01x14 - Old Yeller

[bunniefuu]

Isthatyou, Emilio?

Yes, my sweet.

It is I, Emilio.

Well, I don't have much time.

My husband will be home any minute.

- Never fear, my sweet flower.

- [ Squeals ]

- A minute is all I will need.

- Wait.

Then you are a big disappointment, Emilio.

- I'll be right back.

- Where areyou going?

I'm gonna go to Chinatown and get some of those big, black, squiggly mushrooms.

- Can I useyour car?

- Honey, I told you, it's our car.

You don't have to ask every timeyou want to use it.

- Mmm, great.

- Oh, uh,just one thing.

Last timeyou used the car, you, uh, reset the trip odometer.

Yeah.

Did you know that "The Long and Winding Road" is 6.

7 miles long?

- No.

- And the "Highway to Hell" is exactly a half a mile shorter?

- Isn't that weird?

- It's just that I was using the trip odometer to calculate gas mileage.

- Cool.

- And rememberto set the parking brake.

- The transmission's not a kickstand.

- No, it's not.

Areyou going to get any ofthose spicy little Chinese crackers?

- You want some?

- No, it's just last time, you opened them in the car and the crumbs worked theirway into the seat crevice.

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

It's okay.

Ifyou need it, there's a little DustBuster in the trunk.

It plugs right into the cigarette lighter.



- Check.



- Oh, and when you're done just put it back in the trunk organizer between the flares and the spare washer fluid.



- Honey?



- Mm

-hmm?

I loveyou, but bite me.

Hey, look at this one.

Duel air bags, antilock brakes, good mileage.



- It's got everything.



- Cool.

Let's get it.

Slow down, slow down.

Doyou like the color?

It doesn't matter.

I'm gonna cover it with glitter anyway.

So, you lookin' to buy a car today?

Maybe.

What's the price?



- Honey, the price is right here.



- Dharma

- Dha

- Let me do this.

Here's what I'm willing to pay for the car.

[ Laughs ]

Boy, oh, boy.

I can't even show this to my manager.

Well, that's all we can afford.



- Geez, Greg, you make it sound like we're poor.



- Dharma

- All right.

Sinceyourwife is such a lovely lady

- [ Clicks Tongue ]

Iet me see what I can do.

[ Mutters ]

Okay, right now, he's pretending to talk to his manager.

When he comes back out, he'll pretend to be upset and give us a lower price.

We say, "No, thanks," and we pretend to leave.

He stops us, offers us an even better price, but, of course, we won't take it.

I'm confused.

Are we still buying a car?

All right.

I talked with my manager.

He's not happy about this, but I thinkyou will be.

Folks, we are not making a penny on this car.

[ Chuckles ]



- No deal.



- Hey, Dharma, that's pretty good.

No, I can't letyou do a deal whereyou don't make any money.

No, that just wouldn't

- No, that wouldn't be right.

Look

- Look, you know, I

-I am making some money on it.

Yeah.

So when you said you weren't making any money, you were lying?

It's okay, because we knew he was lying.

You knew he was lying, and you didn't do anything about it?



- Well, no.



- You think that helps him?



- Listen, folks, I

-

- No, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to pry but wereyou raised with any particular religious tradition?

Presbyterian.

Okay.

Well, I don't know all the details about that but, I mean, there's rules there about lying, right?



- Yeah.



- And how does that makeyou feel?

I'm sorry.

I

-I don't want to lie.

I

- I wanna be an honest person, but, ma'am, I've got kids to feed.



- Doyou really?



- No.

I just can't stop lying.

[ Muttering ]

It'll be okay.

It'll be okay.

Abby, I can't believe you're making meat.

I know.

Well, your in

-laws are coming to dinner for the first time and I want it to be special.

I'm sorry, sister cow.

[ Disgusted Groan ]

Hey, Greg, your old man still got that bad back?



- Yeah, why?



- I found my ergonomic chair.

Thankyou, Larry.

