21x06 - Scotched in Scotland

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

I've decided to give you boys
your diplomas in private

because you graduated
with the lowest honors

in our school's history.

STOOGES:
Gee, thanks, Dean Gonga.
You're a swell guy.

Ow! Cut it out.

And, I might add, you will never
get a job in the United States

with your school record.
But as we find jobs

for all our students, I've
decided to take care of you.

That's great.
We'll get that pa...

[PHONE RINGING]

STOOGES:
Hello? Hello?

♪ Hello ♪
♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

Hello!
Hello!

Viva!
Viva!

Hold it.

Oh!
Oh!

Go on, get away from here.

I'm sorry, Dean.

Now, what about the job
and where do we go?

Oh, you're going to
Glenheather Castle in Scotland.

Oh, boy, Scotch.
I love it.

You take a tall, thin glass,
you put the ice in it...

Quiet, McNothing.

Quiet, yourself.

You know, you tell me
to be quiet,

but I'll make a noise
around here...

Aye, aye, ah!
Let him alone!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, oh.

I'm sorry, Dean.
Now, what about Scotland?

Well, in Glenheather Castle,
certain valuable objects of art

have been disappearing,

and the servants are blaming it
on ghosts.

Ghosts.

[GIBBERING]
Quiet.

You will prove there are no
ghosts and find the culprits

who are stealing
these objects of art.

Ghosts give me the creeps.
I'm not going!

Hey, wait a minute.
Get him.

You just got the diploma here.

What do you mean, not going?
You're going to Scotland

if we go to Scotland.

We all graduated together.
MOE: We go together.

You're darn right we do,
and remember that.

I'm telling you that.

You idiots!

Ah!

We're sorry.
It's merely an accident.

That couldn't happen again
in a thousand times.

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Oh, you have a little fleck
on your chin. Pardon me.

There we are.

Oh, now, take it easy, boss.
Don't get excited.

We'll help you clean it up
when we get back from Scotland.

And you guys!

You had to spill the ink,
didn't you?

Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh!
Come on.

Ah, ah, oh, oh!

We got it.

[WIND BLOWING]

Look at the size of this shack.

LARRY [ECHOING]:
Train leaving on Track .

All aboard.

What's the matter with you?
This is a castle, you nitwit.

Say, they say there's a lot
of ghosts in castles.

That's a lot of baloney.

There's nothing in here
to be scared of.

[STOOGES GASP]

The earl will see you now.

This way, please.

Hey, Moe, is my slip showing?

No. Go on,
go on, go on.

Come in, lads.
Come in.

Well, well, so you're true
Scotchmen, are you?

Hoot man!
Hoot man!

[SPEAKING SCOTTISH-SOUNDING
GIBBERISH]

Nacht by nacht.
And today too.

Meet McLarry, McShemp
and I'm McMoe.

Hiya, mac.

MOE: Hiya, mac.
LARRY: Glad to mac-meet you.

Lads, me secretary.

Nice to know you, laddies.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
A charming bit of thistledown,

if I say so myself. Aye.

LARRY:
And what might your name be,
lass?

Perhaps you've heard it.
'Tis Lorna Doone.

Hiya, Lorna, how you doin'?

Ow!

You must be a bit weary

after your long journey.

Aye.
Aye.

Aye-aye-aye.

Would you like a wee snifter?

Hoot man!
That we would, that we would.

Yowsah, that's what the man
said. He said, yowsah.

Say, what part of Scotland
are you from?

He's from Southern Scotland,

below the McMason-McDixson Line.

McYowsah, that's what the man...

McPherson, the Scotch broth.

McPHERSON:
Yes, milord.

Here it is, m'lads,
the very best.

Good health to you.

[CORK POPS]

[STOOGES SNIFFING]

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS]
SHEMP: When he said snifter,

he wasn't kidding.

Have another?

No, thanks, I gotta drive.

McPherson, lock it up again.

It's years old.

With a little luck,
it should get to be .

McPherson, fetch me the rest
of me correspondence.

Yes, milord.
Aye.

And now, lads, I'll tell you
why I sent for you.

I want you to guard
me valuables tonight,

for I'm off to a gathering
of the clan.

Oh, a clan bake, eh?

Quiet.
Oh!

You got nothing
to worry about, earl.

Say, earl, there's no ghosts
here, is there?

No. 'Tis only a rumor.

A lot of foolishness.
[CLEARS THROAT]

The taxi is waiting,
Your Lordship.

One moment. I have some
instructions for these lads.

Beg pardon, sir, but it's
tuppence a minute

for waiting time.

Yikes!

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

Lorna, McPherson,

we've gotta scare those jokers
out of the castle

and make our last haul
before the earl gets back.

