02x08 - The Solar Opposites Almost Get an Xbox

[bunniefuu]

Good job, guys!

All in all, I'd say it was

a pretty successful

Eyes Wide Shut sex party

slash fundraiser for UNICEF.

The time traveling glory hole

was a great touch.

Dirty Randy's still going at it,

aren't ya, bud?

Whoa-ho! My dong inadvertently caused

the assassination of JFK!

Wasn't that a B-story

on Modern Family?

That party sucked.

No one wanted to sacrifice Ragu.

No way the petting zoo's

gonna take him back

with that haunted look

in his eyes.

I finally did it!

I perfectly deboned this brrranzino.

It took me 147 tries but

Wait, wh-where is everyone?

Party's over, man.

You took too long with the fish.

I told you,

just order Burger Lounge.

Everyone at an orgy expects

to be eating Burger Lounge.

Burger Lounge:

Eat Clean, f*ck Dirty.

I guess I'll just enjoy this

perfectly deboned European Sea Bass

by myself.

Should we save him?

Yeah, I guess give him

the Shlorplich maneuver.

Just for the record, I was just

pretending to choke.

Ah crap, the Pupa's blue.

- Uh, what does that mean?

- You're the Pupa specialist!

Right and what does that mean?

Aisha, access the Pupa's

informational color swatches.

Okay, royal blue means

the Pupa has kennel cough,

cornflower blue means one of us just had

a sex dream about the other one,

navy blue means

his Hulu plan is expiring,

robin's egg blue means

we get a free Xbox,

Pacific blue means

we all die at midnight!

We were so close

to gettin' that Xbox!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into,

uh, the space,

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

This is, this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

They love having robots do their jobs,

but they don't create

a system of universal income

so they can have money

after the robots take their jobs.

It makes no sense!

Okay, let me break it down for you.

Oh yeah, baby, break it down,

break it down

Shut the f*ck up, Terry!

Since the Pupa's turned blue,

he's been emitting a protein dust

that triggers a natural mechanism

in our bodies

that kills us in 12 hours.

Ooh, stakes!

People are listening now!

After we die,

the Pupa will eat us,

then evolve and terraform

this sh*t stain of a planet

into the image of our home world.

Hey, alright! That means

we're closer to completing the mission.

We are so good at this!

I bet when I die,

I'll be so popular at school.

Last year, Jeannie Scarlatos

got crowned homecoming queen

after a moose kicked her in the heart.

Ooh, I've never d*ed before!

But I have seen Weekend at Bernie's

like a hundred times,

so I guarantee

it's gonna be hilarious.

You know, dying is gonna

be great for all of us.

Let's gather all our stuff

and burn it on the front lawn.

I don't want any humans

touching my sh*t while I'm dead.

And then we can dig

the pits we die in.

Ooh, I gotta get

my shovel back from Keith.

Better hurry,

Pupa's looking hungry.

Keith, whatever dumb sh*t

you're doing right now, stop.

Korvo! Hey, buddy,

check out my new business:

"Fruit By Keith By The Foot."

I'm making

my own fruit snacks.

I don't have time

for your crazy neighbor antics.

Give me back my shovel.

Oh okay. You digging

a hole or something?

If you must know, I'm gonna be dying

in about 12 hours,

and I need to dig my death hole.

Oh my God. Korvo,

I'm so sorry. Are you sick?

No, it's complicated alien sh*t.

I'm not gonna sit here

and explain it to a moron.

Well, I gotta say,

I'm impressed with your attitude.

If I knew I was going to die today,

I'd be freaking out.

What? Why?

I mean, you know, death is so final.

There's so much I'd feel like I need

to do in my life before I die.

What do you mean "death is final"?

Oh, oh, guys. Um, after we burn

our stuff, let's salt the Earth,

- you know, like, just for safety.

- Guys! Guys, stop!

We were lied to about

what happens when you die!

Does this mean

we actually get that Xbox?

I call first dibs, I wanna play

the Moonlight LEGO game!

No!

Do know what YOLO means?

Isn't it like

the white version of FUBU?

No! Keith just told me

that when you die, that's it,

you don't get

to do anything after!

Y-you cease to exist!

What? No, no, no, no.

Look, I watch a lot of cartoons,

and death is not a big deal.

Apparently,

those cartoons aren't accurate!

This whole time, we were supposed

to be living fulfilling lives!

He's also making

his own fruit leather,

and I made fun of it until I tried some,

and it's actually really good.

But we're dying in 11 hours.

Well, how are we supposed

to live full lives

in the same amount of time

it takes to digest a McFlurry?

Hey! Maybe we're already fulfilled.

One of my tweets did get

a like from Post Malone.

He's pretty busy.

Oh my God, you're right!

Maybe we are fulfilled. To the ship!

