Eismayer (2022)

[bunniefuu]

Next.

Name?

Orth.

Report to the sentry.

Yes, sir!

Next.

Name.

Strobl.

Report to the sentry.

Next!

Name?

Derusio.

Name?

Derusio.

Speak up!

Derusio.

There you go.

Next.

Name?

Gruber.

Left. Guards.

Next.

Name?

Schuster.

Drug test?

Negative.

Red eyes?

Did you party too long last night?

No, no.

Next.

Name?

Nagl.

Drug test?

Positive.

That's what I thought.

Next.

Name?

Kren.

Next.

Name?

Bauer.

Left, to the Guards.

Yes, sir.

Next.

Report to the sentry.

Next.

Mario Falak.

Did I ask your name yet?

Name?

Mario Falak.

Not the youngest anymore, eh?

Where have you been hiding?

My mommy wouldn't let me go.

Very funny.

Classic case for Eismayer,

don't you think?

Left, to the Guards.

Have fun.

Thank you.

Next.

Based on true events

Bad breath?

What?

Do you have bad breath?

Just trying to avoid drillmaster Eismayer.

And why the toothpaste?

Didn't you go to school?

Sure.

A toothpaste fever

is your ticket to the sickbay.

Why are you so scared of him?

Yeah, f*ck Eismayer.

We'll see who's

laughing tomorrow.

You haven't heard the stories?

Once during a drill the dude

nuked a cow

with a f*cking bazooka.

He's a total psychopath.

He's a walking corpse.

He's had a thousand cancers.

Cancers? Moron.

He won't even die.

Once he even k*lled a recruit.

Made him do push-ups

in the shower.

Cold, warm, cold, warm,

cold, warm.

Guy d*ed of a heart att*ck.

Yeah, right.

He'll f*ck you for breakfast.

Uh huh.

Yeah.

What's going on here?

Why are the lights still on?

Line up in front of your bunks.

Let's go!

Get up.

Everyone in the room, line up, move it!

All men, on my command.

Attention!

Open lockers for inspection.

You heard him.

Inspection, open your lockers.

Move, hop to it!

Chopchop!

Not aligned.

This is all sloppy.

And your shirts,

mommy folds them at home, right?

Yes.

Shoeshine sh*t!

What was wrong with it?

Excuse me?

Is there a problem?

I was just asking what was wrong.

Why?

What was...

Don't you get when to shut up?

60 push-ups.

Today in class you learned

how to render courtesy.

Didn't you?

What did you do there?

Jerk each other off?

Are you funny?

Maybe he didn't get it

because he's a foreigner.

Get up.

I'm only at 24.

I said get up!

Are you a ret*rd,

Recruit Ali Baba?

Sergeant Major, sir,

Recruit Falak reports: my name is Falak.

He's a fast learner.

Eyes front.

Are you an intelligent Ali Baba?

Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.

Organize lockers.

Five minutes.

Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.

You heard him:

organize your lockers.

Five minutes.

Charlie.

Hey, you're still up?

I'm watching a movie.

What are you watching?

Jungle Camp.

Who's the champ at jungle camp?

You're watching that crap?

When are you coming?

Something came up,

I've gotta stay here.

Did something happen?

Nothing serious,

but I gotta stay, like it or not.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Kisses.

Bye.

Alright, gentlemen, the next six months

won't be fun.

They'll be tough.

But this is the cream of the crop.

The Fourth Guards Company

I don't give a sh*t if your daddy is a CEO

or a Yugo.

I care about performance.

The choice is yours.

You're a slacker?

I will destroy you.

I will crush you into tiny pieces.

Or

You perform.

Then I'll wipe your asses.

I'll f*cking wipe your asses

if you perform.

What's wrong Schober? Need a sh*t?

No, Staff Sergeant, I'm sick.

Staff Sergeant.

Recruit Buresch reports.

I got it from him.

Use a rubber when practicing

comradely intercourse.

Schober, breathe on me.

You call that

breathing on me, Schober, huh?

I need you to breathe on me

nice and hard.

Let's go, breathe on me.

Buresch,

you too,

breathe on me. Go on.

I'm only going to say this once.

If one of you assholes

eats toothpaste

or deliberately makes himself

unfit for service in any other way,

then, I swear,

I'm gonna go postal!

And now the good news.

In the Guards Battalion

nobody gets left behind.

We are the Fourth Guards Company!

We represent our army!

Heya-heya-heya-ho!

