01x04 - My Name is Todd W.

[bunniefuu]

I better

aren't you and always been cool

you

you think when the astronauts landed on

the moon they had to fight off giant

dinosaurs giant ones yeah

what makes you think there were ever

dinosaurs on the moon duh

tell us would they have gotten to earth

um Sanford del Joe oh god what now the

corridor meeting is about to begin

did Todd say so that's me I'm Todd

doesn't ring a bell

you Resident Advisor I helped you move

in uh you asked me if my hair was cotton

candy oh yeah is it again no well why

not

anyway the meeting is starting at a five

minutes ago oh god what kind of example

am i setting who was that guy I don't

know ask that guy welcome to our first

corridor meeting I'd like to go over

some ground rules

I've posted them again because somebody

b*rned down the copy that was on the

bulletin board I order to do one that

says Noll is burning college if you need

to find me just check this board if I'm

in class the happy face will be in the

space Mart

at class you're gonna need to know this

okay if I make my room the happy face

will be here where are you now I'm in

the corridor but please hold your

questions until which box is that

there's no box for that so for all we

know you're not even here right now no

I'm here oh boy I'm way off script at

this point

this is not the proper procedure

hey if I were you I put down that beer

you and me you'd be drunk and why should

I listen to a drunk

I listen to a drunk for 15 years that is

heart exploded this cold black heart

it's my third-grade ballet recital all

over again huh and then the b*ating I

did was some fat kid stepping on my

groin is that why you talk like that

like would never mind listen man the

guys on your floor aren't gonna respect

you if they think you're a geek you

gotta be cool you mean cooler yes much

much cooler if you're busy I could come

back No whitey was just leaving uh if

you'll excuse me I have to council a

resident but there aren't any girls at

your fuller one's gonna be in about five

minutes

they say the clothes make the man so I

need to find a cool t-shirt Olympic

beer-drinking team to competitive make

seven what does that mean

up yours huh Touche shirt I walked right

into that one here's the one for me

if this doesn't make me cool then I

don't know what will

oh using a hot plate to make soup in the

door don't worry guys I'm cool I won't

call the fire marshal huh I don't know

what stings more the rejection of my

residence or the biscuit my eye

it's the bisque are you really the

ultimate party machine no not really

then isn't that like false advertising

or something well I did have a party

once but when I blew out the candles on

my cowboy cake my hair caught fire sweet

you should have another party like that

you know where's that your hair on fire

but my hair is my best feature

okay fine I just thought it would be

cool that's all wait you think it'll be

cool

that I will have a party I gotta go

address the invitations

I knew studying calligraphy wasn't a

waste of time no I only wish my father

had lived to see this day so I could rub

his nose in it

I wish I had money for one of these my

body is craving one it's like in the

wild when a bear craves a monkey but

there aren't any around because it's

molting season what are you talking

about I'm talking about being hungry Joe

something you wouldn't know anything

about rich boy I'm paying my own way

through school

and I got a scholarship my parents

couldn't afford a fancy scholarship I've

had a party in my room here's your

invitation I'm so sick of you people

thinking college is one big party but I

thought parties were cool oh I can't win

they are cool this is too much of an

emotional rollercoaster my lung can't

take it

nothing says cool college party like

finger sandwiches

that's a boy I was right on that one

look at these tiny sandwiches I feel

like a giant

oh my god

Heimlich maneuver Heimlich maneuver Oh

Rosie well I'll put it out with this bum

spray oh my god outstanding party but my

poster really do you think the party's

outstanding are you calling me a liar

I'll k*ll you you Triscuit Wow

I finally lived up to my shirt yeah it's

odd you're a man todd todd todd todd hey

buddy

check out my six-pack beer

my daddy calls a beet juice here catch

it's against the rules to bring alcohol

into the dorm

oh I don't sound like the ultimate party

machine I have one but I've never had a

beer in my life he's not as cool as we

thought this is not outstanding I read

up I never had a beer I didn't like ha

ha ha

Tata Tata Tata Tata this would be R

covered

three days without an accident hmm

that's a new record for barter hi god I

can't believe a drunk just fell out of a

window

the college is turning into Hyannisport

this students RA is going to get the

chair huh

I'm the RA you see this is what happens

when you have to hire based on quotas

damn albino pressure groups until you're

clean and sober you are hereby relieved

of duty ah crap

we'll help anyone Todd are you in there

Todd where the hell is he why don't you

just holler for him hey hey Charlie

Charlie Charlie

get on down get on down hey tardy tardy

hey deke if you don't come around and

after that he ain't around or the

Coyotes called him as much as I enjoy

your backwater capering I need some

toilet paper

it might be wet but it's a darn sight

better than a dried-out corncob looking

ticket next we have a new member of the

group his name is Todd wolf Schmidt

münster knowit's no wonder he drinks I

thought we were supposed to remain

anonymous dammit I always do that oh

okay okay

the meetings are anonymous starting now

hmm dad please stand and tell us about

yourself my name is Todd it I've got it

alcoholic

son the first step to recovery is

admitting that you have a problem

Natalie just told us all what a drunken

she was and now I feel good about

how bad I feel about myself but I've

never had a drink in my life not even a

Shirley Temple but that's maybe because

I don't care for her work I find her tap

technique clumsy you have nothing to be

ashamed of except your cowardice about

