02x22 - Welcome to the Campaign

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dave.

What's going on? Oh, hey, Calvin.

Just picking up my new lawn signs for the campaign.

What do you think? I think you're gonna look great with a blacked out tooth and the word "dork" across your forehead.

Yeah, I didn't think about the kids vandalizing my signs.

Who said anything about kids? So you're really gonna go through with this? Hell, yeah.

Look, we need stronger schools, safer parks, and when it comes to our city government, - we need to have an open dialogue.

- Well, great.

You open that one, and I'll close this one.

I'm serious, Calvin.

We need strong representation, and we haven't been getting it from Isaiah Evans.

Look, Isaiah has been our councilman for a long time.

People love him.

He led the march on Washington.

You mean with Martin Luther King? No.

The march on Washington Boulevard.

We wanted that Chipotle, and he got it for us.

Okay, but that was a long time ago, and he hasn't done anything since.

Calvin, don't you want someone who's gonna roll up his sleeves and make an impact on this community? Nope.

I don't like government telling me what to do.

I got Tina for that.

Hi, this is Dave Johnson.

I'm running for city council, and I'm calling to ask for your support.

Yeah, I'm the white guy.

Well, yes, Dave is the one who got the speed bump put in on Evergreen.

Oh, you hit it too hard and messed up your alignment? Well, take it on down to Calvin's Pit Stop and vote for Dave Johnson.

Grover, you are licking too slow.

You are dabbing when you should be sliding.

Here, let me show you.

Ah Aah! Paper cut! Now you're bleeding when you should be dabbing.

So, I was thinking of inviting the women from the neighborhood for an elegant ladies' afternoon.

You know, put out the good china, serve some tea and scones.

Tea and scones? Is Dave going to be a councilman or a Disney princess? I'm just trying to help him.

Most of the neighborhood just knows him as the jogger in short shorts who's terrified of squirrels.

Hey, hey.

Ooh, well, well, well.

Look who showed up to volunteer.

So, Calvin, you finally ready to ride the Dave wave? No.

Tina told me there was a deli tray.

Forget the Dave wave.

I'm ready to jump on the ham tram.

You know, I don't get it.

Why won't you support me? I supported you when Old Miss Kim accused you of stealing her garden gnome.

That's because I didn't do it.

I was just the lookout.

I'm serious, Calvin.

You know, people around here really look up to you, and your endorsement could help my campaign.

And I'd give it to you, Dave, except for one small problem.

This deli tray has a better chance of winning than you do.

Ooh, spicy mustard.

I wouldn't underestimate my husband.

Back in Kalamazoo, he got them to shut down the strip club next to the school.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, I was so proud.

Even though it put half my cousins out of work.

This isn't Kalamazoo.

This neighborhood is 80% black, and Dave is 100% white.

110% when he wears his Crocs.

You know, so what if I'm white? This community will vote for the best person for the job.

That's what I believe.

And I believe I'm gonna take my sandwich to go.

All aboard the ham tram! Toot, toot! Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, I am.

You know, I had my doubts at first, but spicy mustard was the way to go.

I'm talking about Dave.

We're all over there supporting him.

- Why won't you? - Because I don't want him to look like the white guy who thinks he knows better, swooping in to fix all the black folks' problems.

If I wanted a white savior, I'd watch Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side.

Calvin, you love that movie.

I don't love that movie.

I just said, "Don't change the channel.

" Okay, you're right.

Some people may think Dave is that way.

But that's not who he is, and you know that.

That's because I'm an evolved man, Tina.

You can't expect the rest of the neighborhood to be as open-minded as me.

Open-minded? Seriously? You refuse to watch a movie If I wanted to read, I'd get an audiobook.

All I know is Dave cares about this community.

Councilman Evans has been coasting for years.

All he ever does is brag about the time he met Eddie Murphy.

Tina, but you got to admit, that's a great story right there.

I mean, the same car wash on the same day? That's destiny.

Okay, fine.

Do what you want, but I'm supporting our friend.

So am I.

I'm protecting him.

I don't want to see anybody att*ck or ridicule him.

You ridicule him all the time.

But I do it from a place of love.

What? I love doing it.

Calvin, I can't tell you how much it means to have your endorsement.

Oh, I'm not endorsing you.

I just brought you to the barbershop to show you what the people around here think about you running.

Plus, I can't wait till the fellas hear how you shut down the strip club.

Well, you'll see.

I'm gonna get plenty of support.

After all, you know, I'm down with Que and the guys.

I just brought a squash casserole over to the shop last week.

Dave, there's nothing down about a squash casserole.

There will be once they get their cholesterol checked.

Hey, shop.

- What's up, man? - Hey, Calvin.

- Hey, Calvin.

- Hey, Dave.

- What's up, Dave? - Yo, Dave.

Did you get that thank you note I sent you for the casserole? You hear that, Calvin? He loved it.

And the serving dish it came in was great, too.