But what if they
don't scare easily?

Then we'll use drastic measures.

Aye, 'tis good.

I'd better show them
to their bedroom now.

See you later.
[BIRD SQUAWKING]

[WIND BLOWING]

You'll find this very
comfortable when the cold,

clammy wind howls over the moors
like a lost soul.

Good night.
[GULPS]

Good night.

Pleasant dreams.

Oh, if you want anything,
just wail, hm?

[GIBBERING]

Like a lost soul.

Say, fellas,
I ain't tired anymore.

Maybe one of you guys
ought to turn in.

Go on, get in the bed.

You grab some shuteye
while Shemp and I

go downstairs and look around.

Come on.
Wait a minute, Moe.

I feel kind of edgy myself.

I ought to take something
for my nerves.

Like what?
A trip home.

Come on, get going.

But wait a minute, I am nervous.

Well, if you're so nervous,
grab that g*n.

Hurry up.

Oh! Oh!

I didn't mean it, Moe.
I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.
Are you all right?

Yeah. Come on, you.
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Next time be more careful.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

Lorna, you see if you can open
the safe and get the jewelry

while McPherson and I take care
of those comic book Sherlocks.

Gosh, I hope nothing happens.

What kind of talk is that?

What could happen?

Go ahead, tell me,
what could happen?

Nothing, I guess.

Well, then, go ahead, go ahead.

[WIND HOWLING]

Ah, solid gold.

Worth a fortune.

[SQUAWKING]

How are you fixed for blades?

You better look.

Aw, shut up.

[LOUD CRASH]

Hey, fellas, cut out the racket,
will you, please?

Yipe!

Help!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[SNAP]
[GASPS]

Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

"You silly fools.
I've moved the jewels.

The Earl."

Oh, drat him.

[WIND HOWLING]

[SQUAWKING]

In here.
All right.

What's the matter with you?

Nobody robbing anything in here.

Hey, I'm getting tired.
Let's relax.

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[STUTTERING]

Gho... Gho... Gho...

Uh-oh. You need
bicarbonate.

[STUTTERING]

What's the matter with you?
You crazy or something?

BIRD:
What's the matter,

you crazy or something?

Why don't you mind
your own business?

I just said that.

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[SCREAMING]

[SQUAWKS]

What's going on here?

How are you fixed for blades?

You better look.

[SCREAMING]

[SQUAWKING]

[SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Uh-oh, wrong door.

Larry, there's something
going on downstairs.

I'm glad I'm up here
where it's safe.

[CHUCKLES]

This little marble
will come in handy.

That ought to take care
of any visitors.

Move over.

Look what you did to the covers.

Ah.

Say, you ought to see
your dentist.

Why don't you get to sleep?

[SCREAMING]

Hey, fellas,
open the door, it's me!

It's Larry!

[SCREAMS]

[PANTING]

Hey, I got the knickknacks.
They're in there.

The guy with
the big teeth took them.

Oh, you're crazy.
He's right...

[GASPS]
Somebody stole our bed.

It's worth a king's ransom.

It's solid gold.
Ah-ha!

I caught you stealing
red-handed.

I'm gonna call the police.

You won't live to.

[SCREAMS]

Operator, get me the police.
Get me...

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Hurry up, open that door.

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Ow!

[WHIMPERING]

Uh-oh. I'll fix him.

[GRUNTING]

Get away from that door
or I'll sh**t.

Get away.

It's him again.
Come here.

Ow! Oh!

We got him.

Ah!
I'm sorry, Moe.

We didn't mean it.
You dough-heads.

Oh!
Oh!

[BANGING ON DOOR]

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Ah!

[ROARS]

Good work, Larry.
Attaboy.

Hey. Hey, what happened?
Hey, Larry.

Ow!

Now, get over to the bed.

[GRUNTS]

Ooh! I got him.

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

Angus!

McPherson!

You look better with it on.

The dame with the swag.
Get her.

SHEMP:
Wait a minute! Hey!

[GASPS]

Let me go! Let me go!

Lorna, what's going on here?

No!

My antiques, my treasures.

Hey, we got the other
two crooks upstairs.

Yeah, Angus and McPherson have
been cleaning out the place.

The room on the right, officer.

So that's what you've
been doing, Lorna.

Officer, take her away.

Lads, I'm a grateful man,

and it is only fitting
that I reward you.

MOE: Oh, that ain't necessary.
Ah, but I will.

Come on.

The Scotch broth, lads.

And this time
we'll really drink it,

for you proved there are no
ghosts in Glenheather Castle.

[PLAYING BAGPIPE]
How are you fixed for liquor?

You better look.
[ALL SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]