There's nothin' my dad loves more than experimental furniture.

Oh, man! What is that smell?



- Standing rib roast.



- Of meat?



- Yes, meat.



- We're gonna have meat?

No, the Montgomerys are gonna have meat.

We're gonna have squash and walnut loaf.

Your favorite.

My favorite.

Sit next to me.

I'll hookyou up.

Blessed Mother Earth, from whom this bounty comes, we thankyou.



- [ Greg, Kitty, Edward ]

Amen.



- We dedicate this evening's meal to the freedom

-loving people of Burma suffocating under the illegitimate choke hold of oppression.



- [ Greg, Kitty, Edward ]

Amen.



- And to our bovine friend whose noble sacrifice nourishes our guests we askyour forgiveness.

Oh, dear God.

We askyour strength to sustain us in these interesting times.



- Amen!

- [ All ]

Amen.



- Abby?



- Yes?

This rib roast is just the way I like it

- rare enough to hear it moo.

Thankyou.

Thankyou.

Mmm! Moo! So, uh, did, uh, Dharma tell you we went car shopping today?



- Why doyou need a second car?



- Well, we don't, really.

I keep telling her she can always use my car

- our car.

Hey, Larry, what's the name ofyour friend who's a dealer?

He's in jail.



- The car dealer.



- Same guy.

Abby, what is this unusual condiment?



- Oh, it's chutney.



- Mmm!

- She pickles her own.



- Mmm.

How delightful.

Yeah.

Uh, we have a canning circle this Friday and you're welcome to come ifyou like.



- I could showyou how to makeyour own.



- I'll driveyou.

Edward, dear, surelyyou recall that we're busy on Friday night.

My art foundation is hosting the opening ofthe Salazar installation.



- Salazar?



- Mm

-hmm.



- Abby?



- Yeah?

Didn'tyou used to date that guy?

Oh, I'm sure this is a different person.



- This is Salazar, the artist.



- No, the same guy.

We have one ofhis sculptures out in the backyard.



- You have a Salazar in the backyard?



- [Abby]

Mm

-hmm.



- Mmm.

Did you wanna see it?



- I

-

- Yeah, sure.



- [ Stammering ]

That would be fascinating.

Sureyou do.

Come on.

Come out and see it, Kitty.

Just watch whereyou step.

The goat hasn't been feeling well.

So, Finkelstein she keeps a souvenir ofthe old boyfriend, huh?

Dad, haveyou tried the cabbage chips?

I'm talking to your father

-in

-law, Son.



- I know, and I wish you wouldn't.



- It's okay.

I'm cool that Abby's been with other men.

It's not like I didn't have mywild days too.

Yeah.

You dated Mama Cass, right?

Sort of.

I drove her home from the Fillmore one night when she passed out.

Finkelstein, ifiyou're so all

-fiired cool about this Salazar guy why don't you come on down to the opening?



- Sure.

Fine.

I will.



- It's a charity event.

You'll have to pay a hundred dollars a person.

No problem.

I'll just have to dip into my cash stash.

If everyone would turn around, please.



- Oh, man! Where did I

-

- The peanut butterjar.

Right.

Excuse me.

Ohh! The empty one.

[ Laughing ]



- Oh!

- Oh!

- Hey.



- Hey! Greg, come here.

Check out my new ride.



- What doyou mean, your new ride?



- Me and Larry and Jane went to the city auction, and we made a k*ller deal.



- Which one is it?



- The one right in front ofthe building.



- Behind the big, yellow school bus?



- Nuh

-uh.



- In front ofthe big, yellow school bus?



- Nope.

Please tell meyour car is under the big, yellow school bus.

[Dharma ]

The 1968 Blue Bird.

Powered by a nine

-liter engine, fully a*t*matic, four

-wheel drive.

Comfortably seats 24 adults or 38 sixth

-graders.

This was your father's idea, wasn't it?

No, actually, he thought it was a little impractical.

Dharma, Larry thought it was impractical.



