02x05 - Arkwright's Mobile Store

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How do, Granville? You're losing all control over them legs of yours, aren't you? I think you've got more legs than are good for you.

A nice fresh morning.

A fine day for spending your money with private shopkeepers.

-- Is there something else you wish to b--buy? -- No, no.

Don't rush these decisions.

Take your time.

Have a wander round the store.

I'm not worth it, Mr Arkwright.

You've only left me enough for me bus fare.

In the old days, I'd have had that and all.

We all grow more mellow with time.

I think you're a marvel.

I don't know how you managed to sell me these cigarettes.

They're new, but I think you'll finish up preferring them to your usual brand.

I haven't got a usual brand.

You're just the customer we're looking for -- an open mind and a pocket to match.

You can smoke those with impunity.

They are low tar, you see.

I don't smoke, Mr Arkwright.

You're just the chap they're designed for.

They're identical with not smoking.

I'm a non--smoker, but I smoke them.

It gives you something to do with your hands.

Talking of something to do with your hands, have you see Nurse Gladys's car? Hey, close your mouth, there's a double--decker b--b There's a double--d--d--d Oh, don't bother, it'll have gone by now.

But there'll be another one along in a minute.

I bet Robert Redford's not up at this time.

Robert Redford needs his sleep.

When can I start burning the candle at both ends? There are some ends where the last thing you want is a blister.

-- Have you got everything on there? -- I can't get any more on! You've made that bicycle too heavy sticking those transfers on it.

You won't let me have a sports car.

I remember all too painfully what happened to your mother in a sports car.

And in the back of a lorry.

Come on, when you get back, we can have breakfast.

Half of this lot won't be up yet.

The lucky ones will have just gone to bed.

No one should be lying in bed this time of day.

You couldn't pay me to do it.

All right.

Let me pay you to let me lie in bed this time of day.

You can pay me for that little Twinkie bar.

Oh, 'eck! I never get a chance to have a lie--in, do I? You're just like your mother was.

Happiness is horizontal.

Why are you so rude about your own sister? Don't misunderstand me.

Some people loved her dearly.

-- Others used to get it on discount.

-- Look! It's only a joke.

It's only a joke.

Her one fault was that she was inclined to be over--friendly.

If you didn't like her, why do you keep her photograph? I never said I didn't like her.

No.

She always had a ready smile and she certainly enjoyed life.

-- Did you get on well? -- Yes.

We got on fine together.

She always used to wave when she went past in a gentleman's car.

Sometimes with both feet! -- What are you eating, by the way? -- Nothing.

-- Just chewing the fat with you.

-- Look at that! Don't you want it? I'll have it.

Come on, get into this saddle, Wyatt Earp, and mosey off down the Rio Grande.

Don't hang about chucking pebbles in the canal.

There are too many boxes.

I can't see.

Go on with you.

You'll be all right.

You should know every inch of the way by now.

You ought to be able to d--do it in the d--d--dark.

I'm doing it in the d--d--dark! All day my legs are going like a sewing machine.

Maybe it's time you changed your bobbin, eh? Off you go.

(HORN HONKS, CRASHING) Oh.

-- I'm all right.

-- You're going to k*ll this lad, Arkwright.

I am if he's b--broken any eggs! -- There you are, love.

How's that? -- Great.

-- Does it hurt? -- No.

What really hurts is never knowing your own mother.

Oh, you poor love.

-- Did you know me mother? -- Wellwe weren't close.

-- She was older than me.

-- But you saw her? Yes.

I knew her by sight.

What was she like? She had very striking earrings.

-- Is your other leg all right? -- Yes, it's great.

-- He works you too hard.

-- I know.

But working helps you to forget that you're an orphan.

Oh, Granville! What kind of treatment is that for a bad leg? You load too much on that bike.

He scratches his knee and he gets his head squeezed! He needs a bit of comfort.

-- Can't you agree without nodding? -- No.

It's dangerous for him on that bike.

It's a bit risky in there with them two! You've no right sending him out on these dark mornings half asleep.

