01x01 - College Material

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

and all this been

[Music]

[Music]

you know Ethel Waters Bill's got just

the peace and quiet George and I were

looking for and the students are so

well-behaved

it's August the students aren't here yet

Wow

[Music]

welcomes to take a look around mr.

buckles this is our new home wake up mr.

buckles were a year didn't you poke

holes in the lid so mr. buckles could

breathe quiet you're scaring mr. buckles

[Music]

so have you given any thought to what

you want to do with your life son

duh you've heard my rhymes I'm gonna be

a rapper it's my only ticket out of the

suburbs

yo yo yo show business is a tough

business you know for every superstar al

it's a big like Billy ocean there's

probably dozens who don't make it I

already went to a border I'll call you

pants boy how come Cindy didn't come

with us

you sister's a junior now I guess it's

just not cool to show up with your

parents Cindy oh my god you look so

great how was your summer it was

wonderful I quit drinking and it changed

like my whole self image what I

discovered is self-respect that's

awesome let's drink to being back at

school

her baby

and here's a computer to help you grind

the academic competition into a bloody

pulp I bought you some of those rainbow

pencils with the fuzzy tabs just like

you like I don't know about this what if

I'm not smart enough to be here

is that our room I bet you can see the

whole parking lot from up there hey did

you remember to pack an ass hurt

what's an ass for booing and with this

handsome globe we bought you you won't

be able to help but get straight A's I'm

gonna try real hard hey

there really is a country called Poland

oh that's fun a globe that's just gonna

clutter up the place we can put it in

that corner that's where I was gonna put

this pile on I found boys shouldn't you

wait for your other roommate before you

make these decisions uh Sanford Adele

your third roommate Cal the wonder you

talked to over the summer he d*ed last

week in a freak accident whoa dude that

guy honey it's not like we're never

gonna see him again I know but it's the

next best thing

this place is style no doubt dude we're

in like college or something I could

like throw mayonnaise all over the place

if I wanted to I could wear this

sombrero everywhere if I wanted I could

eat this light bulb I could launch this

bag of trash out the window dude that's

my stop what the hell

jackasses for the first time there's no

one around to ruin our fun

hey we didn't order that pizza hey we

didn't order that

um box I'm supposed to live here

those incompetent screwed up my room

assignment I was supposed to get a

single I'm Joe cow and he knows what we

did last summer that's my exact replica

of the human skeleton if you haven't

figured it out yet I'm going to medical

school

fourth Pedic Surgeons start at about 400

grand that's it you should be an ass

doctor they make a lot of money because

they got to touch people's asses Oh God

[Music]

congratulations on your admission to

barter College I trust you're all ready

to meet the high academic standards of

such a fine Ivy League institution this

isn't an Ivy League school yes it is

it's an Ivy League school without all

the bull crap so what if they don't want

me to be in this stupid Club can we be

any more immature I don't need that kind

of validation I Drive a Lincoln Town Car

you know what the best thing about

college is finally getting away from

that crazy girl who stalked me all

through high school

Hidell felicity

I didn't feel right the way we left

things in high school so I followed you

to college now I go to barter too

[Music]

you're not supposed to be in the boys

bathroom or within a hundred yards of me

oh okay well I'll see you around then

why did I follow into college was stupid

stupid Felicity maybe they'll learn if I

pull out so it's a beautiful hair do you

mind

I'm trying to read me too I can't

concentrate without noise

[Applause]

hey what are you doing

enjoy your time in college because it's

not gonna last

dude do you wonder if we're gonna like

make it here the way I look at it as

long as they let you be a student here

I've got nothing to worry about

yeah I guess that's a good way to look

at it

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

I don't know what I was so nervous about

I'm gonna do just fine here he didn't

expect to see us I put the cr*ck of dawn

getting ready for the first day of

classes did you for your information the

semester started three weeks ago Joe is

right we got dropped from all our

classes no we didn't we still got this

one and we're right on time

oh man it's over hey look there's that

guy from our room let me ask you a

question

two hours ago when I said I was leaving

for biology class where did you think I

was going oh what was the first choice

again don't listen to him just follow my

lead

nice speech today mr. professor really

hilarious stuff my name is Sanford Riley

my friend del Swanson and I are both

deaf we were concerned that perhaps you

called our names for attendance these

past several weeks but didn't hear you

because we are deaf I dropped you both

last week what I'm sorry I can't hear

you because we are deaf but mr.

