06x11 - Fire and Vice

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what's the update
on the school board race?

It's still too close to call.

But it doesn't have to be!

I've got a video of
her opponent rescuing

a puppy from the shelter.

I run it backwards, it looks
like she's abandoning a puppy.

You make that go viral
before the polls close,

come on!

Jackie, I am running to help the kids.

What kind of message does that send if

I don't do it with integrity?

But, wouldn't hurt to start editing it.

Yeah, this is the first time any of us

have run for something.

Usually, we're running from things.

Race is still neck-and-neck.

Did you land on a story
for your article?

Just finished.

It's about a father and son
who came into my store to buy

the kid his first toolbox.

I like your approach.

Dull, but true.

Hey, look, I know it's
for "Hardware Magazine,"

but it's not really
about the toolbox, okay?

Dad says they're gonna build
a bunker together

for when the world
becomes a nuclear hellscape.

And then the kid says,
yeah, but Dad, what...

Oh, come on!

Hey, hey!

That's not... I mean, this is the...

[both laughing]

No, go on. No, no, tell us.

- Yeah.
- [both laugh]

- The dad says...
- Yeah.

So the dad says, we're gonna
build this bunker together...

Oh, oh.

So the kid says,

what if the world isn't incinerated?

And the dad says,
I don't know, I guess we'll

just turn it into a game room.

Okay, there it is.

I look forward to the Hallmark movie.

[laughs]

- Hey!
- Hey.

Hey, hi, guys, thanks for coming over.

We brought election night sliders.

I'm too nervous to watch the election,

but I did hear the rustling
of a burger bag.

Don't tell me, crinkle it one more time.

White Castle.

If only we could turn
that superpower into money.

I really hope you win so you
can teach your music program,

start turning out
some serious rock stars.

Why?

So they enjoy a fleeting
moment of success

before they're dragged
down into a black hole

of dr*gs and alcohol?

That doesn't sound like
my little ray of sunshine.

That sounds like
my little winter solstice.

I'm sorry.

Interning at the rehab center has really

gotten me in a dark place.

Hearing all the problems of the patients

during their therapy sessions,
I just can't shake them.

Well, you gotta get
out of that headspace.

Try this.

Pose what you hear as a
positive instead of a negative.

Instead of problems, you call
them opportunities for change.

Change-your-tune-ities.

[laughing] Change-your-tune-ities.

That's kind of fun.

Oh, right!

This one woman, Annie,
sh**ting heroin made the veins

in her arms collapse.

So now she gets to sh**t
between her toes.

Change-your-tune-ity.

Change-your-tune-ity.

Wow, that was so cynical and dark.

Love this new you.

I don't, but it's part of the job,

and I wanna help these people.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Oh!

It's the right thing to do!

I'm not trying to be a hero.

I'm sorry, honey, we weren't
even listening to you.

Louise just won the school board.

[cheering]

Oh, thank you, guys
for all your support.

Finally something to celebrate.

Hey, did anyone get a call
from the fire department?

- Nice timing.
- No, I'm serious.

I think the hardware store is on fire.

- What?
- There was a lot of smoke.

The streets were all blocked off,
so I couldn't be sure.

Oh, my God, this is horrible.

Oh, congratulations,
Louise, you go, girl.

My God.

It's all gone.

There's gotta be something
we can salvage.

Oh, hey, look right here.

These fireplace matches, totally fine.

[bluesy rock music]



♪ ♪

"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.

Damn.

Wow.

Hey, what took you guys so long?

The cops wouldn't let me through.

I told them I work here.
They told me to prove it.

Unfortunately, the only proof
we had was a video Dan

had sent me of him working late,

dancing to "Do You Think I'm Sexy"

in just his hardware apron.

Cops asked Louise if she
wanted to press charges.

Holy crap!

There's nothing left.

How do you come back from this?

Ben, what could you have done so wrong

in your life to deserve
something as terrible as this?

I don't know if you saw it,
but I texted you

that your energy might not be
completely appropriate here.

