- Does Jazz know?
- IDK.

That's why I'm texting you guys.

- You should tell her.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But he isn't doing anything wrong.

I don't want to start dramz.

He's breaking the co-ed kickback rule.

- Isn't that wrong?
- That's their rule, not the rule.

If it's Jazz's rule, that makes
it your rule by proxy.

He just said "'sup" to me.

Doesn't sound like guilty behavior,

but I'm gonna need eyes on this.

Ugh, hold on.

Well, see? He's not talking
to any girls or anything.

But he's also still wearing his chain,

which means he's not going
to sleep anytime soon.

Maybe it's his sleep chain.

Guys, come on. My battery's low.

Hey, dude, you got a charger?

Not now, Zoey. I'm working.

So, like I was saying,
I just really think Ja Rule

and the Fyre Festival
deserve a second sh*t...

Yo, good to see you, bro.

Oh, wait. Doug just got up.

Maybe he's leaving.

Please, God, let him be leaving.

If he leaves, then this definitely

stops being my problem.

Does it, though?

Yes.

Yo, I'll be right back.

- No.
- No, don't do it. Don't do it.

FML. He's actually taking sh*ts.

He's turning up the turn up.

Dude, my phone's about to die,

and I still don't know
whether to tell Jazz.

What do I do?

No.

And Luca. sh**t.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt, but we
received a noise complaint.

Yes, who's in charge here?

That would be me.
I am the R.A. on duty, my brothas.

I want to say sorry about
the noise, Officers. Honestly.

Uh, see, Hawkins
is the black dorm on campus,

so we decided to spend our,
uh, evening fraternizing

with our fellow black students,

celebrating our black
excellence, you know?

We do it for the culture.

- Hey.
- My dudes!

- Doin' it for the culture.
- Got to respect that.

Thanks, guys.
You know, um, blue lives mat...

Whoa, whoa, no.

But we do want
to thank you, guys, honestly,

- for being so cool about this.
- No doubt.

We just wanted to congratulate you guys

- on your dope-ass turn up.
- Mm.

And give you this dope-ass
ticket for the noise violation.

Go on and take it, yep.
You'll need to appear

before the dean in
the morning, my brotha.

- Wait, what?
- Carry on... quietly.

What...

But the culture.

So I screwed up, and I let my phone die,

but everything is gonna be fine.

Luca is an understanding guy.

I'll just explain what happened,

and we'll spend the rest
of the night making love

like one of us is dying.

Okay.

Dude. Seriously?

Or he'll say, "Dude. Seriously?"

Luca, I am so sorry. My phone just d*ed.

You hate when my phone dies.
But it's cool.

No, it was just...
I-I was texting Ana and Nomi

about the whole Doug-and-Jazz
situation, and...

- Oh, so your phone didn't die.
- No, it did, like,

right in the middle of all of the drama.

And I-I saw your text.

It was just, like,
so much was happening.

So you saw my text, read it,
and then ignored it.

No, no. Like, I-I swiped up
and dismissed them

'cause I-I wasn't even
thinking about it like that.

So you dismissed them
and didn't think about it?

- Hot.
- No, that's not what I mean.

You know that's not what I mean.

Luca, why are you being
so extra right now?

I'm here, and you have
my undivided attention.

That probably wasn't important.

That either.

Or that one.

That wasn't important.
Not as important as thi...

I should just check.
I should just check.

Just... Let me just check.

- What the hell?
- You know what?

You are being mad extra
right now. Do you.

I'm gonna watch "The Price is
Right" with headphones.

Babe, just wait like one sec.

Great, so not only is Luca pissed at me,

but apparently in the 20 minutes
my phone went dark,

all hell broke loose with my girls.

Zoeyyy... hello? Did you decide
what you're gonna do?

Yeah, you don't wanna piss Jazz off.

Piss Jazz off about what?

Um, can y'all stop lighting me up?
I'm trying to sleep.

Ana! You replied to
the wrong group text!

- No, no.
- What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What the hell, Ana?

- Is this your first time texting?
- I don't know, Zoey.

Is this your first time
doing some snake-ass sh*t?

Ooh, hey, girl, hey.

Nah, Zoey. I want an explanation.

You know, I don't know, and I-I'm sorry.

I-I didn't know what to do,
and, technically,

it didn't seem like Doug
was doing anything wrong.

So I didn't want to start
unnecessary drama.

You don't think going behind my back,

texting about me
for 42 minutes is drama?

You know, in my defense,

42 minutes sounds like
a gross exaggeration...