The dictionary defines fulfillment as

"being satisfied or happy as a result

of fully developing one's character."

Okay, yeah, tha

I mean, that sounds like us.

We've done that, I think.

Ayeesh, pull up

the fulfillment meters.

f*ck ass, look at that!

We're hardly fulfilled at all!

Aisha, how much time

do we have until death?

Eleven hours,

43 minutes, and 23 seconds.

- Cripes!

- Aw, f*ckers!

Okay, calm down.

We still have time to get fulfilled.

It's gonna be tight,

so no time to waste.

Everyone needs to write down all

the things that will make you fulfilled.

You have one hour. Go!

Ugh, why did we waste a whole hour

writing these ideas?

I did mine in, like, five minutes

then Googled up-kilt pictures

the rest of the time.

There's some

big ol' dongs in that.

Geez, there's a lot of these.

"Learn how to crip walk."

"sh**t an avenge p*rn."

"Fight the Property Brothers."

Yay! The pink ones are mine!

Crip walk dancing isn't gonna

move the needle.

We have to do the one that makes us

the most fulfilled

in the least amount of time.

Win a Teen Choice Award?

It's the last step

to winning an AGOT.

Adult Video News, Grammy,

Oscar, and Teen Choice.

Part of an AGOT won't do it.

You need the whole AGOT.

- End global warming?

- That's mine.

I don't know, it felt like something

people talk about, right?

Too easy. We could just do that

with our End Global Warming Ray.

Hunt down and k*ll Carmen Sandiego.

Hell yeah, this one's mine.

f*ck Carmen Sandiego,

always rubbing it in our face

that she gets to travel for a living!

"Help a rag-tag group of kids

win a sports championship."

- Hey, that's it!

- What?

Why would we care about that?

It sounds stupid.

Hey, that's not stupid,

that's my idea!

Yes, we don't care about it.

But if we do care about it

after we finish, then we'll be fulfilled

just like Gordon Bombay

in The Mighty Ducks!

Told you it wasn't stupid, Yumyulack!

Oh, it was totally stupid, Jesse.

But then I figured out

a way to make it cool.

Come on, no time to waste.

g*dd*mn,

you m*therf*ckers are back again?

We need you to find us

the nearest championship game.

Okay, it's kinda out of season

but let me see.

The closest option

is a water polo championship

in Rio De Janeiro.

Y'all got swimming suits?

Ugh, water polo is just wet hockey.

It'll have to do.

The Solar Opposites are going

to Brazil to get fulfilled!

Stop that! We don't have time

for any cool establishing sh*ts!

Ah, that took way too long!

Come on, let's find the rag-taggers

and get on with this.

Holy guacamole, mama like.

Goddammit, none of these guys

are rag-taggy at all.

They swim all day, of course they look

like Greek f*cking Gods.

Who cares? Just pick a team

and I'll zap 'em with the Rag Tag Ray.

Asthmatic and from a C-list

South American country? Boom.

Now they're tagged to the rag.

- You missed one.

- No, I didn't.

I just want to win for my dad.

He has butt cancer

in his heart.

Okay, guys, I know you're super rag-tag

and down on your luck

but if you listen to our coaching

and work as a team,

we can go all the way!

Plus we have to do this

as fast as possible.

I just want to make my dad proud.

He got his heart butt cancer

from smoking.

We get it.

I love you, butt cancer dad!

Thank you for making us champions.

But can you turn me back to young.

I was so hot

and had a beautiful voice

and got tons of p*ssy.

No, we have to get back

and see how fulfilled we are.

Hurry, hurry! Check the meters.

Are-are-are we fulfilled?

I feel pretty dang satisfied!

Oh sh*t!

They've hardly moved at all.

No! That should've worked.

We wasted so much time

on that stupid water polo thing.

Jesus Christ,

the Pupa looks so hungry.

I can't go down like this!

Ugh! You know what?

You're all holding me back!

f*ck you, guys,

I'm getting fulfilled by myself!

- Okay, I'm gonna go. f*ck you!

- Give me a slip.

f*ck you losers!

Help an old lady across the street.

Why are all of Korvo's ideas

about doing stuff to old ladies?

Hey, Granny! Stop!

- Ugh! You're hurting me!

- No, I'm not, this is helping!

I need to go to the bus

on the other side of the street.

No time!

I'm getting fulfilled!

- Ah, what the f*ck! Ah!

- Eat sh*t!

Teach someone to read.

Ugh, stupid Jesse.

Why can't I do

something awesome,

like see how many grapes

I can fit in my mouth?

Now your baby can read.

You're welcome!

What? Why?

Now you can read.

Getting fulfilled!

I could already read,

I'm a famous novelist.

Now your hat can read!

Stop that!

What are you doing?

- Your car can read!

- Help!

This alien is educating

my things!

