01x03 - Cougars and Kangaroos

[bunniefuu]

[Shred] If you were a dog,
what breed would you be?

[Frank] You know those
hypoallergenic ones,

uh, what are they?

Oh, the ones that don't answer
stupid questions.

[Dispatch] Truck 12.
Please respond.

Cougar observed at residence.


Homeowner is out of town.

Truck 12 responding.

There's been a lot
of sightings lately.

A security camera
at a dry cleaner's

got some great footage.

It's a beautiful animal.
C-38. Majestic.

Poor guy's probably just hungry,
you know?

This isn't some cute
little kitty.

You know that right?

Last year in Spokane another
cougar att*cked an officer,

broke through his ribcage,
and ate his lungs.

Oh, my God.
Did he survive?

Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.

Finished third at
the New York Marathon.

Thank God.

You know, I love stories
like that.

Triumph of the human spirit.
You can't keep us down, Frank.

He d*ed, Shred.

Oh, my God.

What?

On the stairs.
Right in the bushes.

You see that?

The hydrangeas or the azaleas?

I don't know.
The pink ones.

Azaleas.

Oh my God.

[Frank] Hand me the tranq g*n.

If he comes for us,

we're supposed to make
ourselves look big.

Shh. Yeah.
That's the official line.

But here's the real deal.

Cup your junk and
hide behind something.

Make your whole package
as inaccessible as possible.

But Frank, I... I heard
they go for your neck.

Yeah, they do.

But it's not about
staying alive,

it's about life being
worth living if you survive.

Be careful.

I think I got a clean sh*t.

Unbelievable.

What?

[laughs]

What are you...

Frank? Frank? Frank?
Are you crazy?

Cover up your junk.

It's a stuffed animal.

You don't know that.
It might just be asleep.

Yeah. Well, when it wakes up
I'd speak to it in Vietnamese

since it's probably
where it was made.

They do great work.

Whoo! Okay.

Yeah, I'll make the call
to dispatch.

Let 'em know it's a false alarm.

- Wait.
- What?

You know what Churchill said.
Never let a crisis go to waste.

Totally.

Quick refresher...
uh, who is Churchill?

Relief pitcher
for the Mariners.

I hear that dude's having
a great season.

Look... we both know
this cougar isn't real.

Right.

But nobody else does.

So, we have an opportunity to
humiliate a deserving individual

and it would be wrong
to pass that up.

Right?

Gentlemen.

Templeton... thank God
you're here.

You're lucky I'm working
graveyard this week.

Bring me up to speed.

Come here.

The predator is in those bushes.

See? Now we've sh*t him
full of tranqs

but that is one amped-up cat.

Copy.

It takes a big man to admit
when he's in over his head.

So... he's already k*lled
a couple of dogs.

But the real concern
is the elementary school

down the street.

Yeah. Breaks my heart

but, I think, we might have
to euthanize.

Stand back, boys.

This is a job for
Mister Remington.

Okay.

Bye-bye kitty-cat.

On my orders... fire.

You're gonna order yourself
to fire, sir?

Stop questioning my authority.

Execute!

[g*nsh*t]

[chuckling]

What?

[laughing]
That was so good.

That went so much better
than anyone could've hoped for.

Oh, my goodness.

[theme song]

♪

[Dolores] 'Kay. People are
still not conforming

to recycling protocols.

And once again,

a half-eaten hamburger
is not recyclable... Frank.

Thank you, Dolores.

Uh, Dolores...
is this recyclable?

Of course.

Oh, terrific.

Yeah. You've done
that joke before.

Well, when you see Elton John
you want him to play Rocket Man.

Uh, Frank? Shred?
Did anything happen recently

that maybe I should be brought
up to speed on?

Which category?

Routine checks or events
that were hilarious

and humbled a person
who richly deserved it?

Templeton filed a formal
complaint so now HR is involved.

Oh no... not the department you
want as the arbiter of humor.

You know who's sneaky funny?

Payroll.

Look, Emily, we're really sorry
you got dragged into this.