I send him out when there's very little traffic.

I'm traffic! I was half asleep myself.

I've been up all night by the bedside of some poor old man.

How come you never sit by the bedside of this p--poor old man? You're not a poor old man.

You're a tight--fisted old man! -- That's true.

-- Who? Me? Yes, you! If you don't start loosening up a bit spending--wise, Arkwright, you won't find me anywhere near your bedside.

What a thing to say to an engaged person! You're going to find yourself disengaged if you don't start expanding this ratty old business.

Ratty old business? Nobody's marrying me into this sordid little empire.

If you'd ploughed a bit back in, you could have had a row of shops by now.

I'm looking for comfort in my old age, and until I see some signs of it, I'm keeping my bedside to myself.

-- I think she means it.

-- I mean it! Oh, listen, if it's any interest, my plans for further expansion are already on the d--drawing board.

-- What plans? -- Shut your head! I'll think of something.

-- Careful, careful.

-- I'm being careful.

I'm always careful.

I've been nothing but careful.

At my age, it's excitement you're supposed to have.

Never mind that.

Lower your end.

The story of my life.

There.

That's beautiful, is that.

It ought to be at that p--price per letter.

Good job the sign writer didn't stutter.

I want Nurse Gladys to know how much money we're spending.

It's not only the new sign, it's the van.

This is setting us both back a pretty penny.

Us? Both? How come it's costing me money? You're part of the managerial team, aren't you? Do I look like part of the managerial team? Why am I dressed like an errand lad? Think yourself lucky, Granville.

Dressed like that, you are totally irresistible to rich, spoiled women.

Where are there any rich, spoiled women? Granville, don't leave everything to me.

I've given you a start in life.

I've dressed you so you're ready for it.

Is the nurse about? Can you see her curtain twitching? With my experience of women, I wouldn't know a twitch if I saw one.

We'll put the sign out the front of the shop where she can see it.

I'll give her a knock.

You get in the van.

When I whistle, drive it round like a bat out of Harrogate.

-- Are you ready? -- No.

Wait till I give you the whistle.

Right.

-- Got the keys? -- Ow! Don't creep up behind people like that.

I've had me nose in the letter box.

You're not supposed to p--p--po--po--pop up behind people.

-- I need the keys to the van.

-- All right.

Why are you ringing that? That's for night emergencies.

I'm all for them! Why are you squinting through my letter box? I've got something to show you.

You must see this.

Through a letter box, you must be joking! I haven't time to stand here.

I'm feeding me mother.

To something big and hungry, I hope.

-- Hold on.

-- Get your foot out of the door.

I've tried it with my nose and it hurts.

-- If I spill this tray -- Stop arguing and come and see this sign.

-- "Arkwright's Mobile Store".

-- Yes.

You've been very scathing about how little I've done for Granville.

-- Well, there it is.

-- You're not hanging that on his bike? Close your eyes for a big surprise.

Not likely! With my hands full and you standing behind me.

-- Not that sort of surprise.

-- Well, that's a surprise.

(PIERCING WHISTLE, TRAY CRASHES) Look what you've done, you great gormless article! Are you supposed to do that without an anaesthetic? (ENGINE BACKFIRES) Oh, my God.

They're not digging the road up again? No, they're not.

That happens to be the latest addition to the Arkwright empire.

-- What is it? -- What do you mean? It's my new vehicle.

(GEARS CRUNCH) Once he gets the hang of it, it'll sound sweeter.

It'll need a bit of touching up here and there.

After all, who doesn't? It's ideal for shopkeeping p--purposes.

You've got this little counter for receiving the customers' money.

-- Are you in there, little counter? -- Yes.

Open up your hatch.

You see? All you do is pay your money over, then you get Ouch! Oh.

One of those, one of those, two of those, and another one of those.

You certainly get through a lot of biological detergent in your house.

It's his collars.

He will keep running his fingers round his collars.

Oh.

Nervous habit.

They say him up the post office is the same with his lady assistant.

