[OPENING THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
♪ Ace Ventura
♪Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪Pet Detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Yummy, yummy!
Ace, get down from there, that building is condemned.
You're in a demolition zone.
Yeah, Ventura, you're gonna get yourself k*lled!
[ACE CLUCKING]
I'm sorry, was I not listening?
Oh, well! [SNAPS FINGERS]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[HUMMING]
Hey, Aguado!
Get your guy a pair of glasses, he missed!
Wait till this sh*t, Ventura.
He couldn't hit the broad side of your backside,
which sure is on the wide side.
[EVERYBODY LAUGHING]
I'll handle this myself!
Still hungry, little fellas?
We'll stop for crackers on the way down!
Loser!
[AGUADO GROANING]
I need a vacation.
Ah! The great outdoors, all alone in the wilds.
Just me, eight pounds of pork rinds,
two dozen sodas, and channels.
Hey, I'm out of dip!
Now this is roughing it.
Boy!
-[BEAR ROARS] -[GASPS]
[AGUADO SCREAMING]
Help, Ranger! Bear!
Look, we've had lots of bear att*cks today,
you'll have to go to the back of the line
and wait like everyone else.
Yeah?
Well, this badge says
that I cut to the front of the line.
Just relax, bub, we've called in an expert,
a pet detective.
-[LAUGHING] A pet detective! -[CAR APPROACHING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Here, I keep laughing.
Gee, I've been in my line of work a long time,
Mr. Park Ranger sir,
and I've gotta say,
I've never met an uglier, hairier...
[SNIFFS]
...stinkier bear.
Hit the road, Ventura! I'm in charge here.
Let a real detective do his job.
All righty, then, Mr. Real Detective!
[MAN SCREAMING]
Why have normally peaceful,
never-bother-anybody teddy bears
suddenly become ferocious monsters,
attacking innocent fishermen with no apparent motive?
-Uh... -Waiting, waiting!
Sorry contestant, time's up, but I'll give you a hint.
How many salmon you caught so far, Fisher King?
-I lost count. -[SPIKE CHITTERS]
Hmm. Must be that new math.
By old math, I count zero.
Surely, even the most unseasoned fisherman
can catch just one, unless...
As I suspected, no salmon!
This waterway's cleaner than a bowl of pork rinds
after an Aguado-feeding frenzy.
No fish means no bear food,
which makes for very hungry bears,
and I'm gonna find out why, before they get any hungrier.
Mr. Park Ranger sir, if I'm not back in an hour,
just toss the bears a little beef jerky.
Ooh, I'm scared!
The big bad bear's gonna eat me!
The big bad bear's gonna eat me!
-[ROARING] -[SCREAMS]
The big bad bear's gonna eat me! Ah!
I'm going with you, Ventura.
Gee, I feel better already.
Now I've got two simian sidekicks.
So, Mr. Real Detective, what are you gonna do?
Dust the riverbed for fin prints?
Interrogate a trout?
Hey, maybe something's double parked
and blocking the salmon's migration to the river,
like say, a really big sandbar.
Don't be ridiculous!
Tricked you, Tubs!
Presto!
One really big sandbar.
Check it out, my highly intelligent simian sidekick.
I ain't leaving the boat.
I said my highly intelligent simian sidekick.
Ready to dive, Clyde?
He's getting into position,
picking up speed as he approaches up.
And he clears the sandbar for a perfect ten.
Good form, jungle gymnast.
But if you can clear the sandbar,
then so can the salmon.
So what is keeping the salmon from migrating upstream?
[TEETH CHATTERING]
Interesting theory, Aguado.
Too bad I don't understand Morse code.
Great! This is my only clean shirt.
Well, doggie!
Black gold, Texas tea!
Oil?
That's right, oil, slick,
Mother Nature's nemesis and our first bona fide clue.
Pop quiz, how fast does salmon swim upstream?
-Uh... -Eh, duh, is incorrect.
The right answer is four miles a day.
And how fast do they swim when every scale on their body
is clogged with black murky oil?
A whole lot slower!
Are you with me, contestant number one?
-What are you talking about? -High school aquamatics.
Oops, I forgot you didn't take high school.
