01x12 - Cool Dad

[bunniefuu]

Embarrassment is my least favorite emotion.

So how come the great highway of life

is full of potholes and road bumps

that leave you totally red in the face

and running for cover?

Any activity that registers over .

on the Richter scale of traumatic humiliation

should be banned.

Here are some of the leading offenders.

O.K. It's your birthday,

and all your friends gather round

to watch you open presents.

Why do moms have to give you underwear

in front of your friends?

And here's one that can turn a good grade

into a fate worse than cello lessons.

Class, Clarissa wrote a poem so beautiful

that I think everyone should share it.

Clarissa, would you please recite your poem,

The Loneliest Tree in the Yard,

aloud for the rest of us?

And then there's the ultimate humiliation.

Suddenly, one day, your father weasels his way

into every part of your life.

He shows up at school, hangs out with your friends.

It's a fate worse than death. It's career night.

Hi. I'm Clarissa's daddy.

Isn't my wittle baby girl pwecious?

My dad's invited to career night.

If he goes through with this, I'll start a new career--

as an orphan.

♪ Na na na na na

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♪ all right, all right ♪

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♪ na na na na na na

♪ way cool

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♪ all right, all right ♪

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♪ way cool

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♪ just do it ♪

I'm packing a few things

for a long trek among the remote Himalayas--

anything to escape career night psychosis.

You've seen them before right in your own homeroom--

ordinary kids whose lives were ruined

after their parents came to speak on career night.

Let's take a look at a few case histories.

First, there's Marcy Stanford--

your normal, well-adjusted teenager,

until her dad arrived on career night

to talk about the joys of being a butcher.

Marcy Stanford--

now a cherry bubble gum addict.

And what about Bowser Buttinsky,

the toughest kid in school?

His father speaks about scented candles

as a business opportunity.

The next day,

Bowser develops a passion

for flower arranging.

And what about the sad case of Dora Dillwinker,

your normal, everyday kid

pushed over the edge by her mom, Dottie,

the school bus driver.

Driving a school bus...

Stinks!

It's one snot-faced brat after another

screaming in my ear,

defecating in the back seat...

Within a week,

Dora breaks the record

for nonstop twitching.

I can't stick around

and let this happen to me.

Besides, I think I hear the call of Tibet.

Hi, Sam.

Mind if I hide out here awhile?

Why are you hiding out?

Dad wants me to go with him

to seeMutant Ninja Cheerleaders V.

Your dad wants you to see that movie?

It's his idea of father/son bonding.

You eat popcorn together; you scream together.

Later, you have nightmares together.

At least your dad's not into humiliating you

in front of your friends.

Still in the grips of your career night nightmare?

I saw dad dusting off his T square.

I'm afraid he said yes.

Well, my dad spoke last year. It wasn't so bad.

Sam, your dad's a sportswriter.

He gets to talk about Bo Jackson's trendy new underwear.

Yeah. The football team went wild over him.

They invited him to a big party.

Was it fun?

I wasn't invited.

Let's face it.

Career night is always bad news, no matter how it goes.

There, that's everything I need to survive

six months in the mountains.

Why don't you just tell him not to go?

He'll never understand.

Are you kidding? Parents are so sensitive.

If you even act the least bit

like you don't want him to come,

he'll probably get real self-conscious and bag it.

You're right. I'll drop a few hints.

Dad'll get so nervous he'll never want to go.

That's brilliant.

You just have to understand the mind of the parent.

Dad, can I have some money for the Willimaw Octiplex?

I'm doing a special report for school on American film genres.

Oh, what film are you gonna go see, Ferguson?

Oh, I'll be reviewing a contemporary tragedy

that slashes right to the bone.

It's crisis and trauma in the age of horror.

Whoa.

Dad, he's going to see

Mutant Ninja Cheerleaders: Pep Rally of Blood.

It's on all eight screens at the octiplex.

Ferguson, you know if you see that movie,

you'll have nightmares for weeks.

Mom, it's for my essay.

