01x08 - Hellhounds and Sturgeons

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for bringing me here.

That's the thing.

If you caught one squirrel,
you caught every squirrel.

You know what I mean?
Just like that.

[Camila laughing]

[Emily] Are you kidding me?
PDA in the parking lot.

Gross.

Why isn't this working?

Ow!

Hey guys. Look who wanted
to check out the office.

Hi. I just wanted
to say hi.

So nice to meet you.
Wow, you're so hot.

[laughs]
Oh, thank you.

- [Patel] Hi.
- Camila.

So, uh, we came in

'cause Camila and I have
a big announcement. We...

Hey.

What happened to your hand?

What? Oh, nothing.
No, I just have a paper cut.

What's the...
what's the announcement?

With that much blood?
There's a lot of blood.

That doesn't seem right.

Yeah, that's just how I bleed.
What is the big announcement?

So Shred and I are having
a paella dinner tonight

and we would love
for all of you to come.

Oh! [laughs] That was
a big ramp-up for paella.

A rice-based dish
with gifts from the sea.

I'm in.

Yeah, me too.

Yay.

Emily?

Well, look at this.

Shred has brought
a friendly face in

for his 10-week
performance review.

Lovely to meet you.
I've heard great things.

Patel, you wanna do
that thing we rehearsed?

Yeah, I changed my mind.

May I?

Sure.

Dead man!
Dead man walking!

We got a dead man
walking here!

He's gonna be fine.

Take it easy on him.

He didn't get much sleep
last night.

[laughs]

Oh! I bet he didn't
'cause of you guys.

Should we start the
performance review?

Emily, what about tonight?

Come on, I won't take no
for an answer.

No.

Kidding, um...
that was a joke.

I, um... yeah.
I would love to come.

Okay.

You have blood
on your face.

It's just...

It's just a little bit there,
to the left.

I'm just gonna go, uh,
wash my face right now.

So... excuse me.

[opening title theme song]

♪

♪

Hmm. Incident 40.

On the 27th the same catch pole
was left by the trainee

in the Walgreens parking lot.

Okay. Uh... could you
just call me Shred?

Said trainee is under the
impression that catch poles

are cheap disposable tools,

when, in fact, they cost $285
a piece before engraving.

Okay, I think we have
enough specifics.

Uh... should we
just wrap this up?

I'm sorry. Am I actually gonna
get fired?

It is the recommendation
of this senior officer

that we extend said trainee's


by another 10 weeks.

Is this normal?

No.

Congratulations, Shred.
This is good news.

And you owe us four catch poles.

Okay.

[Dispatch] Truck 8.
Report of a dead sturgeon

that needs to be removed
from Memorial Bridge.

Nuh-uh.

No. I don't wanna pick up
a rotting fish.

I got this.

Truck 8 responding.
We're nowhere near the vicinity.

[Dispatch] There's a GPS
transponder on your truck.

Yeah.

Standby.

Seriously?

Uh, Dispatch...

Memorial Bridge is
in the Department of

Fish and Game jurisdiction

so we have to cede
to their authority.

Yeah.

[Dispatch] Not the southern
half where the carcass is.

Truck 8 responding.

[Dispatch] Thank you.

Listen, I didn't wanna say
anything in front of Emily

because I think these things
should be kept in the truck.

But regarding the whole
performance review thing,

I also have some thoughts.

And you're sure you wanna
say those thoughts out loud?

It's about your
mentorship style.

You tend to focus
on the negative.

Oh, well that's because
you always give me

such an unbelievable
multi-course meal of screw-ups.

Like when you left
the raccoon crate open

or forgot about the popsicle
in the glove compartment.

You did that one twice.

But, see why do
you have this list

of all my mistakes
in your head?

Why not a list of all
the things I do awesome?

You know what?
You're right.

That's on me.

I'm gonna need more time.

[Patel] Oh!

[Victoria] Oh God!

Are you telling me
there's not one bear

that could've taken
this off our hands?

Come on bears!

Good thing my olfactory
senses have been deadened

from years of changing diapers.

Oh, man.

Nope. I smell the whole
thing. Ugh!

This thing's huge.

How are we supposed to put it
in the back of our truck?!

Maybe we don't have to.

It would be really nice to
stick it to Fish and Game.

Maybe we could drag this thing

a dozen feet north
into their jurisdiction.

I like it.

We stick it to those
cocky bastards.

Yeah, with their helicopters

and their incredible
health insurance.

With their stupid Instagram.

It's like, I get it,
you track elk.

Right? Hey, so are you actually
gonna help me lift this?

Or do you still have
"back issues"?

I do have back issues.