This is one of those rare
occasions where our joy

is worth the suffering
it causes others.

Well, I'm gonna be on the phone
for the next five hours

getting you guys out of trouble.

So, I'm not demanding it,

but a large smoothie from the
place that I like on the corner

would be a really
thoughtful surprise.

Oh... absolutely Emily.

In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies
for the entire office,

including you, Dolores.

Just a gentle reminder,

those cups need to be rinsed
before they're recycled.

You bet.

Along with the 400 straws
I'm bringing you.

[knocking on door]

[whispers] Again, so sorry.

No, absolutely Captain,
I hear you loud and clear.

[whispering] I added the papaya
extract boost.

[whispering]
Thank you.

[whispering]
It's an antioxidant.

I figured with all
the truck exhaust

and environmental toxins...

[whispering] You know
I read about that.

Do you know what else
is supposed to be...

No, absolutely.
I agree.

It's a very, very
serious incident.

[whispering]
...is pomegranate extract.

I've been taking it,
like, before breakfast

and I feel like I notice
a difference in my skin.

[whispering]
Yeah. You got a glow.

[whispering]
Really?

[whispering] What are you doing
for sun protection?

[whispering] Like, SPF 50
and, like, a big floppy hat...

No... exactly, Captain.

No, I... I spoke to the officers
and it won't happen again.

[whispering] Okay.
Super triple promise.

I'm leaving now. Sorry.

[whispering] Oh wait!
I forgot.

I got you this morning
glory muffin.

Crazy amount of fiber.

Not that you need it.

You don't come off
as constipated at all.

You know I'm not a fan
of Templeton but come on,

you went too far.

Since at least the bronze age,
pranks have been employed

as a necessary form of
workplace justice.

Look... I don't like
to get grandiose.

Oh, you love to get grandiose.

That's true, I am pretty good
at it.

But if jerks like Templeton
go left unchecked,

they become Vladimir Putin.

So sometimes the children
of light

have to employ the methods
of the children of darkness.

What?

A simple thank you
is all I ask.

And now... good day.

Ugh.

He's insufferable!

That dude deserves some
serious karmic payback.

I don't really believe
in karma.

Too many bad things happen to
me when I don't have it coming.

♪

[knocking on door]

I found this in
the recycling bin.

It's Frank's.

Okay, you don't know that.

It's a size 14 and
it reeks of arrogance.

Can you just give me a sec?

What's with the pictures
of Shred?

Uh, no... nothing.

I was... I was doing some,
uh, paperwork and I...

"Shred Taylor penis"?

No! No, no, no.
That's not... no.

Why were you Googling that?

No, I... I wasn't.

Well, I was looking up
Shred because of,

like, professional, totally
above-board reasons...

um... and I think I just,
I clicked the wrong button.

Do you have a thing for him?

No.

No! No.
He's my employee.

And he has a girlfriend.

And regardless of that
it's... no.

His penis is frozen?

Yeah. Yeah.

Is or was, I don't know.
It's unclear.

How did you even find that?

It's the third thing
that pops up. Okay?

It was "Shred Taylor."
"Shred Taylor Half-pipe."

"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."

You totally have a thing
for him.

No!

We've just been carpooling
a lot and...

and we like the same
cheesy music,

and I would never act on it,
but, like... yeah.

I looked him up
and it turns out,

when he was injured
on the slopes,

his, um... extremities
were impacted by the cold.

It's, like, a real-life
condition that affects Sherpas

and ice fisherman
and snowboarders.

Well...

Well what?

Does it work?

Okay. Dolores...

None of the articles
say anything about that

which is crazy 'cause it's
all anyone wants to know.

It's probably fine but you
should stop researching it,

it's just gonna make
your crush worse.

I don't want it to be fine.

That's the whole thing,
if it's... if it's broken

or if it's, like,
at a weird angle,

or if it's just, like,
straight-up gone

then I can just let this go.

[laughing]

I'll go get my laptop.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

- This is gonna be so much fun!
- [Emily] Oh, boy.