I sold it for ten bucks.

Cool.

Cool.

Got that in Peru.

Uh, so, you guys might've heard that I'm running for city council.

Yeah, we heard.

I saw one of your signs.

I thought it was hilarious.

They drew eye patch, horns, and I don't want to say what you had in your mouth.

Why are you looking at me? I just did the eye patch and the horns.

O-Okay.

I-I'm starting to get the vibe that, uh, some of you might be skeptical.

But, you know, I've got some really great ideas about the neighborhood that I think might change your minds.

Uh, I got a question.

Great.

Fire away.

Was that an Old Bay seasoning you used in that casserole, or was it Lawry's? Any other questions? Oh, yeah.

That are not about the casserole.

Oh.

Hey, good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Oh, oh, oh! - Hey.

- Councilman.

- Hey.

I just wanted to drop in and say hi to some of my finest constituents.

And Trey.

You always got jokes, Councilman.

Yeah, and you always got a court date.

You got him.

Come on.

Wow, so that's Councilman Evans, huh? He's really charming.

Yeah, and wait till you feel his handshake.

It's smoother than margarine melting on a hot roll.

Calvin Butler.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

How’s that beautiful Tina? Well, she's married to me, so she's blessed.

Yeah.

Uh, Councilman.

I'm Dave Johnson.

Dave Johnson.

The competition.

It is great to finally meet you.

It is good to meet you, too.

Oh, my God, it's like a buttery hug.

I've been doing my homework on you, and it looks like you are ready to run a good race.

Probably in short shorts.

Well, you know, Councilman, now that you're here, uh, - I have a question for you.

- Go right ahead.

Well, I'm just curious on how you plan on approaching the shortage of school teachers that our district is currently facing.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Dave, that is a very important issue, and I'm glad you brought that up.

Our teacher shortage - is a real challenge.

- Yeah.

- Right on.

- Yes, sir.

It is a challenge that we shall meet together as a community.

- All right.

- All right.

And speaking of meeting, did y'all hear my story about how I met Eddie Murphy? Let Dave in here.

He ain't heard it yet.

Come on.

- I was getting my car washed.

- Okay.

- He was getting his car washed.

- No! I look over at him.

- He looks back at me.

- What? He said For real! He Just like in the movies! He laughs like in the movies! I can't believe it.

Councilman Evans totally dodged my question.

But can you believe that him and Eddie Murphy both use cinnamon air freshener? Wow.

No.

Not wow.

If anything deserves a "wow," it's my five-point plan.

Each point has five points of its own.

It's a 25-point plan.

That's 25 wows.

Look, Dave, the bottom line is to half of the people, you're the white guy who’s new in town.

To the other half, you're the new guy who's white.

Hey.

Yo, Dave, you got some explaining to do, man.

What are you talking about? Isaiah posted a picture of you online, standing next to a Confederate flag.

- What? - Well, that's crazy.

I would never Oh.

Yeah, that's me.

You better start explaining why you're in a picture posing next to a cake with a Confederate flag on it.

Calvin, you don't understand.

Look, that picture was from my tenth birthday party.

Well, what'd you do when you turned 11, go to a Klan rally? Isaiah cropped the picture.

Look, the theme of the party was The Dukes of Hazzard.

That flag is on their car.

I had no idea what it meant.

I'll tell you what it means now.

You can forget about being on the city council.

In fact, I wouldn't even get on a city bus.

This is a disaster.

I'm gonna go talk to Gemma.

Why didn't I have an A-Teamparty? Everybody loves Mr.

T.

Aw, man, I can't believe this.

I called it.

I knew this would happen.

What? You knew Isaiah would find a 25-year-old picture of Dave blowing out the candles on a Confederate flag cake? Yeah.

I just didn't say it out loud.

Well, we got to help him clear his name.

How? His name is on the cake.

Dad, Dave is your friend.

You know he's not r*cist.

I know that.

But what am I supposed to do? Everyone who's seen that picture already thinks he is.

Which is exactly why we need to help him.

Because nobody knows better than black people how painful it is to be labeled as something that you're not.

Right, Pop? Damn it, Malcolm.

Now I got to do the right thing.

And that's on you.

I can't believe Isaiah would do this.

His handshake isn’t like a buttery hug.

It's like a Damn it! It is like a buttery hug! Well, two can play at this game.

I'm gonna dig up some dirt on Isaiah - and see how he likes it.

- What dirt? Like how he never does anything or is cheating on his wife or how he embezzled millions of dollars from the city.

You found that online? No, I'm putting it there.

Gemma, we are not gonna stoop to his level.

Look, we just have to face facts.

I'm done.

Don't talk like that.

You have never backed down from a fight in your life.

Not even when my stripper cousins jumped you at Nana's birthday.

Yeah, that was no joke.

Bambi threw glitter right in my eyes.

Hey, Gemma.

Hey, Dave.

Are you here to say "I told you so"? I wasn't.

