01x03 - Doug's Dog's Date/Doug's Big Nose

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[barking]

[barking]

Woah.

[woman]
Well, hello,
cowboy hat.

[Doug]
As long as I can remember,

me and Porkchop have been
as close as two peas in a pod.

Best friends.

Pals.

Always there
for each other.

That is, until now.

♪ Oh my doggone dog's
done doggone gone ♪♪

Hey, Funnie,
are you in pain?

Sounds like you're howling
at the moon.

Hi, Roger.

Speaking of howling,
where's Bonehead, your dog?

You mean Porkchop.

He's not
here now.

He's gone.

Gone?

Deserted by
your own dog?

What a loser!

♪ Oh, my doggone dog... ♪

Sometimes Roger
can be such a pain,

but in this case,
he was right.

[barking]

That's me!

Hey!

It all started when
a couple of days ago,

I began to notice Porkchop
acting weird.

But it wasn't until yesterday
that I really started to worry.

Look, Porkchop!

It's the Mr. Swirly
truck!

Porkchop,
it's Mr. Swirly,

the Peanutty Buddy man!

Here, Porkchop, your
very favorite.

This was serious.

Porkchop didn't
want a Peanutty Buddy.

Then I was sure of it.
Porkchop was sick.

Big time.

The first historic boy
to dog transfusion

is a resounding success.

Well, son,
how do you feel?

[barking]

I ought check
your dog.

Nurse, help
me get him up.

Doug, you're the best friend
a dog could have.

Here's a Doggy Delight.

Success!

The answer was clear.

I had to take Porkchop
to the vet right away.

So what is it,
Dr. Dorsal?

What's wrong
with my dog?

Well, as far as I can tell,
Doug, everything's ship shape.

Strong heart, thick
fur, wet nose.

But he won't eat and he
can't sleep and he acts weird.

Hmm, then I'm going to need
more information.

I'll tell
you what, Doug,

why don't you keep tabs on
Porkchop for a few days?

Watch him closely.

Follow him
around.

You know, be kind of,
mmm, a detective.

A detective?

Hmm.

This is the city.

Bluffington--
Pride of the tri-county area.

When somebody needs their dog
tailed, they come to me.

My name's Funnie.

I tail dogs.

: a.m.

Trailed Porkchop
all morning.

Listened to
sappy music, mopes a lot.

Refused to chase a car.

Tailing my dog was
becoming an obsession.

Nothing was going to keep me
from getting to the bottom

of this.

That is, until
she came on the scene.

Patti!

Hey, Doug!

Come play beet ball
with us!

[Patti]
Come on!Huh?

I need one more
on my side.

I'll teach
you how to play.

Well, I guess
I could.

Oh no!

Something wrong?

I, uh, I have to
take a raincheck.

There I was, with
the chance of a lifetime,

and it's blown because
of a sick dog.

I've got to figure
out what's wrong with him.

Hey!

[shouting]

Porkchop.

[howling]

Now what?

Well, hello
there, Douglas.

Mr. Dink, I think
you're beeping.

Stand back, Doug,
I think he's gonna blow.

Oh, nonsense,
Tippy.

Time to
check my stats.

Pulse rate .

Stress rate ..
Sweat rate, %.

It's great to be
in shape!

So what brings you to
this neck of the neighborhood?

Oh, I followed
Porkchop here.

I think
he's sick.

Sick?

Well, I'll be.

Your little dog
isn't sick.

At least he's
not sick sick.

He's come down with a bad
case of love sickness.

Or in this case,
puppy love.

Puppy love?

Ooh, sounds like he's making
a date, the little dickens.

Well, so
long, Douglas.

I gotta get home and
carbo-load.

It's part
of my training.

It's his favorite part.

Mr. Dink, wait.

[Mr. Dink]
Yes, Douglas?

What should I do
about Porkchop?

Do?

Oh, do what any
best friend would do.

Like I always say, if
you go with the flow,

you'll always come
out in the wash.

What could I do?