Besides, I'm planning to deconstruct

the subversive message of the genre.

Sorry, Ferguson. That film is not for you.

We'll rent It's a Wonderful Life on video.

You can write about that.

Thanks, snitch-face.

Anytime, toad turd.

You know, Mom, there are so many fine books

at the library, I think I'll get permission

to do my report on a novel.

What a good idea, Ferguson.

I've always wanted to introduce you to the classics.

Why don't we start withMoby-d*ck

by Herman Melville?

I've got my very own first copy upstairs.

Say, Sport, how long are these career night speeches usually?

Ah, seconds.

That seems pretty short.

And did they tell you it's supposed to be in Latin?

Latin?

School tradition, hardly worth the effort, huh, Dad?

Yeah, that's tough, but I did learn Latin

when I was in grammar school.

I'll be able to sneak by.

Come on, Sport.

Dad, I think we have to have a man-to-man talk.

What's on your mind?

Well, this career night thing

is gonna be really difficult.

Yeah, don't think I haven't thought about that.

Really?

Yeah, Sport. Come on.

I want to show you something.

When I went to college,

I saw my first T square.

It's what drew me into the world of architecture.

That's why I'm gonna pass it around.

When I first saw this funny-shaped...

Dad, I love that story about your T square,

but I didn't mean--

Oh, you know what I thought then?

I thought I would talk about

my first encounter with miniature shrubbery.

I love this stuff.

Dad, about career night--

I'm...I'm uncomfortable.

You are?

Something wrong with that chair? Sit over there.

No, Dad,

I'm uncomfortable about career night and your being

at my school with my friends.

Oh, I get it, Sport. Don't worry.

I'm not going to play favorites.

I know how these things work.

You know, I went to school once too.

I just want to tell you how I feel.

Sport, I understand.

It's so hard.

Now, I know what this means to you.

Yeah, but you--

It's just one of the great things

about being a father and a daughter.

There's no need for heavy feelings.

Right, Dad. Thanks.

I think I'll just stick

with that plain old sick feeling.

Hi, Sam.

How did things go with your dad?

Whoever said "honesty is the best policy"

never had to face their dad about career night.

Well, at least you didn't have to see rivers of blood

as Ginsu-wielding cheerleaders

ripped apart the football team.

Scary movie, huh?

Not really, but dad's a little shook up.

What do you mean?

He's at home right now installing

a do-it-yourself security system.

Was it that bad?

I think it was the scene

where the slime-covered mutant teenagers

bit off the head of the football coach in his den.

Ugh!

Yeah, he's afraid of teenagers now.

He even looks at me a little funny.

Wow, that's great.

What's great about it?

Mutant teenagers.

Imagine, one lone parent

surrounded by a roaring, rampaging posse

of violent teens on career night.

The dorky kids at school?

They're dumb, but they're not scary.

Dad doesn't know that.

Besides, I've got to give dad

a major dose of weirdness.

You could take him toMutant Ninja Cheerleaders.

No, I'm going to give him a private performance,

one he'll never forget.

Dad, get ready for your worst nightmare.

Teenage mutant ninja daughter.

Hyah!

Ferguson, isn't Moby-d*ck

the best book you've ever read?

Well, it certainly is the biggest book

and the longest.

It's just page after page after page

of stuff about whales.

O.K., I've got your schedule set.

After you've finished with Captain Ahab,

we can move on toMadame Bovary.

I found my classics club edition for you.

Gee, Mom, that's something to look forward to.

I'm sure I'll be finished with that in no time.

Hey, I didn't know Captain Ahab was a member

of the Justice League of superheroes.

Hey, give that back.

What happened to you?

Stuck your finger in a socket,

or do you just happen to look particularly lovely tonight?

Come on, Ferguson, time for bed.

You can read your book up in your room.

O.K., Dad.

Good night.

Hiya, Sport.

Hey, Pop.

Clarissa, what happened to your hair?

It's the latest look, Pop.

We all wear this kind of stuff at school.

Here. Hold this a sec.