Put me down. I'll manage.

Dude!

You're such assholes.

Stop!

You're gonna pay for this, I swear.

Having a gout att*ck

or what's wrong?

Sergeant Major, sir,

I have a stabbing pain...

Dead.

On the ground, dead man!

On the ground, what's wrong?

Completely dead.

I said completely dead!

Honor Guard!

Order arms!

Honor Guard!

Right shoulder arms!

Come in.

Honor Guard. Order arms!

What is it?

Sergeant Major.

No. Come in.

Stand there.

And now report correctly.

Sir, Recruit Weber reports

you are to report to

Captain Karnaval immediately.

Boy, say "immediately"

to me again

and I'll whack you.

Yes sir, Sergeant Major!

Sergeant Major.

Captain.

Alright, let's cut to the chase.

Hard-asses like you are why

no one wants to join the army.

That's a problem.

All they have to do is follow the rules.

Your rules.

This isn't the 80s or the 90s,

and I won't tolerate it.

It's time you accept that.

Hey!

Dad!

Hey, big guy, what's up?

Look.

Wow.

What's that?

A family portrait.

No.

They're monsters.

Great.

Who's hungry for

Schinkenfleckerl?

Yay, Schinkenfleckerl!

Look at this funny bird on here.

Niki, go wash your hands please.

I already did.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

You didn't.

I did.

Wash your hands. Chopchop.

After dinner I'll show

you what I found, ok?

We need to book fast,

before the seats are gone.

Do you know when your vacation is?

Can we do it tomorrow?

I have to go back to the

barracks today.

What am I supposed to do?

Can you put some water on, please?

You promised.

We'll book tomorrow, okay?

Okay?

Does anyone know

where we're going?

We're going to w*r.

Moron.

Alright!

Fourth Guards Company, dismount!

Are you crazy? Who gave you

permission to drive up here?

Don't get worked up,

it's bad for your blood pressure.

Eismayer.

I need you like a hole in the head.

Marder, show them their quarters.

Alright, gentlemen. Get going!

Take your gear to

the quarters, over there.

What's with you, Dopey?

March.

Take cover!

Second element,

close ranks with the first!

Prepare to leap.

Leap! Charge!

Take cover!

Keep your heels glued to the ground.

A sn*per will blow them off

from 300 meters away.

Prepare to leap!

Leap! Charge!

Take cover!

I'm not tired.

Brush your teeth and then

you can watch one episode.

But only one. Okay?

Really?

Mom! Dad said I can

watch another episode.

Bye!

Byebye!

Bye-bye!

Byebye!

Hello.

Hi.

How's it going?

Fine. Same as always.

Hold on a sec.

Don't touch me, you f*gg*t.

Oooh.

Son of a bitch!

Call my mother a bitch again

and I'll k*ll you.

f*cking f*gg*t!

Falak, enough!

Marder, report.

Sergeant Major, sir,

I just told him not to use

all the warm water.

And then he tells...

What?!

To join him in the shower.

Is that true?

Yes, so what?

He even had a boner.

Outside in full combat gear

in five minutes.

You're running a lap of honor, Falak.

Yes, sir.

Lap of honor.

We are the Fourth Guards Company!

We represent our army!

I said full combat gear!

No matter how fast a t*nk runs,

it always gets hit by our a*tillery g*ns!

To your rooms! Dismantle

arms and clean them until taps.

If you freeze to death,

I'll k*ll you, Falak!

Fairies never freeze,

Sergeant Major, sir.

You pretentious assh*le!

Falak!

I'd never have guessed he was a f*gg*t.

Falak!

Hey, you jerk!

But now that I know...

The army's no place for fags.

It's like putting a pedophile

into a kindergarten.

Let's go!

Any of you sissys can't swim?

Very good.

Any chickenshits?

Anyone allergic to water?

What's wrong?

Good.

Put on your climbing harnesses.

You heard him, boys.

Backpacks off, harnesses on.

Let's go, move it!

And help each other.

What do you think,

how far down is it?

Come on Falak, your turn.

Come on, Mario!

Come on, Falak!

What's the problem?

Sir, I'm not going.

What do you mean?

Are you f*cking with me again?

You're crossing over now.

I can't do it.

How's it going on the other side?

f*ck off, Striegl!

Come on Falak,

don't sh*t your pants.

Falak, if you don't

cross over now,

you'll always be the chickenshit f*gg*t.

You realize that, right?

Falak, what's it gonna be?