After all,
Porkchop was my best friend.

So I decided to help.

Musky man aftershave.

Here, try this.

[whimpering]

Now remember,
home by .

Don't do all the barking and
well, well, have a good time.

Well, it's o'clock
and here I am, dogless.

Yep, all alone.

But hey, no problem.

There's lots of fun things
a guy can do by himself.

Hey, this
is gonna be okay.

Let's see...
What should I do first?

I know.

I'll play
barnyard chess.

Porkchop and I love to
play barnyard chess.

[whistling]

This is boring.

It's not much of a
game without a partner.

Well, at least some time
must have passed.

Boy, the time really
flies when you're having fun.

Okay, I think I'll
draw now.

♪♪

Boy, I guess
I really miss Porkchop.

I can't wait till
he comes home.

Little did I know, this dating
thing was just beginning.

Are you sure
you want to go?

The radio says nasty
weather tonight.

Maybe you
should stay home.

[TV chatter]

It was almost my bedtime
and Porkchop still wasn't back.

I think it's time for me
to start worrying.

Mom... Dad...
Can I come in?

[Theda]
Certainly, dear.

Mom, Dad.

I'm worried
about Porkchop.

He still hasn't come
back from his date.

[Phil]
Good for you,
son.

I like a boy who
worries about his dog.

It shows maturity.

But son, be careful.

Worrying can cause little
wrinkles in your forehead.

Besides, I'm sure
Porkchop's fine.

[thunder crashing]

♪♪

[barking turns to squealing]

I don't know.

May I be excused?
Why, sure, son.

Porkchop!

Porkchop,
where are you?

Porkchop, you're
all right!

You're home!

Do you have any idea
how worried I've been?

I'm getting little wrinkles
in my forehead.

Porkchop, are
you listening to me?

I hate to do this, but
sooner or later,

you're going to
have to make a choice.

It's her or me.

I guess
he's choosing me.

The next morning, I thought,
maybe I was

a little hard on Porkchop.

[doorbell ringing]

Porkchop... How'd you like
a Doggy Delight?

Porkchop?

[Echoing]
Where is he?

He never leaves before
breakfast.

Hey, Funnie, got
yourself a little snack there?

Oh, it's
for Porkchop.

Not anymore.

I think you'll be chomping
on those Doggy Delights

by yourself, pal.

We just saw Porkchop walking
that a way-- with a suitcase!

What--
A suitcase?

That means...

Skeeter, Porkchop
was my best friend.

Non-human, that is.

Now he's left
me forever.

Maybe you should
get another pet.

Another pet?

Yeah, think
about it.

Come on, boy.

Fetch!

Come on, boy!

Come on.

[squealing]

Okay, okay,
never mind.

Go ahead, it's
your move.

[Patti]
Heads up!

Skeeter,
excuse me.

But our game!

I'll be
right back.

Here comes Doug.Don't move.

I got it, I got it!

Hi, Patti.

Boy, Patti, thanks for teaching
me how to play beet ball.

Yeah, it's
a great game.

Maybe next time, you
should bring Skeeter.

Skeeter?

Oh no!
Hi, Skeeter.

Man, I'm glad
you're back.

I was
getting a cramp.

I'm really sorry,
Skeeter.

I totally
forgot about the time.

I guess she has that
affect on me.

No problem, man.

I know Patti
makes you crazy.

Beet salad has the same
effect on me.

So we're
still friends?

Of course!

[honking]

I knew you'd
come back.

Hey, man, I knew you
wouldn't leave me hanging.

Hey, Skeeter, you know
the way I came back?

Maybe Porkchop...
I better go home!

Come on, Porkchop
might be waiting for me!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Before we go.

Checkmate, man.
[whimpering]

There he is!

I'm so glad
you're back.

I knew you wouldn't
leave me hanging.

[gasping]

She dumped you.

I'm sorry,
Porkchop.

I'm still your best friend
and I won't leave you hanging.

So for the three of us,
everything was back to normal.

Best friends have
to stick together

through thick
or thin, right, guys?