Stop right there, you dirty alien!

Oh God, I can read?

What if I gain empathy?

What if I learn things

that force me to re-evaluate

my hardline conservative opinions?

- Ahh!

- Oh my God!

I don't have a lot of time,

so I have to learn how to skydive

and get baptized

at the same time.

I'm certified by the FAA

and our Lord and Savior

Jesus Christ!

Dunk your head in the holy water!

Korvo, I now baptize you in the name

of the Father, Son, and the

Oh sh*t, I dropped the bowl!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Oh, looks like God was on our side!

Although his ways are mysterious.

What are you doing, little girl?

I'm freein' the Willys,

ya dumb cr*cker!

Have fun being free, Willys!

Alright, Jake Slater,

you have been kissed.

Just to be clear, this probably would have

fulfilled Jesse more than me.

Whoa. I've never been kissed

like that before.

Will you go to prom with me?

Depends on what you're wearing!

- What the f*ck are you doing here?

- Hello, Ms. Frankie.

Yumyulack wanted to tell you

"to go f*ck yourself twice,

you has-been bag

of stinky dog piss."

- Hurtful but continue.

- And Terry wanted to

- Oh, hells no.

- What is it?

I hear your heart b*at ♪

To the b*at of the drums ♪

I'm watching you!

- But I'm dancing like you're not!

- Aah!

Came here with someone ♪

Let's make the most of the night

like we're gonna die young ♪

We're gonna die young ♪

Let's make the most of the night

like we're gonna die young ♪

Don't Oh!

Dammit, Frankie,

I'm on the clock.

Wait, Samantha!

Don't get on that plane. I love you.

What? Me?

I don't know you!

I love you more

than anything I've ever

Livin' hard just like we should ♪

Don't care who's watchin'

when we tearin' it up ♪

You know ♪

That magic that we got

nobody can touch ♪

Fo' sho' ♪

Lookin' for some trouble tonight ♪

Yeah ♪

Take my hand

I'll show you the wild side ♪

Let's make the most of the night

like we're gonna die young ♪

Man, that was some good fulfilling!

I'm so fulfull, I'm gonna yack.

Let's not start tuggin' each other's

nonexistent dicks quite yet.

We don't know if it worked.

Oh, I have a feeling

I'm completely fulfilled.

I didn't give a woman

six and a half orgasms for nothing.

Aisha, pull up our fulfillment meters

and prepare to be impressed.

Mostly?

What the f*ck?

What? I don't understand,

we did all our slips!

Ooh, my word of the day!

Today's word is dilatory,

meaning moving or proceeding

at less than normal speed.

I'll use it in a sentence:

I am dilatory all the time

because I'm kinda lazy

and f*ckin' stupid.

Ooh!

Oh my God, I'm fulfilled!

I did it! I feel amazing!

I YOLO'd and you didn't!

You're Yo-Losers!

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's that button? Ha ha!

Whoo!

f*ck you! f*ck you!

And f*ck you!

Shut up, Terry! You suck.

Yeah, shut up!

Make me,

you unfulfilled m*therf*ckers!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ah geez, he really splatted.

It wasn't even that much of a fall.

Hey, that's my "b" guys.

Stop licking Terry's blood,

you Ragu! Show some respect!

Wait a minute.

When Terry d*ed,

it looks like his fulfillment points

transferred over to me.

I'm almost fulfilled now.

Holy sh*t, I guess we're in a

"there-can-only-be-one"

Highlander- type situation.

Wait, I thought that show

was about a hot nurse

who goes back in time

to get her ass eaten out?

No, that's Outlander.

Highlander means if one of us

kills the other two,

we'd be totally fulfilled

before we die.

Okay. That tracks.

But we would never k*ll

each other, right?

I mean, w-we're a family.

- Yeah. That's, that's what we all think.

- Sure. A family.

I'm gonna go mourn Terry

in another part of the house.

I'm gonna go do, uh,

some Solar Opposites stuff.

And I am going to go write

a Rotten Tomatoes user review

of Thor: The Dark World.

So people can know my thoughts

on that particular Thor movie.

It's so great that we're not

preparing to k*ll each other.

Hey, beautiful.

You ready to f*ck sh*t up?

Dammit. Why did I design this

to only turn when you go backwards?

- Perfect.

- Aisha, I need that magic potion.

The one we keep in Narnia?

We promised

we would never go back.

No, the secret magic potion

that Jewish wizard taught me!

Hurry!

Baruch Atah Adonai

Expellilumus Leviosa

Ugh!

No fair, you have a t*nk!

Yeah, and I'm gonna blast you

and develop the sh*t out of my character!

Maybe that would have worked

before I made my magic me's!

Come on out, boys!

That's not fair!

Jesse, what did you do?

Aren't you trying to k*ll us too?

Oh gosh, no.