You want that?

Come on, Falak, come!

You can do it.

Come on now. Falak.

Come on, Mario!

You can do it, Mario!

You're doing great.

Just don't look down, Falak.

Just step onto the rope.

Mario, do it! Come on!

Go on!

Falak!

f*ck this.

Are you crazy? Falak!

You're a hero now.

March!

Halt!

Come in.

Recruit Weber reports that

Captain Karnaval wants to

see you in his office.

Sergeant Major,

please, take a seat.

Hello Charles.

Hello Kurt.

Recuperated?

Thank you.

Very well.

We'll take the minutes

at this meeting.

This is about the incident

during field exercises

at the Seethal Alps training area.

Parties involved:

Sergeant Major Charles Eismayer

and Recruit Mario Falak.

Please tell us what happened

in your own words.

We followed our

route as scheduled,

but then...

No, I don't mean your stunt.

I'm talking about the incident

on December 17

at 9:30 pm.

Eyewitnesses say

you pushed Recruit Falak

brutally against the wall and then

sent him naked into open terrain.

Please describe

the incident

from your own perspective.

Corporal Mader and Recruit Falak

started to fight.

The situation escalated,

which is why I

briefly pinned Recruit Falak

against the wall.

And what happened then?

Nothing?

Then Recruit Falak

ran out naked.

But against my orders.

Sergeant Major, do you know

what led to the fight?

No.

You don't know.

Excuse me for being blunt,

but have you got something

against h*m*?

Excuse me for intervening.

Scratch that question

from the records.

With all due respect, Colonel, but

Recruit Falak outs himself and then

he is sent naked...

It was insubordination.

And later it's the same recruit whose

carabiner opens.

What do you want from me?

Gentlemen, let's all

calm down again.

After all, nothing happened,

well, nothing serious.

Everybody is fine.

Our instructors

are in the newspapers.

"Heroic Rescue"

And as far as I know, Falak did not

file a complaint, right?

No.

Well then,

it's all good.

Case closed,

let's have lunch.

Bon apptit.

You were brave, Charlie.

Captain.

Sergeant Major.

You're walking in a minefield.

One false step...

And boom.

Honor Guard, at my command!

Attention!

Shoulder one!

Two!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Stop!

Out of my way!

Listen up, you slackers.

The object of this exercise is

a simultaneous shouldering.

The unisono, hard thud

when positioning the r*fle.

This here sounds like whores

playing with their beef curtains.

I want to see one decent shouldering.

Then you'll be dismissed

for the weekend.

Perfect unity, just once.

Honor Guard, on my command!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Too sluggish!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Tempo three!

Arms!

Three!

Three!

Three!

Nagl, what's wrong?

Sir...

Are you in love with me?

You want my picture?

Eyes front!

So, Nagl, what's wrong?

I can't move my arm, sir.

It's always something.

This hurts, that's too tight.

I can't do this,

I don't like that.

I just want one f*cking

simultaneous shouldering.

Or is that asking too much?

One more mistake and your parents

get a letter saying:

"He d*ed for his fatherland."

Arms!

Tempo three!

What's wrong?

Where have you been?

At the barracks.

I called there.

They said you had already left.

Where were you?

Charlie?

I'm going to Maria's.

I want Daddy to come, too.

What's the score?

40 days more!

Cheers!

Dammit!

What's he doing here?

One of these days, I swear,

I want to see him really get b*rned.

You know what I heard?

That the guy is, sorry, a f*g.

Yeah sure.

Really? Yes.

The Eismayer?

There are some recruits

who he has literally f*cked.

If you do things properly,

he leaves you alone.

I think he's tough but fair.

A hundred euros

if you go give him a kiss.

I dare you.

You are so stupid.

If you do that...

If you give Eismayer a kiss,

f*ck it, I'll give you

my entire month's pay.

Now that's an offer...

Yeah, alright, me too!

What about you, stingy?

Oh man. Alright, I'm in, let's go.

Is he crazy?

Falak, don't be stupid.

What is it, Falak?

Recruit Falak reports

he wants to give you a kiss.

I beg your pardon?

It's a bet.

If I give you a kiss,

I'll get five month's pay.

We can split fifty-fifty.

Whose terrific idea was this?

Yeah,

that's what I thought.

Well, then I'm getting a kiss

from each of you.

Except you, Falak,

I'm afraid you'll have to watch.

Yes, sir.

Right here.

Ew!

That guy's a psychopath, right?

