I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the bottle
but then I hit a
[Applause]
a settlement to see me guna strike my
[Music]
[Music]
I gotta go
[Music]
my
[Music]
chick phone in the corner pocket
pound if I'm getting the hang of this
ready for another scotch another I've
been drinking water all night
gross do you have any idea what fish do
in water screwin and pooping it's
disgusting so how long you been sober
now oh geez I have no idea I guess about
six weeks three days 14 minutes and 36
seconds Wow
I haven't been sober that many days in
my life total sea sobriety is just a
crutch for people who can't handle
spandrel Hey it's great to see the world
through eyes I don't crusted shut
besides I enjoy a cold glass of water as
much as a beer right except for the
taste and the effect drinkin makes the
world a better place a drinkin even more
than smoking makes really poor he's
right I do miss it
[Music]
who wants eggnog no egg just know we
could be a little more sensitive Riley's
trying not to drink over the holidays
I'm okay guys I enjoy the other
festivities the true meaning of
Christmas
it's your religious duty to drink at
Christmas if God didn't wants us to why
did he give us livers excuse me
Billy Graham when did you become such an
expert on religion it or not many people
know this but the Virgin Mary big lush
shake it really knock it back somehow I
question the veracity of your
information hey I read about her in that
book yeah
watch it called the Bible hey that's the
one yes that's it you know all that
frankincense and myrrh stuff that was
just different brands of tequila
oh great
the rich guy is that supposed to be some
kind of insult if so I find it rather
wanting blow me much better I just came
by to that's our tree you stole our
Christmas tree how dare you you're right
stealing is wrong just like for example
it was wrong for you to steal my
mobility actually it looks quite nice
there keep it well okay for you owe me
one mrs. Bromberg and I are throwing a
Christmas party for our Goyo friends and
you want us to come how lovely
yes in a cage and pillow guess it's a
petting zoo no you are not invited
I came by with a simple request do not
step out of your house between 8:00 p.m.
and 3:00 a.m. what's in it for us you
could scavenge the leftovers from our
dumpsters good deal well then I'll just
let you get back to your squalid
existence great view of this bald spot
from up here where were we oh yes that's
right I was just getting a buzz Riley
you want stick to your g*ns Riley you
can get through it without a drink
aren't you claim to be Royalty's friend
can't you see he's in pain wallowing in
the depths of sobriety maybe I could
have just one I'm in his Christmas how
could one wittle drinky hurt one leads
to two leads to five leads to a hundred
hey I am an accountant like that
oh come on Frannie I'm just talking
about one drink as a reward for having
given up alcohol but you've done so well
so far you're more alert your memory is
better not to mention your performance
in the bedroom Oh
mention it mention it tell you what
Riley if you can stay clean over the
holidays I'll give you a special
surprise a sexual surprise hmm that's
saying give me a clue does it involve
our genitals fine it's a sexual surprise
can i videotape it you know baby maybe
you should get some support from other
people who share your problem
quadriplegic alcoholics why don't you go
to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I
hate those
is everybody telling their tales of woe
do you ever want to see Miss Kitty again
you're right maybe it'll do some good
can i scratch Miss Kitty's tummy mind
your own business Blazer and get down
from there right now well got you dad
[Applause]
[Music]
that was a touching story Frank you lost
your wife kids job dog mother father
sister brother car clothes house and
your ashtray collection but you turned
it into a successful country song ha
next Riley is that you no I can't do
this
these meetings are for me it needs to be
another way oh come back the rest of you
take a break
[Music]
I gotta go through 12 steps it's not
something easier better
no we're talking my language can you
really help me quit for good in just one
step
hey they don't call me duck DeVito but
not whuzzamatter for you you're gonna
stop drinking a walk you're gonna stop
you stop freak you got that
tell me you quit stop does that look
good to you you cure to whom should I
send the bit so how did the meeting go
pretty well I guess I didn't realize how
tough it would be not to have a drop
over the holidays well you're doing
great
but what if I can't make it I can't
never built a bridge and I can't never
wrote an opera sure cuz it was too busy
drinking and having a good time alright
then let's toast to Reilly's Bay
sobriety excellent I have a fabulously
rare Merlot with an adventurous nose and
a full fruity finish hey sounds like
Spaulding mm guys were trying to stop
him from drinking
oh sorry Riley it's not that good it's
well it's just bought that swill oh I
used to love rut God's will but you guys
go ahead
nobody said it was gonna be easy
lay those reindeer games hope you can
handle the North Pole baby oh oh I can't
believe you [ __ ] your legs from me you
reward for not drinking if I make it
through the week will you shave you
really you know how I feel about shaving
that let's take it one hair at a time
next the arm fits Oh coming down the
tube
I don't want our guests to see those
nasty nauseating neighbors Oh
alliteration I like that is everything
else ready we're all set our Christmas
party will be the most politically
correct event of the year
hey Morty Bromberg celebrating Christmas
ain't a bad start
it's a matzo balls a little kosher
Christmas cake
everybody wins every Jew throws a
Christmas party these days but our party
is going to have one of everything let's
check the list again a Hindu check
Muslim check Buddhist checked finished
nomads Albanian gypsies Australian