I did. I texted you back.

See you in a few.

- What do you think caused this fire?
- Oh, it's obvious.

Louise and I finally had
paying off the house in sight,

so God b*rned down
my major source of income.

Do you think your
insurance will cover it?

I don't know.
I, uh, kept the policy here.

[grunts]

So, I've been meaning to put
this in the fireproof safe.

I'll have to call my mom and find out.

Oh, crap, that's right.

I forgot.

Happy Mother's Day.

Oh, thank you, honey.

This is kind of how my body
felt after you were born.

Hey, I brought you something.

I had to drop off a load
of boxes in New Orleans,

brought you back some
pralines, don't you know.

About ready to go?

Sorry, I can't make dinner.

I gave my email and phone
number to some of the patients,

and I'm in the middle of answering them.

Are interns are supposed to be

giving out personal
information to patients?

No, but I felt depressed,
because I was listening

to all these women who are
going through hell,

and I wasn't allowed to do
anything about it, so now I am.

Look, I don't know much about this,

but it seems like communicating
directly with your patients

can get you in trouble.

I don't care.

Beverly Rose is with her dad right now,

and this is what I need to do.

You also need to eat.

I'm dealing with somebody
who's about to start

turning tricks to support
her dope habit,

and you are asking me if I
wanna share a basket of wings?

It doesn't have to be wings.

Are you joking?

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

I wanna take you out.

You know where nobody's ever sad?

Chili's.

I don't need to lighten my mood.

If sadness makes you uncomfortable,

you need to grow up.

Hey!

I basically drive a bus in the sky.

That is very grown up.

I can't always be the fun girl for you.

You think I'm that shallow?

All I want is for you to be fun?

I mean, believe me, this is not fun.

But I'm still here.

Well, maybe you're not
strong enough to leave.

Okay, I was wrong.

Somebody is gonna be sad at Chili's.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey, Darlene.

How's Ben gonna make up
for this lost income?

Ah, well, he tried to sell
his beard to Locks of Love,

but, eh, they're looking
for younger beards.

Great news.

Called my mom to tell her
the store b*rned down.

Like any loving and concerned mother,

she took two days to call me back.

But the upshot is, Mom and Dad had

great insurance on the store.

Thank God!

Called the company adjuster,
he came out, and when we met,

he said even though
I had an arsonist vibe,

that he couldn't find
any evidence that I am one.

Arsonist vibe, that's what it is!

But it turns out, it was frayed wires.

But, hey, we're covered, the structure,

inventory, all of it.

We could rebuild the whole store.

I wanna get back to work
as soon as possible.

I could bring in a couple
of contractor buddies,

and they could start work immediately.

Uh, hold on.

Let's not rush this.

You're right,
you're right, you're right.

If we rush things, we'll end up
with a slipshod job.

Let's kick back, have a couple beers,

then rush things,
end up with a slipshod job

that we don't care about,
because we're drunk!

I say, let's just take a moment

to be incredibly thankful, because this

could have been so much worse.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Yes.

Can I get an amen?

I mean, even I said it,
and I don't believe

in any of that nonsense.

Well, you know, when I first found out

that we were gonna be
getting all that money,

my first thought wasn't
to rebuild the store.

What was your first thought?

If it was a snowmobile, yes,
if we have money left over.

No, it was that I never really wanted

that hardware store in the first place.

And I feel a little guilty saying this,

but I'm kind of glad that it's gone.

No, I get that.

I think about the cafeteria
burning down every day.

What if we don't rebuild?

What if we use that insurance
money to do something else?

I called "Hardware Magazine,"
and the owner's retiring,

and he's willing to sell.

Okay, I have to ask you this.

Did you burn down the store?

No, I didn't burn it down.

God did it for me so I
can have a magazine again.

Amen!

A magazine is such a big risk.

I mean, we've done this before.

And since we're not having
this conversation on our yacht

off Saint-Tropez, I think it might

not be a viable path forward.

Yeah, but the mug sh*t magazine,

that was during a recession.