Lesson one, multiply the longitude of a fish egg
by the latitude of a fin stroke,
add a teaspoon of sea water,
and bingo!
The source of the oil is over there.
[BIRDS TWEETING]
All righty, then,
make it a tablespoon of sea water,
and stop the presses,
because the oil is coming from there!
How about a bucketful and call your mother, because it's...
[SPIKE CHITTERING]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Yes, yes. As expected!
Dinghy meister, let's jet!
Hey! [SCREAMS]
Ventura!
Ace Ventura, pet detective!
How are you gentlemen today? You fellas seem to be leaking.
-Oil, that is. -I don't see no leak.
Hey!
Go on, pass it around. There's plenty for everyone.
That's right, oil!
Great at salad dressing,
but in the water, it upsets nature's delicate balance,
endangers sea life,
clogs up every pore in a poor fish's body...
[COUGHS]
Brings back painful teenage memories, doesn't it?
Yummy!
Actually, not bad! Dry, yet full-bodied.
[GARGLES]
Lovely bouquet, not oily, more inky.
Squiding!
A big fat squid, about feet long,
with a great pointy head and beady little eyes,
and slimy tentacles that can squeeze you so tight,
you burst like a...
[ACE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Boys, you've been a great help.
Just one question before I leave you,
squids only squirt ink in self-defense.
Anybody scare a squid lately?
Well, look at the time, will you?
Where does it go!
I hate to run, but I've got a lunch with a squid.
In fact, there goes my ride.
Spike, you traitorous coward!
[MEN GRUMBLING]
ACE: Could someone call me a cab?
Ha! Water cannot harm me, I swim like the fish.
I scare like the chicken, and I smell like the dinner!
Shark!
[SCREAMING] Shark!
Spike!
Spike!
Spike!
Eat my backwash!
Wow.
There she blows, a whale!
-Very funny, Ventura! -My mistake!
I see blubber in a blowhole and I get excited.
So what did we learn?
Not where the salmon are,
but we do know there's a squid
leaking enough ink to supply a pen factory.
They've gotta be connected!
Spike, we're going down,
and I mean that in a positive way.
I need diving equipment,
something airtight with unlimited mileage,
decent wipers, and hold the moonroof.
Looks like this baby's duper, it's , league tuna.
Ventura, I'm coming with you. I'm in charge of this case.
Sorry, there's no room for a tub in the sub, bub!
[SCREAMING]
Hey, I'm stuck!
Hey, get me out of here!
I thought you wanted to be on this case.
Make up your mind!
Huh?
ACE: Message for Aguado from the Rear Admiral.
Bon voyage!
Ventura!
-[GRUNTS] -[BELL RINGING]
ACE: I'm not sure she can stand it.
It's the pressure,
we just can't take the pressure, captain!
-How are we doing, Spike? -[CHITTERS]
When you run out of lumber, try the duct tape,
and as a last resort, use my hair gel,
it's good to feet.
And now the weather,
partly murky throughout the weekend,
we have an ink front moving in,
which combined with prevailing ocean currents,
will bring us a percent chance of...
Salmon showers!
Looks like spring break in Salmon-U!
And all the way down to the ocean floor.
Fathom that!
It's the Molly Brown,
the world's first unsinkable ship.
Boy, did they get that wrong!
The largest luxury liner of the s
disappeared on its maiden voyage
with trunks full of gold and jewelry.
Legend says the sunken ship is guarded by a giant squid!
How do I know all this?
I subscribe toMollusk Monthly.
Spike, this is beginning to make an inkling of sense.
Now the question is where is El Squidow.
Suit up, sea monkey, we're going in!
The grand ballroom,
once a lavish playground for the rich and famous,
now the world's most expensive aquarium.
[SPIKE CHITTERING]
[ACE CHUCKLES]
Talk about your sunken treasure!
Mirror, mirror on the ship,
who looks the best during this dip?
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Either you're a vampire monkey or we're not alone.
Pardonne-moi!
But it's o'clock, do you know where your monkey is?
Yes, yes, yes, siree!
What we got is a new monkey.
Watch the oceanographer tell you what he's down here for.
But of course, you'd be here, Dumark!