[alert chiming]

Oh crap, it's still on.

What?

Maya hired a photographer

to sh**t our Christmas
card tonight.

And I've got boobs.

Oh, no you don't.

I was gonna lose 10 pounds
before the sh**t.

But then you know what happened?
I didn't.

She got matching white satin
shirts for the whole family.

White satin, Victoria.

Your wife's insane.
Postpone it.

I think it's weird to be doing
it this early anyway.

It's a competition thing
with her sister.

And we're never gonna win.

They're a much more
attractive family.

Oh yeah, you showed me
a photo.

They're gorgeous.

Hey!

[chair clattering]

Anyone wanna volunteer for
my vaccination clinic Saturday?

[overlapping]
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, I would love to.

- That sounds great!
- Yes! Absolutely.

Great, thanks.

My post-doc resident, Serge,
will be covering for me.

[overlapping]
- Ooh...
- Did you say this Saturday?

Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer
game actually.

Actually, I'm free.

Really?

Yeah. Totally.

You're my hero.

You know what,
I can do it.

I have experience.
I can move some stuff around.

Now you're my hero.

No. It's about the dogs,
not about me.

Aww.

[laughs]

You bought that?

You just gave up your Saturday
and you still have no sh*t.

I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww"
from the Hot Vet?

Are you her hero?

Oh, and Frank...

[chair clattering]

I heard what you did
to Templeton,

and I shouldn't admit this,
but hilarious.

[laughs]

Thanks.

You know, it's rare when a hero
is also so funny.

Am I right?

I don't think it was
that funny.

[chair clattering]

Oh, sh**t.
False alarm.

You got me.

[Shred] I can't stop thinking
about that kid.

What kid?

The kid that's gonna
come home,

find his favorite stuffed animal
blown to smithereens,

lying headless in the driveway.

That kid.

Look... I'm in a good mood.

Why are you trying
to bring me down?

It's just... maybe we should try
to replace it.

Okay. What the hell?

After lunch we'll stop by
a toy store.

- Nice.
- You happy?

- Yes.
- Alright.

[alert chimes]

Whoa. This day just keeps
getting better.

You have her under "Hot Vet"?

Yeah, I can't believe
she's texting me.

Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus.

[brakes screeching]

What are you gonna say?

I don't know.

I wanna engage
without coming on too strong.

Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What do you think of this?

You nailed it.

- Send.
- [laughing]

[alert chimes]

[alert chimes]
[Victoria] Ha, ha! Bingo!

He's on the hook.

What'd he say?

Just "hey".

He's trying to play it down
like it's no big deal

but I know that he's as giddy
as a little school girl.

What are we gonna text him?

No, nothing yet.
I'm gonna make him sweat.

But thank you.

Yes.

...By the way.
This was a genius idea.

My wife does it all the time.

I'll leave my phone somewhere

and when she calls me,

her name comes up as
"suburban sex goddess"

or "spicy mama".

[chuckling]

Or "need almond milk".

That one's just when she needs
almond milk.

- No, I... I got that.
- Yeah.

Anything?

Nothing. Total silence.

Three dots and a bubble,
here we go!

So, she's crafting
her words carefully.

- Oh, hell yeah.
- Come on.

Okay, how does this sound?
My thing got cancelled.

"...so, you'll be stuck with me
all day Saturday."

Yes!

Dude, have some champagne
chilled in the truck,

just in case.

Right? It does feel officially
safe to get cocky.

Yes.

[laughs]

[Emily] Okay, there's gotta
be something.

Do you have anything?

Zero. And some of the websites
I stumbled onto

were not what I was thinking

and I'm scared there's gonna be
a knock on my door.

Okay, this is maddening.

I cannot be the only person
in the universe

who wants to know the condition
of Shred Taylor's penis.

Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's
computer and hit the dark web.

None of these are big enough.

Okay. She just said, "is it
weird I'm texting you?

"You know, since
we're coworkers".

Well, that's a good point,
you know,

'cause it could get awkward.

Are you sure you wanna
take it there?