facing your problem and your freakish

appearance you won't get your job back

if you don't admit you have a problem

mr. Wolfe Schmidt dammit sorry alright

if it'll make you happy I admit it I'm

an alcoholic okay I'm an alcoholic

bear that wasn't so hard now can I be an

RA again no Todd you have to complete 12

steps of soul searing hell before you

can get that monkey off your back that's

not a monkey it's scoliosis someone

needs a hug

please be careful of the hub how I just

stepped on some broken glass where'd

that come from the bottles you idiots

were throwing against the wall what are

you talking about those bottles didn't

have broken glass in them

besides someone usually vacuums that

stuff up that someone is me but I can't

sign out the vacuum cleaner because that

stupid RA hasn't been answering his door

he's signed on to do a job doesn't he

know the meaning of the word

responsibility don't be mad at him I

don't know the meaning of that word

either I think it's some kind of fish

don't bother looking for the RA he gone

what I'd seen anyone in his room for

three weeks maybe it's haunted

I smell a mystery to solve uh I give up

you mean this rooms vacant as in

available I don't know but somebody told

me it's haunted okay step four

make a complete personal inventory of

how I've heard others not it was rude to

buy low during last week's fire drill

whoa how could something so bad look so

nice

Oh

tell you how calligraphy oh darn it

now I have to start over let's all

congratulate Todd who has successfully

completed this program and to celebrate

dammit I always do that

okay okay no more drinking starting now

so can I get my RA job back right after

next week's graduation ceremony mr.

Wolff Schmitt münster knowit's no less

names dammit I'm sorry I need a drink

this isn't going very well

meetings over

she has the voice of an angel could you

keep it down I'm straddling yesterday's

hangover in today's buzz oh I do believe

I have a touch of the vapors so um my

name's Todd are you in rehab - nah I

just put away that shares at the end of

the meeting for beer money

you're in my way oh sorry here let me do

that for you

suit yourself hey where'd you go she

left already

uh-huh how will I ever know how to find

her again

she'll be here every week but you won't

after you graduate I don't want you

hanging around being a bad influence on

the others lousy drunk I called you all

here because our corridor is falling

apart and that's why I think we need to

elect a new RA

yeah that definitely yo

Oh someone who can keep the floor clean

council residents and be their friend

Joe will you shut the hell up and I

think that describes me therefore I'd

like to nominate myself you'd make an

outstanding RA Thank You Saladin

don't patronize me Triscuit so if there

are no other nominations I'll just say

food I love that mr. Sanford say it is a

great day when one of us graduates and

moves on from our group particularly

when that person is as annoying as Todd

Todd what are you is that my hat you

reek of liquor

I drank several wine coolers several

although I did mix it with some grape

soda to take a little of the edge off

what did I tell you Natalie freak boy

fell off the wagon mm-hmm

and you owe me a 12-pack now let's close

with our prayer dear God why are we such

losers amen

okay out you go hey Matt cool you

remembered my name had a tee at it I'm

gonna put those chairs away twice as

fast now come here there's something I

want to do first closer

relationships are about sharing

hey Joe

you should check out my new room it's

huge want to see it no oh okay so what

can I do for you do you need some advice

about your love life oh please I don't

need anything from you can I have the

vacuum cleaner well you got to sign it

out fine okay you got a pen and paper

and a vacuum cleaner what happened to

the vacuum what didn't happen to it Todd

may have been an ineffectual boob but at

least he cleaned up

he fluffed people's towels he changed

the lightbulbs and he threw away the

glue traps when they had mice on them

there are glue traps here I'm gonna

check that out hmm you have the most

beautiful hair don't let me get puke in

it I have a date tonight

yeah that's disgusting if I were RA I

would have had this place cleaned up and

organized by now that's the difference

between you and me I know hey don't

blame me I voted for you didn't you hear

me I was chanting your name go whoo it

looks like there's a leak out there

someone should report that to someone

hey Sydney I'm almost done doing your

job can I Drive you home tonight I'd be

great pick me up outside Andy's puppet -

if I'm not there check the dumpster or

the Indian casino

you have such a wonderful sense of humor

which further proves to me that this is

the right thing to do ow and that was

the plastic knee the one that was

supposed to last a hundred years anywho

you marry me I could never marry you

you're an alcoholic oh I'm not an

alcoholic

all right you're really ugly that I

could accept sorry dad do you remember

my name

this party is bittersweet my physical

pain is surpassed only by my emotional

pain no I was wrong about that - out out

out out out

oh-oh-oh the fires going out hey those

are my medical books well if we don't

keep the fire going the dogs will come

back this has gone on long enough

I'm taking over this floor you're out

you hear me yeah you're out standing but

seriously you did a really bad job you

stupid Triscuit no problem it was too

much work for me anyway stop arguing

it's done now we just need to find a new

RA

and because there is clearly no more

qualified candidate than myself and you

take your damn hands off of that mob

it's hot Todd's back you can't come back

now I'm the RA

I finally got my single room being an RA

is my lady I knew what steals my lady

without a fight

wait that's the ladle you use to scoop

crap out of the urinal that's right hot

sh*t fine the room in the ladle are

yours oh shut up all of you

aren't you gonna clean this place up

yeah it smells like a cesspool no it

smells like home

I'll never leave you again hey piggy

piggy piggy Hey

get out now there piggy