It's actually extremely accurate.

Nomi sent me a screenshot.

So, Nomi sent a-a screenshot
of our... our group chat,

which was private,
which should've included Jazz.

So thank you for forwarding that along.

All right, I was just
trying to clarify things

- after Ana's dumb mistake.
- Uh, no, you weren't.

You were just trying to cover your ass

while kissing Jazz's
because you're scared of her.

- Yeah, there. I said it.
- Pbht!

- Your secret's out.
- Why the hell are you scared of me?

I don't think we should be
making this about me,

because Zoey is the one
who started this whole thing.

Zoey pulled us all into it.

So, everyone, let's focus
our attention on Zoey.

- Zoey Johnson.
- No, no, no.

'Cause this is not just about her.

You guys are supposed to be my girls,

and you all are supposed
to have my back.

How many other group-text thingies

do you have going on about me?

Jazlyn, don't play the victim here.

Don't act like you didn't start
a text about Zoey the other day.

- Wait, what?
- Okay, so now we're just blasting people

- for blast's sake?
- Hold on. What was being said about Zoey?

That you're too damn smiley.

You're always walking around,
teeth all out.

Ain't nothing in the world
that [bleep] funny.

That's pretty funny.

There you go again, kissing Jazz's ass,

- you little kiss-ass.
- All right, bitch, learn how to text.

Bitch, don't be sending
screenshots like that.

- It was one screenshot.
- Why are we arguing with each other?

Exactly. You started all of this.

This is ridiculous.

If you're gonna be mad at anyone,

be mad at Doug.

Why would I be mad at Doug?
He didn't do anything wrong.

He lives there.

But he was... But I did?

Yes.

Okay, I'm done. These people are insane.

I'm friends with insane people.

I couldn't figure out how one kickback

had exploded into such a disaster.

Everyone was pissed at each other

and especially at me.

And I had no idea how to fix it.

So I slapped some white strips
on my big, happy teeth

and I tried to just go to sleep
and forget about it.

Obviously, that plan failed.

They say "Never go to sleep angry,"

but what happens if you
just never go to sleep?

Not one "Good morning" text.

Not even from Luca.
Or an accidental nude from Ana.

This is worse than I thought.

All right, you know what?

This just means that I, Zoey Johnson,

have to be the bigger person.

Good morning?

I'll just give them a... a minute.

Yeah.

What's happening?

I'm actually starting
to freak out right now.

Yes, but, Dean Telphy, is
a ticket completely necessary?

We're in college.

Students are bound
to turn up from time to time.

I'm aware of that,

and I've been doing
my research on you kids.

Been reading a lot of
young-adult material...

Y.A. is a genre of literature,
not a rapper.

Common mistake.

And according to the entire
"Sweet Valley Twins" series

with the obvious exception of volume 14,

we can all agree that your body's

going through some changes.

That is 100% false, so...

As a resident adviser and
a representative of Cal U,

I have to hold you to a higher standard.

Hold up. "A representative of Cal U"?

I signed up to be an R.A. to get
a break on my housing, man.

Yeah, sure, I figured I'd
have to replace a few keys,

maybe talk a Nigerian kid down
from his first high,

but I did not sign... What are you...

I just didn't sign up to be
a Cal U representative, okay?

In addition to housing,
you also get a food plan,

priority class registration,
and a small stipend.

Yes, a very small one compared
to the amount of work that I do.

I am the R.A., the therapist,
the janitor, the landlord.

You know, what's next, sharecropping?

This isn't about
your farming aspirations.

I constantly get complaints
from employees

telling me that they're
overworked and underpaid,

but at the end of the day,

everyone has to play their position.

So play your position or you're out!

Did you... You felt that?

That was my first time
being authoritative like that,

'cause I... I'm usually happy and not...

You know, I stay lit all the time.

So I don't, you know,
just be mad like that,

but did you feel that?

I just... Can I go home?

So, not only had no one responded

to my "Good morning" texts...

What?!

...but they'd all also apparently

logged off of location tracking.

Oh, my God.

I am legit stressing out now.

We're at DEFCON 1.

Oh, Sky, thank God, a sane person.

Can you believe all this drama?

Everyone's acting,
like, completely crazy.

Um, what are you doing?

- Talking to you.
- Zoey, I find it strange

that I even have to explain this to you.

If Jazz is pissed at you,
I'm pissed at you.

- Mm.
- There's a hierarchy.

Chicks before dicks,

depending on the d*ck,
and family over everything.