I would never do that to my family.

Typical Jesse. So stupid.

- Ow!

- Oww!

Psych!

I Home Alone'd the whole house!

Welcome to Hell, boys!

Die, you creepy little Korvos!

Oh!

Ah!

Ha! Try getting all those feathers

off of you!

I'm gonna k*ll that kid!

Come out here, normal-sized Korvo!

- It's time for me to finish you!

- Not quite yet!

Meet ogre Korvo.

Or as I like to call him, Orgo.

Aah

Oh my God,

Yumyulack is dead!

My brother from another

toe mother!

Yeah, I k*lled him, and you're next.

Wait a minute. W-what are we doing?

This feels wrong.

Should we really be k*lling each other

just to get these stupid points?

I was just thinking the same thing!

We should have spent

these last 12 hours with each other,

enjoying the company of family.

I'm sorry, Jesse.

Y-you're right.

Korvo, I'm scared.

Is, is dying gonna hurt?

No, I, I think it'll be peaceful,

li-li-like falling asleep.

Well, I'm glad that

at least we'll die together.

You know what?

Maybe spending time with people you love

is what gives your life meaning.

Not some bucket list

or making a history teacher cum so hard

- she loses feeling in her left side?

- Korvo, that's beautiful.

Come here, ya big lug.

No, Korvo!

My last booby trap,

I forgot all about it!

I'm so sorry! No!

Wait!

I'm fulfilled!

It feels amazing!

I'm fulfilled, mother scratchers!

But I only have a minute left.

I gotta do this right.

Korvo said

it's all about family.

It's time to bring

this baby full circle.

Goodbye, Pupa.

Remember not to eat us too fast

or you'll get a tummy ache.

Any moment now.

Maybe that old clock

was just a little fast.

Ah cripes,

did I k*ll our family

for no reason? I hate when

Holy sh

Look at that Pupa eating our fruit.

Maybe save some

and make a jam, you little fatty!

Alright, so w-what next?

Is the Pupa gonna terraform the world

once he's done eating the fruit?

- You're the Pupa specialist!

- Right, right, right, right.

No, I-I-I meant like for everyone else

who doesn't know what the Pupa does.

Jesus, Terry. No.

There's like a bunch more steps

in his evolution after this.

This is just step eight.

Or-or nine. I don't know.

Oh, look at him go. You were

a hungry little Pupa, weren't you?

Pupa, get over here

and suck the sap off my trunk!

Whoa, you're all trees now?

Of course we are.

We-we d*ed and came back as trees.

- Why do you sound surprised?

- 'Cause it's f*ckin' crazy.

When humans die,

we just turn into rotten mush.

We don't come back as trees.

Okay, smartass, but then where did

all the trees come from?

I mean, they're everywhere.

I don't know, those are just trees.

You're telling me human death

operates by different rules

and we didn't have to get

fulfilled before we d*ed?

I guess not.

We destroyed our house

because of your bullshit, Keith!

How was I supposed to know?

f*ck you, Keith!

You suck!

And your Fruit by Keith by the Foot

tastes like Poop by Keith from the Butt!

I wasted my cool-ass hidden t*nk

because of you!

Jesus Christ, calm down!

I thought you were dying!

You're a piece of sh*t, Keith!

f*ck you!

Hey! Ow!

- Stop!

- Die, die!

When we grow our legs back,

we're gonna k*ll you!

- Yeah, Keith!

- I was just trying to help!

You better move, Keith!

You better change your identity!

We're going to spend the rest of our lives

hunting your stupid ass down!

Wow, it turns out

hatin' on Keith together

was what finally fulfilled them all.

- Ah, I feel so fulfilled!

- Me too!

Aw, this is amazing. We should've

just been tormenting Keith all along.

It's so nice to be fulfilled as a family.

Whoa-ho-ho! I can already see

my feet starting to form,

so you better pack up,

you little bitch!

You don't know how many seasons

we're gonna have, Keith!

We're aliens. We can grow

into trees and come back

season after season!

I'm gonna cut your eyes out!

Yeah, I'm gonna kick you

in the d*ck!

You know guys, all in all,

this was a pretty satisfying end

to our day.

Yeah, that's actually kind of the end

to our whole year.

Man, what a run.

We did a lot this year.

Wait, that's really the end?

We ran around worrying about death,

that's how we go out?

Yeah, I mean, what else do you want?

Some f*ckin' hacky holiday special?

I would never, ever, in a million years

do something as lame and cash-grabby

as a Solar Opposites holiday special.

Yeah, the Solar Opposites have integrity.

That's right.

We have integrity!

And we would never sacrifice that

for anything

Hold on, hold on.

I'm getting a text from Hulu.

- Huh.

- What does it say, Korvo?

Is it about our integrity?

Sort of. Goddammit.