professor if you drop as well flunk out

you've got to give us another chance

what it's not our fault we couldn't find

the classroom and then I dropped my fork

man Joe yelled at me and then I realized

I'm never gonna see the back of my head

alright fine I'll allow you to take

Friday's exam but you fail and you too

were on the next bus back to

Palookaville actually we're from Canton

I thought you were deaf who said that

I've got a problem you have to get me

out of that room room 305

no the bathroom oh dear did somebody BM

in the urinal again this is perhaps the

part of the job I enjoy Lee's listen you

little albino freak I don't belong here

barter was my safety school how was I

supposed to know Harvard had enough

white males well we could fill up the

room a transfer form with all the proper

signatures it should only take about 12

weeks 12 weeks the semester will be over

by then

what a thin mint I bought a whole box

but it turns out they're too thick for

my esophagus it makes each one a little

death cookie oh man are we gonna pass

this biology test we've never been to

the class we don't even have the book

and neither of us have seen the movie

maybe we can ask Jo for help he's smart

and unless I've horribly misjudged him

he's our best friend all right ask him

you ask him

no you ask him you ask him I'm not gonna

help you help me or him him right you're

two flunking out is the best thing that

could happen to me I'd get this room to

myself really I think the best thing

that could happen to you is getting

laser surgery cuz you've got such pretty

eyes now we're gonna flunk out and my

mom's gonna be disappointed in me this

is just like high school when I except I

didn't flunk out and I didn't have any

pubes oh man there wasn't a guy across

the hall mowing his carpet how could

they let a guy like that stay in college

and not us

Oh time this dang thing are you in that

biology class yeah that tasted going to

be a though wait it

well I'll see you fellas around he must

be some sort of rocket surgeon or one of

those idiot guys that can count real

good

like everybody loves Rain Man I think we

just found our new best friend

[Music]

that's how my mom d*ed

classic hey after dinner what do you say

we go over the review sheet okay how

about number five explain the different

functions of xylem and phloem then how'd

you get an A on that quiz he just gave

me that cuz I was on the baseball team

oh no any this Marquis you mean we just

wasted a whole week hanging out with you

it wasn't a total waste

we still got these macrame doilies hi

I'm some of this my dad always told me

if you're drinking up the tax will go

away

I had a man's touch will be as tender as

a woman's we got a test tomorrow we're

gonna flunk out of school that's it

relax it's not the end of the world

that's not oh no could be the best thing

that ever happened to you I used to pay

$2,000 a year to come to this school way

back when then I flunked out now they

paid me $2,000 a year to come here hey

little brother

there's no food at my place can I borrow

your meal card I already used mine

tonight take jobs what are you doing

here I thought I k*lled you that's Joe's

medical skeleton Sanford Paul's at mr.

Boehner and then he says get it you get

it oh I see

so how's College treatin you huh it's

harder than I thought I wouldn't worry I

got to be a real dolt to flunk out of

this school

Oh God screwed I don't want to be

a dolt what are we gonna do I guess we

could try to read the chapters you

always want to take the easy way out

don't you

[Music]

lucky bombs never have to take tests

what do they know about hardship what

are you doing

[Music]

dude look at those two dogs oh my God

look at that that's disgusting

[Music]

get a room dear God I know I don't

deserve your help but if you could

possibly find some way for me to cheat

on that test tomorrow I'll forget about

that $10 you owe me yeah I just happened

to be outside the window the last 72

hours and thought I'd stop by step'

biology um yeah I have a test so I

should probably get back to studying I

aced ap biology last year that could

help you really you could come over and

I'll tutor you in my room while we sit

on my bed between my embroidered del

pillows and look at my computer program

that morphs our images and shows what

our child would look like I've already

named him dallisa tea or fell like on

second thought I better just start to

close this door as you struggle to keep

it open

vomited three times for you today

[Music]

all right let's hand them in so I can

get home to my owl you're on a roll son

oh there's a right answer

[Music]

well almost forgot we roll out the

welcome mat for you and the next thing

you know it's good riddens and after we

spent so much time building that loft ah

what's the use I don't belong here I

don't belong anywhere I may as well just

run off and join the Olympics I can't

seem to do anything right

those are Joe's clothes that was the

window say how'd you fellas do on that

test ah bad huh join the club

I think I got the lowest score in the

class wanted back what'd you get oh hell

42

at least you passed I got a 15 what do

you mean passed our biology professor

grades on a curve he explained it all

the first day weren't you there we can't

be everywhere at once the lowest grade

of the class gets the if you guys got at

least a dee dee I mean do you know what

that means

yeah really big boobs dude your mom has

DS and they're sweet you know what else

it means we passed

what are my clothes doing down on them

what the don't you know that thing costs

over $2,000 that thing has a name mr.

Boehner get it this is college they

don't tolerate brain-dead morons like

you at this level of education

[Music]

I think they do

[Music]