- Doesn't that tell you something?



- Uh

-huh.

He's jealous.



- Hey, come on.

Let's go for a ride.



- All right!

- Whoo

-hoo!

- You bought a school bus.



- Get over it!

- All right.

You ready,Jane?



- We gotta back this thing up.



- I'm on it.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep! [ Swooshing ]



- Where does this bus go?



- Where do you want it to go?



- 1 1 th and J udah.



- Then that's where it's going.



- How much?



- It's free.



- I'm a senior.



- Fifty cents.



- That's better.



- [ Swooshing ]

[Man Singing]



- [ Continues ]



- [ Bell Dinging ]

[ Dharma ]

Come on, darlin'! You can do it! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! [ Cheering ]

[ Continues ]

[ Swooshing ]



- Our bus broke down.



- Oh, well, hop in.



- [ Boys Cheering ]



- All right.

Move it, move it, move it! We're not insured to drive these kids around.



- Hey, kids, you gonna sue us?



- [ Boys ]

Yeah! They don't mean it.

[ Continues ]



- Uh, Dharma.



- Oh.

Airport.

[ Swooshing ]

Dharma, do you think we should call it a day?

Oh, yeah, maybe we should.



- Unless you wanna drive.



- Really?

I've never driven a school bus.

It's fun.

It's like driving an ice

-cream truck except we don't sell dr*gs.

[Ends ]

Hey, this guy's tailgatin' me.

[ Horn Honking ]

Okay, watch this.

Stop the bus.

We could keep him here for days.



- Wow!

- "Wow," good or "wow" I have something hanging out of my nose?



- "Wow," good.



- Thankyou.

Okay, let's go.

We gotta gas up the bus.

Dharma, we can't take the bus to an art opening.

Oh, come on, Greg.

Picture the look on your mother's face when we come rolling up in Old Yeller.

[Horn Honking]

Oh, dear God! See?

There's the face.



- That's a great face.



- It's not the "Hey, Mom I married Dharma" face, but it's right up there.

[ Swooshing ]



- Would you like me to park this foryou, ma'am?



- Uh, that depends.

Doyou know how to find reverse in a '68 Blue Bird?



- Probably.



- "Probably" doesn't park the bus, son.

[ Swooshing ]

Salazar, I'm such an admirer ofyours.

You know, we bid on Inverted Cone No.

3 at the Christie's auction.



- We didn't get it, but

-

- No, wait.

Excuse me.



- Abigail?



- Yes!

- Abigail O'Neil?



- Yeah.



- Oh, Sali!

- Come here, Abby.



- Abby, Abby!

- Oh, hi!

- God, look atyou!

- Hey! You're just as beautiful as ever.

Oh, come on.

Oh, look atyou, Mr.

Big World

-Famous Artist.



- I know.



- We rememberyou when you were nothing.



- Who areyou?



- You remember Larry.



- Larry.



- Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah.



- Yeah.



- Yeah, the tr*nsv*stite.



- That was just for the draft board.



- Uh

-huh.

Salazar, darling, I seeyou have met my family.



- Y

-Your family?



- Yes, silly.

[ Laughing ]

Our children are married.

In fact, we had dinner at their home the other evening and they showed me this exquisite piece ofyours.

Yeah, a Bright Cone No.

2.



- Remember?



- I use it as a hose caddie.

Yes.

I, uh

- I gave it to Abby for our, uh

- our engagement present.



- I know.



- Hello?

You were engaged?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we were veryyoung.

We didn't know what it meant.

I knew what it meant.

Anyway, you are a very lucky man to be married to Abby.



- Oh, they're not married.



- As good as married.

Well, then, I mean, there is still hope, right?

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Abby, I want to showyou the new piece.

Come on.

This is a really big cone.

Walk this way.

Oh, Lord, how could she have let a man like that get away?

Oh, well, oops.

Ta! You gotta admit you can't do that in a Saab.

You also, uh, can't do it in North Carolina.



- Soyou happy I bought it now?