[barking]

Skeeter?

Skeeter?
Huh?

Don't move, I'll
be right back, guys.

[honking]

But, Skeeter, I
thought we decided to...

Oh, well.

He'll be back.

Sooner or later,
he'll be back.

[Doug]
Dear Journal,
hi, it's me, Doug.

You know, I never thought
getting my picture taken

was a big deal until I had to
get it taken for Photo Swap Day.

It all started when...

[Lamar]
Attention all teachers
and pupils.

This is Lamar Bone,
assistant principal.

I'm sure you pupils will be
pleased to know that tomorrow,

you will have your pictures
taken for Photo Swap Day.

[cheering]

That is all.

[bell ringing]

[boy]
See you later.

So, Skeeter, what's this Photo
Swap Day thing anyway?

Well, tomorrow,
everybody gets dressed up

to have their picture taken,

so next week, we get to swap
autographed photos

with each other.

Last year, I
traded with everybody,

except Patti Mayonnaise.

She ran out.

Yeah.

I bet she's
really popular.

I'm sorry, boys.

This year, all my photos
are going to Doug.

Here, Doug.

Now you'll have one
for each day of the year!

[Skeeter]
Hey, Doug, can
you hang?

I've got to pick up my baby
brother from Ding Dong Day Care.

Hello, Skeeter.

Little Dale said the word
"cool" times today.

And he said
"man" six times.

Cool, man.

Maybe he'll put them
together tomorrow

and make
his first sentence.

Uh, yo, Dale.

[honking]

Meet my new friend, Doug.

Hello, Dale.

Hiya, Big Nose.

And that's when it
hit me for the first time.

I had a big nose.

[barking]

That's me.

Hey.

Big nose,
big nose!

Well, can't you get him
to say something else?

Big nose!

Big nose!

It's not really
that big, is it?

Big nose, big nose!

Hey, smart little brother
you got there, Skeeter.

Isn't that right,
Mr. Schnozz?

Thanks, Roger.

I got an idea
for you.

Get two
pictures taken.

One for you and one for
that nose of yours!

Why didn't anybody ever
tell me I had a big nose?

Well, what are you
looking at?

Why am I always
the last to know?

I bet I've had a big nose
all my life.

[cooing]

Oh, Theda, is this
little Dougie?

Oh, I wish I had
my camera.

Oh, let's see
the little fella.

Cootchie cootchie coo.

[screaming]

He has a big nose!

Did you see the nostrils
on that thing?

Since I was supposed to get
dressed up for the photo sh**t

anyway, maybe there was a way to
make my nose look smaller.

All right, class.

It's time to learn
about primary variables.

Doug Funnie,
you're late.

Shall we continue?

If A equals one

and B represents all
the numbers in the known world,

then C equals some number
unknown to either A or B.

Let's see.

If A equals how
big my nose is now

and B represents my nose's
annual rate of growth,

then by the time
I finish college...

Wow, a nose with a
college degree!

Cool, man.

May I be excused?

Maybe I'm making
too big a deal about this.

After all, it's
just a nose.

Hey, Pinnochio.

Nice outfit.
Very funny, Roger.

Listen, Funnie, why don't you
just avoid being a loser

on Photo Swap Day and
don't have your picture taken?

What do you mean?

Think about it, Funnie, why
would anyone want a picture

of a honker like that?

A photo?

For me?

I hope
you like it.

Your nose poked my
eye out, Doug!

Call an ambulance!

Help!

Forgive me!

[Lamar]
Attention all
teachers and pupils...

Today we will take your pictures
for Photo Swap Day,

starting with those
pupils whose last names

begin with Z, as in zamboni.

Well, gotta
go, Funnie.

Don't want to disappoint
my fans on Photo Swap Day.

Hey, how does
my hair look?

Nice and pointy.

Eh, what do
you know, Funnie?

Yo, Doug, I just had
my picture taken.

And you know
what's really cool?

I can still see the little
spots in front of my eyes.