What? Oh.

Thanks, old man.

Old man?

Clarissa, what exactly do you have in your nose?

It's my ring.

I'm getting another one for the other nostril.

Don't you think their hating?

Hating?

Oh, yeah, they're hating, all right.

You know, Dad, sometimes in school,

all the kids with the nose rings,

we get together and we chain 'em up

and we pull just to see whose nostril gets ripped.

How horrible.

The kids actually do that stuff at school?

Oh, that's nothing.

Sometimes just for fun, we all slam our heads against the wall

over and over and over just to see what happens.

That's gruesome.

Does anything happen?

Well, usually one kid freaks and becomes a screamer.

A screamer?

Yeah, you know, a screamer--

a kid who's obsessed with screaming at adults--

you know, parents.

First, he gets your address and phone number.

Then he tracks you down.

When he finds you, just screams and screams.

And screams!

This happens in your school?

Yeah.

That is the most barbaric thing I've ever heard of.

Yeah.

But you know, there's something interesting

about that wall banging thing.

Yeah, you should see the wall.

No, no, Sport.

I mean, it's like a basic

primitive urge toward space relations,

which is, you know, the foundation to architecture.

It is?

Yes. You know, this is great.

I could use this as a starting point to get your generation

to start thinking architecturally.

Yeah. Forget the old T square.

You know, I had no idea

that kids were so different today.

Hey, Dad, kids today aren't just different.

They're totally scary.

I don't want to put yourself through that.

No, you're right.

And I appreciate all the trouble you've gone through

to show me what kids are like.

Clarissa, I understand.

Gee, this is such a relief.

Clarissa, what happened to you?

Janet, she's fine.

Clarissa was just preparing me for her classmates.

You really woke me up, Sport.

I've been going about this thing all wrong.

I mean, I have to be relevant.

I have to be hip.

I have to be now.

I have to be groovy.

O.K., career night is almost here.

Dad still thinks it's the greatest moment in history

since Father's Day was declared a national holiday.

Me, I'm thinking of taking radical action.

Here are some things I've considered

to keep Dad from going.

First, I could put him into a trance.

You will not go to career night.

You will not go to career night.

I will not go to career night.

Then I considered re-covering dad's chair with Krazy Glue.

And as a last resort, there's getting him sent to jail

on a trumped-up charge.

Didn't he forget to put the twisties

on the garbage bag last week?

I'm innocent. I swear.

Save it for the judge, mister.

Around here,

twisties are the law.

Aah!

With my luck, he'd probably get off on a technicality

just in time for career night.

What am I going to do?

I need advice from someone wise, decisive,

and full of common sense.

Then again, I could just go talk to Mom.

Hi, Mikey, look who's here.

Hey, everybody, don't forget about me,

Betty Broccoli.

I provide calcium, too.

The thing is, we all have to work together.

Uh-huh.

Oh, hi, Clarissa.

Mom, aren't you a little old

to be playing with your food like this?

Clarissa, I'm working on myFun with Food Groupsshow

for the Children's Museum.

Don't forget the chocolate butterscotch food group.

I've never heard of that one.

It's the food group that makes you feel better

when you're down.

What's the matter, dear?

I'm worried about career night.

Clarissa, you are much too young

to be feeling that kind of pressure.

There will be plenty of time to choose a career.

No, it's dad's speech.

Oh, well, he's certainly excited.

That's just it.

I don't want to hurt Dad's feelings,

but having him speak at career night is like

having your most despised baby pictures

splattered all over the lunchroom.

It's humiliating.

Why are you so certain

that your father will embarrass you at career night?

Mom, did your dad ever come to your school?

Well, my father was different. He was much older.

I mean, he was older to me.

Oh, I remember one time in high school,

Dad showed up because it was raining.

What happened?

Well, I was joking in back with Joey...

Joey Russo.

And Dad came stomping into homeroom

wearing this full rain gear and knee boots

saying, "Janny, don't be forgetting your rain hat, eh?

Mama will get mad if you get sick."

