I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the bottle
but then I hit a
[Applause]
to us
to see me guna strike my
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my shuttle from the store
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Brande please I cannot take another
do-gooder meeting what's this one for
evil against the unethical treatment of
vegetables a very good cause you'll
never eat a tomato again once you've
heard their screams of agony when
they're sliced into a salad
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Rylee speak to me it wasn't me Grammy I
swear I didn't take it from your purse I
gotta get you to the hospital fast
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the gas bill the telephone bill ooh
here's blazers indecent exposure summons
blazer you don't have a body how can you
be indecently exposed
it wasn't easy I tell ya it takes
commitment so Spalding what's the
verdict
let me just total this up we're broke
destitute and penniless good thanks I
like a nap I'm doing my part I got our
grocery bill down to nearly nothing you
got a real light touch with doors meet
my man nothing I'm just making a fashion
statement oh you know not everyone can
wear a neck brace but on you it works
I'm being sarcastic damn it oh well it
still looks good check out the size of
this hospital bill we can't buy this
what are we gonna do su1c1de pact I'll
turn on the oven you guys go first
good day my handi-capable compadres oh
thank god for mrs. Venables and her fake
Social Security checks
actually I'm a bit worried about mrs. V
she's not her usual perky self maybe
because she's dead
we don't use words like dead Riley
we prefer viability challenged maybe
it's time she was viability Barry please
that explains the smell coming from a
row and a vulture circling the house her
room
Fontaine you're a blind black genius
warrant out her room okay read it back
Madame secretary room to rent a
luxurious mansion owned are wealthy
bodybuilders with large packages in the
pants Department if you catch my drift
you do realize we have to pay for this
ad by the word why don't we cut out the
stuff that's not true don't you touch
one hair on that ads head okay okay
oh look that cheerleader doing the
handstand splits us forgot no knickers
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room for rent he has a certain haiku
brevity toodles I'm off to put this in
the paper geez two square feet of body
that still works and I gotta ensure that
do you have a reference from your last
landlord warden rots mule I'll get back
to you faith okay here our choices a
Christian fundamentalist a heavy metal
drama or the head of an international
t*rror1st organization we have to fix
someone if I don't get that hospital
bill paid they're gonna take it out of
me in body parts it's not as if your use
in them you know Riley if it was the
cops fault in the first place
they should be responsible for your bill
yeah yeah why am I the fall guy I'm the
victim here if I weren't so lazy I'd do
something about it
come on you've got a legitimate
complaint take your [ __ ] down to City
Hall I thought you were his [ __ ] I
meant he's problem I might just do that
Spaulding you did it again
hot physical therapist pot
problem-solver pot Love Machine now if
you could only rent out this room
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hi I'm Randy I've come about the room
I don't care why you've come as long as
you're here I'm answering your egg
you're answering my prayers are you
always such a wiseass
you're right let's cut the chitchat and
make some bedroom sheets sane
unfortunately I don't have much money I
hope it'll be enough don't worry if you
can't afford the rent we'll lend it to
you
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why should I be pushed around just
because I'm in a wheelchair we have to
take responsibility for their actions I
demand justice or at least an
under-the-table pay off by making the
rich feel better about themselves
subsidized lawn care tax write-offs for
poodle trims round-the-clock tennis
lessons rah and as for our handicapped
friends let's get rid of handicap
parking that should make them feel more
like us you're taking away handicap
parking will assign those spaces to the
unfortunate wealthy the over classed who
aren't used to walking and as I'm being
elected unopposed
I'll oppose I'm opposed to you you
couldn't get any more opposed then I'm
opposed who are you I'm the guy who
disagrees with everything she has to say
[Applause]
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oh good she's not here yet hello my boy
Oh your birthday's are about to come at
once
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please prefer
something to tell your grandchildren
about at least boys oh I feel so clean
and yet
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Hey
potato head it's me they're not gonna
believe they're not gonna bleep me more
I was here first
what until it asked judge who we're not
going to believe Riley I'm running for
City Council not righteous poppycock
crap in a handbag why Sir Randy is a man
unbelievable
- horse feathers idiots I'm serious
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we're gonna prove that Randy has a
dangling participle all right the other
way oh yeah oh yeah yeah I knew that
you want to appear to the masses biggest
issue today
g*n control yeah yeah you're right we
have to tighten g*n control get a law
that everyone has to carry a piece
that's the only way to protect ourselves
from the maniacs out there give everyone
a g*n anyone caught not carrying a g*n
then we sh**t him Oh perfect solution
it's further children let me see you
never touched me
I don't know
don't forget gay rights I can get 500
blokes right behind you oh do these