-- You can't get them clean.

-- No.

I've tried everything.

He is me husband, after all.

That's one reason for rubbing your finger nervously round your collar! He's always been nervous.

-- He smokes endless cigarettes.

-- Pity, we don't sell that kind.

They're too long to get in the shop.

If you don't turn your husband out right, it reflects on the wife, I always think.

You're absolutely right there, Mrs Blewitt.

Was that your Granville under them boxes? It was either him or a very bold shoplifter.

You can't tell unless you get a glimpse of his bare--bare In that case, I don't think I'll bother.

Of his bare--bicycle clips, I was going to say.

-- Oh, so it was your Granville? -- Certainly.

-- Where's he going with all that? -- To stock up the new vehicle.

You may have seen it outside, complete with a hand--painted sign.

He's not loading up that thing, is he? It can't even stand up straight! It has a slight slant, it's true, which is ideal for cornering, you see.

Much the same as Mr Blewitt when he comes home from the B--Black Bull of a Sunday.

That's it.

I can't get any more in.

-- There he goes, look.

Did you see him? -- What have I done now? Finger in his collar.

They're all the same.

You'll never convince me there isn't something nasty about men.

You can try all you like, but as soon as your back's turned, they're at it.

Finger in their collars.

I see.

That'll be £3.

29, Mrs Blewitt.

Thank you.

Three pound odd for a little bag of groceries like that? I can put it in a bigger bag if you like.

Oh, dear.

It's the return of the dog woman.

Hello, Mrs Ta--Ta--Ta--Ta--Tattersall.

How's your little treasure? Granville, fetch a chair for Mrs Tattersall to sit her little treasure on.

She's not been very well, Mr Arkwright.

Bless her.

She's not going to be sick again, is she? She was sorry about the last time, weren't you, Sukie? We weren't too happy about it ourselves, were we? No.

I had to clear it up.

Oh, thank you, Granville.

Say thank you to Granville, Sukie.

She's nearly human, Mr Arkwright.

Nearly human.

I know.

More than could be said for most people.

-- There we are, Mrs Blewitt.

-- You shouldn't have dogs in here.

I know.

I don't usually, but this one spends a lot of money.

Shall we take some biscuits for our tea, Sukie? (SUKIE YAPS) We'll take this pack of biscuits, Mr Arkwright.

You're better off with your b--biological warfare.

What are you doing up there? Getting ready to harness the horse to it? I'm just tinkering with these.

Used to be an ice--cream van.

I wondered if there was any life left in the chimes.

I sometimes wonder if there's any life left in the whole universe.

And the more I look at you, Mrs Blewitt, the more I'm convinced there isn't.

Does Sukie want a big tin of stewing steak? No? (YAP!) Aah! We'll take this large tin of stewing steak, Mr Arkwright.

A useful addition to the household comestibles, Mrs Ta--Tattersall.

-- Your little friend shows excellent taste.

-- Yes.

She can almost talk.

There's one over the road just the same.

-- Almost talks, does he? -- No.

He keeps leaving little messages.

Mummy knows what Sukie would like.

A little tin of red salmon.

(YAP! YAP!) Oh.

Make that two tins, Mrs Tattersall.

Two tins.

(SCREECHING MUSIC) Sukie! Sukie, come back! Don't forget to pay for those things your dog ordered, Mrs Tattersall.

Would she like to join the Christmas Club? I got it working! Did you hear? Oh.

Talk to yourself, Granville.

-- Dear, dear.

-- What? Where's Mrs Ta--Tattersall? She's halfway to Peterborough.

I've got it working.

It was a loose wire.

I wish you hadn't while that dog was still shopping.

Spends a lot of money that dog does.

Supposing it takes its trade elsewhere? Oh, dear.

-- Are you ready? -- Yup.

(LOUD SCREECHING MUSIC) Turn it off! (MUSIC STARTS) My, w--what a w*apon in unscrupulous hands, eh? (BLEEPING AND BUZZING) I w--w--was just getting the hang of that.