Do you need to see
a scan of my C-4?

I don't need to see
a scan of your C-4,

I've seen you carry
two cases of beer.

Again with the barbecue?

I told you, that was
pure adrenaline.

I don't wanna do this now.

Let's... let's pick up
the fish.

[flies buzzing]

Ugh!

[groans]
Oh... you reek.

You've been here long enough
for rigor-mortis to set in.

[retching]

Here, chuck it here.

Hoo!

[sirens chirp]

Oh, no.
Fish and Game.

How did they get ATVs?

- [Patel] What the...?
- [drone buzzing]

Cancel the drone.

We get it, you got
a lotta toys.

The boys get a
little squirrelly

after a week in
the high country.

Just having a little fun.

So there's the fish.

We were tracking poachers
about nine clicks due south,

by the ridge-line.

Cool.

So there's the fish.

Prescription.
Our insurance covers them now.

[weak laugh]

Yeah. Whatever.

Well look,
it looks like it's, uh,

unfortunately on your side
of the bridge.

Yeah, it's on our side.
We got it.

Okay.

Thanks for babysitting it
until we got here.

Good to see you again, Leslie.

That was so satisfying.

They get free glasses?

Apparently.

Listen. I've had
a lot of coaches

so I know what works
for me and I think
I can help you out.

So you could mentor
my mentoring?

Yeah. I used to have this one
coach from Croatia, Madric,

before he critiqued me
he would always leave

with something I did... well.

[Dispatch] Truck 12. Report of
a very aggressive att*ck dog.

2929 West 53rd Street.
Seattle PD can't handle it.

Truck 12 responding.

Hey man, you really nailed
your "Truck 12 responding".

The timbre of your voice was
assertive but not insistent.

Real kudos to you.

Okay.

Sarcasm is another thing

I wanted to bring up
to your attention

but I have been working on
my radio voice... so thank you.

[Officer] Here they come
in their big puffy suits.

What do we got, boys?

It's a lawyer from Panama, got
arrested for money laundering.

He's got an att*ck dog
you're too scared to deal with?

- It's crazy looking, man.
- Some sort of mastiff.

Looks like it should be
guarding the gates of hell.

We got it from here,
you guys take a break.

Oh, that's right,
you already are.

- [Frank] You ready?
- [Shred] Let's do it.

[Frank] Alright.

[Officer] Fifty bucks they don't
fit through the front door.

[both chuckling]

- You getting this?
- Oh yeah.

[Shred] They're mocking us, Frank.

[Frank] They're mocking you,
Shred. I look incredible.

Ow!

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.
Just updating and collating

our emergency preparedness
manual. So...

Did you cut your hand
again there?

No. Well... uh...
well, yeah.

Just a few paper cuts.

Maybe you're not handling
paper properly.

Uh huh.

[sniffing]

What are you doing? Um...

Yeah, you guys
smell like fish.

Yeah.

Oh, we moved a whopper off
the bridge today. It was...

Right, right.
The sturgeon.

What did you... what did you
guys end up doing with that?

We bagged it.

And we... we took it to the City
Disposal Area per protocol.

Oh, great. Did you guys see
anybody up there?

Oh yeah, yeah.
There were hikers.

One of them had
a man bun.

She knows.

Oh.

Yeah. Fish and Game
called me.

I can't believe you guys moved a
carcass to another jurisdiction.

Okay, it was like
four meters. Nothing.

Not a big deal.

Victoria, I know that's
really 12 feet.

And you do not dump work
on other agencies.

Okay, they're really
condescending though.

They called us dead
fish babysitters.

Oh, yeah, that's unfortunate.

But what, you're just gonna
stoop to their level?

Why take the high road?

The low road
has less traffic.

Oh, I mean that's...
that's gonna go viral.

That's good.

[siren whoops]

- What is...?
- Who is it?

[flies buzzing]

No! They did what we did
to them back to us.

Oh, it is on
like Donkey Kong.

What? No. No.

You two are taking
this fish directly

to the City Disposal Area
per protocol.

Is that clear?

Crystal clear.

Fine, boss.

Nope.

I think it's endearing how
she actually believes us.

- Right? She's the best.
- Yeah.

[sniffing]

[yell] Whoo!

Whoo doggy!

- Yeah.
- Whoo!

[Frank] Come on out, pooch!

We got a bucket of bloody meat
in the truck for you.

[Shred] Just here
for a spot of tea.

Clear... clear to the left.

That's a really nice fireplace.

- [Frank] Is it clear?
- [Shred] It's clear.

[Frank] I'll check in here.

[Shred] Whoa! I think
this is a safe room.