I would take a lifetime
of awkward

just to spend one night
with her.

So, what do you think of this?

[keypad clicking]

Maybe a little.

No. Don't say that.
You're gonna get in her head.

Exactly. Keep her off balance.

Why would you wanna do that?

This is a game of chess,
it's a battle of wits.

No, it's more like a dance.

And I'm not saying that

just 'cause I don't know how
to play chess.

Hold her hand.
See where the music takes you.

I haven't been on a date
in five months

so I'm not letting you get
in my head.

I'm sticking with chess.
I'm sending it.

- Fine.
- [alert chimes]

But we're wasting our time.

I know where to get a giant
stuffed animal.

Wait. They have really good
puzzles here.

"Maybe a little."

What a jerk.
Who even says that?

Are you listening to me?

I'm spinning out about
this damn Christmas card.

I'm gonna be on refrigerators
all over Seattle.

A diet inspiration for pudgy,
middle-aged men.

I just find it hilarious
that mister slobbering

all over himself is suddenly
mister self-control.

He takes, like, 10 minutes

to craft each of his
three-word replies.

I'm gonna be a white satin
man boob reminder

to put down the ice cream.

I wanna help my community, yeah,
but not like that.

I'm gonna tell him I had a dream
about him last night.

No, that's mean.
Don't do that.

Too mean or good mean?

You know what I think?

What do you think?

I don't think you're getting
off on the cruelty of the prank,

I think you're just getting off.

What?

[laughs] Yeah. I think you
like the flirtation.

I think you like him.

Frank? That's crazy.

Okay, then why...
why are you blushing?

I'm not blushing.

I'm emotionally tormenting
someone because it's fun.

Mmhmm.

I've got my flaws
and I'm fine with it.

At least your flaws
are on the inside.

[laughs] Right?

[Dispatch] Truck eight.
Please respond.

Kangaroo escaped
from the Seattle Zoo.

Zookeeper is requesting back-up.


Truck eight responding.

Okay. I'm gonna need you
to focus.

Okay. I'm bringing out
the big g*ns.

I'm gonna blow his horny
little mind.

[keypad clicking]

Come on... no service?

What is it, the bumper cars
are interfering?

Will you please knock these down
so we can get outta here.

I'm trying, Frank.

What is going on?
I thought you were an athlete.

Yeah, in a leg-based sport.
This is, like, an arm sport.

There's wrist stuff...

I gotta get back
into cell service.

See? It's not so easy.

Excuse me. Sir?

How much for that huge lion
on the top row?

Prizes are not for sale.

Look at that, Shred.

We found the one carny
with scruples.

Can you believe it?

We can... we can earn it.

Okay.
Well, how about... now?

That might get you something
from the second row.

Like a little badger.

But are you serious?

We need the lion, Frank.

How much for something
from the top row?

Three badgers.

There's a cash machine
by the funnel cakes.

Two and a half badgers!

This is extortion.

This was a very
reasonable bribe.

Excuse me, guys, sorry.

Excuse me, coming through guys.
Thank you.

Officer Patel,
This is Officer Sands.

What's the situation?

Jumping Jack.
Second time he's escaped.

Anyway, we got him trapped.

What do you need from us?

Not much.

Just stay here and help keep
away the looky-loos.

- Hmm.
- 'Kay.

Alright, Jack.

Don't you need, like, a net
or something?

No, just grab him
by the tail.

Sure.

Alright, Jack.
Vacation's over, buddy.

Okay. Whoa!

[Victoria] Um...

What... what should we do?

Stand your ground.
We'll sneak up from behind.

Ooh... hey mate.

Just like this?

[Victoria]
G'day. Hello.

What's he doing?

Don't mess with me, kangaroo.
I boxed Golden Gloves.

[kangaroo growling]

He's got a crazy look
in his eye.

Keep him engaged.

Roger. I'll amp up
the trash talk.

What do you weigh, 140?
Huh?

Welterweight's got nothing
on me, Jack.

I'm 160.

Wouldn't telling him
your real weight be scarier?