And "Hardware Magazine,"

they've already got a decent following.

I mean, you know they've been getting

a whole lot of positive
emails about my column.

I don't know, Ben.
It's just not good timing.

What about my dad?

What about our bills?

- Sure, the future, great.
- No, no, no!

- There'll be a time...
- No, no!

God is not gonna burn
down my store twice for me.

Look, I know you're an atheist,
but the time is now.

Look, the only reason I could afford

to take that cafeteria job
is because the store

was stable income.

Okay.

I understand that we make
these decisions together,

but you know, I feel like this
is my last sh*t to do something

meaningful with my life.

Are you sure that you
don't want a snowmobile?

[bluesy harmonica music]

Becky's truck just pulled up.

Is she with Tyler?

No.

But there's some woman in the truck.

Why?

Oh, he called me
and said they had a fight.

He's really upset about
the way she's been acting.

Hey.

One of the women from the
rehab just got kicked out.

Could she stay with one
of you guys for a couple nights

while I track down her family?

Why aren't you taking her to a shelter?

Oh, they won't take her,
because she got into a fight

at the rehab, and then
she kind of threatened

to drive a car into the place.

Uh, I'd really like to help,
but Dan doesn't like it when

there's a car blocking his TV.

Yeah, Jessica's not violent,
she's just unstable.

Oh, unstable.

Oh, I'll blow up the air mattress.

How did you go from
observing at a clinic

to driving a patient
around in your truck?

She's in a really screwed-up situation.

Come on, Jackie,
just help me this one time.

No way.

I'm not bringing some sketchy
stranger into my house.

Neville can barely handle
you guys coming over.

Okay, now that you got a
husband who's got a few bucks,

you don't care about
anybody but yourself.

There's a difference between caring

and doing something stupid.

Becky, you have to set boundaries.

Tyler's really worried about you.

You two are talking about me?

He called me, and he said you've become

an entirely different person.

Both of you need
to mind your own business.

These are my patients, okay? Back off.

Your patients?

You're an intern who got caught
up with substance abusers.

That's not safe for somebody
who's still new to recovery.

Wow!

Use my addiction against me.

You know what? Never mind.

We're gonna drive around until we find

an actual human being.

What the...

Damn it!

She took off with my truck!

I'm gonna tell Jessica
it's not her fault.

No, you're not.

Why did you do that?

Her number is in my phone,
and now I can't find her.

Yeah, that's why I did it.

I will call the cops, tell them
that she stole your truck.

That woman needs professional help.

You need to chill.

You're not thinking straight.

I have never been more clear.

Thanks for nothing.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Thanks, but you don't have to
give me all this food, Mom.

Oh, yeah, I do.

I know what they feed you at school,

because I feed it to you.

I heard you talking to Ben
about the magazine.

Yes.

I felt bad about that,
but we just can't afford it.

He hates working
at the hardware store so much.

You can see it in his eyes.

And he only worked there for us.

Yes, you're right.

And I would love to be able
to repay the favor,

but it's just too risky.

I mean, I actually think
the magazine's a great idea,

but it could still fail, because that's

how the Conners roll.

But Ben's not a Conner,
so even if he got the curse

through marital contact,
it's only half as strong.

Well, his business
just b*rned to a crisp,

so it seems pretty strong to me.

And look, if he does fail,

then I'd have to quit my job
to pay the bills,

and we wouldn't be able
to afford your tuition.

I know, but Ben
sacrificed so much for me.

I'm willing to make a sacrifice for him.

I've never said anything
half as nice as that about Ben.

I'm just saying, why are his dreams

less important than ours?

Can I get back to you on that?

Hey, Ben, my mom wants to talk to you.

I'm just looking at stuff to make

the hardware store more fun.

You know, if I rebuild it,
this is a claw machine where

you can win a screwdriver.

So if I win it, I can
drive it into my heart.

You are so dramatic.

All right, you can have the magazine.

Sorry, I didn't hear that. What?

I'm not saying it again.

It hurt too much the first time.