pants make my butt look big no Grizz
your butt makes your butt look big me
yeah oh think about it
Morty this race is heating up we need
some big league political tactics yeah I
focus on the issues get out of shake
hell dig up some dirt on that lowlife
next door and drag his crippled ass
through the mud that's my girl I was
afraid you were going soft what this
town really needs is some funding for
the Arts hmm it's fascinating how they
depicted the female form during the
Renaissance apparently they didn't mind
a little cottage cheese on the thighs
who wears her turn-ons and turn-offs can
I have a turn of course Fontaine I
always wondered what was going on in
there
whoa anybody home how's it going
councilman yeah so far I'm committed to
gay rights for blind museum guards
toting big g*ns baby proof huh very
impressive
two feet ten toes very incriminating
whoo-hoo you could be right she does
need a shave
say what Epps how'd those get in there
hey sorry wrong roll blazer stop wasting
my time we're talking about serious
issues here
I need a slogan bite me nah too negative
now all of my policies are spelled out
in that press package you're holding
your opponent says my opponent smoked
marijuana at college big old Jamaican
fatties and there's more is it true Oh
school transcripts forged I can explain
his tax returns for the past five years
filled with inconsistencies you see what
happened was drunk driving shoplifting
petty theft vagrancy
yes yes yes he admitted office and more
I declare bankruptcy eight times I stole
my neighbor's bike when I was 12 his car
when I was 17 and his wife when I was 25
and I fired it in church
that his wife when I was 25 and I farted
in church hey right that's the 10th guy
tonight you gettin to be a real popular
sob it's actually the fifth guy I think
you're hearing double if I knew what a
great scam honesty was I would have told
the truth years ago excuse me boys
I have to go to the little girl's room
that's it Riley here's your proof look
through that hole it goes straight into
the chicks toidy
if it'll shut you up good grief how long
has this been here we put it in about
three years ago sheesh she comes I can
just see she's she's not a man she's an
alien
she's got three legs there's just one in
the middle oh my god ah my little
magnolia stem here comes the good news
now all over the front page Riley roars
to the front his approval rating is 96%
[Music]
so what's so important it's dragged you
away from Riley's campaign it's our new
roommate Randy she's hello Randy you
fellas must enjoy having a feminine
touch around the house we have Spaulding
for that the problem is I am NOT I'm a
woman trapped inside a man's body you
lied to us to me I never said I was
female well technically no but we were
deceived by those puppies fighting under
your sweater what I sneaky think I do
like slithering into the bathroom and
I'm taking a shower
exactly that's completely different oh
my laughs I felt
I've been trapped inside the wrong body
so once I raise the money for surgery
it's bye-bye wee-wee all this fuss over
a dangling piece of skin are you so
shallow that you define yourself by
what's between your legs
of course we're men we have to demystify
the member take away its power over us
repeat after me
hey Johnny one eye you don't own me you
mister trouser trout I'm the boss here
come on boys say it with me now now
you're not being very sensitive to
Randy's dilemma look into your hearts
and let her know how you really feel
thanks for trying daddy but I don't
think they'll ever get it
it's not working Morty he's milking the
wheelchair angle why didn't we think of
that first hmm I wonder if I'd look good
with crutches but they're very slimming
what you need is your own electoral [ __ ]
[Music]
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what a bunch of small man pea-brain
jerks
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hmm I wonder
and send every citizen $1,000 first one
here another scandal for my past a
couple of years ago me and some buddies
snuck into an old folks home with an air
can do no wrong I'm ahead in the polls
anything I say they eat it with a spoon
I think I'll get the Chief of Police to
arrest some people I don't like um how
soon can we vote ourselves a raise no
I'd like to introduce my new
spokesperson for the disabled what Miz
Liz Bromberg has assured me special
funding to face one penis traitor after
all we did for her him whatever yeah
just what was that two hundred three
hundred four hundred five hundred and
just what exactly are you going to do
with this windfall I'm gonna lose it no
don't ever lose money that's not what
I'm planning on losing mm-hmm according
to the latest numbers you and Liz are
neck and neck I was so far ahead if it
hadn't been for and even
with all clout behind you you're a
shoo-in so let's meet your pet [ __ ]
certain moe
Oh Randy nice to meet you ladies in
district 13 it's been close but the
final votes are in and the winner is
Riley Oh Riley
I'm so humiliated
what would you you up let's go buy a
house and evict some people first thing
we have to do is go on a fact-finding
mission to Las Vegas
[Applause]
Riley O'Reilly well the officers who
drove us into the ditch we've got a
warrant for your arrest unpaid taxes
shoplifting vagrancy and the farting in
church incident wait wait you can't I'm
on the City Council sorry the election
has been nullified we're taking you
downtown actually we've got one stop to
make first should be the muster Jay
all in all it really was a rather
exciting experience exciting I was
humiliated in from the entire town spent
30 days in jail and owe $25,000 in fines
I meant for me oh he got no complaint so
either I got the best waitress I ever
had and I got rid of a few unwanted
atoms she certainly did
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