I hate to say it

but that was pretty gay.

Easy for you to say.

Come in.

Sergeant Major, sir, Recruit

Falak reports as ordered.

You want to enlist?

Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

I assume you know

why you want to join the army.

Why do you ask...

Rest! Or I k*ll you.

Eyes front.

Do you ask because I'm a Yugo

or because I'm gay?

Different matter:

I hear you're good with

electronic stuff.

Is that right?

Yes, sir.

I need someone to hook up my TV.

My address. Tonight,

when you get off duty.

That's all. Bye.

Sargent Major, sir,

Recruit Falak signs off.

Yes?

Sergeant Major, sir.

Second floor, the door's open.

Shoes off, I just mopped the floor.

Don't.

Sit.

You hungry?

I made dinner.

Meat loaf.

I have beer, too, if you want.

What about the TV?

Eat first, work later.

I'm actually not really hungry.

Of course you're hungry.

Beer?

Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.

Charles.

In here you'll call me Charles.

Charles?

Dude, you want your ears boxed?

Cheers.

Cheers.

You won't make it to the

barracks tonight, you'll stay here.

I'll write you a permit

and deal with the duty officer.

Okay?

Good night.

Night.

Towel's in the bathroom.

Where's my spring?

Who the f*ck has my spring?

Falak, is there a problem?

Someone stole my spring.

Has anyone seen Mr. Falak's spring?

No.

Suck my d*ck!

Falak, halt!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

The guys just

teased him a little bit.

Then he flipped out

because this time

he wasn't the fastest.

It's probably his time

of the month.

You have nothing under control!

So, have you calmed down?

Why do they give me a hard time?

You give them a hard time.

You're currently at the top

of the assh*le list.

Mario, you can only be effective

if you're in control of yourself.

To be in control you need order

in your locker, head and body.

You understand?

But I'm faster.

Mario!

I know I can be faster.

Stop talking.

Just do it!

Mom, stop, stop, stop!

There's the swing.

Yes.

Come.

Come, let's go.

Come!

Are you coming?

You go on ahead,

we'll be right behind you.

I bat for the other team.

What?

I'm gay.

Always have been.

You know what my mom said back then?

Just don't talk about it.

It will pass.

Father never looked me

in the eye again.

'Til the day he d*ed.

They sent me to the m*llitary.

To Hierzberger.

"To make a man out of you,

Charlie."

When my brother set us up...

I was so fascinated by you.

That you took an interest in me.

I really thought I was healed.

Daddy, come on already!

Come on!

Guys.

Guys!

Since it's your last day,

when you get off duty,

you'll strip the beds

and clear the lockers.

Turn your w*apon

and your other gear in to the sarge.

Your piss-soaked sheets,

I'm not gonna name names, Polat,

you take to the laundry.

At 5 this afternoon down

at the field

we'll have a barbecue.

Here's Colonel Hierzberger

to tell you more.

All rise!

Attention!

Thank you!

No report necessary.

Sit down, gentlemen.

Sergeant Major Eismayer

sends his apologies.

He has cancer.

But he wrote this letter,

which I will read to you now.

"To conscription squad 12:

Don't think you

were the last squad

to survive Eismayer.

I'll be back.

Furthermore, let it be known

that all in all

you were pretty decent.

Some of you even

have promising futures.

Having said that,

have a helluva party!"

Gentlemen,

gentlemen,

I wish you all the best!

Hello!

Hello.

Hi.

Wow, you look horrible.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like?

How are you?

I feel like sh*t.

I signed the enlistment documents.

It's official,

I'll be a career soldier.

Sergeant Berger said,

if a Yugo like me enlists,

he wants to get discharged.

Uh oh, you're puking again?

I have all the documents

for the entrance exam, too.

But I'm totally clueless.

You think you can help me?

Yes.

Get lost.

I'll throw this out.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

You've got a handsome boy.

What's important now

is that you work out.

The better your circulation,

the tougher it is for the cancer cells.

Follow me.

You'll work out every day.

For at least an hour.

Record your reps here.

And no nagging, or no shagging.

Hey.

No elevator. Take the stairs.

Mario, please. Give me a break.

Come on, Charles, let's go.

Chop-chop.

I hate you.

I just got the

delivery confirmation.

The bed is coming tomorrow.

You'll be home in the morning, right?

You okay?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Are you giving up?

assh*le.

Charles.

Quitting is for losers.

Carry on!

Yes, sir, keeping it up.

