02x22 - (We're So Sorry) Uncle Earl

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, Carl. The answer is 6.

That means you are
dumber than a dog.

Wow.

Oh, man! When is this not on?

Next up, a cd from
rapper white gold.

Or should I say
Warren goldblatz?

Another prep-school poser

whining about how
hard it is out there

to be a gangsta.

Barney bittman. I love that guy.

Oh, I love this.

Are you guys serious?

He trashes
practically everybody.

I would not waste 2 seconds

on that squinty-eyed
little weasel.

Coming up, a cd from
teen pop sensation mikalah,

or should I say teen
poop sensation?

Move over and hit "record"!

♪ You fall in love with me ♪

♪ in no time at all ♪

♪ if cupid had a
heart, he would... ♪

"If cupid had a heart."

Give me a break! If
mikalah had a heart,

she'd stop singing!

But I did buy 2 of her cd's,
and they were fantastic...

At blocking out her
moose calls! Grr...

Crush her, Barney, baby!

Coming up next week, I review
yet another teen pop sensation,

Hannah Montana.

Whoop-de-doo.

Barney bittman? Whose career
is that squishy-faced snake

going after this time?

Come on!

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ hottest styles, every
shoe, every color ♪

♪ yeah, when you're
famous, it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ it's really you, but
no one ever discovers ♪

♪ who would have
thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ chill it out, take it slow,
then you rock out the show ♪

♪ you get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ mix it all together,
and you know ♪

♪ that it's the best
of both worlds ♪

ha ha ha!

Daddy, there is no way

I'm letting Barney
bittman review my concert.

Can't I just have the flu?

Mile, why are you
letting this guy get to you?

What's the worst
thing he could say?

Well, how about...

Hannah Montana, what did

that poor state ever do to you?

You know, that sounds exactly

like something he would say.

Mi... Miley's right...

what?

And it would be terrible.

It would be just awful.

But honey, it wouldn't matter.

You said yourself,
the guy's a jerk.

Yeah, but... He's a jerk
who knows good music.

And if he doesn't like me,

then maybe I'm no
better than mikalah.

Oh, Miley Stewart,
you don't believe that

any more than I believe
calling a snail escargot

is going to stop it from
tasting like a salty loogey.

You know, as gross as
that sounds, I have to agree.

He's right.

Miley, you're way
better than a salty loogey.

Fine.

I'll do the concert.

But if Barney bittman
is going to be there,

this has got to be the
best show I have ever done.

All week, I am
going to rehearse.

No distractions,
no interruptions...

Surprise! Surprise!

Earl! Uncle Earl?

I ran over this in Texas.

Who wants to grill it up?

Oh, sweet blintzes!

Whoo doggies!
Look at this place!

You folks sure live
high on the hog.

Speaking of hogs...

I can't believe you
brought cuddles.

Well, I needed someone
to keep me company.

It was either him or aunt Pearl,

and this one
doesn't need to stop

every 20 minutes to tinkle.

Hey, uncle Earl, what's this?

Oh, that's cuddles' tinkle box.

Ew! Ew!

Oh, you are such a wimp.

Take it back. Take it back.

Oh, it's getting on me!

Aah! It's seeping
through my clothes!

Aah!

Daddy, you know
I love uncle Earl,

but how am I going
to focus on my concert

with him here?

Mile, I wouldn't
even worry about it.

If I know Earl, all he's
going to want to do

is run around Hollywood
with a map of the stars' homes

and play celebrity
ding-dong-ditch.

Like you did when
we first moved here?

Good times. Good times, yeah.

So, Earl, what do
you want to do first?

Venice beach, Hollywood sign,

maybe play a little
ding-dong-ditch?

Ooh, that sounds tempting,

but I'm out here on a mission.

I'm going to be a...

Rock star.

What?

I know, it sounds
crazy. But Robbie ray,

you followed your dream.

I always kick myself
for giving up on mine.

I mean, look at us. Remember
when I was the hot one?

He was the hot one?

No, it's true.

Uncle Earl was the prom king,

and dad had a unibrow.

Sexiest unibrow
in beauford county.

You know, all these
years I've wondered...

What would have happened
if I stayed with my music?

Would I have a
little bit more of this?

Maybe just a little
bit less of this?

Well, now, with the
help of hannie montanie,

I'm gonna know for sure.

Uncle "showed up at the
worst time possible" say what?

I know what you're thinking...

This unc can't bring the funk.

Well, get ready to
scream like a girl

when you feel the
power of uncle Earl!

Well, what did you think?

I think I lost a filling!

Me, too!

I'll drive you to the dentist!

Be honest.

I can honestly say...

I've never heard
anything like it before.

And I may never hear
anything ever again...

Like that... Because
it was special.

So you'll help me?