[dog barking]

[Shred] It's him!

[Frank] Oh, doggy.

[snarling and barking]

[Frank] Get in the room!
Get in the room!

- Get in the room!
- Close it! Close it!

[door slams shut]
[dog barking]

[Frank] The hallway is
officially not clear!

[Shred] That dog is pissed.

[vicious barking]

[Officer] It's been 10 minutes.

I hope they're doing okay
in there

in their big puffy suits.

[vicious barking]

I've never been in a panic
dressing room.

Okay. I get a smidge claustrophobic,

I should probably
come clean about that.

Important contacts.

Lawyer. Accountant.
Soul Cycle instructor.

- Hmm. Oh, hold on.
- What?

Dante information.

A-word, victory.
R-word, tranquillo.

Dante's the dog.

Dante! Is that right?
Are you Dante?

[vicious barking]

What is this room made out of?
There's very little air.

And why aren't
the ceilings higher?

A is for att*ck,
R is for release.

If you say victory,
he att*cks.

If you say tranquillo,
Dante should stand down.

I feel like it's tranquillo.

No, it's tranquillo.

I took Spanish in
community college.

Okay. I have an actual
Spanish girlfriend

that yells at me in Spanish
all the time.

Dude. It's tranquillo.
I'm going for it.

Dude, I'm not


but I don't think you're
rolling your R's enough.

[dog growling]

[dog growling]

Tranquillo.

Nailed it.

Oh!!! It's got me!

Frank! Frank!

- It's going to k*ll me!
- Frank!

It's got me! Help!!!

Help! Help! Help me.
It's gonna eat me!

[Frank] It's a hellhound!
It is not of this realm!

[Victoria] This thing
is getting so heavy.

[Patel] Hurry! Hurry!
Go, go, go!

[Victoria] Look at all
their stuff.

Oh, my God,
they've got a sauna!

What? Whose taxes are
paying for that?

In here.

Ahhhh!

- Put it up here.
- Right here.

Oh!

- [loud beep]
- Over there. Pick it up.

[security radio]
All officers be advised.

Possible security breach
in sector Foxtrot One.

[In hallway]
- Right this way...!

Go! Go!

[dog chewing]

That could've been my arm.

Yeah.

He's going to town
on that thing.

It's like kibble to him.

It's probably because
the suit smells like

every dog and cat
we've ever captured.

We gotta change our scent.

We gotta smell like the owner.
We gotta smell like money, man.

I'm putting on the silks.

[Frank] Yeah, good call.

Take off the huge
protective suit

and ensconce yourself
in that impenetrable
kevlar-like material, silk.

See? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

I come up with a good idea
and you sh**t it down

without even trying.

But if it's a bad idea, which
it is, we could end up dead.

Put your clothes back on.

No! I'm putting on his musk.

Please don't.
I can't stand that...

Oh. I usually hate cologne but
that has some really good notes.

I know. It smells good.

This is a good idea and you
should do it with me, man.

It's gonna work

and I think it would be a big
step for you mentor-wise.

Would you please
stop implying

that this is a two-way
learning process?

It's infuriating.

Frank, I'm going out there
with or without you.

Okay.

Which is it?

Without.

Sometimes it takes
a horrific mauling

to learn from your mistakes.

This is probably
your mauling.

Open the door.

On my count.
One... two...

Are you seriously not
going out there with me?

I mean, you would look
so good in the black.

Three.

[dog growling]

Hey. You smell that?

That's right, I'm a global money
laundering master.

I would do an accent

but I don't know how to do one
in a way that's not offensive.

Frank! Frank!
I got him. I did it!

Victory!

[Frank] No!

[dog barking]

It's tranquillo! Tranquillo!

[in Spanish accent]
Tranquillo!

Shred?

[Shred] It worked!

You d*ed?

[laughing]

It worked.

Wow. I guess that's two vi...

[dog growling]

...moments of success
I've had here today.

Hey.

Patel still cleaning up?

Yeah. He gets dinged if he
comes home smelling like fish.

Hey. Is everything
all good with you?

With me? Oh yeah, totally.
Why?

I don't know.

You were just really
collating earlier

and you've got all these
paper cuts.

I don't know, you just kinda
seem like something's up.

Oh. Um... Yeah. Yeah.

I don't wanna go to
this dinner tonight.

I don't really wanna go and eat
Camila's freakin' paella

and just watch her
and Shred be

all international
snowboard lovers, so...

Oh, my God.

I must be more self-involved
than I thought.

I had no idea you had
a thing for Shred.

Oh... oh no, I don't...
um, anymore.

I mean, I did, like...
like, no, I definitely did.