What did you do?

I didn't talk to anyone for a week.

See what I mean?

Well, have you tried telling him how you feel?

Every time I try to talk to Dad,

he gets even more carried away.

He's not listening.

Don't worry, Clarissa, I'll talk to him.

You think he'll listen to you?

Of course. He always does.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, keep talking, honey.

I want to get this ready for career night.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hey, Sport. Now...

which do you think the kids will relate with more,

the drive-in pickle place or the Clip n Curl hair salon?

Now, I could add some spiky hair...

Mom!

Marshall, I've been trying to talk to you

about career night.

Clarissa and I have discussed it, and she feels that I--

Janet, I want you to come.

Yeah, but if you can't make it,

I'll have Ferguson videotape the presentation.

Mom!

Videotape won't be necessary.

Oh, you're gonna come. Great!

Okay, now, let me try a few jokes out on you.

[both groan]

You're not going to tell jokes, too.

Well, just a couple of yuckles to break the ice,

You know, I used to do a standup routine in college.

Did you hear about the blueprint

that turned green?

It ate too many bidding costs,

and it got sick.

I guess you have to be an architect for that one.

Marshall, if you tell jokes like that,

people will start laughing at you.

Well, I certainly hope so.

They'll laugh at Clarissa, too.

They will?

It's embarrassing to have your father

come to school and speak old-fashioned

parental lingo to your classmates.

Is that right, Sport?

That's kind of right, Dad.

Well, are you saying that I'm not cool?

Well...

You're not cool, Marshall.

You're very warm.

Wow, I hadn't considered this.

I don't know what to do.

I guess I'll just have to learn it.

Dad.

You can't learn cool. You have to live it.

Wow, Sport.

Far out.

That's great.

That is a great idea.

I have to live it.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You are?

Dear, what are you saying?

Well, all I have to do is just hang out

and live being cool.

And who could be better or cooler to hang with

than my own daughter?

Oh, no.

Boy, I love my family.

You guys, you're the best.

Marshall, I think we have to talk.

My dad's turned into a monster,

and there's nowhere to hide.

He's back.

He talks louder. He looks stupider.

He doesn't listen to a word you say.

Can this really be your dad?

That's truly bodacious, dude.

Watch as an innocent teenage daughter is humiliated

when her dad wears a turtleneck.

Oh, no! Not the turtleneck!

Aah!

He's your dad.

Clarissa. Clarissa.

Where's my pwecious little baby girl?

He's coming soon...

To make your life a living nightmare.

Aah!

Is everything O.K., Sport?

Sure.

Ready to hang out.

Great, Dad.

Hey.

Just go ahead and do what you normally do.

Dad, I don't normally

hang out with you.

Oh, right, correct.

Hey, I know.

We could listen to some record albums.

Records are kind of vintage, Dad.

Oh, of course. I meant to say CDs.

Have any Gordon Lightfoot?

What's a Gordon Lightfoot?

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

Hi, Mr. Darling.

Yo, Sam, what's the vibe?

Is the light bothering your eyes, Mr. Darling?

Huh? No.

Oh, shades, you know.

Dad's hanging out with us.

He's learning coolness.

Oh, hey. That's awesome.

Isn't it, though?

So don't let me bother you.

Just do what cool things you normally do.

Hey, Clarissa, weren't we going rollerblading?

Rollerblading?

Is that a new razor?

Well, it's...

Oh, Sam, you look a little young to be shaving, no?

Boy, this reminds me of the first day of school.

I'd meet new kids; I'd never know what to say.

Yeah, same thing happens to me all the time.

Yeah? And then when you finally say something,

you can't believe

how stupid it sounds.

That's right.

So you shut up until everyone's forgotten you exist.

That's right. And your clothes.

I used to get so hung up about what I was gonna wear.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, like I've always wanted to wear

those big Hammer pants,

but every time I tried on a pair, I just felt stupid.

Hey, Sam, let's go get something

we thought we'd never wear.

Cool.

Oh, I'll get my keys.