A talent like yours just
screams "help me," Earl.

I knew my kin would
be there for me.

There's just one little problem.

You see, I have this
concert on Saturday,

and this major critic is coming.

So I'm going to be
rehearsing every minute.

That's no problem.
That's perfect.

What better way for me to
learn how to be a rock star

than to follow you around?

You won't even know I'm there.

Just a little fly on the wall.

♪ Just a little
fly on the wall ♪

I'm going to be needing
a really big flyswatter.

♪ I am a rock star ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

Yeah!

That was awesome!

That was awesome!
Great job, guys!

I can already hear
Barney bittman saying,

"what a band! What a girl!
What a show! Ha ha ha ha!"

All right. Now
let's kick some butt

on "nobody's perfect"
and call it a great day.

Let's go.

♪ Everybody makes mistakes ♪

♪ everybody has those days ♪



♪ Everybody makes mistakes,
everybody has those days ♪

♪ everybody knows what,
what I'm talkin' about ♪

♪ everybody gets that way ♪

♪ everybody makes mistakes,
everybody has those days ♪

♪ everybody... ♪

Uncle Earl, what are you doing?

Watching your rock-star moves.

Gee, thanks. Ha ha ha...

Ooh, Earl, dangflab
it, there you are.

Come on, Robbie ray!

I done seen the lighting booth,

the sound booth,
the dressing room!

I just want to watch
one song real close-up!

Please?

Now, Earl, that puppy-dog face

used to work when we were kids,

but I'm a man now.

Oh, what the heck, Miley.

One song won't hurt, will it?

Thank you, o man of steel.

Ok.

You can watch one song,

but please just
don't get in the way.

I won't. Fly on the wall.

You won't even know I'm here.

Won't even know
I'm here. Not here.

Look out, uncle Earl!

Ooh!

Oh, Earl, you clumsy
dang clodhopper!

Sorry, young fella.

It's cool. It was an accident.

Are you hurt, son?

I think I broke my hand.

Oh... but you can
still play, right?

No.

But... I'm sorry. It's
just so important.

Don't worry, kiddo.

I caused this problem.
I'm gonna fix it.

I don't like where
this is going!

Hannie montanie, say howdy

to your brand-new guitar player.

♪ Everybody makes mistakes,
everybody has them days ♪

Are you sure you can't
play with your feet?

Daddy, what am I going to do?

As soon as Barney
bittman sees me on stage

with uncle Earl, he'll rip
me worse than mikalah.

Maybe Earl won't be that bad.

♪ I'm gonna be a rock star ♪

♪ I'm gonna be a rock star ♪

He's doing a jig with a pig.

Ha ha ha... I'll go talk to him.

Perfect. Dad will talk to him,

he'll understand, and
everything will be ok.

So... Who wants pie?

You caved, didn't you?

I'm sorry, honey,
but he looked at me

with that puppy-dog face.

I got a puppy-dog face, too.

Aw...

No. Earl's got you b*at.

Fine. I'll go talk to him.

I can't believe it, Pearl.

Miley's making my
dream come true.

I feel like sanjaya.

You know, in the early rounds.

And you know what?

Ever since I found
out I was in the band,

I'm not hungry all the time.

It's like I was eating
to fill the emptiness,

and now... My guts
are filled with love.

And it's all because of Miley.

So, how did it go?

He said I filled
his guts with love.

Well, this is quite the dilemma.

You can't keep uncle
Earl away from the critic,

and you still
haven't figured out

how to keep the critic
away from uncle Earl.

What to do? What to do?

What's it gonna cost me?

A hundred bucks and
cuddles sleeps in your room.

And you clean the tinkle box.

Yours or the pig's?

Don't push it.

Now, all you have to do

is get Barney to
leave the concert

to go to a party at
ozzie Osbourne's.

Perfect plan... If I
knew ozzie Osbourne!

Oh, what do you do
now, love? Sharon!

Hannah, this place is packed,

and I can see Barney
bittman in the balcony.

Does he look happy?

Catch of the day?

What day? Last Thursday?

Not really.

Miley, the show is going
to start in 5 minutes.

Where's uncle Earl?

Maybe he got stage fright.

You know, deep down
he really is very shy.

Check out your funky
uncle! I'm a... Rock star!

Ok. Uh...

Funcle Earl, I love the whole...

Flamin' head thing
you got going on.

Just can we bring
it down a notch?

Or more. A lot.

Whatever you're
comfortable with.

A lot would be good.

Sorry. It's hard to take it down

on the greatest
night of my life!

I mean, look at
me! I'm so excited

I'm sweating my flames off!

Well, then let's
go get you a towel

and maybe a big hat...

Or whatever you're
comfortable with.

A big hat would be good.

Well, I guess it's all
up to Jackson now.

Pray with me.

Oh, Barney!