Shut up with your machine.

I'm trying to get my mother to sleep.

-- That's a good idea.

-- No cracks from you.

No, not from me, my love.

I just had this vision of your mother breathing peacefully in her sleep, with her wings folded, hanging upside down from the roof.

-- He's not going out in this.

-- You wanted him off his bike.

-- Into something safe.

-- I'll be OK.

Look at it.

Why is it leaning like this? I'll be all right.

-- You've overloaded it.

-- No, not at all.

It leans quite considerably when it's empty.

-- It's a death trap.

-- What nonsense you talk.

-- He's not going until I'm sure it's safe.

-- I'll be all right.

You've loaded far too much stuff in here.

You've got to have a selection.

But this wasn't designed for all this loose stuff.

Take it once round the block, Granville.

Slowly.

We'll see how safe it all is.

Just once round the block and be careful! Don't drop anything fragile! Ooh! That's no place to p--poke a shopkeeper.

-- Don't you dread there being an accident? -- I do if you hit people in those places.

Let's get married while I've still got all me faculties.

Shut up.

At least we could pop over to your mother's and toy with the idea.

We're staying here till that lad gets back.

If he ever gets back! Bless him.

Could you come over later and look at me bedroom ceiling? I can hear him.

Look.

That's not so bad.

He's getting the hang of it now.

Good lad, Granville! There's a mobile shopkeeper if ever I saw one.

Pull over here, Granville.

Slow down, Granville! Apply your brakes, Granville! You were a bit slow in braking there, Granville.

Granville? Don't squeeze his head.

Oh, what a mess! Never mind his head, help me rearrange his perishables.

-- I'll take this one, Granville.

-- Right.

Thank you.

Unless you think I might be better with this one.

You'll be all right with that one, Mavis.

-- I can never make up me mind.

-- I've noticed, Mavis.

We've all noticed.

You're a great help to me.

If it's one thing I do know my way around, that's tins and stuff.

Oh, yes.

If ever there is an emergency and they need someone who knows his way around tins and stuff, it'll be Granville's finest hour.

I have this vision of me at parties, holding all the women enthralled.

I try to be modest about it, naturally, but they keep plucking at me pinny and demanding, "Come on, Granville, tell us about tins and stuff!" I think I'll have a quarter of cheese.

(HAMMERING) -- What's your uncle doing in that van? -- Installing solid fuel.

Solid fuel? In a van? Will it go? Eh? No, it's not for making it go, it's for cooking.

Arkwright's Mobile Store was a flop, so we're doing Arkwright's Mobile Catering.

We've got Cheddar, double Gloucester, Edam and/or processed.

Oh, 'eck! -- Take your time.

-- You're a nice person, Granville.

Are you sure? Well, I've incensed all your cooking facilities, Granville.

-- Hello, Mavis.

How are you? -- I'm not sure, Mr Arkwright.

And I've decided on the perfect site to ply your new trade in.

-- Where? -- Right where it is.

Outside in the street.

-- Right in our own street?! -- Yes.

Think of the saving in petrol.

Wow--whee! That's real mobile catering, that is (!) When the chaps come round for their cans of beer in the evening, they will hear the sizzling and smell the irresistible odour of s--sausages frying.

-- Oh--ho! -- There you are, Mavis.

If you hear something smelling this evening, it'll be me.

Pop in and have a hot dog.

-- I'd like to, but -- I know.

You are a married woman.

Oh, it's not that.

I can never decide whether to put mustard on it or not.

Open your damper a bit.

I can't.

It's stuck.

Well, j--jiggle it a bit! I'm trying to j--jiggle it a bit.

Ow! Don't leave me in here! I shall be out of pocket on the hand--painted sign, but we can eat the sausages.

We might get to like smoked sausages.

Going to get plenty of damned practice.

Fancy asking Wavy Mavis to ring for the Fire Brigade.

She dialled 999 a voice said, "Which service, please?" And that was it! Couldn't make up her blasted mind.