- Come on, Dharma.

I admit it's been a lot offun, but it's not really a practical second car.

Practical?

Honey, did you forget whoyou married?

How about this?

How about we get a sport utilityvehicle or a small R.

V.

in a reallyweird color?



- Anything but a bus.



- You don't understand.

Okay, listen.

When I was growing up, I was homeschooled.

And every day, that bus drove, by filled with kids Iaughing and screaming, and I never got to go on the bus.

Dharma, by that logic, we should live in a schoolhouse.

That's a great idea.

No! 'Cause then we could have assemblies and school plays! I'd like a brandy Alexander.

What kind ofa girlie drink is that?

You're right.

Make it a sloe gin fizz.

So, you still cool about the ex

-boyfriend, Finkelstein?

No, I'm not.

You happy?

I'm actuallyvery upset about it.

Oh, well, uh, buck up, soldier.



- "Buck up, soldier"?



- Buck up, conscientious objector?

I mean, how can I compete against a guy like Salazar?



- He's a genius.



- Genius?

The guy's a big phony.

And you, you have a lot to offer a woman.



- Like what?



- Well, you've got

-

- You own that house, right?



- It's in Abby's name.

Oh.

Another candy

-ass drink for my friend.



- [Thunderclap ]



- Um, excuse me.

Attention, please.

Could I have your attention, please?

Um

- [ Chuckles ]

I wanted to alert you all to a

- to a small problem.

As you

- As you do know, it is raining.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, anditseems that the rain is gathering inside Inverted Cone No.

8 um, which is acting effectively as a funnel um, causing a minor flooding condition

- in

- in the parking area.



- [ Patrons Groaning ]

What areyou saying, that our cars are underwater?

Actually, I'm trying very hard not to say that.

[ Chuckles ]



- Oh, my God.



- Um, no, no, no.

Calm down.

Please calm down.

There is no need to be concerned.

Although it has been suggested that we evacuate the building as it is about to be swept out to sea.



- So

-

- It's miles to the main road.



- How are we supposed to get out ofhere?



- Greg, the bus.

Come on, everybody! Old Yellerwill save us! Come on!

- Abby?

Abby?



- Right here.

Where wereyou?

I was looking everywhere.

Oh, I was trying to convince Salazar to get on the bus but he wants to go down with his cone.

Genius.

All right.

Is everybody in the bus?



- Yes, everyone's on.



- Does everybody have their buddy?

Excuse me.

Do the words "wall ofwater" mean anything to you?

All right, everybody.

Here we go.

Hang on.

[Engine Grinding]

We're not gonna make it! Hey, Mr.

Negative, wouldyou pipe down?

All right, everybody.

If Old Yeller's going to get out of the mud, he's going to need your help.

So I need you to focus all ofyour positive energy and sing.

[ Singing ]



- I can't hearyou.



- [ All Joining In ]

Oh, for God sakes, people, sing! [Engine Starts ]

It's working! "The people on the bus go up and down.

" [ Singing Continues ]

[ Singing Stops ]

All right, kids.

This is your stop.

Single fiile.

[Swooshing]



- Good night, honey.



- Goodnight.

Bye.



- Good night.



- Good night.



- Bye, sweetheart.



- Bye.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, no! Old Yeller! Why can't we fix him?

Pumpkin, the engine block is cracked.

There's nothing we can do.

There's gotta be, Greg.

There's gotta be something.

He saved us.

Old Yeller saved us all! I know.

I know.

And right now, the kindest thing we can do for him is to let him go.



- Honey?



- What?



- Doyou wanna get a new bus?



- Oh, Greg! You can't just replace Old Yeller.

I know.

You're right.

And let's always remember that.

- Hey.

- Hey!

- What's goin'on?

- You're here!

- Jane and I went back to the auction.

- Oh, no.

Check it out.

I see a fire truck an ambulance, a street sweeper and a cherry picker.

You gotta guess.

It's 4 to 6 Foot!