Don't press on my insecurities!

He doesn't seem afraid of you.

Oh yeah?
You ready to go? Huh?

'Cause I'm ready to go.

[punch lands]

Oh!

That's gotta hurt, yeah.
You okay?

Keep it up,
just a little longer.

Is that all you got?

[kangaroo growls]

- [thudding]
- [crowd gasps]

Oh, mate. Ow, yeah.
Down you go.

[Zookeeper] Okay. We got him!

- Good work, officer.
- See ya, mate.

See ya.

[groaning]

How you doing down there?
Yeah? You a bit winded?

[Frank] Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Oh! Finally, a signal.
Three bars.

[alert chimes]

She... she wants me
to come over tonight

for a quote unquote drink.

Holy moly!
The Hot Vet and me!

Knight to queen four!

- What?
- It's chess!

I can't believe I got my
ass kicked by a kangaroo.

Hmm.

[alert chimes]

Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.

Crap. I forgot about
the photo sh**t.

Which I no longer have to do.

Maya's not gonna want
a Christmas card

with this hideous face on it.

Everything's coming up Patel.

[laughs]

[doorbell rings]

Uh... by any chance

are you someone we work
with's roommate?

The Hot Vet just doesn't seem
like the type

to do something like this.

Collette, Frank.
Her name is Collette.

Collette the vet?
That's unfortunate.

This is ridiculous.
I'm just gonna call her.

[phone vibrating and chiming]

[gasps]

Yes.

Hello.

Victoria? What are you doing
with Hot Vet's phone?

You tell me.
You're the expert on pranks.

Oh, my God, it was you?

Sometimes the children
of the light

need to use the methods
of the children of darkness.

The whole time?

How does it feel?

[Frank] Bad. It feels
really bad.

Yeah.

[Frank] But I gotta say,
I'm a little impressed.

If I were wearing a cap,
I would tip it to you.

Oh, I would love that.
But did you learn anything?

Yes. That I can dish it out
but I absolutely can't take it.

So, will you stop pranking
people so much?

No.

But I will be more vigilant
about not getting gotten myself.

And, I don't know when,
it may take years...

but I will retaliate.

[Victoria] Can't wait.

Goodnight Victoria.

[giggling]

Sucka lucka.

I'm sorry, Delores,

that you became a pawn
in Victoria's sick game.

Leave the bottle of wine
and we'll call it even.

I don't know.

I had high hopes for this
evening and I splurged.

Okay, what about one glass?

That seems fair.

I gotta say,

you are being very
not horrible about all this.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Has Shred ever mentioned
an unusual sports injury?

Oh, you read about
the frozen penis thing

and wanna know if
it still works?

There's been some discussion.

Oh, I've asked him.
And it's... a-okay.

And I've seen it.
In the restroom.

It's, and I don't know
how else to describe it...

Gorgeous. It's pristine.

Like a renaissance artist
sculpted it

and then k*lled himself 'cause
he could do no finer work.

God, that guy just glides
through life.

The universe is truly garbage.

Would it be unpleasant if I
joined you for a glass?

It would not be unpleasant.

As long as you properly recycle
that bottle.

Did you just make a joke?

Maybe.

I hope the kid likes it.

This is really nice of you.

No... it's not
that big a deal.

- [alert chimes]
- Oh.

[under her breath]
No...

Okay buddy.

[to herself]
Are you kidding?

[sighs]

You ready to go?
You alright?

- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Okay.

- Whoa!
- What?

Down the street.

[Emily gasps]

[Shred] Wow.

Frank was right.
It is majestic.

It's beautiful.

Um... but also super dangerous

so maybe we should get back
in the car and report it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- We should be fast.
- Oh, my God.

[Dispatch] To all units...

two off-duty officers report
a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.

Officer Dutch responding.

I am instructing
the reporting officers

to take their fake cougar
and shove it up their-

[bleep]

Over.

[breathing heavily]

No one can know about this.

Obviously.

This was like a one...
one-and-a-half time thing.

Obviously.