6 months later

Honor Guard, forward

- march!

- Step

two.

Left step!

Left!

Left.

Two.

Listen to her purr!

Flawless!

Engine stop!

Well, what do you say,

Sergeant Major?

They're being decommissioned,

so I reserved five.

It's amazing, you can

take them apart with a single wrench.

If necessary, of course.

You're back already?

Shouldn't you be in rehab?

I got released early

for good conduct.

I see.

I read your medical certificate.

It says

I am no longer allowed to employ

you as an instructor.

So here's the plan:

Our current sarge is retiring.

I think this position is

right up your alley.

And your physical impairment

will not interfere.

Captain, sir, that's not possible.

It is possible.

Believe it or not,

the world keeps turning

even without Eismayer.

Dismissed.

Mario?

Hajde, hajde, Sergeant Major, sir.

Do come in.

Nutcase.

What is it?

I got in.

I'm going to be an officer!

I'm going to the m*llitary academy!

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

The m*llitary academy!

Congratulations.

I got in.

The m*llitary academy!

Based on the applicant's achievement

he is hereby accepted to the academy.

Charles Eismayer and Falak.

We rule the army.

He passed the exam

and is going to the m*llitary academy.

Dude.

Mario.

Yes.

What?

Don't sh*t your pants.

What, "Don't sh*t my pants"?

I'm gonna be an officer.

Eismayer and Falak.

The two faggots in the army.

- TODAY 8 PM FERRIS WHEEL!

- WEAR SOMETHING NICE!

f*ck...

The Ferris Wheel? Seriously?

Yes, seriously.

You look good.

Thanks.

On the mark please.

Come here.

Smile.

I'll send the photo via e-mail.

Yes.

If she puts that online,

I k*ll her.

Yes, relax.

You know I

don't drink sparkling wine.

Grin and bear it.

To us.

No.

To you!

Again, congratulations!

Remember when you came to

our room that first night?

I thought to myself: What a

f*cking dictator.

You gonna push me

out of the cable car now?

They're cut from a 20 mm

anti-aircraft cartridge.

Try it on.

Sometimes I really think

you're Ret*rded.

How do you think this will play out?

You become an officer,

and we get married at the barracks?

I apply for leave with Karnaval,

and we spend our honeymoon in Dubai,

stoning included?

Mario.

The world doesn't work

the way your gay brain imagines it.

I see.

Do you refuse to understand

or are you just too stupid?

You know what I understand?

That you're the chickenshit f*gg*t,

not me.

Fourth Company, on my command.

Attention!

Right face!

Double time to board, march!

Presenting arms works mighty fine!

It gives us drive and a heart.

Which company?

Fourth Company!

Call the guard,

don't let the convoy leave the barracks.

Hey dipstick,

are you sneaking off

without saying goodbye?

No, I didn't know...

Just joking.

Are they psyched?

Totally. Raring to go.

It's a great bunch.

Great.

Is Falak with them?

Yes, second truck, why?

Give me a minute.

A minute.

Corporal Falak.

Here!

Come here.

Sergeant Major, sir,

Corporal Falak reports as ordered.

Good luck!

Drive!

Hello.

Hello.

Your son wants to see you.

How's school?

You like it?

Yes.

And the teacher, is she nice?

Yes.

Great.

Why don't you like Mom anymore?

What? Who said that?

Of course I like Mom.

Mom says, you like

men more than women.

She says, you probably already have

a boyfriend.

I like boys more than girls, too.

The girls in my class

are kind of stupid.

My friends are

Emir, Arthur, and Denial.

But my very best

friend is Louis,

he's really cool.

And what's your friend's name?

Are the keys inside?

Yes.

And after some back and forth,

everyone chipped in,

and for 350 schillings

she gave us all blow jobs

at the same time.

I hope your guys' dicks

didn't touch, huh?

If I were you, Falak,

I'd shut the f*ck up.

First Platoon, Fourth Company...

It's alright. Sit down.

Sit down.

Mario, it's just wonderful with you.

And I'm not just talking

about the sex.

Everything.

Mario, I want you.

In my life. Everywhere.

What's that supposed to mean?

You wanna marry me?

And we'll spend our honeymoon in Dubai?

Stoning included.

20 mm anti-aircraft cartridge.

Carry on.

On January 31, 2014, Charles Eismayer

and Mario Falak officially entered

a civil union

at the Maria Theresien Barracks.

Both were still

in active duty at the time of filming.