Oh, my God, thank you!

Oh, thank you.

You won't regret this, any more than any

of the other horrible decisions
you've made in your life.

- Hello, we're here!
- Ahh.

So, are you happy?

Oh, completely.

Okay, enjoy that for a minute,

because you won't be
after you tell my dad

that he's got no place to work.

Hey!

Thanks for the invite.

Hope you don't mind,
we brought something.

No, that's great.

She's got lasagna in there in case

we don't like your vegan food,
because, you know, we don't.

Oh, boy.

So, I'm not gonna use the
insurance money to rebuild

the hardware store, because
there's something else

that I wanna do with it.

Now, Dan, don't freak out,
but I am going to use it

to buy "Hardware Magazine."

Are you kidding me?

Just hit me and get it over with.

And I'm talking to you, Louise,
because I'm scared of Dan.

Hold my lasagna.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, let
me just say one thing first.

What?

I am giving Dan 10%
of the insurance money,

since he owned 10% of the business.

And I give this to you from
the deepest part of my heart.

Just how deep is that heart?

Oh, high five figures.

Oh, thank you!

Oh!

I can pay off the house right now.

Oh, man, thank you.

Thank you.

I didn't think you'd have the
balls to burn the place down.

I'm proud of you, son!

[bluesy harmonica music]

[knock at door]

Becky!

It's Jackie.

I know you don't wanna talk
to me, but we need to talk.

I got you a new phone.

I shouldn't have broken yours.

It's not my choice
whether you wanna talk

to the people in rehab or not.

Yeah, keep the phone.

I shouldn't be talking to anybody.

Scared of where my head's at.

Well, then let's talk about that then.

If I hadn't let Jessica into my truck,

she wouldn't be in jail.

I made it worse.

I worked so hard to get here,

but I can't do this job.

I really thought that this is
what I was meant to do, Jackie.

No, Becky, it is.

Becky, come on.

Nobody can do it all alone.

Even trained professionals,

they have their own
therapists for support.

I thought therapists were the arch enemy

of Lanford's leading life coach.

I'm gonna tell you something

that you cannot repeat to a
single person in this family.

You've probably never noticed this,

but I have been through
my share of tough times.

Well, you've hidden it very well.

So, I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off.

I go to a therapist.

Jackie, I cannot believe
you go to a therapist.

Not because you're still so crazy.

It's just that, have you
ever been diagnosed?

Because we all have our theories.

Well, see, the only reason
I'm telling you this,

is because there is a value
to processing your problems

with professionals.

Is it helping?

Oh, for sure!

Oh, except when Joan gets
into the double speak,

you know, borderline this, bipolar that.

Then I just check out.

Yeah, I can't afford a Joan.

Oh, well, see, now that's
where you're gonna help me.

I promised Neville
I would go every week.

So if I skip one, I go play the slots,

and then you take that one.

How is that ethical?

Oh, now... oh, so, now
you're all about the rules?

Okay, I will go see Joan.

Thank you.

I still don't know if I'm
cut out for this, though.

Well, first, just take
a break from the clinic.

But believe me, you are.

Even a life coach can
recognize a fellow healer

when she sees one.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

[knock at door]

It's okay to come in?

Yeah.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

It's okay.

I've been thinking.

Pilots talk to other pilots
when they've had

really bad experiences in the air.

And I thought that maybe, maybe you

could talk to me about
all the terrible stuff

you're dealing with.

You know what?

That's a great idea.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I love you. Okay?

I can handle this.

Okay.

So, there's this woman, Marcia.

And she adopted three beautiful kids,

but she got hooked on opioids.

[sobbing]

[bluesy harmonica music]

Ben's mother and father
worked here for 50 years.

You can almost see Ben as a little boy,

running around with
his tiny little beard.

Family business, it's rough.
A lot of memories.

Don't get emotional.

I'm not. It's not even my family.

It's just the...

[voice cracking]
Burnt down memories of somebody

else's dream that they worked so hard

for their whole entire life.

I feel nothing!

[child giggles]