Sam!

Hey, Sport, you want to go down to the mall with us?

No.

All right.

Check you out later.

That's it. This has gone too far.

I have to go over dad's head and put a stop to this.

Mom!

Hold it right there, Fergbreath.

Do I know you, young lady?

Ferguson, if you think you're gonna get

into the movies like that, forget it.

You don't look older. You just look uglier.

Wait until they see my fake I.D.

Alfred Dalt, born .

I was a w*r baby.

Ferguson, I have a copy

ofCrime and Punishment for you.

You certainly are plowing through these classics.

Oh, yes, Mom.

Whenever I'm reading one, I just can't wait to finish.

Ferguson, what is that on your face?

Nothing, Mom.

Just a fake beard.

Why would you be wearing a beard?

Well, you see, Mom, it's because

I don't want to just read the classic novels;

I want to look like the writers, too.

Right now, I'm...

I'm feeling very...

Dostoevsky.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll take my book and read outside.

Clarissa,

I talked to your father,

and you don't have to worry about career night.

He's gonna cancel?

Well, he's still a little sensitive,

but I don't think he'll do anything

to embarrass you.

[rap music playing]

What in the world?

It's coming from the living room.

, , , .

♪ Here comes a man who's a friend of mine ♪

♪ He's all the way live 'cause he's got the rhyme ♪

♪ So throw your hands up in the air ♪

♪ Let's now jam to M.T. Square ♪

♪ From the Roman Coliseum to the modern art museum ♪

♪ I'm here to teach you that you can reach, too ♪

♪ That form follows function, and that is the key ♪

♪ You just got to think architecturally ♪

♪ Get live, Sam

♪ He's gonna build your house

♪ I'm gonna build your house

♪ Architects build your house

♪ Da house, da house, da house-- ♪

I can't take this!

Stop!

So, Sport, what do you think?

Dad, I don't want you to go to career night.

Well, why? I thought--

I think you and I should go

and get some lemonade.

Dad, how would you have felt

if your dad showed up to your school

wearing some ridiculous outfit?

Oh, Sport, my dad was different.

I mean, he was so much older.

Well, older than me, and--

Well, he was so square.

Oh, I see.

I guess I hoped our relationship was different.

But you're my dad, not some kid in school.

No, that's O.K. That's all right.

I guess we ought to forget about this career night.

I got carried away.

Are you sure?

It's O.K. Yeah, you know.

I liked the idea of seeing your school

and sharing what I do with your friends.

Dad, I--

Hey, it's all right.

I don't have to go. It's O.K.

Oh, I don't know.

I guess with all the dweeby parents we've had speak to us,

it wouldn't be bad to have

someone with something cool to say,

architecturally speaking, I mean.

So should I wear the pants?

Dad!

Yeah, I know.

You know, I think I've got 'em on backwards.

♪ Da house, da house ♪

No.

So how did it go?

Great.

Dad's Gherkins-A-Go-Go model was a big hit.

Yeah, the kids asked some terrific questions.

You know, I think there's an architect or two

in that crowd, don't you, Sport?

[doorbell rings]

Yeah, most of the kids thought Dad was so cool,

they didn't even mind that he kept hugging his T square.

Ferguson!

Where are they?

Keep those pompons away from me.

Excuse me, is this your son?

Ferguson, are you all right?

Son, what happened?

We found him outside the Willimaw Octiplex.

He was acting a little strange.

Ferguson always acts that way.

Don't let them touch me.

Just keep him away from the octiplex

until he turns or until they stop showing

Mutant Ninja Cheerleaders, whichever comes first.

Ferguson, we told you

not to see that movie.

Thank you, Officer. We'll take care of it.

Yeah, you folks have an outstanding evening.

Get away. Get away.

Now, Ferguson, listen to me.

Everything's going to be all right.

Yeah, it's just a silly movie.

Hey, what are those cheerleaders doing outside?

Cheerleaders! Aah!

Clarissa.

Sorry, Mom.

I don't know what came over me.

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