Ozzie! Barney.

You cheeky monkey,
come give ozzie some love.

Ozzie. You look terrible!

What are you doing at a
Hannah Montana concert?

Oh, is... Is that where I am?

I thought... I thought
I was getting a taco.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

I'm listening!

Well?

You didn't say anything!

Oh. Oh, right. Um...

There's a party... At my house.

Come on.

Wait a minute.

I have to review Hannah Montana.

Oh, but Sharon's making guaca...

Giguaca... avocados
all mashed together.

It's very good.

Ok. I'll go with you,
but just one question.

How stupid do you think I am?

I was hoping a lot.

Enjoy the show. Ho!

Jackson's plan is gonna work.

Jackson's plan is gonna work.

Great news. My plan worked.

It did? It did? It did?

Yep. Bittman's on his
way to ozzie's right now.

So just go out there,
have a great concert,

and don't worry about a thing.

You're lying. How did you know?

Your lips are moving.

I'm sorry. I tried.

Y'all saw what Barney
bittman did to mikalah.

Think about what's
going to happen to me

when he sees me on stage
with the Earl of embarrassment.

I'm an embarrassment to you?

Ow! My tooth!

Mine, too! It hurts!

Nice flames.

Uncle Earl, I'm...

Earl, I found you a
hat. It's a big one, too.

You don't want me to
play with you, do you?

Oh, boy.

No... I don't.

Earl, this is my fault.

I should have been honest
with you from the get-go.

We love you. It's just that...

It's just... the show,
it's so important,

and you're so... Stupid.

Come on now, Earl. I mean...

You don't have to...

Aw, what was I thinking,

trying to be a rock star?

I was born a loser.

I'm always going to be a loser.

I'm the most embarrassing

dang doofus in
this whole family!

Worse than unlucky
bucky or wacky wilbur

or even Jackson.

Hey!

Good grief, boy. Look
what you're wearing.

And now, the
legendary tower of blues

is proud to present
Hannah Montana!

Uncle Earl.

That's all right. Robbie
can play the guitar parts.

He's got the hair for it.

I'm sorry, Earl.

Come on, darling. It's showtime.

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

How are you doing,
tower of blues?

Are you ready to rock?

Keep playing, daddy.
I'll be right back.

Come on, guitar man.

Drop your snack!
You're in the act!

What?

Yeah, come on.

I need my funky unkie on stage.

I thought you was worried
about that big-time critic.

I was, but I was wrong.

The truth is, I don't care
what anybody thinks.

Everyone deserves a
chance to live their dream.

And yours is waiting
for you on that stage.

So come on. I don't
have time to argue.

Earl, wait for me!

Now we're ready to rock!

♪ Sometimes I'll
walk a little faster ♪

♪ in the school hallway
just to get next to you ♪

♪ some days I'll spend
a little extra time ♪

♪ in the morning
just to impress you ♪

♪ guess you don't notice,
guess you don't need this ♪

♪ sad you're not seeing
what you're missing, honey ♪

♪ on the outside shying away ♪

♪ on the inside dying to say ♪

♪ I'm unusual, not so typical ♪

♪ way to smart to
be waiting around ♪

♪ tai-chi practices,
snowboard champion ♪

♪ I can fix the
flat on your car ♪

♪ I might even be a rock star ♪

♪ I might even be a rock star ♪

Hit it, uncle Earl!

Can't sleep?

How'd you know I was out here?

This is where I came
after my first concert.

Pretty pumped, aren't you?

Kiddo, I haven't
been this excited

since the last time I
saw my belt buckle.

You were awesome tonight.

Oh, thank you.

I can't believe you
were foolish enough

to let this old hillbilly
out on the stage.

Hey, if you can't
be a fool for family,

who can you be a fool for?

So what are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna go home.
I miss my Pearl.

But what about your
rock-star dream?

I lived it tonight,
thanks to you.

And sitting here, I'm realized

something very, very important.

What's that?

I can't get up.

How about I help you up?

All right.

Ah!

What's next? Oh, yeah.

Hannah Montana.

First of all, the name...
It rhymes. It's cute.

But why?

This is not starting off well.

Why don't I just
change the channel?

I think "are you dumber
than a dog?" Is on.

Oh, yeah. It'll be much more fun

watching Oliver lose
to the beagle again.

That dog was coached.

Guys, it's cool.

I did right by my family,
and that's all that matters.

Hannah and her band
gave one of the most bizarre,

chaotic performances
I've ever experienced!

Don't care. Don't
care. Don't care.

And I loved every minute of it!

It was pure old-school
kick-butt rock-and-roll,

the way it should be!

Yes! In your face,
mikalah. He likes me.

♪ Barney bittman likes me ♪

♪ huh huh-huh huh huh ♪

not that I care.