I'll miss 'em
when they're gone.

Hey, Skeeter--
Hey, Doug.

[both]
Hey, Patti--
Hey, Beebe.

So, Patti, how do you
think your picture came out?

Who knows?

Nose.

See, they're
making fun of me.

Huh?

And that girl
in front of me?

She was so nosy.

See, they did
it again!

Did what, man?

I think some people should
just keep their big noses

out of other
people's business.

Big nose--
Did you hear that?

Hey, don't get your nose
all bent out of shape.

That's it--
I'm out of here!

No pictures for me!

Listen, man, everybody's
gotta get their picture taken.

It's the rules.

Unless, of course,
you got sick or something.

Oh...

[coughing]

I think I'm sick.

What's
your story?

I have turkey
pox.

You're the fourth kid
today to pull that one on me.

Try again,
mister.

The kangaroo flu?

No.

An allergic reaction
to beets?

I think I'll go get
my picture taken now.

Bingo.

Hello, big nose!

Get two
pictures taken.

One for you and one
for that nose!

Ah, your nose
poked my eye out!

Doug, Doug.

Help!

Doug,
are you okay?

Oh, yeah, fine.

No problem here.

[Lamar]
Attention all teachers
and pupils.

This is
Assistant Principal Bone.

All pupils whose last name
begins with F,

report for your photo
session on the double.

That's you,
Mr. Funnie.

Aren't you gonna get
your picture taken?

I'm not sure.

How come?

Come on, Patti!

You know how some
people have a little...

Well, you see, I have
this friend--

it's not me--
he's got a giant--

Could a girl like you ever
go for a guy with a...

Doug, are you afraid
to get your picture taken

because you think you
have a big nose?

Huh--
How did you know?

Oh, I heard Roger giving
you a hard time.

Listen, Doug,
don't worry about it.

Just go get your
picture taken.

I think your nose
gives you character.

Really?

Yes,
true character.

You're one
of a kind.

[angelic choir sings]

Character!

I've got character!

[Lamar]
This is
Assistant Principal Bone.

Now hear this.

Absolutely last call for
Photo Day stragglers.

That means you, Funnie.

Hey, man, what
happened to you?

You're all sweaty.

I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Okay, man,
good luck.

Don't break the camera.

[honking]

[laughing]

Okay, tiger.

Just sit with
your shoulders like this

and your head
like this.

And lean forward.

Now, say "beets."

Beets.

Whoa!

Next.

[Lamar]
Attention all teachers
and pupils.

This is Lamar Bone,
assistant principal.

This afternoon's classes are
cancelled due to Photo Swap Day.

That is all.

All right, class.

Here are your
photo packets.

Well, there I sat.

It was the moment
of truth.

Douglas.

Hey, it's me.

[girl]
Oh, let me see
how yours came out.

Oh, it looks good!

Cool hair, Roger.

I like the way it's
all nice and pointy.

Eh, what do you know,
Skeet face?

"To Patti."
Hmm, I know.

"From Doug."
Perfect.

Uh, excuse me,
this is for you.

Wait, Doug.

Huh?

Here.What-- For me?

"To Doug,
from Patti."

Yo, Doug!

Whoa, you scored
big time, didn't you?

Hey, Skeeter, can I have
one of your pictures?

I can't, man.

Why not?

Dale ate 'em.

Yum, yum,
eat 'em up!

Yum, yum, eat
'em up!

Hey, Dale, whatever
happened to big nose?

Yum, yum,
eat 'em up!

Big nose!

Mrs. Wingo told us a picture's
worth a thousand words.

Well, this
picture's worth...

it's worth, well, a lot.

After all, Patti saved
me from my big nose.

Thanks to her,
I know I have character.

Ow!

And thanks to Dale, I think it's
probably all the character

I need for now.

[Dale]
Eat 'em up,
big nose!

Cool, man!

Yum, yum.

Big big big
big big nose.

Eat 'em up, eat
'em up, yum, yum.

[gibberish continues]

♪♪