But now that you mention it, it does feel right, doesn't it? Well, don't bother.

I think it's pretty obvious that I have to drop out of the race.

Oh, Calvin, please talk some sense into him.

I'll be upstairs.

You're not gonna go post lies about Isaiah, are you? Well, not anymore.

So what do you want? Look, I know I told you that you shouldn't run, but I don't want to see you go down like this.

If Isaiah's willing to stoop this low, then, clearly, we need some change around here.

Which is why you have my vote.

Unless that line is too long.

Yeah.

So you're gonna help me? Yes.

But, first, we need to find out if Isaiah has any more dirt on you.

Like, for Halloween, did you ever go as a pointy-headed ghost? Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the Dave Johnson for City Council campaign Oh, well, let me tell you something about yo mama Hello? Okay.

So far, that’s three "yo mamas" five "go to hells," - and one "I better not see your ass at Chipotle.

" Everyone is so mad at us.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

And I'm really gonna miss Chipotle.

Look, I know this is bad right now, but you can get through this.

You're tough.

I'm not so sure.

Well, I am, okay? You moved your family into this neighborhood, and you didn't take mess from anybody.

I guess.

And you're a principal at a private school.

You have to deal with snotty, spoiled brats all day.

And their kids, too.

Half the time, I can't even tell if the moms are mad at me 'cause of all the Botox.

Trust me, girl.

You got this.

- Maybe you're right.

- Mm.

I am kind of a badass B-word.

Mm.

Damn straight! Mm! You are the second strongest woman I know.

Who's the first? Me, B-word! Okay, Dave, you sure you're ready for this? It's gonna get kind of rough in there.

No problem.

I'm just gonna start by telling them that there's no way that I'm r*cist because my best friend is black.

As your black best friend, never say you have a black best friend.

Okay.

All right.

Well, then I'm just gonna go in there and tell them that these false accusations have got Have got me straight trippin'.

I take it back.

I'm not your black best friend.

Okay, so Well, what am I supposed to do? Look, just go in there and show them who you really are.

I'll have your back.

Okay.

I'm just gonna go in there and I'm gonna and I'm gonna clap back at my haters.

I never should've shown him Black Twitter.

Hey, guys! Hey, guys.

What are you doing here? Yeah.

And if you got a casserole, you drop it off and you leave.

Okay, obviously, everyone here has seen the picture.

But I swear, you guys, it is not what it looks like.

Please.

I've used that line before, and it was always what it looked like.

All right.

Okay, hold on, everybody.

Come on.

Give the man a chance.

A chance to what, say he's got a black best friend? Thank God you talked to me outside.

Okay, listen up.

Now, I know what everybody in here is thinking about Dave.

But I've known this man for two years, and I can tell you this for sure There is not a r*cist bone in his pasty little white body.

But what about the picture? Look, he was a dumb kid who watched a dumb TV show.

That doesn't mean - that he was - Wait, wait.

Is that from The Dukes of Hazzard? I used to love that show! Yeah.

It had that cool theme song.

Just the good ol' boys Oh, wait.

See? You all watched that show.

Which means that Dave didn’t do anything wrong.

That's right.

This was just Isaiah trying to smear my name so that he could win the election.

I can't believe Isaiah would stoop that low.

Exactly.

And you all saw him dodge Dave’s question.

That's because he doesn't have answers.

But Dave does.

He has a 25-point plan that, trust me, you do not want to hear.

But I-if you want to read it, I have a pamphlet right here that has all Look, my point is is that Dave Johnson is gonna fight for us.

He's gonna make our schools stronger and our parks safer, and he's gonna listen to the needs of this community.

And that's why he has Calvin Butler's support.

Now, come on.

Can he count on yours? Hey, tha-thank you, guys.

And thanks, Calvin.

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

Well, when you're elected, you can fix my parking tickets.

I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.

Should I pretend to say it again? And, you know, guys, uh, just so you know, Isaiah Evans isn't the only one who has rubbed elbows with a famous person.

Oh, yeah? Who'd you meet? Well, a little celebrity chef named - Paula Deen.

- Uh-oh.

Come on.

We got to go.

We got to go.

Well, where do you think I got the recipe for the casserole? So, you ready for your lesson? Yep.

Time to make my handshake smoother than Isaiah's.

You know you don't actually clap in a clapback? Well, then, what have I been doing? I have no idea.

Look, now, remember, when it comes to shaking a man's hand, you want to be confident and comforting, like a warm sock, fresh from the dryer, slipping onto his foot.

Check this out.

Hi.

Calvin Butler.

Nice to meet you.

Wow.

I actually believe you meant that.

Yeah.

Councilman Evans.

What are you doing here? I just came by to say good luck on the campaign.

Oh, after that photo, I could've sworn you were gonna drop out.

Well, not a chance.

It's gonna take a lot more than that to scare me away.

Okay.

May the best man win.

Damn.