Aborigines and a Canadian we have to
invite a Canadian you know who cares
he's a Canadian strike him you'll
probably apologize to us
[Music]
he's right it says good times yeah what
[Applause]
what's going on what's the matter dear
[Music]
I'm losing it I need some air let's go
for a ride I got to get some stuffing
for the turkey anyway yeah you better
stuff it fast before Spaulding takes it
up to his room for a little hoochie
coochie poor baby get some air it'll do
you good
hey what are you doing tasting the
champagne so I'll know if I want to buy
it
have some don't do it Riley do it oh
gods make hero pal giri's get our state
faced and polluted on his lonesome no
I'm strong I'm not going to drink don't
think of it as drinking think of it as
stealing it's a little Christmas cheer
one sip then you'll stop be a man you're
in control
yeah I can't control it
what's the harm of one drink good
now you remember why I drank alcohol
this my friend it's not right to ignore
your friends is everybody in all present
and accounted for backups one James
nobody tells Freddie I slept she be so
disappointed but I think I just proved I
can drink and handle it
got it blazer with blazer you said
everybody was in I did I said that if I
did I think I was wrong did the fresh
air help well sure yeah feel better
except tough lost blazer
[Music]
what a mess all because of one little
drink a little drink you drank a whole
bottle of Australian champagne no less
hey guys wanna watch some TV there's a
new version of A Christmas Carol with
dr. Laura as Scrooge and Gary Coleman as
Tiny Tim sounds great but I got some
last-minute shopping to do
you'll miss Pamela Anderson as the ghost
of Christmas past tape it for me
we'll be back soon Oh miss Gretzky all
alone at sinner I turn right here
[Music]
Oh perfect it's gonna take all night to
cover the city Fontaine you blind guys
have a good sense of smell maybe you can
sniff out blazer
dad heard the try
oh all of his plans way too hot I'll
just stick it out the window to cool it
down
I don't smell nothing keep trying out
out this anvil is burning my hand I'll
stick it out the window
no no keep trying
ouch ouch this anvil pie is scorching
I'll stick it out the window
[Music]
hmm sweet anvil pie just like my mama
used to make
sh**t your stupid miserable mutts hey I
am a human being
Laser laser
excuse me I'm looking for a little head
Wow
you come to the right place oh my you
certainly are friendly in this part of
town hey lady you wouldn't happen to
have seen a head around here huh
no my friends nose is smaller closer but
no moustache now thanks anyway
I'll let you get back to being homeless
I don't think it's going well
nonsense it's going fine do something
make a toast mmm so let's hear it for
the old Savior himself JC we weren't
exactly the Welcome Wagon when you were
here before what can I say oops we goof
better days a bad party I'm committing
social su1c1de
it's gotta be out here somewhere we'd
better find him soon ahead on his own
doesn't stand a chance on these streets
look over there it's Grizz hey guys
hello me hearties maybe's found
something
[Music]
smelt like Russia now where did they go
[Music]
I've lost three friends in the city I
lost my battle with the bottle I let
down my girlfriend I'm a bad quad no you
didn't let Frannie down she knows you're
a worthless good-for-nothing it came
true for your old drinking buddy when it
mattered its I'm proud of you and I'm
buying the first round
nothing for me I'm not drinking this
time I'm saying no at least for now wow
you're so strong it's really obnoxious
mind if I have a short one Hey I don't
tell other people what they can do with
their brain cells good we're friends and
all but you know I'd choose booze over
you any day I understand completely
but you come before aftershave come on
we've got to find our friends and I
gotta make amends hang on if we're gonna
see those clowns again oh you need to be
hammered
[Music]
are you sure you're okay to drive I'm a
sober is it
let me back up
it's my fault
since when is it law you have to have
your light on at night
mmm Grizz is that you you look terrible
you okay
except for the indignity of being
dragged off by a truckload of stray
[ __ ] and a stuttering dog catcher
dirt I didn't know blazer like dogs
needed some cheering up but quit fooling
around it's time to go home give him
something to keep him warm he you'd
better have some brandy
[Music]
I've seen her happier trust me I know
how to handle an angry woman go ahead
tell her about that that kitten we
rescued from the burning village Franny
I fell off the wagon and the truth is no
matter how hard I try I can't be sure it
won't happen again it's okay the point
is you tried and I'm proud of you I'll
be damned he told the truth and she
still ain't mad I gotta try that
sometime look
[Music]
what happened he d*ed of boredom
g-great party got going there Liz I
wouldn't expect you to understand high
society drink come on fellas we gotta go
no don't stay
I mean don't stay you mean stay and save
your party oh I don't know you would
have to ask real nice he is a
traditional Christmas song we used to
sing in Australia
Santa was out Randy old fart I saw him
haha reindeer he rode off didn't get a
turn heat Sun for half a year
I'm gonna stay sober this time I mean it
no thanks to you Grizz watch you should
thank me please your annoy he were just
testing you to see if you could hold out
troy pleasure yeah and you handled
yourself really well except for when you
got sloshed nearly got me run over by a
car then got me hopelessly lost in the
most dangerous part of town they got a
hundred bucks says he won't make it to
New Year's friend I didn't even get you
a gift I got you something
no you saved you Merry Christmas baby
second verse mrs. Paul's like a roll in
the hay she had to have it every day
Wednesday is Christmas duty she'd grab
enough ices and shake her big ole
everybody now
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]