But Jazz has no good reason
to be pissed at me.

- I made a mistake.
- Doesn't matter.

I actually don't even know
what all this craziness

- is about, so...
- What?

So you're mad at me
a-and don't even know why?

I don't need to know why.

Squeeze first, ask questions last.

You know what it is, Zoey.

I definitely do not "know what it is."

Well, I just...

Okay, just gonna...

Great.

You know what? I'm making
a new rule for myself:

I don't have to deal with this crap.

So they want to ice me out
for not following their rules.

Well, screw that.

Zoey Johnson doesn't get iced out.

I do the icing, and I am sick of living

by their random, arbitrary,

applying-to-some-but-not-all,
stressful A.F. rules.

I was done with the location tracking,

the group texts, the social media,

FaceTuning Ana's butt, all of it.

I didn't need anybody.

Hey, Luca. Hi. Yeah.
Thanks for... Hello?

Hello? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not again. Not again.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Does anybody have a charger, by chance?

Anybody? Sir, do you have a charger?

Mnh-mnh.

- Ma'am, I will pay you for a charger.
- No, no.

Please.

No.

Does anyone have a charger?

No. What's happening?

Oh, God... I can't breathe...

I don't wanna die in
a shorts/boots combo.

So, the good news is

your girl only had a panic att*ck.

The bad news is...
there's a 9 in 10 chance

everyone at Cal U has HPV.

Uh, Zoey, your identical
twin brother is here.

Oh, hey.

What you doing here?

Well, you went ghost again,

so I kind of used
your location to track you.

- So you're stalking me.
- Chill.

I mean, your phone hung up

and you weren't answering my texts,

- so I knew something was wrong.
- Hmm.

'Cause, obviously, your phone
wouldn't just die again.

- That would be crazy.
- Actually, my phone did die again.

I'm sorry. I've just been really sucking

at everything as of late...
an irresponsible phone owner,

a bad girlfriend,

a really, really shitty friend...

Oh, God, I feel it happening again.

- What's happening again?
- Panic att*ck.

The doctor said they're really common.

Everyone's doing it. New wave.

Yeah, you wanna tell me what happened?

Well, just been really overwhelmed,

and everybody's mad at me.

I just don't get it.

You know, we want to act like
we're all free and liberated,

but we have all of these rules
about everything

and I can't keep up, you know?

It's putting me in the...
the literal health center.

These rules are driving me crazy,

and I just don't know why
we do it to ourselves.

I mean, sometimes people use rules

to feel like they're in control.

But we are in control.

I mean, are we?

'Cause last night when you
were at your boy's kickback

and I couldn't get ahold of you...

I low-key didn't feel in control, so...

Wait, is that why you were mad
about the whole phone thing?

Because of, uh, Aaron?

I mean... whatever,
it's probably just stupid.

I'm just... I'm just happy
you feel better, you know?

Thank you. I feel better.

- Hope so.
- Hmm?

Now, um... I'll be, uh...

I have no reflexes in that knee.

No, no, your knee's broken.

So I thought about what Luca said.

Giving ourselves all these rules

wasn't about trying to
control someone else.

It was about managing our
own fears and insecurities,

and it made a lot of sense.

My failure to tell Jazz about Doug

had tapped into her insecurity,

a friend not having her back.

So I decided to reach out and apologize

the way a real friend should.

And in the interest
of not breaking another rule,

this text was gonna include everyone.

Hey, guys, this is a blanket apology

for the mess I seem to
have gotten us all into.

I really am sorry.

And going forward, I can't promise

I'll perfectly follow
each and every rule,

but I can promise to try
and be a better friend.

And maybe eventually we can
stop leaning on all these rules

and start putting our trust
in each other.

Love you, Zo.

I'm sorry, too. XO.

I'm trying to take a nap.

Ooh, sorry.

Jazz, you alive?

Thank you very much. Have a nice time.

Right this way, man.

- Oh, uh, definitely free for you, ladies.
- Thank you.

You can just go right in.

Definitely gonna need $10 each.
Thank you.

You guys have a good time.
Drinks are extra.

Over there.

Savage, bro. You know
comping girls is all I got.

Dude, I'm trying to make this
money. What are you doing?

Here we go. Watch this.

What's going on, my brotha?
Good to see you.

Oh, you want me... All right.

Good doin' business with you, my bro.

Hey, we are all just trying
to play our positions.

Am I right?

Hey. For the culture.

Yeah, for the culture.
That's what it is.