What self-respecting plunderer wouldn't be attracted
by a sunken treasure of gold, jewels, and fine art?
Though the art's seen better days.
How's my air?
[HISSING]
The Molly Brown was so chock-full of jewels, coins,
and fat European businessmen,
it's no wonder she sank like a dead weight.
But why hasn't this treasure been plundered sooner?
Because of a little thing we call a giant squid.
Most thieves would back off
at the sight of a -foot cephalopod, but not Jack DuMonk.
Because being an ex-oceanographer,
he knows that the squid's natural enemy is salmon.
Excuse me, this is my moment!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
As I was saying,
salmon like nothing better than fresh calamari.
Problem is how do you find one salmon
hungry enough to eat a jumbo squid?
Answer, you'd call Sockeye High,
and invite the whole school!
Just one thing I haven't figured out,
how did you divert gazillions of migrating salmon
to the ocean floor?
I divert the fish with this, the Finder Blaster.
A soundbox which mimics the salmon's mating call,
which I used to lure them here and scare the squid away.
See, it is an incredible simulation.
I don't hear anything!
It is a sound only salmon can hear.
But what is the sound?
Up one-hand snatch! Dang, can't help. Bonjour now!
Stop, thief!
Flee, my Norwegian friends, flee!
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Keep it moving! Let's go! Straight ahead!
Hey, hey, hey!
No turn, this is a one-way street here.
Mr. Ventura, you fool!
Don't you know what you have unleashed?
Without the salmon, we face the return of the squid!
The squid? The squid!
You're trying to scare me into dropping this box,
-because of the squid? -[SCREAMS]
You big chicken in the sea.
A squid, ha!
[SCREAMING]
The squid! The squid!
[GRUNTING]
Help! The squid!
The squid!
Hey, monkey on board!
Bye!
Spike, four hands are better than two!
They may not be better than eight,
but they give us a fighting chance!
Plunge me, baby!
Now that's a hickey!
DuMonk, you're going down or up,
where jail is, that is.
Anybody for DuMonkey In The Middle?
[ALL YELLING]
[WHIMPERING]
Now please, upstream, when you're ready!
My Finder Blaster!
No, my Finder Blaster!
-Mine! -Mine!
-Mine! -Mine!
-Mine! -Mine!
My Finder Blaster!
-Is this on? -Yeah!
Wrong answer, Frenchy!
But just for playing,
you won my salmon mating call home game.
The game that leads salmon upstream
to the spawning super highway,
leaving our big squid to roost peacefully
on his treasure ship happily ever after.
Observe!
I hear nothing! It's the trick!
Or perhaps, you're just a loser!
A little victory at sea dance!
We're jamming with the salmon!
What the...
[SIRENS BLARING]
Battle stations!
[SPIKE SCREECHING]
What do you mean this model doesn't come equipped
with battle stations?
Then call the body shop. We've got a claim.
You have foiled my plans for the last time, Mr. Ventura.
Now I exact my, how you say, revenge!
Oh, man, I never wanna see water again.
[LAUGHING] It's raining salmon.
What the... [SCREAMING]
Oh, no!
I need a vacation.
Huh?
[GRUNTS]
[ROARING]
And to think we pinned all our hopes on that pet detective...
Hey, look!
What'd I tell you, Spike?
If you stalk it, they will come.
Uh-oh!
[CHUCKLING]
You are cornered, Mr. Ventura!
Salmon can swim up the fall, but you cannot!
ACE: We're caught between a rock and a hard place!
Full speed ahead, monkey-man!
Rise now!
[ALL CHEERING]
Vive la France! Vive la difference!
Viva Las Vegas, baby!
No!
-[GASPING] -[LOUD CRASH]
Sacre bleu.
Hurry, Spike, get a sh*t of me with the catch of the day.
Cheese! Oh, sorry!
Fromage!
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
And so it goes,
nature's delicate balance has been restored.
Every species in its place.
The fish in the stream, the bears in the woods.
Why, you!
[GULPING]
[BURPS]
[SCREAMING]
And who could forget nature's own clowns, the monkeys.
Aren't they funny?
And somewhere out at sea,
a giant squid rests happily on its sunken ship.
[GROANING]
Or maybe not. [LAUGHING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]