But, um... no, then she
came back and she's, like,

off the charts amazing, so.

Yeah.

I'm just kinda, like,
in my head about it.

So maybe that means
I do still like him.

I don't know.

Oh, man. Yeah.

That can't be easy.
But she's so gorgeous.

Yeah.

And, like, really cool
and nice and fun.

She seems like
a cool chick.

Yeah. And she's
a pro athlete, so.

Yeah.

I don't wanna be around
any of that.

Hey, um, why don't you
just bail tonight?

I could vouch for you.

You know, say you had
a tummy thing.

Everyone knows
that you barf easy.

How do you think
that would look?

Honestly, probably
like a bail so, uh...

Yeah.

Oh, why don't we get
a few drinks beforehand

and show up a bit wasted?

I mean, I wish there was
another way, but...

Well, I will be there tonight

so if it gets
totally unbearable,

just give me a signal.

And then we can get
outta there together.

It'll be our little cover.

[laughs] Okay.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, thank you.
Thank you.

I do think that you should head
home and freshen up though.

- Yeah.
- Change those bandages.

God, I am just not
clotting today. So...

Yeah, get some
fresh ones on.

Yeah. Stop by the doctor.

Okay. Maybe stitches.

[dog panting]

You wanna take this guy
on a perp walk?

Yeah, you wanna put
your uniform back on?

No, no. I think it'd be baller
to go out there like this.

You know, the cops are
going to be filming it.

Dressed like a tablecloth?

Dude, I look good.

Also, I'm still
waiting for it.

What?

The "good job, Shred".
"You k*lled it".

"Your outside the box thinking
really came through".

I don't teach like that.

Come on, man.

What's the point of all this?

It's like you're trying to
demoralize me into leaving.

Is that what you want,
you want me to quit?

No, I don't want you
to quit.

Then make me feel like we're
in this together, Frank.

I don't know how to do it
any other way.

It's me, Shred.
Come on.

Well, what if we saw this
as a teachable mentor moment?

It's hard to take you seriously
dressed like that

but I'm thinking about it.

[Spanish hip hop music]

♪

♪

It's here!

- [Emily] Oh, my God.
- [Victoria] Oh, my gosh.

[Victoria] Wow.

[Frank] I hope there's
another one of those.

Amazing.

Thank you for doing this.

Of course.

You know, I made Shred
seat us next to each other.

Oh?

I'm really excited
to get to know you

and a little nervous,
to be honest.

Why... why are you nervous?

[glass clinking]

[Patel] I'd like to make
a toast, everyone.

Uh... first of all, Camila,
thank you so much for having us.

This paella looks delicious.

And might I add,

the paella is not the only dish
being served today.

Fish and Game
also received

a nice, big plate of
how do you like me now?

What?

Oh, nothing. Never mind.

What is he on?

Wait, so why... why were
you nervous to meet me?

It's... it's just
the way that Shred...

[Frank] You know what?

If we're giving speeches,
uh, then I think it's my turn.

Really? I feel like
we should just dig in

'cause that looks amazing.

Yeah. Let's not really
do toasts,

let's just let conversations
evolve, you know?

Did you guys not eat today?

Because I would like
to direct this

at Camila's much, much
lesser half,

who actually had a halfway
decent day in the field.

He single-handedly captured
a 149-pound mastiff

and then wore the hell
out of some silk pajamas.

I would like to recommend
my trainee,

from here on out,
be known as Shred.

[Victoria] Woohoo!

He is off probation and is
granted junior officer status.

[all cheering]

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

I would like to propose
a toast myself.

To Frank, who might just turn
out to be a pretty good mentor.

But he's not quite there

so I recommend extending
his mentor probation period.

Uh... mentor probation?
That's not a thing.

Show of hands who thinks mentor
probation should be a thing.

[Victoria] I'm in.

What a bunch of Judas'.
Guess who's back on probation?

Yes, my trainee everyone.
I pull my recommendation.

So... so you were saying
something about Shred

and you being nervous
and then you...

Oh no, it's stupid.
I'm just being insecure.

It's just that you can tell
by the way he talks about you

that he thinks
you're really great.

Oh.

And then I met you
and you're, like, radiant.

Okay, I... I don't know
about that.

I don't know that I radiate.

You do. Trust me.

I think they're waiting for the
host to tell them they can eat.

Oh my God, of course.
Let's eat.

I'm gonna start with you.

[siren whoops]

- [Shred] What is that?
- [Victoria] Wait. What?

Oh!!!!!

- [scream]
- [glass shattering]

What the hell is that?

That's the overwhelming
smell of defeat.

Oh, Jeez!

[exhales] Oh!